....Love(d)....

Why is love for you always in the past tense?? 

"I loved him then...."

"He loved me...."

"We loved each other...."

Why is love for you always unsure, hesitant?? 

"....probably...."

"....maybe...."

"....sort of...."

What are you afraid of?? 

"Nothing we say to each other is a lie. I just lie to myself about that fact."

Love....no 'd'....can you sit with that feeling?? 

....Stages Again....

I don't know if I am more hurt than angry.
I don't know if I am angrier than hurt.
I don't know if either of these two emotions accurately describes how I feel.
Is it anger I sense?? Is it shame?? Is it guilt?? Or is it just my pride leading mi to think that way??
The silence makes mi feel like I'm the problem. Makes mi feel unclean, unwelcome, an outsider.
A part of the disease, cancerous.... a sin.... the past.

I know people move on, I know people change.
I know letting go and cutting out, pruning, is a step necessary for change.
Have I been pruned??
Did I get categorised as weed and so therefore weeded out??
Is it easier, healthier for you to not have mi around??
How am I the one whose trust was broken, the one who gets tossed out??
Or was that last strike a test to see if I would deny you, and by default, not be an Achilles heel??

I don't know if I'm more hurt than angry.
I don't know if I'm angrier than hurt.
I do know I hate this not knowing.
I do know I hate this feeling.
I do know I hate this silence.
I do know I'm starting to hate....