...her own world...

One Night Only

2011-12-25T03:53:00.000-06:00

I met this guy,
He was cute, different, funny and not my type.
He loved another and thought I did too.
Which was fine cus I found it funny.
We laughed, we played, we hugged he kissed,
And with the morning light, he was gone again.

We both said it won't work out.
We both said in a different life it might have been fun.
We both said we were both perfect.
We both knew not for each other.
We both agreed to go our separate ways.

But I did laugh while I was with him.
But I did say my mind with him.
But I did feel like we were on the same plane.
But I did help him with his problems as well.
But it was one night only.

1012: Remembering....

2011-12-10T00:57:00.001-06:00

The Christmas Carol with Tommy singing 'Oh Holy Night'....
Toke crying non-stop, and for no apparent reason, saying she would miss everyone....
Mi giving Toke a kiss before she got on the bus to leave. We both looked at each other oddly....
Mi asking Zikora, for the millionth time, to tell mi what happened....
Nkem asking mi to buy her chicken, saying 'mumie this is the last chicken I'd eat before I go home'....
Mi thinking she was weird for wanting to eat chicken before PH, but getting it for her all the same....
Wale giving mi his number on a piece of paper, and mi doing the same....
Mi getting home and serving myself fried rice for lunch....
My mum's phone ringing....

Hell coming alive....

Mum saying 'the flight Ma'a was meant to take crashed....thank God she missed it'....
Mi asking mum what the flight no was, what the flight time was....
Mum getting irritated I keep asking....
Mi praying she would say a different time....
Mum figuring it out and trying to calm mi down....
Mi getting a call cause my number was in Wale's pocket....
Calling Angela and begging her to tell mi it was something else....
My heart racing because I knew....

The world as we know it now coming alive....

The last six years and how my feelings towards that day have evolved....
The last six years and wondering where you all would be today....
The last six years and smiling at the memories of the short time we shared....
The last six years and smiling at the silly fights we had....
The last six years and smiling and the things I've come to learn and accomplish cause of you....
The last six years and knowing many years from now, God willing, I'd smile with you and tell you all about the time I spent with you on the other side....

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2011. 6 years after we mourned, we still shed a tear and think of you everyday....

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

Thinking of you yesterday, today and forever. In our hearts always
RIP

New Year Resolution

2011-11-28T20:03:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning feeling like I just woke up from a really bad dream. Problem wasn't the dream I just had. It felt like 'Mi' suddenly woke up to realize someone else had been living my life the past few years. And a close review of that person's actions felt very much like it should be a bad dream.

HSR: The reincarnation of a life/past you assumed dead but rudely awaken to.

Thats all am going to say about that.

I realized recently, well last night, that I am a social/emotional chameleon. Doesn't that mean I have no true identity per say?? Well only around them I believe. I think everywhere else, I am Mi, but once around them, I become....well frankly speaking I still have no clue on that. lol.

Thing is, Idk if I want to be sad about that or what emotional feelings I should have to this new discovery. I normal person would be quite disturbed. I was disturbingly intrigued by how easy it was for mi to change colors at 'need' and I think that fact bothered mi a bit. But the problem is I think I am only a chameleon when I don't feel the need to make an effort to let you see mi. Which, being the case it seems with all of them, makes the situation extra sad.

Idthink I am making much sense.

As for the title, I was going to say I would try and be 'Mi' with everyone as my New Year's Resolution, but as I went along with the writing, I realized that in itself would be a lie. To get there, I need to trust. Since I haven't found a reason to revisit that chapter, I would keep that little resolution elsewhere. One aspect I would stop' chameleoning' with though is the status change. Quite frankly its tiring, pathetic and down right unlike mi. lol. So I'd be single again. Scratch that, I am single. (sigh of relief).

Don't worry about understanding all this cause I didn't even try to as I wrote it. lol.

This is Mi.

2011-10-15T05:19:00.000-05:00

Today, I said no to my fling.
I called him over, drunk as hell, and with all intentions to do all shinanigans with him tonight. But then when he came over and we started talking, I realized a few things.
One thing I realized was I din't want to be that girl. He is back with his girlfriend, and I realized I didn't want to be that girl who slept with the boyfriend of another girl. I realized I didn't want to be the girl he cheated on his girlfriend with. I know how that feel, and its not a positive ''I want to feel it too" feeling I can tell you that.
Another thing I also realized is that I have a princess complex. I want to be treated like a princess. I want to be special. I want to be unique. I don't want a guy to come over to have anything to do with mi just because he is horny and needs to get it down, I want a guy to come over because he wants mi for mi.
While this might be something obvious to most, it is actually a new discovery for mi. I have never really liked myself as most can tell. I live within the realms of "'I aint good enough for a lot of things". But a the same time, I realized I really do think of myself in a more positive sense than I thought I did. Even when I am drunk, which I am trying to recover from now. I just sent a guy home tonight, a guy I totally want to do in all manner of ways, and I should have done in my currently intoxicated state without question. The only problems he had were two things: he said he had a girlfriend, and he also said he came to mi tonight cause he felt I wanted/needed something from him.
He was wrong in one aspect.
I do want something from him, but I do not need that thing from him. A
I am happy and sad at the moment. Sad because I did not get to fulfill my wonderful desire to be with him. But happy because I know I would wake up tomorrow, look in the mirror and still be able to say to myself and my reflection "This is Mi".
I am a proud mofo and for the first time, I acknowledge and appreciate that fact. I am too wonderfully and perfectly made to be some guys jerk off barbie.

Funny thing is, I am still not sober yet. But I will not be sleeping or doing anything with anyone tonight, and the only guilty feeling I will be waking up with, will be of the reversible kind.
If I aint special to you, we aint gonna be doing shit.

Case closed.

My love language

2011-09-30T03:15:00.001-05:00

Saying it has been forever is an understatement, but wow. I think its a good thing though, no??
I used to run here for solace, so the fact that I don't write as much anymore could mean I've either grown, have less problems to deal with or maybe just gotten too lazy.
lol. Whatever the case, I am back I guess.

Just finished reading Dengeki Daisy.
There are many reasons I love this manga, but I guess the main one is the fact that they wrote each other.
I think I am weird (save your comments on that).
Unlike most people, I find talking to people a chore. I'd rather write it all. I mean ya sometimes talking is necessary and all that, but I wish people would write mi more than call for instance. I'd like to hear your voice once in a while, but it would be better to write to mi.

Like with Ryo.
Don't get mi wrong, talking to him every sunday is actually fine. I understand that he is busy and its a huge sacrifice having him wake up at such an ungodly hour just to talk to mi cause of the time difference. I really do. Its just, I miss the emails. I miss the writing and the descriptions.
Maybe I am just too lost in fantasy. Or maybe its the fact that am listening to some really suppy music right now.
baa.

Oh I am in new Jersey now. New school, new place. It almost feels like freshman year all over again. But this time, I care less. Does that mean I've grown up more?? I am bored though. So very bored. Wish something random and different would happen in my life. Maybe I should get a kid, everyday would never be boring I think. lol. But no, life needs some spice.. Like how last semester's little drama occurred. Don't get mi wrong, my masochism doesn't extend so far that I enjoyed the pain I felt or want to relive it. But it was something you know?? I felt it. I was hurt, thought I would die from the lack of breath and the pain in my chest and all the hurt, but I felt it.

In the time that it was occurring, all I could think about was the pain. But looking back, it was something different. I wasn't bored. It hurt and I felt like shit but it was something outside my boredom. Yes, contrary to what many people believe, he was not my boyfriend. In all logical sense I should not have been affected like I was by what happened. But then at the same time, my reaction was perfectly logical. I am not happy about the outcome, I mean regardless of appearances, I did loose him. But that was going to happen at some point, it was only a matter of time. Maybe if I want to be honest, I could say deep down, after all said and done, I was sort of relieved the reason we separated was not because of mi but because of him. It probably hurt just as it would have if I had been the one to cause the separation, but my secret was safe. Maybe I took the coward's way out, or maybe I was saved cause there was nothing I would have done about what I couldn't say or act on.

Ah, I deviated.

I wish I could be more honest with my words. Maybe thats why I hate talking. Sometimes I feel like a compulsive liar. Too scared to say the truth and face the outcome, I'd rather write it out and not face the reaction head on. Idk if thats just a sad and pathetic excuse of a coward.

Anyway, I think I am getting depressed enough to need solace once more. So as my other half likes to say, ただいま。

A New Dawn: A Fundraiser For Kechi Okwuchi....and some

2011-07-27T19:04:00.000-05:00

So I realized today that despite the fact that I am one of the organizers for this event, I have not posted anything in relation to it.
Unfortunately, I dont plan on posting anything directly related to the event as I have already done that on our website www.kechiokwuchifundraiser.com.
With regards to the event coming up on saturday:
I cried today for the first time in ages. And no, it wasn't good.

For the same many reasons I don't cry, I cried today. And when I did, there was no one to make mi feel better. As I expected, which is a major reason I don't cry. Then I watched the slide show I made of her and us all for the show, and I remembered why I was doing it. I cried again (which is how I know everyone who sees it would cry), but this time it was for a different reason. I still didn't have anyone to complain to or make mi feel better, but it wasn't as disheartening as earlier.

It is late and I need to sleep, so thats all for now. lol.

Its been ages since I came here. Sigh.

Heartless

2011-06-26T19:31:00.000-05:00

So it occurred to mi recently that I had not been here in a while. Since this used to be my escape pane, I wanted my come back to be something flashy and all. Or so I thought. While in the middle of my pondering, I had an encounter that got mi thinking.
He said I was cold hearted, in so many words, and now and quite sad.

So cheers to all the heartless ones out there....the next poem to come is for you.

She

2011-05-04T00:58:00.000-05:00

Transfixed between death and the after life,
The gate way: revered, feared, misunderstood.
She stands there, spread out without notice.
She demands, she cares and all must fall in.

The whispers of her name ring across the world,
The tales of her powers are as old as God's first.
She can bring a nation to it's knees with one strike,
She can set freedom to the captives with one blow.

Tempting seductress, she entices many,
Taxing master, she terrorizes the rest.
She bleeds fear out from her pores.
She rides the world between her illusive hips.

There is not one who has or can resist her seductive melodies,
There stands one alone to have returned from her unknown.
She stands proud, ageless, timeless, forever to be till she is undone.
She is death, cold and divine.

Reservoir Chronicles: Him, Her

2011-04-27T21:56:00.000-05:00

Her,
Breathing stops, heart races.
He is here.
Panic attacks, mask slips on.
He spoke.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??

Her,
Words flow, amnesia occurs.
He is communicating.
Sarcastic. Unapproachable.
He is listening.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??

Him.
Blank, void, unknown.
She knows him not.
Secretive, dubious.
She never knows whats on his mind.
Trust-less, Ever doubtful.
She stands with a glass wall between them.
If your are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??

Them.
Caring, smiling, feeling, aching.
I guess their feelings are one.
Nonchalant, hurtful, unresponsive, doubtful
I guess their feelings are split.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??

Them.
Body united, no regrets.
Hearts separated, no obvious cause.
Minds bared, no answers.
Souls disturbed, no rest.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??

Why Can't I Hate You??

2011-04-03T07:46:00.001-05:00

Lets describe....short of words.....first time. Lol

Kill Mi quickly cause this slow shit aint cutting it. You won’t shut up, which is the only problem right now you know. Cause everything else I am used to, everything else I can take. But you just won’t Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Its not hard cause it was expected. Being observant is a bitch but hey, gives a girl a warning at least. Lol. So it was clear and accepted long before anything happened. Now we both know that, so why do you insist on going on and on about it?? Why won’t you just let Mi endure my hell in peace?? That’s unfair.

Hell is bad enough as it is, being there with you, now that is just the ultimate punishment.

Do I beg?? But that makes you happy doesn't it?? You get worse and there is nothing I can do about it....life is a lot better when I don't beg.
Fuck it, who we kidding, I won't beg you even if it would cost my life....I guess we both know it, which is why we also both know I am doomed to this hell you have placed mi.

Like it or not I may, but there is nothing I can do about it....so God help us both then....
someone needs to....

....From The Eyes Of The Beheld....

2011-03-23T13:36:00.001-05:00

When you adore something, you watch it.
You don't touch it.
You don't touch it for you fear that then it would be contaminated. No longer pure, no longer the beauty that you behold. You would be contaminating it with the essence of yourself. The essence that makes you thus unworthy, thus impure, thus a simple guardian.
You understand this, you accept this.
But then disaster strikes.
Now that which you adore so is in shambles. You watch as the pieces gather together. Holding on to each other to soothe the ache that they each share. The common ache that you all share, though yours is well masked, well hidden.
You watch the bond and once again, it's painfully clear. Your heart is hurt cause you watch that which you adore stand before you, its pieces holding on together to comfort itself. To become stronger.
Suddenly, it becomes even more painfully obvious, your position. You are merely an observer to them. A visitor, charming nonetheless, but still a visitor. One with a mere interest in what that which you adore are, but not one that can feel or understand like them. You are automatically tagged, along with the rest of the outsiders, as one with sympathy, but incapable of empathy.
Tragic loss.
Now you have to pains to deal with. The pain of watching your beloved hurt in a way you could never have wished upon your own daemons, of empathy. The pain of being all but ostracized as an outsider by the same beloved: Kept so close but yet so far, stuck between being one and being none. An empath to your degree, it hurts more.
You close your eyes, and the eery all too familiar echo of silence engulfs you. Not the silence of peace, but that which echos with lonesomeness. That which is plagued by the every living fact that awake or in sleep, remains eternal.
It's sad. Playing the beholder to the beholder to the beheld. The beheld knows not what it does to the other. The beholder cannot help the one between. For as sad as it is to say, the beholder is but one.
So to soothe yourself, you dive into the fantasies. The loves, the hopes, the dreams once held, all fulfilled. For a time, the ache is pacified, the loneliness is sated. And like a drug, the effect soon wears out, leaving you aching till the next dose.

If you understand any of this, then congratulations. You have become a beholder; seeing what no other has been able to do before - see from the eyes of the one in between....

Unwanted....

2011-03-14T07:20:00.000-05:00

I wish I was drunk. You would think half a bottle of vodka and about 4 bottles of ice would do the trick but sadly, I am still lacking....I am not pissed. Don't have a right to be. I feel.... more like I feel sick. Sick to the point that I want to throw up. Sick to the point I want to kill myself. Don't feel the need to tell the total reason why, so I would focus on what triggered this post.
Today the feeling came back. I walked beside her and I felt like pushing her into the road every time a car came by. Does that make mi bad?? I think I can say she is the first one I have had a Love/Hate relationship with.... Its not a 100%that I hate her, and its not 100% that I love her....I really am tired. lol.
Oh in case you were wondering, I am in Vegas.
Do I hate her?? No. I have managed to form one of those friendships which is based on 99% lies and 1% truth.... you know the ones restricted to women only....
At this juncture, I do hate myself and am going to bed.... night

formspring.me

2011-02-27T16:12:00.001-06:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/AiiMii

Reservoir Chronicles: The Real Mi

2011-02-21T12:18:00.001-06:00

"Let me tell you about Mi" she said....

....I chase after something that I myself do not know....

....I have the ability to kill, and I know it....

....Everything about life is a game to me, you loose some, you win some....

....I like good boys because its a puzzle finding whats bad about them....

....I hate self sacrifice....

....I smile as a reaction to all things, no emotional change....

"Let me tell you about Mi" she said....

....There is someplace I want to be, though I don't know where....

....I hate it when people make a completely false image about me to me....

....I love boys because they are more complicated and fun to pick apart....

....I would go with you to any length, simply to see how far you would go....

....I don't like girls partly because I am one....

...I want someone to understand me, yet I don't want to tell anyone about me....

....I love fast things....

....I love 'happily-ever-afters' in others...

....I want someone to tell us apart, yet I don't want to give any hints....

....And as I stared and listened to her, I wanted to say....

There is a fire in your eyes,

and it flashes through your smile.

There is a radiance that i know only comes with my glow.

There is a reason that I'm here,

And its something that I fear,

We refuse to release the other, 

And there in lies the problem.

The Illusion before you, 

Is a mere shadow of what lies beneath.

The face you see,

Is a mere representation of what sides it holds.

The voice you hear,

Is a mere cover for the true tales it tells.

The smile you behold,

is never loyal to one emotion.

Would you like to see the real Mi??

As would I.

Diabolical lover

2011-02-21T12:15:00.002-06:00

In the wake of the night,
I saw.
The shadows illuminated my room’s sky,
Forcing my unwavering attention.
The soft fiery glow warmed my cheeks,
Yet I knew for a fact one touch would scourge.
Like the ever living fires of Hades.

He came to me.
In sleep or dream I do not know,
But he came.
The skies became the baby blue of dawn,
Yet he glowed and smelt as the twilight.

Gentle kisses he placed,
And I felt them like rain droplets.
Yet I did not touch him.
Plead and cajole he tried, Immortal none the less; I refused.
Relishing the power.

His eyes now grey,
I fear a storm cometh.
He placed a hand on my chest.
I shivered.
His hands burned and cooled as they moved.
A sensation I did not know to scream from or weep with joy.

He kissed me,
I tasted his lips.
He tasted of the sea, the dead sea.
My eyes flew open, the cock crowed.
It was morning on earth.

Night and day he torments me.
Leading mi up the torturous pleasures of ecstasy,
Only to leave me hanging at death's door.

Yet day and night I long for him.
Like the sex craved drug addict he turned me into.
Sodom and Gomorrah had the right idea I wish to say,
For he alone would drive me insane.

The Art of Boredom

2011-02-21T11:52:00.000-06:00

The definition of boredom would be Mi, at this moment, sitting in an office space by myself with nothing to do. This is not meant to be the case though. And while I sit here pondering if I should be joyful or sad that my participants did not show up, I am also plagued with the ever living nightmare that this is just a glimpse into the everyday cycle of some people, i.e. 9-5ers, and I'm further reminded that there is no way in hell I would survive in their world. At least retaining my sanity.

Sometime soon, I am going to need to find a permanent solution to this seemingly life halting problem that plagues my 'daymeres' ever so often. But for now, my next participant is here, Thankest God, so I have to go work.

Bizarre Circle

2011-01-27T19:50:00.001-06:00

There is a man down the street. He sees you all the time, but you don't see him. He watches you as you leave the house in the morning on Friday at 10am.

You always open that door at 10am.

Then like clock work, you pick up the news paper, check the mail for the day then walk back into the house. A few minutes later, you walk out again, lock the door and walk to your car. You get in and drive down the street in the opposite direction from him.

You never see him, but he swears he sees you everyday.

Three houses down are the McClauds. The little girl, Ami, is six and wants to be a ballerina. Her seventh birthday is around the corner, and you promised to get her tickets for her first big life show.

You pass by the house as you drive on your way, and remember your promise.

Across the street from the McClauds is old Mrs. Harper. The woman slimes at you all the time as you drive by and you smile back. She always yells for the kids to go back in the house saying it's dangerous to be out at this time.
You smile and shake your head. The same old story everyday.
All would be as it was when you return Sunday night at 7 as you do every weekend.

But this Sunday is different.

You slow down as you get closer to the house. There are too many people outside, including the cops. Something is not right.

You stop the car and walk out, standing next to it for a second.

The man is there. He sees you, and you see him.

Suddenly he starts yelling. He is yelling something along the lines of "It was meant to be you" but you don't really know.

You walk up to the house and you know. Before the police get to you, you know and you feel it. The dread in your stomach, the realization in your head, and finally the calming and acceptance in your heart.

"Ma'am, is this your apartment?" The officer asks.

"She lives here but she is not meant to!" The man screams. You turn to him, a look of confusion on your face. What was he talking about?

You turn back to the officers and respond. "No sir, I don't live here. My friend does though. I only come to visit on the weekends. What happened?"

The officer begins his "I'm sorry" speech. There was a shooting, your friends have been rushed to the E.R. and you would need to come with them for more questioning. You hear the 's' after 'friend' and fight off a dread. You nod and follow the officer out.

The man was taken out before you stepped out. He is in hand cuffs now. Apparently he was the shooter. But why did he shoot and who is he? They can't figure it out.

He still continues to yell things about lies and how it was meant to be you. Did he think you lived with them though you were not meant to? Was that why he had shot them?

Your head hurts.

You try to tell yourself it is because of all the shouting, but you know it is not. It had been hurting even before you got to the house.

You look up and the sun is suddenly too bright. Everyone is shouting. You want to tell them to be quiet, but then you suddenly feel light and weak.

There is a shot. There is a scream.

You really want them to be quiet but it's all white now. Slowly you let yourself rest for a while.

You wake up in the hospital. Devan's with you. Your boyfriend.

"What's going on?" you ask, and his face is suddenly looming in your view. You want to tell him to move, but he is blocking the light so you let him be. He is fussing about something and you figure telling him to move would make him even noisier.

The doctors come in. They move your body around, probe you some and then smile at you.

"You had a blood clot in your brain, but we got it out now. You were lucky to have come in at the time you did." One doctor says. He continues talking about rest and other things, but you tune out.

Blood clot? Was that what the headache was about? But what about the shot and the screams?

Just when you decide you had imagined the entire affair, the officer comes in. He looks solemn.

"How do you feel ma'am?" he asks. You try to smile but it hurts too much. So you mumble an "Okay, considering", and he smiles.

"What happened?" you ask, knowing he was not going to begin talking otherwise.

He sighs for a minute, as though carrying a heavy burden. "Do you know Mr. Trover?" he asks, looking at me for a reaction.

Trover? Was he meant to be familiar? "No." You reply, hoping it was not going to lead to a session of brain checks to see if your memory was intact.

He nods and you are relieved. Then he tells you "Well Mr. Trover seemed to know you. He was the man at your friend's house when you walked in. We interviewed him. Apparently he was the landlord of the place and thought you lived with your friends. Did you?"

You shake your head.

"She spends the night on the weekends." You hear Devan say. You smile as he squeezes your hand. And to think you had planned on breaking it off the night before.

The officer goes on. "Well he went in to kill you in order to get you to stop living with them. He didn't see who he shot, but there were two victims. A man and a woman. He assumed the woman was you." The officer paused.

You close your eyes. If the woman was not you, then it had to be Trish.
"What happened to them?" You manage to ask. You open your eyes and turn to the officer.

He shrugs. "The man had a surface wound and was out of the hospital before the end of the day. The woman is in a coma. Her face is almost unrecognizable, and there doesn't seem to be any available ID to identify her. The doctor says its up to her now. It is a small town and the weekend, so getting her finger prints results would probably not happen until Monday. But you know her and we have the culprit so there is no rush."

You nod.
Devan's grip on your hand is a little too tight. You want to tell him to let go but you can't find the strength. Then you remember.

"I heard a shot before I passed out." you say, and see the real reason for the initial sigh. Ah, here it comes.

"He grabbed the gun of the officer closet to him when he saw you outside and aimed to shot you. You fell before he hit you. The McClaud's little girl was behind you. It was a clean sot to the heart. She was dead before the medics arrived." He falls silent for a second, then says a few things about getting your report when you get out and hoping you get better soon.

You did not hear him leave though. Little Ami was dead. Was it odd that you remembered her rosy cheeks go crimson when Mrs. Harper had yelled for her to go back in and called her a vile word? You remember you still had not bought the tickets you promised her.

Mrs. Harper....the old bat had been right in the end.

You look at Devan. He had remained quiet since the officer left. You glanced at the table behind him. There are white roses on the table. He follows your gaze then smiles at you. "Roses. I got them on my way in. I remembered they were your favorites."

You look at him then and smile. You hated flowers. Trish died for roses.

"You are holding on too tight." You say at last, and smile and close your eyes when he releases his grip.

You hear the door open and do not need to open your eyes to know he is here. You smile as his scent hits you.

You seem to be smiling a lot for someone in the hospital you think.

"Oh Dimitri," Devan says, getting up to shake the man's hand.

"Trish's room is down the hall. I am sorry. Funny they both got hurt at her apartment." he says.

You open your eyes then. Ah, that's right. He would think that.

You look at Devan. He has a single plastic blue rose, and you could tell he had dipped it in your favorite perfume. You stretch out your hand and he hands it to you. You notice he is favoring his left side.

You smile then turn back to Devan. Poor thing, he looks baffled.

The doctor comes in then. "Ms. Gardner is asking for you." he says, then waits.

Devan looks at Dimitri, but he continues standing. "The doctor's talking to you right?" he asks with a smile, but loses his smile when he glances at you.

You think he realizes then that the roses were not meant for you.

There is an awkward silence then he gets up. He turns to apologize to you but you shake your head and tell him "She told me she was pregnant two months ago. The same day we bought the Teaser perfume together, me and her. The same day you came home smelling of teaser."

He looks at you in shock for a second. He wants to respond, but the doctor coughs to remind all of his presence. He walks out with the doctor and doesn't say a word.

The door shuts.

You glance at Dimitri. He sits on the bed, leans in and gives you a kiss.

Well laid out plans.

Two months ago after you and Trish went perfume shopping, you bought the apartment in Trish's name yet she only found out about it last night.

You knew Trevor hated you. You knew he was going to try to kill you on that day.It was only a matter of setting the right time. But to think that he shot her up to the point of nonrecognition? You did not know he hated you that much.

He watched you, as you watched him. you knew he had come in the house at noon to see if he could get you unawares. So having Trish come over at noon gave him the once in a life time chance he had been searching for. No one was going to stop you if he didn't. The house owner did not believe him, the police thought he was crazy.

And why wouldn't they?

Though he claimed you lived there, he only saw you at 10am on Fridays and 7pm on Sundays. Yet there was no trace of you in the house at noon when he went in, and no sign of you coming in and out of the apartment even on the weekends. You simply went out at 10am on Friday, and came in at 7pm on Sunday. What happened in between was a mystery.

Poor thing.
He could not have guessed the tunnel beneath the closet door in Dimitri's room. Who could have? It had been built in the 80s, when the Viscoff family smuggled all sorts into the country. It was the family trade.
Dimitri was heir.

And he screamed on and on about how it was meant to be you, you almost felt bad for him, had it not been for the clot in your brain. But his mistake was as good as any other persons. It was impossible to tell Trish and you apart.
You are twins.

Dimitri kisses the crease off your brow. "It was not your fault." he says, and makes you smile.
The plans would have been perfect, but little Ami, for the first time, broke the rules. The little child always listened when Mrs. Harper said go in, but not last night.
Last night she stayed out cause you had promised.
It was her birthday last night, and you still did not buy the tickets she waited outside so eagerly for.
What a bizarre Sunday it had been.

Her darkness

2011-01-07T02:59:00.001-06:00

She likes the night because she is free.
All is still at night and all is alone.
Thus the echos of her loneliness blend right in.
The missing pieces in her smile go unnoticed.

She hates the day for she is bound.
The brightness shows it all, so she needs a mask.
To hide the tears and the emptiness within.
And words to deafen the hallowing echos from within.

1012 : 5 years future

2010-12-10T02:00:00.001-06:00

Once again we are at the cross road,
Standing, staring, on either sides.
Once again here we are,
Yet the date reads 5 years future.

I hear your laughter, I see your tears.
I hear your promises, I see your fears.
I know your wishes, I recall your prayers.
Yet the date reads 5 years future.

It was yesterday we sang carols together,
It was yesterday you promised mi forever,
It was yesterday we made plans for tomorrow.
Yet the date reads 5 years future.

They say time heals all wounds,
They say that to mi and I try to believe.
They wipe my tears as my heart breaks to bits.
I pray soon the time they spoke of would be here.
Yet the date reads 5 years future....and I am still waiting.

In memory of the 60 who departed on 10/12/2005. In my heart you always will be. And till the day we meet once more, continue to smile and bring joy to all where you are, just like you did to us here until 5 years past....

So like Mi

2010-12-09T21:13:00.001-06:00

I wish to yell, scream, curse, be blunt and be so....
unladylike.
I wish to jump, smirk, hiss, not give a shit and be so...
unladylike.
I wish to hit, scratch, bite, cause damage and be so....
unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.

I wish to be British polite, without the bashfulness of the Japanese,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to be rude when necessary and blunt with the devil's smile,
and be so....unladylike..
I wish to tell you all i feel, not caring as tears run down if they do,
and be so....unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches, letters and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.

I wish to show when I care, if ever, and when I don't care plainly,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to say what I want to whomever as before, accepting that it might be the end,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to smile at all times, and not discriminate among who I smile with a dagger to,
and be so....unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches, letters and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.

....In the Silence....

2010-12-06T15:50:00.001-06:00

Engulfed.
In the cone of silence,
She alone hears him.
Calling.
He is back....
Or maybe he never left.

Louder.
His colors bold as ever,
She alone can see them.
Bleeding.
He cuts her....
Or maybe the old wound reopened.

Mesmerized.
Trapped in his cold embrace,
Silent tears fall from her.
Mirrors.
He loves her....
Or maybe she hallucinates.

You.
Another walks in,
Silent tears like hers.
She hates him;She loves him.
For he is she, she is he.

Help.
She wants to scream,
No sound is heard.
In the still silence,
He alone hears her.
You alone understands her.
Neither of help to her.

She hears it,
She feels it,
She understands it.
That thing that fills the empty core,
Yet still leaves it empty.

....She....

2010-11-05T04:00:00.001-05:00

Darkness engulfing,
closer, closer.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to out run it.

Light receding,
faster, faster.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to run to it.

Shakes subduing,
colder, colder.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to get off the island.

Warmth retreating,
farther, farther.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to get close enough to keep it.

Cycle rotating,
slowly, slowly,
And no matter how different the show seems,
she can't help but end up at the same finish line.

Story unfolding,
magically, magically,
And no matter how wonderful the play looks,
she can't help but end up with the same part, audience, all the time....

Reservoir Chronicles: I wish I could....

2010-11-05T03:34:00.001-05:00

Take back all my care and worries,
take back all my frustrations,
take back all my sleepless nights,
take back all anxiety for you....
take it all back because you've made Mi feel so stupid.

Take back all the solutions I tried to think of,
take back all the rescues I did come up with,
take back all the fights I had because of you,
take back all the harshness I endured,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel so stupid.

Take back ignoring what seems now as the voice of reasoning,
take back stressing since it seems this was all fake to you,
take back the day I said 'ok, I'll listen' because it seems cursed,
take back letting some emotions show rather than leaving the cage sealed,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel so stupid.

Take back the times I smiled and said I cared,
take back the decades it seemed I spent praying for you,
take back the centuries it seemed I spent listening to you,
take back the millenniums it seemed I spent being angry for you,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel stupid.

Tell myself this is the last time and know it is true,
tell myself I can walk away from it all and know I can,
tell myself that I really don't know why I feel so and believe it,
tell myself that this is for your good and be happy with that,
tell myself to make it better, because you've made Mi feel stupid.

A lass in the end, she still stands alone.... her greatest fear now a reality.... which road do we turn to now, I hear her unasked questions.... and in the silence, it remains so.... unasked, unanswered.... as I watch the chains fall back in place, and the locks close in once more....

When You are Mad

2010-10-31T22:33:00.001-05:00

Why is it always like a roller coaster with you?? One minute you are smiling happily, and the next minute there is a war. She can't possibly make you happy, no matter how hard she tries. Yet you burden her with that seemingly impossible task. Fight as lovers, talk as friends, live as siblings and communicate as strangers. This undefined relationship is quite tasking.
But I guess this means nothing to you, as you don't care.
Selfish beyond comparison. It ached today. Funny how she feels nothing, but when it comes to pain, there seems to be a swinging door with a sign that reads 'Always Welcome'.
Sometimes you make her feel like the hopeless mistress, the other woman, in this illicit affair, where no one but you derives absolute pleasure. Which would be fine if this was so and you are always happy, but you are not and it is not.
You are miserable, and that's plain as day. All sides wish to curse you for forcing her to have to watch you willingly relive this nightmare that you call love, over and over till it seems you would break from it. All sides wish to curse you for putting her through this predicament and web of unwanted emotions. Yet as much as she wants to, she can't help but understand the fact that your sadness hurts her, and that it would be impossible for her to curse you. Even in jest.
Masochist you both are, no?? And I left to watch and wonder in semi disgust at the spectacle she makes, have to still look upon her with a weary eye. What happens to her with this game goes to far and she cannot separate herself from the web?? What happens to her if, by some miracle, you do get your fantasy dream??
You are both as similar as black is to white; as they are colors, and day is to night; as the are reps of time, yet just as different in some areas. You are both of the relationship between the sun and the moon, yet the part each of you plays is that is still but a mystery to Mi. I don't know if you are the sun and she the moon, or if she is the moon and you the sun sometimes. I do know you hurt her, in ways she can't even explain without coming off wrong.
*sigh
You would like to see her go wild?? Funny, the time seems close at hand....
These and much more I do ponder on when you are mad....

....All She Can....

2010-10-27T22:34:00.002-05:00

She smiles then you smile,
She stays then you stay,
She laughs then you laugh,
She says she is leaving and your shattered.
Without her, you seem to fall apart,
And all she can do is watch you.

Her words give you breath,
Her voice gives you life,
Her sight gives you strength,
Her hatred is your worst fear.
Without her, you seem weak all over,
And all she can do is watch you.

In her palms rest your heart,
In her palms rest your soul,
In her palms rest your life,
One squeeze and you are off the cliff.
Without her, you are a lifeless doll.
And all she can do is watch you.

Would you ever be really happy?
Would you ever be really whole?
Would you ever be really free?
Would she ever tell you the truth?
....All she can do is watch you....

....Only a little bit....

2010-10-27T03:31:00.001-05:00

I wish to see him everyday.
I wish to speak to him everyday.
I wish to see him smile everyday.
Maybe if I leave him a little he would notice.
Maybe I want him to miss Mi a little.

I wish he would dream of Mi everyday.
I wish he would think of Mi everyday.
I wish he would want MI everyday.
Maybe I want him just as miserable without Mi.
Maybe I want him to miss Mi a little.

I wish he would talk of Mi everyday.
I wish he would pine for Mi everyday.
I wish he would wish for Mi everyday.
Maybe I want him to come to adore Mi.
Maybe I want him to miss Mi a little.

I wish he spoke not of her everyday.
I wish he prayed not for her everyday.
I wish he longed not for her everyday.
Maybe I want him to come to choose Mi.
Maybe I want him to myself only a little.

Resevoir Chronicles: How did you feel?

2010-10-15T20:13:00.003-05:00

Did it hurt when I said I too was letting go?
Did your heart come to a slamming stop,
And then restart as it broke into a million pieces?
Did it feel a little harder to breathe or was it all normal?
Come on, why the silence? We are playing your game here.
Tell mi how if felt, because I am sure I always feel ten times worse.

Did you feel your dreams turn into nightmares?
Did you feel the life you knew suddenly become foreign?
Did you feel a sudden dislike for Mi that you couldn't stop?
Did you feel helpless as you realized you couldn't let go? Or could you let go?
Come on, why the silence? We are playing your game here.
Tell mi how if felt, because I am sure I always feel ten times worse.

Reservoir Chronicles: Now, You Should Lie To Mi

2010-10-15T17:58:00.001-05:00

Now why does my heart hurt when I see you?
Now why does my heart skip when I see you?
Now wait, my heart is dead, so what is that feeling?
Now wait, my heart is sealed, so what is that moving?

You had no right to come unlock my feelings and run away.
You had no right to merge my dreams with reality and then break away.
You had no right to give mi hope for normalcy and then rip it away.
You had no right to make mi smile for real and take the source away.

Should hate you for your fake smiles, but you would say we are the same.
Should hate you for your hidden emotions, but you would say we are the same.
Should hate you for your self-sacrifices, but you would say we are the same.
Should hate you for your unsystematic choices, but you would say we are the same.

Lie and tell Mi once more you do understand, and I would scream.
Lie and tell Mi you would try to change, and I would scream.
Lie and tell Mi you would become better, and I would scream.
Lie and tell Mi no more secrets, and I would scream.

To have and to lose, is a pain I am too familiar with.
To have and to lose, is a pain I have had to live with.
To have and to lose, is a pain I thought I was done with.
To have and to lose, is a pain you have reacquainted Mi with.

Mi, I think I am done talking and begging.
Mi, I think I am done crying and trying.
Mi, I think I am done wishing and hoping.
Mi, I think I have joined the others in letting you do as you wish.

Resevoir Chronicles: "Thats who I am"

2010-10-15T14:58:00.002-05:00

I close my eyes and I see your tears,
I close my eyes and I see your smile,
I close my eyes and I see you saying goodbye,
I close my eyes, and all I see is you.

I am aware of how you feel,
I am aware of how you think,
I am aware of how you are,
I am aware I dont comprehend the logic behind it all.

You always say whats on your mind,
You always say how you feel,
You always do as you please,
You always....its always about you.

You say you are listening,
You say you do understand,
You say you know what I am talking about,
You say a lot of things you don't mean.

Deciding when to come, you came.
Deciding when to leave, you left.
Deciding we be intimate, it did not matter.
Deciding all this, you did alone, we have/had no say.

Deciding the story, you make the play.
Deciding the characters, you act the part.
Deciding the ending, you take the bow.
Deciding the audience....wait, where do we come in??

Can I say....

'That's enough' is your standard response,
Who would have guessed it was never words alone?
I have been running in circles,
Am calling it quits now. Taking a rest.

'Thats my best friend' you say a lot.
Who can believe when it's always a lie.
I am tired of begging, talking, this circular journey.
Am finaly giving you your wish, I'll tell you good bye....

I wish I could say....

"That's who I am"

Reservoir Chronicles: Emotic Alien (Sequel )

2010-10-10T23:31:00.000-05:00

Juxtaposed fountain of emotions,
Emotions that dispute themselves.
Selfish, spoiled, juvenile and problematical.
Lovable, adorable, beautiful and child like.

Insatiable sun of a gun,
Perfection can only happen your way,
All other lanes are closed, only what you say goes:
In your little world and the real one too.

Lost and lonely kitten,
Fragile yet strong, strong yet fragile.
Sometimes with your heart at the tip of our fingers,
Scared to breathe for fear we drop it and kill you.

Now locked up away in chains forever,
Your heart does seem. Cold to behold through you eyes.
You choose to run and save yourself,from what I don't know,
Forgetting that once out, a heart freed can never be relocked the same.

Reservoir Chronicles: Emotic Alien

2010-10-10T22:43:00.000-05:00

Terror,
Unexplainable terror chokes mi,
As the expression on your face changes.
Pain,
Unexplainable pain pierces mi,
As I see the look now in your eyes.
Fear,
Unexplainable fear captivates mi,
As you turn and I think you are to leave.
You pause and ask for a reason to stay,
And tears are the only response I can bring up.

I can't find the words to explain to you how I feel.
Yet the terror for the pain that accompanies your reaction
to my lack of explanation,
Is worse than the terror that chokes mi with your expressions.
How do I tell you its not you I fear, but the idea that is you?
How do I tell you that first impressions for mi begin with fear,
and people always begin on pillars?
how do I tell you that my own self esteem,
or lack of it thereof,
Leads mi to think everyone an angel,
Till I find that which makes them human again?
A lass, how do I tell you that for you, I have found many a human factors,
But still, none strong enough to break this?

My hands are shaking,
I can already feel you leaving.
My voice is shaking,
I can already feel you gone.
How do i stop you?
It seems like every step I take is a mile from you,
But then again, I notice there was already a milestone creator
before us,
And that, I had nothing to do with.

So I watch us fall into an awkward silence,
And I count the seconds with my clock,
As it ticks away.
Knowing in a few minutes you would say 'I am leaving',
And I would sigh because there is no way to stop you.
Knowing you would walk out the door, and in a little while,
follow with a message.
Knowing I would now wish this dream, now nightmare, were but only
a dream.
And the clock would continue to tick away....

Venus and Mars, and all Hell in between....

2010-10-04T22:59:00.000-05:00

I. Am. Really. Tired.
This close to throwing in the towel and saying screw it. I haven't had this much drama in my life in such a long time, and worse still, I haven't had this much drama that I am 'unrelated' to half of in as long as I can remember, and besides stressing mi out, it is really really starting to get on my nerves. You know the five stages of grieve thing - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance?? Well I think I went through the first in seconds cause I was beyond shocked and all when I first heard, and then skipped to the fourth. I was stuck there for a little bit, but I think I am now back on track at the second.
Boys are devinately from mars, women from venus, and parents are from the now un-planeted planet, pluto. Mi, I am from the planet Zowrocks, so thats mainly why I cannot understand any of them.
In the first place, why people bother to have so many complicated emotions about life, whcih by the way is so fleeting, is beyond mi. Why can't they all just decide that life is short and so lets have fun, rather than having to include useless emotions such as the all time favorite 'falling in love'. Come on!!
Ok yes, I would admit that there are those who, visual only, seem to have mastered this act and are perfectly fine with that inclusing. And I am not saying it is bad, I guess not entirely. But if it causes so much sadness and pain, at least get the sense to know that maybe you havent mastered it, and now would be a good time to quit for a while. Get some fun.
As for the parents, really stressing over 'whats my child gonna become' is way too much stressing. And yes, I am probably talking cause I don't have kids, but I think if one is more free spirited, and trusting, life would fall into place. I am not saying wash your hands off the little brats, cause then they turn into monsters and all hell breaks loose, but I think trusting their choices once in a while wouldn't be so bad.
And as for the female race....If God had not had such a sense of humor, I think it would have been easier if men and women had the same brains. That way, things would not have to be so dang on complicated, and people would be able to have smoother and easier conversations. But he does have one. A sense of humor I mean. So here we are, stuck with two different languages. Tower of Babel all over a gain. Except here there are ony two groups, trying to hold a conversation in two different languages....Sigh.
Ok back to my dang research papper....don't even get mi started on where I think Professors are from, and what I feel is the just thing to do to that planet....don't

Unchanged

2010-09-26T03:26:00.000-05:00

Tears unshed,
Tears unshedable.
Pain unmeasured,
Pain unmeasurable.
Screams unheard,
Screams unhearable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Words unsaid,
Words unsayable.
Thoughts unshared,
Thoughts unshareable.
Things undone,
Things undoable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Time unwound,
Time unwindable.
Things undone,
Things undoable.
Mistakes not undone,
Mistakes not undoable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Emotions unnoticed,
Emotions unnoticable.
Feelings unshared,
Feelings unsharable.
Death unacomplished,
Death unacomplishable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Things ungotten,
Things ungettable.
Wishes unanswered,
Wishes unanswerable.
Desires unmet
Desires unmeetable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Faults unblamed,
Faults unblamable.
Problems unsolved,
problems unsolvable.
Help unatained,
Help unatainable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.
Yet, still remains, unbeating.

....Her letter to Mi....

2010-09-23T21:34:00.000-05:00

Dear you,

I would tell you about my frustrations. About how I feel hopeless and impossibly useless because I cannot do anything for them who matter to mi, but sit and watch as they crumble in different ways before me.
I would tell you about how I watch them cry in near fascination and despair, because while I want to ease their pain and help them, I still envy them simply because they are free to shed their tears.
I would tell you about how pathetic my life has become. About how I have given up on personal happiness, a term I know no meaning to, and now depend on them, among others, for my happiness. Thus when they are unhappy, I am at a loss for both worlds are in disorder, as the life line saving both has been temporarily (we hope) severed.
I would tell you about how I wish I could be with them forever. For then my fears of the dark and lonely minutes that accompany it would be eased, as I would no longer be alone.
I would tell you about how I close my eyes at night with nightmares of the future. Afraid to stay awake for fear of my thoughts, I run to sleep and am slapped back to earth by the nightmares that plaque mi. So I wrestle with the gods of thought and dreams, until dawn comes and I have to resume as usual.
I would tell you about the terrors I feel, when I look into the vast emptiness that is called my future. No plans, no strict ambitions, not direction. Never has it been so empty, and never have I had to wrestle with the enemy called 'Unknown' for this long. There is no 'store away' box big enough to hide this and so I wake to this companion, ever faithfully, everyday. I would tell you about how their smiles and happiness and 'I love you's seem to redeem a part of mi, and I feel like I am....

....I would tell you all these things and more, but here there is no you, and neither is there nothing to tell....nothing to tell, no one to tell it too....a lass forgive mi, for I have wasted your time....
She.

A funny weeping heart.

2010-09-14T23:21:00.000-05:00

Funny how people believe we to be lovers,
though I know truly what goes on beneath the covers.
Funny how my heart stands firmly in one place,
though my emotions take every turn in the maze but the right,
all ending as the first case.

Funny how you always make mi laugh,
yet the emotion never reaches my heart.
As the fear of loosing you chokes mi like a scarf,
and paralyzed, I try to capture the moment, cause I feel
deep down it would not last.

Funny how I am always with you yet I constantly feel alone,
we talk a lot, but never seem to say anything real.
And though I know I am closest to you this side of the ocean,
it makes mi sad that that knowledge, in reality is nothing but
an illusion.

If I knew the meaning of love, I might say I did you.
If I knew the meaning of happiness, I might say I felt with you.
If I even had emotions, I might try to express for you.
But a lass to mi, these are all elusive.
And so I remain amused by the funny things I see,
from a certain funny weeping heart....

Flip Side

2010-09-14T18:51:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I was a star,
so all my troubles and embarrassments
would be behind mi.
For though men would still get to see them,
It would not matter for I would be a million
miles long gone.

But then the troubles did have their turn,
and for the embarrassments, the people did
have their fun
For though man saw them too late,
other stars watched as they occurred.

Sometimes I wish I were a mother,
and my child remained but an infant.
For then it would love mi unconditionally,
and I would not need to prove myself so much,
or try to please so hard.

But then the infant did grow,
and its teenage years did glow.
Then the sweet obsession of old,
now became a delight sometimes so
painful to behold.

Sometimes I wish I were a bird,
with no mind of my own to worry.
For then I would truly believe that all will
be provided in a hurry,
and trust alone rather than try to help.

But then the eagle flies,
and my youngs as meals die.
And I am forced to think,
and worry about what tomorrow might bring.

Sometimes I wish I was the wind,
freely moving in the world as I see fit.
For I would go and see all that my heart pleases,
without worrying about who or what the cost upsets,
or something worthwhile I must do as I move.

But then the storms did come,
and destruction did it cause.
Then the son of man searched for ways,
to curb and put the wind in its place.

Lilith's Game

2010-09-12T23:48:00.000-05:00

There once was a girl,
who lived under a spell.
She cried up a well,
but dreamt in a shell.

There once was a girl,
Who rolled down to a cell,
She prayed the guards would tell,
but got to rot in hell..

I once knew of this lady,
fair beauty, quite contrary.
Had the pure smile of a baby,
But the deceitful heart of the enemy.

I once knew of this lady,
who sang more beautiful than the canary.
Her laugh made the males crazy,
But with a blade she produced the grand finale.

There once was a creatress,
Who built worlds of lies.
Men poured in gold and blood at her requests,
While she watched their dieing hearts try desperately to rise.

There once was a seductress,
men named the destroyer.
For they built her a fortress,
while their hearts burned in fire.

The tale of he, Seductive Destroyer

2010-09-12T23:46:00.001-05:00

Here lies the heart of that woman,
broken, battered, bruised and forgotten.
Here lies the soul of the man,
wasted, abused and in need of redemption.
They danced with love, child of fate,
and thus their tale of woe unfolded.

Here lies the tears of that woman,
Salty, in abundance, like the dead sea.
Here flows the blood of the man,
slashed in vengeance, the cold dish of revenge.
The fueled and listened to rumored lies, child of fate,
and thus their seal of doom now resounds.

Lilith's Tale

2010-09-12T23:18:00.000-05:00

1. Once many moons ago I sat.
And in sitting, I watched.
The vast darkness was still,
Until a crow dropped through my window's door.
Disturbing the peace.
Startled.
2. Most disturbed was I,
for the dark bird was large,
that I had to scoot to accommodate its wings.
'Are you hurt?' I asked,
feeling obtuse as I did.
Startled.
3. 'A thousand years I have flown,
seeking rest from my master.
yet no human but you has asked
'Are you hurt?' in care of my well being.
Startled.
4. My winged visitor sat up,
And I could feel the royalty.
I saw the woman,
I saw the bird,
But never did I see one on its own.
Startled.
5. I got off my seat, not sure of my response.
Never had I faced royalty,
much less one with wings.
The winged guest smiled.
Startled.
6. It was beautiful.
A smile so serene yet captivating,
A smile not human, yet not frightening.
I took a step to it then asked.
'Master you say?'
Startled.
7. It retracted its wings.
The most painful sight I did see.
Then it spoke.
'If Lilith doth tell you a tale,
would the human be opposed to a house guest?'
Startled.
8. It had a name.
Once called the bride of Lucifer.
Once called the first born of the Devil.
Once called first bride to Adam.
And this wished to tell a tale.
I wished to hold....
Startled.
9. The guest walked to I, Lilith was it?
'The tale I know of is of a seductive darkness,
One owned by the destroyer.
should you doth hear, accompany me?'
Startled.
10. Bells of warning did go odd,
But of what they warned I knew not of.
The mystical beauty before me,
was like none other I had seen.
I had to have.
Startled.
11. 'A tale of what do tell?'
My voice hoarse with the flue.
Yes, the flu.
For that it had to be.
As the alternative was Eros,
My morality shot.
Startled.
12. Lilith the being smiled,
and took a seat in my stead.
For one fleeing a master,
mighty comfortable was she.
Startled.
13. 'What is thy master?
What is thy crime?'
Morality of mine, shattered.
'A tale and a house guest are welcome,
though one room alone exists' said I,
in a voice that was not I.
Startled.
14. Lilith smiled and patted her side.
To the floor went I,
like the eager lamb to slaughter.
Voice as silk as honey,
yet of what she spoke I know not of.
Startled.
15. Night to day, day to night.
Until at last time merged with delight.
Lilith the queen had a tale,
And I the sheep gave my ear.
Startled.
16. Wings grew, blacker by day.
Man shrunk, smaller by night.
Feet ached, I looked.
Is that a feather's tail I see?
Her voice calleth,
In silk it doth did, and I responded.
Startled.
17. Master's tale was over,
and now we must leave.
I remember there is something I had wished to do.
Something of a sinful pleasure too.
But there is a journey to ascend.
Master did spread her wings and to the sky we went.
Startled.
18. Once many moons ago I sat,
lost in thoughts till fluttering feathers,
my view did bother.
At my window flew a crow,
Clawing eagerly to get in.
With a smile I rose, and my curtains did I close.
Startled.
How silly. Never did I like crows.

Resvoir Chronicles: My Protective Charm

2010-09-12T23:05:00.000-05:00

He broke pieces of his heart and left them as we walked.
I walked behind him, sometimes beside him, and watched
them shatter as they fall.
We got to a great lake and there we stopped,
And I walked back to pick them all while he slept.

They were pretty colors of shades of red,
Glistered in the moon light for all to see.
I would have dropped them but for one thing,
Those pretty little pieces did still beat.

So sorrowful and painful was their tone,
that my heart ached and bleed for him.
So in this box I have gathered and mended,
till they now form one sorrowful beat.

I add each piece as it falls,
remending the parts he has lost.
And until that day when his heart is none,
And he comes to mi with a plea to go on.

Till that day when his heart is none,
and I must return that I have to let him live on.
Within my chains of protective charm,
shall the pieces remain locked, protected, sealed and
Unharmed.

Seductive Illusion

2010-09-12T22:57:00.000-05:00

She sits and smiles at the clear blue skies,
In just a moment he would come by,
In just a moment she would look up and smile.
He holds out the flowers and box of chocolate,
Perfect date it seems, till she tries to receive,
and finds out when its too late.
The pictures crumble,
Her smile fumbles.
Suddenly the skies are not so blue,
His image no longer true.
The bell rings and she opens her eyes,
A tear rolls down as she remembers and cries.
Remembers once more her perfect world of lies.
Yet another flirty moment with a seductive illusion.

Reservoir Chronicles: Parallel Universe

2010-07-28T12:02:00.001-05:00

Walking the same path,
Two lines they are.
Seeing the same things,
But at different times and different views.

Wanting the same things,
These lines I see,
Yet feeling so alone,
For the other just went by a second ahead.

You don't see the footprints in the sand, do you?
I ask one line.
Take a break from your run and pause, would you not?
I ask the second.
Yet to the finish they both run,
Only to get there alone and begin the journey back,
Alone once more.

Two lines they are,
Parallel yet of the same goal.
Both wishing to meet the other,
Both believing the other is fine alone.
Both being sadly wrong in their conclusions.

Two lines they are,
And like mi, lies are their favorite companions,
For they believe the other is happy,
And in the other's happiness, they would find theirs.
But in this triangle we know,
That is but an aged old maid's tale....

Would you slow down and watch the sun set with mi?
I ask one.
Would you slow down and watch the sun set with mi?
I ask the other.
And then I silently pray,
That they both heard 'sunset',
And they both make it to her slow descent,
So at some point in the sun's return,
The two universes would become one again.

Your Silence

2010-07-28T10:27:00.000-05:00

Your silence is like a knife,
Slashing deeper and deeper as it extends.
Your voice is like a salty balm,
Painfully calming the wound the knife burned in,
Until the next season of ur 'silent' attack.
I wonder which she craves for more.

As painful as it sounds,
I understand that she cannot force upon you,
That which she still cannot accept herself.
Yet this realization hurts the more,
So she silently weeps.

Would you be so kind as to cut the link entirely,
So the wound may at least begin to heal?
Though I fear you are so oblivious
that you do not see the trail of destruction you leave in your wake.
I beg you, have pity.

Its not fair for mi to be mad at you.
Its not fair for her to be sad alone.
Thus I am for once grateful to fate.
For she has placed you and her oceans apart,
And soon she would no longer long for your voice.
For in her lonely sorrows,
She may become content in the knowledge that
Your silence is all that she can have.

Goodnight.

Japan 2010 Slide

2010-07-12T08:04:00.000-05:00

Okay I know I have been really bad with communication and uploading pictures, and I truly am sorry for all that (lol) please forgive mi. Now that that is cleared, in the hope that this would atone for some of my sins, I have put together a short slide show of my stay in Japan so far. You know I do not do this....ever....so pls think about all the time and effort I put into this and do forgive okay? (Yes the last line was to someone in particular....><)

As much fun as I had putting this together, I figured you would know that mi writing the names of the people in the slides was as good as mi showing up at your door step right now, not gonna happen, sorry! But still, here is a little bit of what I have been doing in Japan so far. As for the others from this half, you would have to wait till I return :)

Enjoy the video and feel free to leave comments at the end, always welcome....

Fire

2010-06-28T12:27:00.000-05:00

So because someone has now become an official Fcktard tonight, I have to sit here and count sheep or something through what is threatening to become a resumption of painful agony. The lighter wont work, and I sit here trying to breathe through all this, when it could have all been over ages ago with a quick match. And don't ask Mi why genius fcktard over here cannot ask someone, any freaking person here since this is smoke central, for a lighter because thats another book.

The depression would hit in the morning, and then I would have to baby sit. Which is another thing I blatantly would love to avoid. Why do I have to be the one with both the care and don't give a shit emotion when it comes to her? I wish she would just drop all....oh gosh, I wont be able to handle it if she cries. The damn would break and a nervous break down would be even closer....

Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....

If she had the balls, she would have started off with the one she all but stalks now, but lets face it, the rationalization that one must first love one's self in order to accept love or care from another was invented with her as the foundation. So that would not be happening for a while. And I know my current loathsome feeling is not helping the situation, but it cannot be helped.
I wanted it burned dammit!

But why won't it work? The more she tries, the closer the tears come and the more frustrated i get. It is glued shut, and without a clear reason for this, her frustration is unfathomable at the moment! Please help. I need fire tonight or there would be a different kind of burning, one that she, and maybe Mi, might not survive or recover from....

日本 + Arabian Nights + いもとうのふく + 6 inches=....

2010-06-22T09:14:00.000-05:00

So I have been postponing this post for the better part of my stay thus far, maybe out of some wish for a divine understanding of the situation I am in now. But since the intervention has not come yet, I would go ahead and post.
I find the Japanese guys' costume (because that is what it is) nothing short of amazing! The boys have three main attires from what I can tell, and two of which are part of the subject of this monologue.
First off, the Younger sister collection.
When did it become generally acceptable for boys to wear very tight fitting capris, most tighter than any pair of pants I own!?! I was mostly alarmed when I realized it was more than a select few who chose this as the attire of the day. I have nothing against the Japanese fashion sense (I feel I should point this out before we go on), but dang those capris! I am sorry, but a guy in capris cannot really expect mi to take him all that seriously! Then the ones who decide to accessorize theirs with an assortment of pink belts, chains and stars, yet swear that they stick to clams are a very interesting bunch I must say. You know there is a problem when your boy friend's pants are not only tighter or just as fitting as yours, but are also more brightly colored than yours!
Note: There is nothing manly about wearing a pair of capris. There is nothing masculine about wearing a pair of brightly colored capris. It is most distracting....lol
Now we go to Arabian nights.
I must say, for something so out of the norm, these kids can pull it off! Sure they look like they are meant to star in Disney's Aladin, but dot hey pull them off. It looks pretty comfortable I must say, and would definitely not fair well worn in America, but they look perfect in them. lol.
Ah the blessed 6 inch heels.
I love heels. I have more heels than regular shoes, and more shoes than clothes, so believe mi when I say I love and have nothing against them. But there is nothing that would possess me to wear 6 inch heels to class on a daily basis! Aside from the fact that Carbondale's road does not provide room for such luxury, 12 hours in heels is not fun for anyone.
This is why I have to respect the Japanese girls, or at least the ones here for their tenacity! These babes rock heels, not lower than 4 inches, to class everyday. I stare at the shoes and I am like 'OMG that is gorgeous' but then I look at the sky and go 'Its freaking 12pm now, is she gonna be in that for the rest of the day?' But they rock it. At least some of them do. Some you feel the need to walk behind because you are sure she will fall over in the next minute, or you feel super sorry for because she looks like she is in pain.
But dang, the do have some very gorgeous very expensive shoes!

So now that I have come here and realized that the reality of my dream extended more than 2 months in Japan, I have of course, as we all know, began the process of a more extended stay. lol. Would let you know more about that in detail later.
Now off to study for my 単語と感じ quiz, as I continue to question myself and my sanity for this....lol.
Dang, do I love Japan!

P.O.D

2010-06-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

There are very few fucking things I hate. So for you to do one of those and get mi this riled up, you know there is or has been a problem. For starters, let mi let you know that the concept of 'bros before hos' is such bs, it aint even funny. It is just as stupid as its reverse, 'hos before bros'. No one controls the heart, and those who try to do, end up being sadder and more stressed out that they need to be.

Why the freak do guys (most)feel the need to decide, on their own, what girls they would step aside from to let their 'bros' in on, and what girls work well either way? I mean I get the fact that there is a need to be considerate, but pls, we are not fucking toys or note books! We do have feelings, can decide for ourselves what we want, and damn well do not feel the need to be tossed from one to another, fought over though we know not what about, or get our decisions made for us 'because we deserve better'. Really, listen when you are spoken to and life would be swell.

I am tired.
I am tired of her talking constantly in my head and driving mi crazy because she feels like she is being ignored. I am tired of him ignoring her and causing her to get mi this crazy. I am tired of having to feel gross and disgusted over and over because of her. And most especially, I am tired of the self-loathing. Really, she needs help, and I am tired of trying to give it to her. She needs help, and I am tired of trying to be the one without the psychology degree, trying to administer pshyc help nevertheless.

I am tired, so this is why I ask you for your help. She says she wants change, then force her to change. She says she wants something new, then force her to go for it. She says she wants him, then for fucks sake, make her try, just this once, to get him. Because I fear that soon my sanity would break. I fear that soon I would no longer be able to love her as I do now. I fear that soon I would hate her, and then in turn hate them, and thus in turn make this world a living hell for all of us.

So to make that not happen, I ask that you take care of her. Just this one time. Change her as she wants to be changed. Make her as she wants to be. Let her look in the mirror and see what you want her to see. Let her be who she wants to be. Idcare how much it costs, Idcare how much it would take, but I do care how long it would take. Let her get a change, before the end of the summer, to look in the mirror and really smile. To look in and decide that she truly does look good today. Not that her make up looks good enough to hide the other flaws, or everyone is too drunk to remember anything that happened, but that she would look in, see herself as she is or has become, and fall in love with that person, no matter what the reaction from others is about.

'We'll talk about it later!' Really mi dear, get some pussy and readjust your center of gravity. Switching sexes.... shit focus sometimes....lol

Dark Passenger

2010-06-11T15:35:00.000-05:00

Last night he spoke,
the dark one. The single Passenger.
She tried not to listen to his words, but as the night drew on,
it got harder and harder.

Last night he called,
And she found it harder to resist.
The end looked even more gorgeous and she wanted to go.
Beauty seemed to reside there alone.

Last night her heart, if it doth still exist,Bled.
She bled for that which she wanted.
Did not know she wanted till it was gone,
Did not know she wanted till she lost it.

Last night he yelled,
and she partly complied.
She wanted to do as he said, because it seemed like it would be better.
She wanted to do as he said because it seemed freer.

He was taken from her even before reality set in,
He was taken from her even before her heart could return,
And that which took him from her is sadly one of her own.
Lost in this maze, she is.

Let her out.
She does not want to want him if she cannot have him.
Let her out.
She does not want to hate if there is no need for it.
Let her out.

So now she shall sit, in disgust with herself.
Now she sits, wondering when the next breakdown shall hold.
Now she shall sit, knowing he she cannot and probably will never have,
Now she shall sit knowing he was kinda into her.
As a voice she would be perfect,
As a sign, she would be perfect.
So is her dilemma, so is her sight, so is her fate.

But tonight once more she worn.
Tonight once more, the dark passenger has receded.
Tonight once more, her chains are freer, her cage wider.
Tonight once more, she lives.

Them and I

2010-06-04T12:26:00.000-05:00

Its almost 3am here in Japan and once again, I can't sleep. No news here.
I just started the series Dexter this week and finished Season 1 today, and I think it might be best for mi to take a break from the show. But we all know that's not going to happen.
I live for this. lol.
But then it occurred to mi why I cannot always immediately identify with the victims when I read of a murder, especially serial killer case, and why I did not do so well on my Victimology class.

I sympathize with the killers.
No, before you ask, I do not agree that murder in any form is good. But I find myself drawn to their story. I want to know why they kill, what pushed them to it, what could have been stopped in the beginning to prevent them from having what we 'regular' people have dubbed a 'normal life', and have perfected the act of faking.
When Dexter killed the last victim in season 1, I felt the loss. It is so strange how I felt my emotions change even as I knew that the death was approaching. For those who watch Dexter, you would understand why this doesn't entirely fall under victimology. At least in my logic.

If only Harry had made a better decision, who knew what difference that would have made. But then without Harry's personal input, I would not have a show.
I guess its safe to fall back on the all too popular saying, 'everything happens for a reason'. But you have to wonder, what sort of divinity is this Fate people blame for all, if it allows a child to be abandoned after watching murders, knowing fully well that that would bring about a serial killer in the future? Yes there is the claim that there is a need to balance the universe, a need for a balance of life and death, and that serial killers, as well as other killers, in their own bizarre and sometimes gruesome way, help fulfill this cause. But is there really no other way for the cause to be fulfilled than this? To doom one to die and the other to take the life, thereby dooming them both?

They say when you take a life, you give up a piece of your soul. Its the law of equivalence. But when you take a life, you release a soul. How is that a balance? A soul is out, and a piece of yours leaves. Everything that has a beginning has an end. One has to wonder, what happens when the last piece of your soul leaves? Does the balance not now shift, now that your soul, which giveth and taketh from the universe, has now given all of itself, but taken nothing in exchange?

I sit here and wonder about all these things. Criminology and Victimology all have the same foundation according to people: To help the victims. But I think people forget a fundamental difference between the two. While the victims in Victimology are in fact those who are hurt or those who loose the hurt, the victims in criminology are truly those who do the hurting. They are victims either to society, to law, to their health or to something Fate has whipped out of her own hat for the sake of balance.
This is why I do not hold fate responsible for the balance in my life. For if that's the case, then when do I know she needs mi as the next exchange for balance?

The Breakdown: Confrontation

2010-05-01T14:41:00.000-05:00

She woke up drenched with sweat, the pain in her chest almost unbearable. There was nothing in the room as usual, but still she looked around. The clock said 3.00am, but she was sure that had to be wrong. Because if it was right, then it meant she had only managed to sleep for thirty minutes. Thirty damn minutes! A month ago, if only, her most detested phrase, would never have been her sing song. A month ago, she would never have guessed that there was a possibility for a still heart to have a wound carved in that hurts even when it refuses to beat. A month ago, she would never have watched her (http://mi-herownworld.blogspot.com/2010/05/shattering-dreams.html).
She lay back on the bed, wondering what she was to do next. Sleep was definitely not forth coming as she had now come to find out, and her thoughts needed to be kept at bay, as they always led to destruction, not a good thing for her in case one was wondering. She glanced at the study table looking at the pile of books she was meant to have read. Suddenly a train passed by breaking the almost deafening silence, and though the sudden sound was startling, she found herself missing it as it faded. The silence seemed to reecho, and with it, others seemed to wake (http://mi-herownworld.blogspot.com/2010/05/things-she-fears.html).
Her most dreaded dream came back to haunt her, and this sleep she knew she would be forced to ride out. She sat in the big room amongst others, all awaiting the same thing. Except with her, she felt those who had come to wait on her were expecting more. What a scary predicament she was in. on the one hand, her self-loathe and definite disappointment she seemed well enough to handle. Years of experience had thought her so. But on the other hand, theirs she was not sure she could take on. Suddenly her name was called, and the others seemed to fade away. She was alone, about to face a crowd of expectations and long lost dreams (http://mi-herownworld.blogspot.com/2010/05/blank-pages.html).
Day is here at last, and her sentence to hell has come to a pause. She gets up, showers and dresses. She puts on the appropriate amount of makeup, not too much to draw the attention, but just enough to cover the scars. The smile is turned on and the eyes begin to twinkle. She turns off the house lights, walks out the house and says a bright hello to all that pass her by (http://mi-herownworld.blogspot.com/2010/05/who-would-believe.html).
So now that you have heard her tale, write her a bed time story to help her day. One that rhymes and brings a real smile to her lips. Not the one she currently owns, that she gets for free, but one she can have and hold. If you do decide to take on this mission, click below and send the tale with the name you wish to be addressed by:
tiazmi@gmail.com

Then refresh the tales in 30 mins (for thats how long she has to sleep), and watch the smile you have given her unfold....
She lives to love, she loves to live, she lies to love, she lies to live….

Who would believe....

2010-05-01T14:40:00.000-05:00

If she told them she was not as shinny within,
If she told them the glitter was surface wise only,
If she told them at the end they face a fall,
Who would believe?

If she told them she was scared and alone,
If she told them it was now far too late,
If she told them the hands of time showed no mercy,
Who would believe?

If she told them her fate had mislead,
If she told them the blame was misplaced,
If she told them she despised she more,
Who would believe?

If she told them the pain was there,
If she told them it was not an excuse,
If she told them her punishment was worse,
Who would believe?

If she told them how she tried,
If she told them how she feared,
If she told them how she fought,
Who would believe?

She dreamt of a happy ending,
She dreamt of that long awaited smile,
She dreamt of that final pride,
But now at the end,
Who would believe?

Shattering Dreams

2010-05-01T14:39:00.000-05:00

She watches the chips fall off,
One, then two, then another still.
She watches the paint wash off,
A stroke, then two, then another still.
She watches the picture fade,
A scene, then two, then another still.
She watches her world crash,
A piece, then two, then another still.
And as she watches her shattering dreams,
The tears still won’t fall.

She watches the story change,
One line, then two, then another still.
She watches the faith despair,
One inch, then two, then another still.
She watches the scenery move by,
One, then two, then another still.
She watches the color fade,
One tint, then two, then another still.
And as she watches her shattering dreams,
The tears still won’t fall.

Is it pride that holds them in?
Is it fear that keeps them sealed?
Is it fate that she has come to accept?
Is it her nightmare that has now merged with reality?
Is it disbelieve and false hope that hold her still?
What is it that keeps her still heart still still;
Even as she watches her shattering dreams fall at her feet?

Things She Fears

2010-05-01T14:38:00.000-05:00

Silence is a terrible bed mate,
But suspense is a vengeful lover,
And failure, the unrequited love.
In unison, my heart’s breaker.

The reaper is a dutiful collector,
But the movie player is like the Russian mob.
And the cause is the coy mistress.
The union holds the tag: DON’T FUCK WITH.

The numbers cut like knives,
But letters drain the blood. Slowly. Surely.
And the fallacy in her hopes is like a salty balm,
In their union, she toys with death.

She has opened Pandora's box,
Slowly but surely it is unveiled.
The world shall soon bear witness,
Of her self-doctored execution,
And they shall watch the first outpour in disappointed silence,
Not caring for the story that led up there in.

Blank Pages

2010-05-01T14:37:00.000-05:00

Blank page sits before mi,
Like the book of judgment.
I sit here waiting for the words to appear.
I sit here waiting for the invisible ink to move across.
Writing my sins,
Dirtying the now beautiful white with black, brown and crimson.

Blank page stares back at mi,
Like the book of judgment.
What would the ink write?
What details would it leave out?
The world awaits, and I shudder in fear.
For they must turn to hate and disgust after my sins are revealed.

Blank page sits before mi,
Like the book of judgment.
Would it be enough to hold my transgressions?
Or would another blank paged stare need to be endured?
A bitter laugh bubbles up as I realize like one vain at death’s door,
I wonder more about my appearance than I do the vast sins I posses.

Blank page stares back at mi,
Like the book of judgment.
Funny isn’t it; that we are back at this?
Then I wished to have a longer leash,
But now I see that the shorter was better,
As being yanked back from a great distance hurts a lot more.

Blank pages sit before mi,
Like the book of judgment.
Don’t judge mi is what I wish to say,
I had my reasons is the explanation I have to give.
But as I stare back at the soon to be disappointed stares,
I save my breath.

Blank pages stare back at mi,
Like the book of judgment.
Soon I know it would hold my sins,
My deceit, my lies and my failures.
And though I have enough reasons to make my case before the judge,
I fear sadly, this jury is worse than he.

Deadly weapon

2010-04-25T04:29:00.000-05:00

She hides from them in hope that he looses focus,
the things she does to get him to notice her,
she counts in his absence, not minding who is around.
A crush she calls it, but destruction I do.
She hates it.
For it reminds her of how she was and her insecurities.
She hates her.

He adores another and there is no helping it.
She is a friend, and there is no helping it.
No matter how much seduction she puts in,
Its too late.
He adores another and there is no helping it
She is a friend and there is no helping it.

No matter how much seduction she thinks she puts in,
Its too late, he adores another, she can't hurt that other.
And she does not work seduction.
Life's a bitch aint it?

So I shall remain the suicide watch,
As she is too far gone to tell.
Too bad she always wants what she cant have or cant keep.
Life is a bitch, and she is living it

Reservoir Chronicles: The Punisher

2010-04-19T18:34:00.001-05:00

She binds herself in ropes of steel,

in mental torture that puts mi in semi-agony.

What heinous crime has she committed,

that she would choose her self-torture to be so?

We hold our breaths as the egg-shells we walk on crack,

for today might have her awoken blank.

Or sad, or depressed, or filled with self loathe.

For a crime, we cannot identify, committed.

She reinforced her conscience with the fires of hell,

and now as a back fire she burns with guilt.

On the road of pleasure, guilty pleasure,

for abstaining, guilty desire, and for doing, guilty deeds.

At what point does the balm awaken?

Little one listen,

for you seem not to know the meaning of a crime.

Though your core-conscience is like a babe's,

that innocence might be the death of you.

You strangle yourself with un-understandable guilt,

a guilt that to us is but an illusion.

Let the real punisher do his job and be, for he has no page on you,

let the punisher be and stop writing your own self-created sins at will.

Reservoir Chronicles: The Illusionist

2010-04-19T18:06:00.000-05:00

Her eyes sparkle every time,

but the ring of self-defense still remains.

She gives the illusion of intimacy,

but a'lass, that is but a one way street.

She hides behind Jericho's walls,

reinforced with steel.

So the hologram she projects of her life,

that which you see, is not she.

Life did not deal her a fine hand,

but all thought she took it with a smile.

Yet behind the illusion of joy she presents,

the lost and lonely broken child sleeps.

Shielded behind Jericho's walls,

guarded by herself./

Rescue might come around,

but a'lass its too dark and she too scared to tell.

So as we sit and watch her fiction,

I can't help but smile in envy.

For she steps over all the black cards,

riding on with a smile at her wake.

Yet still as we sit and watch her fiction,

I'm almost scared to breathe.

For what happens when she runs out of tape,

and the Illusionist's spin reverts back to reality?

A Lover's Prayer

2010-04-13T04:47:00.000-05:00

I do not want to be loved by you till insanity,

Because when I make a mistake,

I am treated by the insane psychopath that

Your love has made you become.

I do not want to have you sacrifice all for mi,

Because then you would demand I give you my all,

And when I cannot because I am human and selfish,

Hell comes asunder.

I do not want to be thought of by you constantly,

Because then you become controlling,

And when I try to plan a surprise for you,

I could get shot for cheating because I can't tell you where I am.

Love mi if you must love mi, But love Him more.

Sacrifice for mi when you must sacrifice, But always for Him more.

Think of mi enough to make mi smile, But have Him in your thoughts more.

For if I do the same, we would have just the right amount to make our cup full....

Sleeping Fairy

2010-04-04T01:10:00.000-05:00

'I want to see you tomorrow'. I reread that text.
Over and Over, Over and Over....
I close my eyes. Maybe sleep will come.
I open my eyes.
Ahh, tomorrow is here. I glance at the clock.
11:30pm.
How can the tomorrow I always dread seem so far away all of a sudden? How can it be that only 3 hours have passed since I went to sleep?
I have never waited for a day for so long. My heart throbs with anticipation and fear.
I want to see him. I want to see him now.
I am scared to see him. What does he have to say? What does he want to tell mi so earnestly by that fountain. I am scared it might not be what I want to hear. But I want to see him.
There is no sense in this. Waiting? There is no reason for all that.
I get off my bed and change.
"I'll come over in 10mins" is the text I sent him.
I change faster than I have ever before and run down the stairs.
My heart racing, My mind in a fog.
What do I say when I show up? I couldn't wait? I wanted to see you now? Too cheesy?
"Hika you up?" My mother says as I get down.
"Yes, I couldn't sleep. Want to go out for a bit" I respond.
She laughs.
"Couldn't sleep? Huni its 11:50pm."
I look at her quizzically.
"You've been asleep the whole day! I was getting worried...."
Her voice trails off....now what do I say when I do see him....

Our fears....

2010-03-14T21:08:00.001-05:00

I sit here and watch her,
Terrified to move,
Terrified to breathe.
What if she decides this is it and we are through?
What if she decides she is too weak to go through with it?

For the first time in years the sight of the blade got her heart racing.
For the first time in years, I was not sure what she was gonna do with it when she saw it.

Alone is scary.
Lonely is sad, sadness is sad,
But alone is scary.
The darkness closes in and all I can do is watch her.
I can't help her for I fear we would both be pulled in.
I can't help her for then there would be none to help us out,
None to tell our tale.

The insomnia gets worse,
And when she drops from exhaustion,
The nightmares are unbearable.
Is there anyway to stop this?
Is there any savior in sight?

I know what it is but its hard to accept.
I know its the cycle and thus inevitable.
But I still hope and wish.
Time seems to crawl when she is at this phase,
Like that never ending road that is meant to lead home.

Don't ask her why because she can't say.
Don't get mad when she can't say cause that hurts her.
For you know not how long it took her to convince herself to do whatever.
Though there is no verbally acceptable why she can come up with,
She did think it through.
But the situation is similar to humans needing to breathe to live.
Why must we need air to live?
Just because....is her why....

But she would come out of it, this I know.
For the light is here once more,
That soft warm light at the end of the road.
Though she takes a while to figure out how to get there,
It still shines through the darkness.
She still remains sane and holds on because of that warmth.

I sit here and act as the book keeper,
Detached yet attached to her we both stand alone.
the unknown is a fear that knows no bounds,
But even greater still is the fear of one's self.
The fear of being alone.
Someone help her....help her before she looses to her racing heart at its sight....

かわいそう。。。。彼女の話。

2010-03-14T11:54:00.000-05:00

もつかれた。。。。
一人はこわいです。かなしいとさびしいはちょっといいですでも一人はそじゃない。
今。。。。だれかをたすけて。。。。でもむりですね。。。。

ね、もし私が行きます、あなたがしんぱしますか？
でもね、あなたはだれですか？

だれか。。。。おねがい。。。。このばしょ。。。。一人は。。。。ひとりこわいです。。。。

She's back

2010-02-26T11:30:00.000-06:00

Its so funny how my first post of the year is mi telling the world am about to freestyle a finance test!
Yes I know what you are thinking, who the heck does that? And no before you say it, am not a finance guy. lol.
Now that that's settled....
AiMi's back. Yes I know the name has changed plenty over the years, but I promise, this is here to stay. I kinda lyk it cause it still means the same thing as my real mame....lol.
Nothing writing spectacular happened over the break....well miracles did but I dont have enough space to write about all of them so....lol.
Finally decided am gonna become a writer and own travel and touring agencies. I guess the whole business thing is gonna pay off in the end. 3yrs of suffering not going to waste.
Might be going to Japan this summer....wohooo....I think....would talk more on that later.
Well, time to go play in class cause thats all I think am gonna be doing for the next hr....
but hey who kows, maybe a miracle would come around once more....

Cheers,

AiMi

1012: Did....do....forever do....

2009-12-09T01:36:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow did come.
Time did continue.
The world did rotate, still.
Babies did still gain life.
Birds did fly.
Buildings did go up.
My pain did still remain.

Love did begin.
Lovers did end.
Laughter did ring.
People did graduate.
Prayers did get answered.
Parties did get crashed.
My pain did still remain.

Some years did go by.
Some thoughts of you did make mi smile.
Some tales of you did make mi cry.
Forty-five minutes they say it did take.
Four minutes they say it did take as well.
For mi, an instant was all there was - and my world did shatter.

I miss you my angels, and though the sun did sine latter....I did, do and forever will miss you.

Kitty-Kat

2009-11-14T00:50:00.000-06:00

9 lives had the cat,
now one lost he.
9 lives had the cat,
the world could see.
One life gone away,
So let him be.

Many year books closed,
invincible thought she.
Many year books closed,
life intact: Incredible thought she.
This year book unend,
do let her grieve.

The 9th life missed the cat,
now lost is he.
The 9th life missed the cat,
how sad he be.
Unexpectedly taken from him,
how cruel this is.

9 lives had the cat,
now with the 8 all grieve.
9 lives had the cat,
does he mourn or rejoice?
9 lives now has the cat,
to guard jealously he must.

In memory of Didi Machu, November 2009.
....bazamu manta da sunanki da sorri...
。。。でも今、さよなら。。。

Fireflies

2009-11-14T00:21:00.000-06:00

Glowing around mi,
Illuminate my night,
Closer stars, tochable to mi.
Formidable fire,
Yet gentle to the touch,
Pretty like the burning flames,
Its sights sucks you in like the fires of Hades.
Attractive and tempting as sin,
Yet without the sting.
Bright and yellow, with the same glow,
But still without the sting.

But it falls slowly to the ground,
Slowly, still with grace.
Upon my palm it landed,
Pretty little fire was it.
Burn for mi one last time,
I watch its blaze slowly die out,
And as it goes, I turn my palm to let it fall.

I watch it for another second,
But the blaze above now yonder,
It calls mi.
Glowing, burning, seductive like the fires of sin.
What is in the blaze?
Ah I see....
Fireflies.
Glowing around mi....

I sit here and wonder....

2009-11-13T22:47:00.001-06:00

I sit and wonder sometimes what happened to the good old days when countries went to war and soldiers were led by their leaders, i.e. Kings and Queens? When people went to war for reasons other than 'I think they would attack me'?
Now the soldiers march off to war and the leaders stay home to 'monitor and give instructions'. Ah gone are the good old days where the Kings and Queens were the country not only in name but in body as well, and they fought for those countries. They shed their own blood with that of their people, and when they won, they could proudly say 'I bleed for my country'. Now they get chatted off to some secret safe island, and they proudly say 'We weep with the families of those who bleed'.
Ha!
And no, I don't mean that the military should take over, for even that makes no difference. The name for the 'King or Queen' is simply changed. He/She is still taken to safety.
Whats my point?
I believe when the actual leaders are really in the battle, then it would not be so easy to make the decision to go to war. It would not be so easy to say 'send more troops in'. It would not be so easy to say 'I'm sorry he is gone, but he made his country proud'.

I sit here and wonder, when did War become a game of chess, with the Kings or Queens playing with human targets and even having a stand in sometimes for 'checkmate'? Only thing worse than a game of chess with humans is a game of never-ending chess with humans. The goal is to out-number the opponent into surrendering. So basically the country with the most population wins in the end cause the King-Queen can and will keep sending more pawns and pieces into the game, until there are no more left.
This is a war, they say.... casualties are expected.
Ah but pls, tell mi all this when the call to 'Charge' is made by the person leading the 'Charge'....

I sit here and wonder....

Sing to mi a song....

2009-11-13T05:20:00.002-06:00

Write mi a letter saying how much you adore mi,
Play mi a song with lyrics that would move my tears.

Take pictures of mi when I don't know and send them to cheer mi,
Draw my face as you see mi and make mi smile always.

Put a rose on the pillow every morning for mi,
Pick mi flowers for the hell of it and pray I smile.

Take my mind off the world and all the cruelty of it,
Step into my fantasies and make them a reality.

Kiss mi gently with whispering words from your lips,
Kiss mi passionately like the world's end is in sight.

Pray with mi when I pray like you are praying for you,
Pray for mi when am away like I do you.

Remember my stars and make wishes as they fall with mi,
Bring mi the stars and make all my nights the starry night.

Grant mi these wishes, as I hope to grant yours too,
Do for mi these things, more than Romeo did for his Juliet.

Write mi a letter saying how much you adore mi,
Write mi a letter just to say 'hello' to mi....

This is art: The world would know

2009-11-08T03:33:00.000-06:00

Art is the voice of the soul.
The only way the world can hear it. When the soul weeps, the world hears it in the art. When the soul is joyful, the world hears it in the art. And when the soul is lonely, the world hears it in the art. Its funny how hard the artist tries to fake a forever joyful emotion, but once the art is displayed, the world can tell. The words, the colors, the sound, the notes, the shape, scene....the world can tell.

The world would know.
Art cant hide the pain, art cant hide the joy. Art cant play 'fake', art cant be 'fake', the world would know. The artist has his emotions out on sale and the world buys it. Sometimes cheap, sometimes at a price, but it always buys it. The artist loves the art, the artist hates the art. The world might kill the art, the world might give it life. Whatever the world chooses, a piece of the artist is taken. A pound of flesh for each piece...
This is the art: The world would know...

She who is not She.

2009-11-03T19:35:00.000-06:00

There is a tale they have of she,
A story they formed about her life.
She remembers not how it came to be,
But one day she awoke, and that was she.

They think she is this girl,
They think she has this sum,
They think her intelligence is beyond measure.
She remembers not how it came to be,
But one day she awoke, and that was she.

She is a normal girl,
From a normal childhood,
Whose father is an ordinary-extraordinary man,
Who works so hard to provide all for them,
And who she thinks is under-appreciated.

There is a tale they have of her,
One that stems from the previous tale.
It is longer now, and she knows.
She awakes at dawn with the smile they know,
Puts on her garb and is the She they know.
For changing the tale requires a new creation,
One she fears she has not the strength to begin.

This is to You

2009-11-01T02:29:00.000-06:00

To the fragrance of my soul,
The one I do adore.
To the only moonlight flower that lives on at dawn.
Just for mi.
Lives on at dawn,
Just for mi.

To the beauty in my heart,
The one I smile for.
The one I cry for.
The one I live for.
The one I'll die for.

To the epiphany in my mind.
The one I think of,
The one who thinks more of mi.
The one who knows mi in joy,
The one who knew mi in pain.
To the one who sits upon the throne.
To the one who is King alone.
This is to You.

...Their tears...

2009-10-21T01:20:00.000-05:00

Rain drops.
Slow but steady, coming with a mission.
Slowly picking up pace, mission in sight.
They say those are the tears of God,
Then he must cry a lot,
More than I do I guess.

Rain drops,
melodious weeping,
You long to aid the weeper,
But don't, for the melody would seize.
So you stare out lost in the sound,
Mesmerized by the drops,
And trapped in the guilt of prayers for more.

Rain drops,
Do I trade in my sorrows for more of the melody?
Do I pretend I want to take the pain and make it stop?

The sun would shine again,
No doubt.
The tears would end sometime,
No doubt.
But for these few minutes,
For this time soon to become a memory,
Let mi enjoy this guilty-pleasure.

Rain drops,
The salt-less tears fall to earth,
Crystal clear, each unique note,
And when they hit the ground,
Just before the death of that unique pain the weeper feels,
A sound so wondrous,
A sound so unique,
A sound like no other,
My ears perceive.

The dreeded occurs...

2009-10-05T03:07:00.000-05:00

My heart is in so much pain right now, its not even a joke. I never knew I could get this sad or that it would hurt so much. I mean granted, no one expected him to stay single for life, that's a given, but it still hurts.
I find myself turn between knowing I should be happy for them, and trying so hard not to sin with my thoughts towards her...lol
Maybe it doesnt hurt as bad as I know it would because he is yet to confirm it.
But then again, maybe it hurts so much because he is yet to deny it as well.
I wish I could say they are staring in something together like the last one, and everyone jumped to conclusions but then that's not the case. And no, it doesnt help that she is gorgeous. I mean that was to be expected...
I guess in the end I, we all, have to accept that he is but only human. And just like the rest of the world feels and falls...So has he...

But then again, there is the pressing issue of Jonny's or rather Yamashita's contract with Jonny on the issue of girlfriends...I thought Jonnys werent allowed to date, or at least not in public, no? Is he gonna get in trouble?

In case you were wondering, I am referring to the fact that Yamapi is supposedly dating Kagami Seira...the 22 year old Canadian/Japanese model...enough said...

Temptress of the Night...

2009-09-21T03:32:00.000-05:00

Red dress,
Red nails,
Red heels,
Red rose.

Two steps in,
She stops.
She smiles.
The way their heads turn,
Its almost like the music changed.

Up at the bar,
She already has a drink.
Paid, served, screaming orgasm.
Don't ask who its from,
She doesn't care.

One sip,
Two,
Now shes ready to go.
The faster she moves,
The higher the dress sways.
The higher it sways,
The crazier he gets.
Don't ask who,
She doesn't know.

Lights go low,
Bodies get hot,
Lips graze, tease,
Fantasies enhance.
Dreams get formed,
She is creator.

Music stops.
She smiles,
She turns,
She walks.
He never saw it coming.

Bitch? No.
Imogen? Maybe.
The game is dirty dancing,
And she the queen, is the Seductress...

This is not she

2009-09-05T13:40:00.001-05:00

I watch and I stare and I want to puke and I want to cry and I want to laugh and I want to scream.
But all I do is laugh,
All I do is almost cry,
All I do is scream inside,
All I do is hate her.

I see them they see mi they watch in wonder they think she is crazy they think she is mi.
I want to scream,
I want to say no,
I want to yell stop,
All I do is let her be.

She looks she smiles she waves she blows a kiss she turns the clock strikes twelve she is mi.
I dread the turn,
I dread the handover,
Its too late to stop her now,
All I do is wait.

Shes crazy they can tell she is crazy they can tell she would do it all they can tell she is gone.
I can tell she is sane,
I can tell she knows,
I can tell she thinks,
I can tell...
cause...
she is mi.

Is it wrong of mi?

2009-09-05T13:40:00.000-05:00

Is it wrong for mi to want something else for her?
Is it wrong for mi to be tired and want it all to end? 
She hates her at all times, 
But more so when she is 'her'. 
Is it wrong for mi to say 'no more room' and have her evicted?

Watching her do the things she does,
Watching her be the thing she is, 
The knife suddenly seems so close, 
Suddenly, I can deal with the cutting and the blood.
Its not so bad if that is the alternative.  

Then watching her crawl up into a ball and kiss death like she did the last time, 
Watching her try so hard to cry but cant get the tears out, 
Watching her recall it all and get defeated over again, 
Knowing some sick version of loyalty and self-challenge is gonna push her out again, 
Knowing the cycle is gonna repeat itself again.  

Is it wrong for mi to fake believing her when she says she will let her go? 
Is it wrong for mi to stay upset and sad because I cant trust her about that? 
Is it wrong that I cant trust her about that? 
Is it wrong that I cant tell her anything now that she is hurting? 
Do I sympathize and not mean it? 
Do I reprimand and kill her more? 
Is it wrong of mi to think about all this with the knife so close, ready to hand over?    

Being Random again...

2009-09-03T03:24:00.000-05:00

So I just saw some parts of this movie right, and I really don't know what it is called btw, which made mi take offense on behalf of the entire Vampire community. I think the vampire in this movie was really weak.

Ok brief summary.

I did not start from the beginning, but I think the basic story line (which from the looks of things was nowhere near Rocket science) was about this vampire who kept loosing the girl he loved because she was human and somehow died before he could turn her. Well the girl kept reincarnating (poor guy) and this time he found her and tried as always to take her with him. Problem was she had a boyfriend, and they were the portrayal of 'True Love'. Well to cut the long story short, in the end, the girl choose the human and the Vampire, due to his undying 'love' for her, let her go, again, and became soulless...possibly waiting for her to get reincarnated again...I don't know...

Well screw that.

To begin with, it is a well known fact that nothing, besides obliteration, can stand between a Vampire and his bride. Not to mention his constantly life-time run away bride. I mean, what Vampire do you know who chose to spend eternity alone, knowing fully well that his girl is lingering around with someone else...

And worse still, the Vampire was all talk and no action (well except when he killed the blonde bitch, she deserved it - though I did not care for his very unvampiry, bashing her head against the wall, method of killing her). Even at the end when the girl came to him and he was about to turn her when human boyfriend showed up (which by the way confused me cause I thought he already began when her human boy-friend got there, but apparently I was wrong. So what the hell was he waiting for then???), instead of killing the boy or hurting him or something, again I use the word, vampiry, he sent hims some electric current (blue, yes, it was blue) through his arm and shocked the boy, duh, into unconsciousness...

Electric current? Come on now, seriously?

I mean I have watched some prety lame shit (just ask IFC, they are the rulers in that department), but this was just plain insulting...

Don't ask mi why I am offended on behalf of Vampires, or why I am mad the human got the girl in the end...lol. In case you haven't noticed, it is 3:35am in the morning...not that that matters though...lol...

Sigh

2009-08-31T03:17:00.000-05:00

Ok I think there is something wrong with her right now! She permanently wants to cry, and when thats not happening, she feels the need to spill her guts and life history to everyone and anyone around her at that time (poor them, screw mi) and then I have to listen to the 'why the hell did I just say/do that' speech that follows...like oh barely 10 seconds later!
What. The. Fuck???

Its sad watching her sad though. I think what happened is someone tried to open that box, maybe she did, and then realized too late that it was a bad idea. Sure the box is sealed closed now, but the thought of the pain in there alone is what is eating at her. And I think and shudder at that thought. If the mere thought of what is inside the box makes her so, then what would happen when the day finally comes and the box must be opened? I have more bets on a funeral than on a redemption here...

But can you blame her? I know even I cant give you a straight answer to that. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. But one thing is for sure though, until the air is cleared again, there is no way to help her. There is nothing to say that would make the pain go away. Only way to go is forward with words. So until the air clears, standing still is the only thing I can do. So I have to sit here and watch her bleed herself internally, and pray and hope she doesn't say so much shit that I have to make her bleed on the outside as well.

Now if only I could tell what started this, it would be easier to say 'it won't happen again.' But we both know that's all bull. And we both know that's what makes me sad the most.

Love/hate

2009-08-30T06:06:00.000-05:00

I want to cry so hard right now,
but the tears won't fall.
I want to laugh so hard right now,
but the emotions wont blend.
Is it so bad that I hate and love them at the same time?
Is it so bad that they do not know that I feel this way?

I know whatever I do, it would always be them then mi.
I know no matter how hard I try to get gone,
I would never be able to forget that fact.
Is it so bad that I wish to be them for a second at least?
Is it so bad that I don't like them much when they don't like themselves?

I step out and watch it try to move,
And that has been, till date, the one thing that has made mi want to puke.
It is hard for mi to get nauseous, so when I do, it is serious.
i do for it, so I think it is serious.
We pretty fucked up aint we?

I made a promise to mi,
But then when you do that, it is kinda hard to tell fake from reality.
Of course not with mi,
I mean we have established that fact right?

I got shit for last night,
Probably gonna get some more for tonight.
But right now I don't care,
Life seems short and I think a buzz makes it better still.

Its sad that I have fallen into the habit of making boys my 'brother material',
Even sadder that I don't know how to undo that.
But I think later on I would see the silver lining in all of this,
But for now, sad is all I can be.

My ex wrote a poem about 'love being dead'.
It seemed he only realized that now, poor thing.
I wanted to ask him where he had been all this while,
When Love took the high road and never looked back.

But then I keep thinking, 'did I do that to him?'
But that would be too ambitious of mi right?
So I pray and hope some other girls did that,
So I don't add to my list of 'Hate mi' reasons.

Now I am off to bed for the day,
With no boy at hand or in mind, I am fine this way.
Some think I am too scared to admit liking some guys,
Others claim I am in denial.

I think a little bit of both and more would do.
I might want a guy,
But previous expirience makes it hard for mi to believe he wants mi too,
And even harder to believe he wants mi first...

But like I said, I am pretty fucked up tonight.
Had too much to drink and much more to say that I think I would regret in the morning.
But now that I am sobering up and I look back,
I think I had fun.

Sure I said some shit I would rather have kept with mi,
Sure I did somethings I would not have done as just mi,
But all in all, I think I was good.
And I think, no matter what others would say, tonight was a good night.

I do hate them both a lot,
I do not enjoy the nights after I go out with them,
But the times I do,
I try not to think about it too much, and in the end, the night is always a good night...

Disturbed

2009-08-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

Voices in her head,
louder,
louder.
'Fake' he says,
She knows it already.
A fraud.
No reason to have a constant national anthem of that playing.
She is fake.
It disgusts her.

Scared.
Terrified of her real self.
Who wouldn't be?
She sits there.
She can see her.
Sitting,
Watching.
A blur really.
But those piercing eyes are clearer than anything.

Hate.
Envy.
For them she feels.
They are free.
No voices,
No guilt.
They are real.
Can't kill them.
Can't join them.
He laughs always cause he knows she would never reach them.

Voices.
Louder.
Not Night as she thought.
Night doesn't hate her so.
Faceless.
He is back.
Brutally honest.
Her mirror.
He would bleed the truth out of her not to help her, but for his pleasure.

Heartless.
Soulless.
Maybe he hates her.
Maybe she hates him.
Yes she hates him.
Yes he hates her.
She tells him always.
He smiles back always.
But he would never voice it out no matter the cause.

Cut.
Remove.
Pull out.
He won't leave.
No matter how many parts she cuts.
He won't leave.
He said three major ones.
First two too painful.
Could not continue.
Too long ago.
And now she's said too much and so people would notice.

Tears.
She won't shed.
He would win.
He can't win.
Suicide.
She won't die.
Cause he would take the credit.
He would win
He can't win.
So she must endure it till she finds another saving grace.

Voices.
Help.
Don't.
Fake.
Fraud.
She disgusts herself.
So she hates her too.
He knows.
So he stays.
He stays.
She he torments.
He torments.
Voices...she yells but no one hears...caged with him forever her heart bleeds...

What if...

2009-07-06T10:45:00.000-05:00

He keeps his heart in a cage. Locked up, safe, secure. He loves not, hates not, trusts not, believes not. He is neither happy nor is he sad, neither joyful nor sorrowful.
But she manages to get into the cage, and after much care and tenderness, frees the heart and lets it fly. Now he loves, he hates. he trusts, he believes. But most of all, he feels pain...
"A heart once held, can no longer live alone"
He falls for her, and she for him. And as all sad tales go, the end up sleeping together. Then he finds out she is his younger sister.
The one person he trusts, loves and lives for...

What happens now?

Lets talk divorce - Do they qualify? There was no 'unfaithfulness' so it would be called a sin for them to divorce right?
Lets talk incest - Can they really be accused of that? They had no idea until afterward that they were of the same blood.
Lets talk kids - Well oh damn, what is another tragic addition to the mix gonna hurt? Ho do you say 'oh mum and dad are siblings, same way you guys are'?

Now his heart, now a flight, suddenly has its wings clipped. It falls, in no gentle way, and is crushed by the overwhelming feeling of pain that it had been skillfully protected from. Worse still, the cage is no more.
"A heart once held can no longer live alone"
He cannot go back to that cage because once it opened and was emptied, it disappeared. Each cage can only be used once see. Another has to be built and that takes time...at least to get one strong enough to counter or match the previous one.
Originally, in the place of the cage, she stood.
But she cannot help. As strong as she is, she is still but only 'human'. She too would be damaged by the news. She too would hurt from it. And she too, sadly, might have her wings clipped off...

So I ask you the same question they asked Mi, what happens now?

Spoiler: A Million Stars Falling from the sky...

2009-07-06T01:16:00.000-05:00

Oh for fuck's sake, can all movies/series/anime/manga sites be made to have a category called 'tragedy', so I don't have to waste my life watching something that would end with a Romeo and Juliet theme or one left in the world????
My friends say I get too involved in my movies and all that...the problem is my life is already a fantasy and I like to keep it that way. So anything that is 'happily-ever-after' oriented is welcomed in. I have made it a personal decision to stay away from anything that brings reality too close. That is why tragedies, which are based on the sad aspects of life, are a no go.
Why the rant?
I just watched a Japanese series called "A million stars falling from the sky". Imagine my almost heart attack when I found out, by accident, during a search for a part of episode 8, that it was a tragic ending that awaited me!?!?!
I mean from the way it was going originally, I figured it would be a "Death Note" deal you know? The bad guy gets caught in the end, bla, bla, bla...but seriously, what the fuck was up with that ending!?! By the end of episode 7, I had the entire story figured out and I was like "Fuck my life..." I have a problem see, when I start something, I have to finish it. If I don't finish it, I get uncomfortable, get a migraine, get itchy...almost like an allergic reaction. So yeah, I have to finish it. In summary, I watched the story knowing fully well what would happen at the end.
But it wasn't all bad though. Oh no...at least it was the best solution among all the many dandy choices tragedy gives. Yes, yes...they both died. If that girl, who decided to stop thinking as soon as she finally got the boy, had not shot herself after killing the reason I was watching that series to begin with, then I would not have forgiven her!
If it isn't clear, yes I do blame her for what happened...at least most of it. (Of course if that baka of a Kan-chan had told us from the beginning she was that man's kid, life would have been easier). But back to the girl.
You cannot coax a caged heart into trusting you and coming out, just to let it fly beside you solo! She said it herself, he had forgotten how to fly, so why, oh why would she expect him to be able to fly on his own just cause his heart was out of the cage???
I know this cause...
I mean all she had to do was ask ne? Talk to him like she used to... and what happened to all that bs about believing in him, protecting his heart, and etc....in the end, as soon as she heard from that busy body of an おばばあちゃん, Kotoko-chan that, of course all this info was hear-say from yours trully's imagination, that her brother - fake - had killed her lover - real brother-'s father, she flipped and decided the one she wanted to protect in the end was not the one she claimed originally!
And why the hell did she pull the trigger!?!? He was fucking shedding tears for crying out loud! Stop and think...when has Ryo EVER cried before!?!?! She had literary never seen this boy cry! Yet when she was before him, crying out accusations and making declarations about protecting her 'brother', and he began to cry, she who for 10 episodes had been the master at reading his true thoughts and getting what he really wanted to say, suddenly went dumb and did not understand what now became too clear it was almost stupid!!!
Oh but of course our little princess could not have done it all alone. Oh now. Ryo, that bastard who could not decide if he wanted to be good or bad, just had to become human, and the worst kind, at the end. Self-sacrifice for crying out loud! How could he decide that that was the best option!?!? I really don't know which of the idiot siblings pissed me off the most!
Really, as the saying goes, the truth shall set you free...
It's been a while since I have had such an intrusion and been this pissed! I have now succeeded in giving myself a migraine as well...
も　いい　です!　おやすみ！

Insane Child 101...

2009-06-29T17:17:00.000-05:00

So I think I am driving myself slowly yet surely, closer and closer to insanity. One of the many ways I am trying to accomplish this, is the fact that now I am worried and terrified about my dream - which is what it is as of now - to go to graduate school in Japan and study IR. Of course the fact that I do want to go there in the first place, to some, is a sign of insanity already, so there is that. But since I long stopped giving a flying ass about what people think, that is not a tag on my insanity spill...lol...

I got a book about going to graduate school, but half way through, It felt weird reading it. Plus I still have no idea what 'research' plan I want to do when I get in. Of course lets not forget that my legendary dream school would be none other than the International University of Japan, which so happens to be on the top 50...yup...in the world! So technically, yours truly is aiming for an ivy-leagueish school...

Did I forget that my dearest papa knows nothing of all these plans? As far as he is concerned, his 。。。, *cough* I mean daughter, is going into the School of business probably (though she is under the illusion that she wants criminology), in the United States...Ivy-league too. Well at least we both are on point on the Ivy-leagueness of the school. lol

Then there is the fact that I cant stop thinking. Like for a second, I just cant. Something always pops up. It seems like my 'to-do-list' keeps getting longer and longer, and the more I try to get the things done, the more the pages turn...like "oh don't relax yet, there are a few more things left"...and no, it is definitely not the regular 'to do list' that humans have...no, no...mine is special...lol.

And then there is 'he who must not be named', who, for reasons I cannot fathom, can't shut up long enough for me to even think straight, and won't leave...well more like cannot leave, so I am stuck with him for God-knows how long! I cannot decide which is worse, the constant yapping, or the permanently "I know you are gonna have a near break down soon" look on his face...

Maybe I should...I don't know...I really don't know...right now though, I have to go study. Sure I aced the last test without a lot of review, but I am pretty sure, from experience, miracles happen once in a while...

Bleeding

2009-06-24T10:04:00.000-05:00

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out for mi.
Let me see the crimson color of sin,
that lies beneath your smooth skin.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out your heart.
Let me bask in the sorrows it encompasses,
and watch you struggle to weep with a soundless voice.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out your soul.
Let me see the scars that appear each time they speak,
and watch them form a gaping hole as they spread.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out for mi.
Let it all out from the slit.
For then alone, at the sight of red, would I recall that you are human.

Both sides of the coin

2009-06-24T09:46:00.000-05:00

I adore your smile.
The way it starts, spreads, lights up and brightens the world.
I abhor your smile.
The way you let it out, hide your feelings and lie to the world.

I adore your laughter.
It's gentle sound, characteristically unique, in a cute way.
I abhor your laughter,
It's icy state, cold and uncaring, a response to all things.

I adore your voice.
Smooth and silky, seductive when you want it to be.
I abhor your voice.
Easy and always, destructive all but when you are in a fantasy.

I adore your fingers.
Gorgeous and delicate, a beauty to behold.
I abhor your fingers.
Cutting and touching, easily doing damage to your soul; uncaring.

I adore your eyes,
Sensuous and seductive, they can bring a player to the point of game over.
I abhor your eyes.
Devilish deceiver, Oh if only looks could kill.

I adore your life.
Pampered and un-lacking. Being broke was never in your DNA.
I abhor your life.
Leashed and chained. Your comfort comes at the price of freedom.

I defy the laws quite bravely,
Because in you, i get both sides of the coin.

Aimless

2009-06-22T10:21:00.001-05:00

Is it even possible for a normal person to be bored though they are supposedly very busy with a lot of shit to do?
Well I guess there is no big shocker there...the fact that I find time to be permanently bored and sick of life, and in need of something to do when I have classes, homework, movies and all the etcetera humans tend to call 'activities', just goes further to show that I am too complicated for even 'life' itself to figure out.
lol
My friend asked me last week what my 'aim' was... for the summer at least, not in life.
I swear to you that I was silent for exactly sixty seconds.
Blank.
Blank..
Blank...
I had no response to that.
I flashed back and realized shockingly that a few months ago, unknowingly to me, I became a robot. My life was programmed by many forces, and 'mi' was put on the shelf. Like I took a vacation or something, forced one at that, and my life has been on auto-pilot since then. Worse still, I have no freaking clue how to turn that off.
Plus even if I find the switch, when I turn it off, I am inevitably going to be faced with the question "now what?" And since I am yet clueless, my life would come to an alarming halt.
In case you can't tell from my tone of alarm above, that is some freaking scary shit!!
WTF is going on with mi?
Oh but my sudden blank state is not even the very scary part...oh no. As sick and twisted as I have become, that would just be too easy.
No, no.
The scariest part is that I am neither content, comfortable nor scared of this current state. I don't even give a shit...I feel...NOTHING!
zilch, nada, betsuni....no fucking thing (PMF)...
Oh of course except the boredom...that one I can't get rid of...
So what do you do when you find out that your life, for a while now, has had no aim????
I guess it would be a lie to say I feel nothing...but saying I feel amused by the situation simply goes further to confirm how fucked up in the head I have become...(PMF).
So for fear of becoming psycho, I earnestly seek an aim...at least for this summer...

Blank Roses

2009-06-22T09:38:00.000-05:00

You wait eagerly for dawn,
and as soon as the day breaks,
you await the night fall with even more longing.

You are like that silly teenage girl, who just had her first crush.
You stand impatiently waiting for him to pass by,
on his way to life of course.
And once he passes by, you instantly await his return,
moving by you, once more, on his way again.

So in that second between night and day,
In the time when the world is neither here nor there,
Neither light nor dark,
I choose to tell you this,
as your attention is waver-able.

Waiting, longing, wishing, hoping...wanting...
Doesn't it bother you that you continue this pattern knowing not what you die slowly for?
Does it not make you sad to follow through with this daily?
It sickens me to have to watch you so.
Like a junkie, you chase after the next high.
Well aware of the implications after the buzz is gone.
Aimless, you wonder the earth, simply doing things because one told you to.

In case you were not aware,
I do loathe you.
I loathe the way you have perfected your fake smiles for the world;
While inside, behind closed doors, I am forced to watch you wither in the abject misery you have dumped yourself and cannot escape.

I do loather you.
I loathe the fact that you neither laugh nor cry.
You simply sit, and in sitting, wait.
With each day and each night that pass,
you simply watch.
Then at it's dawn,
You pause...
Wait...
And then gently sigh.
As if to say 'Ah, not here yet? Well maybe at the next turn."
What the hell is it you wait, pathetically, for?
I cannot even ask you this, because you yourself are at a loss.

Yet as much as I seem to despise you,
I cannot leave you.
It is not merely because we are bound to each other.
Maybe because I do need you?
I fear that abandoning you would kill you,
and that it is a fate I too would not survive.
Our hearts only beat as one...when it does beat...
I want you all to myself, yet near you,
I want you far from me.

So I guess we are alike in our indecisiveness.
Just yours puts us in a blank dark world.
Unable to move forward or backwards, we remain lost.
Watching life and waiting for...I guess...a part of life.
This state I clearly despise...and I feel deep down, do you too.

I adore and abhor you,
You adore and abhor Mi.
But this knowledge does make us the safest for each other, does it not?
You for Mi,
Mi for you.
Thy peace art mine,
As mine art thine...or the lack of it there of.

Her Own World

2009-06-18T09:42:00.000-05:00

The world she created, the world she was forced into.
The world she dreads, the world; her safe haven.
the world she adores, the world she abhors.
The world she constantly wants to flee from, the world she never wants to leave.
The world she was free from, the world she was chained to.
The world she watched, the world she stared in.
The world she longed for, the world she had.

This was it.

This was her tragedy, this was her beloved.
This was her blessing, this was her curse.
This was her creation, this was her destruction.
Of what world do I speak,
if not of her own world?

MI

...Still heart...

2009-05-15T01:06:00.000-05:00

In fear she smiles,
In pain she laughs.
When tears are shed,
she sheds some too;
But hers are strangely of joy....not the emotion,
Just the laughter that embodies it.

In their pain,
She is at a loss.
She cant seem to come up with a way to console,
Because while they cry tears, possibly bleeding from the heart,
She is in awe of their emotions.

She listens and gazes in wonder,
Almost happy and giddy, fighting back the constant urge to laugh,
Which seems more of the beast than a beauty at times...
Waltzing before her, seeming to taunt her as it moves.

How is it that they can cry so freely and release their pain,
Yet she remains trapped as she is,
Doomed to not feel, and when she does seem to feel,
To only laugh? For when she tries hard to free her emotions,
She is sent back to the day they died.
As though cursed with only two choices:
To stay as she is, or return to when she stopped.

The pain is unbearable,
Like a knife twisting through her heart,
Seeming unable to decide if it should kill her or let her live.
Yet to feel again she must start from there,
Like time there froze, awaiting her return.

But the worst times are when they shed those tears,
And when she cares for them as best as she is capable,
But is unable to render any form of comfort to them in those times.
For weird and sad as it seems, her first instinct is to laugh when they cry!
And no, this is not in spite or in jest, for in her own way, she feels their pain.
But that is the only emotional symbol that remained unchained
So though she laughs, it does not mean she is happy,
For by no means is that so!

One asked if there was one thing she couldn't do,
That seemed to fascinate her.
For how do you answer that for all the many wonders I can perform,
I simply cannot be happy?
How do you answer that for all the many wonders I can perform,
The act of feeling is but a mystery to me?

In fear she smiles,
In pain she laughs,
Is there no other way to free her from this blissful-doom,
Than the other alternative which seems so intent on killing her with each try?

...Summer tears...

2009-05-14T00:52:00.001-05:00

He wrote this for me, and I feel now I should let you see,
Just as he left it, so shall I let it be:

WHERE HEARTS HAVE CROSSED

A STAR HAS FALLEN

TO GIVE RISE TO A NEW SEASON

WHERE LIPS HAVE TOUCHED

A SPARK IS ARISEN

WITH EVERY DOUBT CASCADING

WHERE LOVE IS LOST

A FLAME FLICKERS OUT

IN HOPE OF ANOTHER TOMORROW

WHERE BLISS IS ATTAINED

A NEW LIFE AWAITS

WHERE TWO MAKE A VOW

WHERE FOR WORSE,POORE, OR IN SICKNESS

"TILL DEATH..." KEEPS THE PROMISE................

Did I cry? Aye, but not nearly enough...just the amount my frozen heart would let me squeeze out...
Do I mis him? Aye, not nearly over the shock...more than my frozen heart is meant to feel....

And no I dare say, we were neither lovers, nor potentially so....
Simply two people whose time clocks ticked together for a while in times past, until one ran out and the other was left yet alone again...

...Bitter-sweet Sacrifice...

2009-04-17T22:12:00.000-05:00

My, my,
This is what I see,
My, my,
we are meant to be.
My, my,
But I'm most peculiarly,
Almost not interested in you.

My, my,
Is this real and true,
My, my,
do your dreams hunt you?
My, my,
I'm afraid to sleep,
For nightmares are all I see.

My, my,
You believe in fate?
My, my,
Is my destiny set?
My, my,
Shall I hover still,
or call it a day with a knife at my wrist.

My, my,
Its a wedding day.
My, my,
I seem to be the star.
My, my,
Shall I first say I do?
Then put the bullet through before you.

My, my,
Its a mystery still,
My, my,
Why I detest you so,
My, my,
Shall i tell the tale,
Or let you imagine what you feel.

My, my,
I do believe you're fake,
My, my,
But in my father's eyes,
My, my,
You are all there is,
And there seems should be.

My, my,
So I guess guess its time.
My, my,
For a reason I don't know why,
My, my,
That sound just wont stop,
Until I opened my eyes...

My, my,
Its your dream come true,
My, my,
I guess I lost to you.
My my,
But when I watched the blood flow,
I imagined your face when you return....

My, my,
Your dream came true,
My nightmares were real,
...And to end that, I had to kill both...

Romeo + Juliet

2009-04-02T18:44:00.000-05:00

Would you still, knowingly, leave me,
after you know I have waited for so long?
Would you still, with a smile, leave me,
after you know how I fared the last time you were gone?

And so it came to pass,
that you walked, and I broke.
I chased after you through that field of flowers,
To me a maze, to you a memorable path.

Did you ever look back?
I think you heard me calling,
For even the birds paused to listen to my voice.
Or did you really go deaf?

Deaf to my heart's beat and the sound of my pain,
Deaf to the music of my tears and the wishes at my lips,
Deaf to the whispers in my hands, and the pleas in my knees.
But then you stopped.

I froze, afraid to take a breath least I send you aflight.
I froze, praying you finally cared more and I was done crying.
I realized. Then I ran. But it was too late.
You only paused to think, never for my sake.

The blood spread around, slowly, like it had a destination in mind,
You stared up at me then smiled, then shut your eyes to the world.
Ironic it is, isn't it, that I got my wish at the very end?
Yet I wish now that you had stared someplace else, at the sky maybe.

So you still left even after my pleas,
So like you to leave in style, making a master piece with beauty, pain and sin.
And that smile at last, you knew didn't you?
That this time I would smile and not cry for you.

I stare down the maze in my white dress,
I know you heard me, for even the annoying preacher's voice carries from a mile away,
Speaking of life, こい, heaven and hell.
I told them you fell and your wish was to dwell amongst the flowers.

Some people think I killed you, in my deranged yet psycho state.
So they try to stare me down, which would have worked in times past.
But we both know the truth you and I, sick and sweetly as it is,
It was for a dramatic reason you chose these fields,
though I wonder if you got you desired answer in the end.

So like you to draw your own conclusions, that I would be better off,
So like you to believe I would remember you for life,
So like you to be right always.
I am better off as my heart's still and my smile fixed.
I am better off as I remember you in semi-hatred, as the cause of my dead-yet-alive state.

As I set myself aflight, I wonder how it would be.
Would there be more flowers, smiles or a welcome party too?
But as I lay here still in the cold, as the darkness comes,
I understand that smile of yours at the end.
Alas my dear, It's just as anti-climatic down here, as it was watching you from up there.

I adored my Nigerian school because...

2009-03-03T02:53:00.000-06:00

1) I made friends in high school. Not girls that hang out together because the cool girl is amongst us...real friends.

2) I had no psycho girls who pushed me over the edge daily just because I was different. Sure people were mean, but there was always someone there to stand up for you or to say stop. No absolute queen...

3) I never had to conform or compromise just to be friends with someone. As it all comes out to be in the end, it is never worth it

4) The teachers had authority...yes I hated it, but it has to be much better than authorities being in the hands of crazy kids who so do not know anything beyond their immediate sense of hatred or anger.

5) I had no serial killers, professional junkies or unidentifiable wierdos among me.

6) I got a family. Different, random, annoying and stressful...but a family none the less... Like the marines, "we care for our own". We may curse at each other, but others outside dont survive cursing at one of us.

7) There wasn't that girl or guy who got picked on to the point of insanity, suicide, murder or anything of the sort. Sure there were people picked on, but someone always stops 'pickers' or someone makes sure he or she feels needed in some way. Even if it might be 'using' them, in a weird way, it is still a reason to keep on living, and it is not done so clearly with a "Using you" stamp.

8) You can't look back and truly say "I hated high school" totally!!

9) There was a corner at some part in the school I felt home...

10) The only other place I think I would want to have gone to high school might be Japan...and that might just be because I want the experience...

...Kurosagi...Kurosagi...

2009-02-22T02:19:00.000-06:00

*Spoiler alert: If you plan on watching the Japanese series Kurosagi, then don't read this...I truly did adore this series...just wanted to get it out there...
So in the end, Katsuragi was simply playing a game. Many people play games with life, but think of it only as a one round event, but with Katsuragi, I adore the fact that there was a reset button. When Kurosagi got caught, in every other persons game, that would have been game over. But Katsuragi got him out of jail (in less than 24hrs), got the main villain out of town and into hiding again, and then pushed the reset button. The game began again...
Lesson learned: life is a maze of games (already knew). A big arcade of some sort. But before you play, make sure there is a reset button so you don't burn out
...bang..
MI

So Sick

2009-02-20T02:01:00.000-06:00

I want to make this declaration...I think Yamashita Tomohisa is one of the most BEAUTIFUL (and why the hell is English so short of words when you need it not to be...) beings I have ever seen. And that is putting it mildly. I could sit and stare at his face for decades, and not find a single flaw... I mean I thought Matsumoto Jun was the height but dang.... Makes you wonder how he came to be you know? Like what do his parents look like? I mean too generations of beauties had to collide to produce him...*sigh.... I wish...

Now then...lol...

"Innocent Love"
Imagine this. You like a guy, who is in love with a girl (actually engaged to her), who is in love with another guy (her fiance's closest friend), who claims to have gone gay so she has to marry the other guy. So everyone stands in a row staring at the back of the person in front of them.
Now lets say the girl engaged has an accident and is a vegetable for three years, her fiance, being faithfully in love, prays and hopes above all things for her to recover. You, wanting the person you like to smile, also pray with him for her recovery. Of course you only just met a few months back, so your self sacrificial prayers haven't gone on that long. But in the end, one of those times, God answers.
She wakes up and is healed. But her brain has to redevelop, she she reverts to being a child, who only wants what she wants and nothing else.
Now the woman who tried to hide her love for her fiance's friend is no more, and in her place, a selfish child remains. She immediately goes over to the friends, says his name first, learns to walk so she can go to him, and refuses to go home with her fiance...
Tell me something, if you were the guy (fiance), what would you think? After three years of devotion and prayer, what do you pray to God for now? And you, who so earnestly wanted your crush's happiness, isn't this simply the height of cruelty? Not only have you self sacrificed, but you almost wasted your efforts...
...Oh but it gets worse...
Fiance (guy) finds out that fiance (girl) slept with the 'meant-to-be-gay' friend the night before her wedding, saying, and I quote " love me really for the last time". So how much love does he need to prevent him from driving a stake through her heart? Of course, all you can do is 'be there for him'...

...People claim to date several people at once so they get the positive aspects from each and create the perfect person. But you know, with each person comes a share of problems, and you end up having twice or thrice -or whatever the number of lovers you have - the amount of problems an average person has to take care of...

Random arent I?

...Bitter Sweet...

2009-02-11T03:26:00.000-06:00

When I saw her smile in that dress, time stopped.
For those few seconds I stood, and I watched her radiate like the sun, standing next to the one she said she adored.
When I saw her in that dress, all I could think of was 'beautiful'.
She did not look fine, or pretty or okay, she was beautiful.
When I saw her in that dress, I was moved close to tears.
It was not the fact that she wore white and thus seemed pure at her wedding, but that dress...was as they say, made for her.
When I saw her in that dress, I couldn't help but feel the bite of the green daemon.
I wished for a second, that I was her. I wished for a second that I was radiating as she seemed to be. I wished for a second, that my life was as perfect as hers was for that second. For a second, I seemed... jealous...
When I saw her as she turned, I smiled a true smile for the first time in a long time.
Her eyes sparkled as she turned to look at him. You could tell that she had all her hopes and dreams and wishes in that one person. That one man who was human.
When I saw her smile, I thought to myself, another one of them. For that second the world is perfect, but then down the line she realizes that day, that oh so perfect day, was a once in a life time event.
When I saw her smile twitch, I thought to myself, Alas, it was but for a moment. Alas it was not to remain the 'oh-so-perfect' smile that I thought it should be. Alas, it was not so perfect...the smile...as everyone said it was...Alas, she was going to take the high road this time...

But then I saw her smile again...order had been restored in her world...and I thought to myself...Oh what the hell, life is grand, life is bland...life changes on a whim, and all you can do is flow with it.
But on this day she chose to be perfect.
On this day she really was happy.
On this day she chose her emotion.
On this day, she made time stand still. On this day, she defied life, fate and all her games...knowing fully well that in the end, she would have to pay for the rest of her life.
But on this day, she chose to make a deal with fate, and damn the consequences.
So when I saw her smile once more as she said "I do" I had to laugh...yet another fool dances to the tune of fate...knowing fully well the way the game ends...
But we can't help but cheer them on, as if to say this time, this time you both would be that one in a million to play this game and win...
This time, you both would defy fate and miss the game over tune...

No tears

2009-02-10T04:45:00.000-06:00

They say to cry is a healthy act,
that's how she knows she is not healthy.
For in years past, she has not shed a tear in sadness,
Sure she might have shed a few at the end of a movie here or there,
But to cry for the pain she feels, or for a sad event, she has never.
And yes, in the years past, there have been but a few sad tales,
A few reasons to shed a tear,
But in the end she smiles,
In the end she laughs,
A laugh that sounds so real, it scares me at times.
In the end she turns to me and says,
I am fine...really,
So smile for me.
And I, knowing my smile was what she needed,
Would smile back.
Yet knowing she can't see the smile,
It turns sad...and in the end, we are back to where we started,
She sad but with no true tears...

The trully random me

2009-02-06T12:27:00.000-06:00

So my friend sent me this thing on Facebook about writing 25 random things about myself. Facebook is too broad and public so I never write anything that makes sense on there...lol...so I've decided to write ten truly random things you probably would not have guessed about me...

1. I want to...possibly would...find myself living in an apartment with a random guy (no strings attached) and a random kid (again no strings attached). Sort of a 'due to circumstances beyond our control' kinda deal, and they both have to be fine looking...decent. Of course this is against all wishes...

2. I plan on living in Japan for a period in my life, so I am taking a self study in the language. To me, I have two main homes. Nigeria, where I have lived for about 17+ years, and then Japan where I would live for about... those who object, now is the time to be heard...not that it may matter but...lol...

3. Sometimes I think of random things like how do inseparable Siamese twins date or even get married? God made the whole one man one wife rule right, so do they date two separate guys, and if they do, how does that work out...exp with sex and all...just curious...

4. Sometimes I get lost in my own world, talking to myself and reveling in the fantasies I have created in my head. Some people think it is a sign of mental illness, but I gotta tell ya, knowing me, I think I am much saner now than I was a few years back...scary huh? lol

5. I really hate adults who are idiots. They get wrapped up in their own stupidity, totally oblivious to the world around them. Then when they make an idiotic mistake as they are prone to, they rise up and make a declaration of something along the lines of 'because I said so', and expect you to jump at it just cause they are 'adults'.

6. I adore many in my life, but I cant seem to bring myself to be able to use the more popular synonym of the word. Its not that it just creeps me out, but it has a weird effect when I say it, and I just cant say it. Maybe its because I don't believe in the word (not the act in general), or something, but when others say it to me, I either go "You too", "I heart you" or simply smile ever so sweetly and pray to God they leave it at that.

7. I hate talking about myself. Now writing, as long as it ain't a 'Story of my Life' type of deal, I am fine with. I tend to address myself in the third person singular (not sure thats even right), as opposed to I. Meaning I call myself 'Mi' (cross for Yimi and Me. Not Yimi cause someone told me it was bad to address yourself in third person, and not Me cause...well just cause), and its easier talking about Mi like I am talking about some other random fellow.

8. I am Christian and I love the Lord. But then I have a sad tendency to stray so far sometimes, and yes no need to tell me, I know it is not good at all.

9.I am one of those girls who would not be in this world if men were not around, yet I cant stand dating. Odd huh? tell me about it.

10. I am a dangerous game, because I like taking stupid risks with people's minds, just cause. I am an easy complex...because you think you know me, yet you still can't figure me out.

I think these 10 things should do for now...so how do you like it? Find anything shocking???

XOXO
Mi

...Adores...

2009-02-02T02:27:00.000-06:00

Here are her words, as she told them so do I, as she felt them so I tell:

I adore the way his hair hides his eyes, shielding whatever emotions he feels inside.
I know he is not happy when that happens, because he doesn't smile and he lets the hair stay that way so I don't see his emotions in his eyes.
I know it is dangerous when he gets that way, but I can't help but adore it. Of course eventually he would raise his head and either yell, say something in a low voice that would stick, or just look at me and walk away. But for the period between his hair coming down and him reacting, time stands still. I feel trapped in some alternate universe, and I adore it there. I get too scared to breathe because I am scared if I do, I would loose that magnificent master piece. That work of art that he is, that being that I know was only made by a genius.

I adore the way he smiles. His face lights up like the Star at the top of the Christmas tree. When he smiles, all I want to do is protect that smile. I could move the world just to keep it that way, because one of those smiles makes me want to live at least another day.
I adore it when he turns as soon as I enter a room and finally smiles. He does'nt have to know I am on my way, but he knows when I walk in, and the smile seems to say "Now my fun can begin". It makes me feel special knowing that when I am not around, then there wont be that smile that I adore, there wont be that grin that makes him look like a kid when it appears, and then my knight as soon as it leaves.

I adore the way he holds me when I cry, gently running his hands through my hair. He wont say 'I told you so' even if he sang the warning like a canary bird's anthem. I adore the way he would whisper in my ears about something totally ridiculous and so off topic I have to think for a second to get what he says, just to get me to laugh. And I adore the look he would have in his eyes when I do laugh, as if saying "finally, my baby is back." He would fix the problem with me without complaining, and smile and make jokes with me when every one else tries to bitch about me making the mistake.
I know I would not do whatever it is again because I would get the hair to cover his eyes, and though I adore the way he looks then, I don't adore it when I caused the pain or anger I know I would see as soon as that alternate universe expires.

I adore the way he reacts when I am in trouble. I adore the way I know he would do everything to get me out of it, especially when it is someone putting me there. I adore the fact that I know I am safe in his arms, and he would...hurt whatever tries to hurt me. Sure he wont commit murder because we are Christians, but he wont sit back and not do anything...because we are Christians...
I adore the way he makes it clear that we belong to each other, and for someone who hates it when others touch his things, it is clear to imagine how he feels when someone touches Me...and no, I am not a thing...

But I don't want the smile alone, or the hair-face affair, or the arms...I want the guy as a whole. I want my Phantom, I want my Knight... I adore the idea of keeping him all to myself...because I know he is a priceless gem...because I know...I know because I am always watching him...I am watching him because I adore him...I adore him because...now if there was an answer to that, it would have long being game over...

Erroneous Games...

2009-01-28T05:18:00.000-06:00

There is something I did which I cant say out loud,
That which I did weighs my heart so heavily, I almost want to yell it out.
But each time I try to think it through in my head,
It sounds even crazier thinking about bringing it up.

There is something I did I cant say out loud,
And for the first time in history, I cant write it too.
Yet each time I see those close to me, I try to tell them what I did,
But then I know those words would not make the load any lighter. Just change it.

Ever done something you know would change the way people think of you drastically?
Ever done something you want to keep buried between you, the devil and God?
Ever done something for which you block out the details of, as life is a little easier?
Ever done something you do regret but then not for the right reasons, which makes you question your sanity?

There is something I did that I can't say out loud,
There is something I did that mirrors another act of its own,
There is something I did that I fear might be starting a trend!
And yet while I fear this, somewhere at the back of my mind, I think to myself...
"Oh what a tale it would be if I do tell it,
Oh what a look the would have if they do hear it,
Oh what a game it would be if I do play it...this time till the end..."

Funny thing

2009-01-28T05:12:00.000-06:00

So I could not watch the sun rise this morning because Carbondale has too many freaking street lights on at dark, (don't ask why I was up to watch the sun rise...too long a story to tell here), and it got me thinking about the fact that Nigeria and America have a lot of differences. Well I've been thinking about that a lot so whatever.
First off, there is the fact that while in Nigeria the host stands outside to watch the visitor drive off, you know as a sign of wishing them farewell, but here in the state, the guest watches the host walk back into his house. I mean they sit in the car while you walk back in before they drive off, to make sure you get in safe and don't get mugged on the way. That's pretty ironic to me cause back home, its the guy in the car who is in danger of getting mugged at night.
Then of course there is the reason I started this piece, the fact that agberos have stolen just about all the bulbs in the street lights in Nigeria you HAVE to see the sun rise when its dawn. I mean NEPA (well technically its PHCN but NEPA soundsa better) never turns on the electricity anyway, so we generally rely on the natural sources of light, being the sun and the moon. I think it is safe to say that there you damn well have to know when the night is over and the sun starts rising...because then you don't need ot keep your candles on anymore.
Americans have fun. It may be hiking, trick or treat at haloween, or just simply get on a bike and go racing, you know doing something fast. Nigerians sit and watch Americans have fun - in the form of TVs of course...lol
But all in all, with all the differences, I cant pick a side. So I choose earth as my home, and everything in it...all her ironies as well...