Letter to You for Them

You say it’s not real. Factory made; 1st world generated to profit the pharmaceuticals. You say if you have Christ, you can’t get it. You ask what are you feeling that way for?? You ask why?? You ask what made you that way. You ask why can’t you shake it off?? 

Cancer is a disease with a tumor. With and without Christ, a tumor can grow. Who knows a reason for its existence? Most cancers are treated with chemotherapy. An exhausting, tiring and grueling experience. Tiring. At some point, some give up. Some say no more; they ask for rest and they get it. They are told well done. 

This tumor isn’t visible. This tumor eats at the mind instead. But it’s devastating nonetheless. The treatment is an exhausting, tiring and grueling experience.  But why is it not okay to want to rest?? Why is it not okay to be told you’ve done well?? 

“You can say well done; I know it’s hard, I know it’s tiring. You’ve done well, you’ve fought well. You’ve come this far, don’t give up now.” You could say that. That acknowledges the pain; that acknowledges the hurt. 

That says “I see you; I hear you; I’m with you; I support you; I love you; I’m praying for you.” You could say that and maybe, just maybe, it will bring the strength to fight another day. 

Maybe that will make one feel a little stronger and want to believe in healing, in miracles, in a clear day. 

But when you say it is a factory made, first world problem; when you say as long as you have Christ, you can’t have it, then you have invalidated the pain, the fight, struggle and hope. 

You kill with your words and actions faster than it does. 

xo

Tales by Moonlight

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ponder the question 

“am I really happy?? 

What can make me happy??” 

My best friend says I get bored easily; loose interest in things almost as suddenly as the frenzy that takes a hold of mi when I gain interest in them. The only things that haven’t come to bore mi are language, travel and writing; but I suspect that is simply due to the fleeting and rare opportunities I have to practice them. 

The limited-edition-like feeling remains fresh each time. I long for something always, yet I don’t quite know the name of it. 

Some psychologists will suggest acceptance in order to arrive at happiness. But the act of accepting is almost synonymous with settling.

 I feel trapped and caged. Yet I know the door is open; though I remain unaware of what direction to fly off to. 

So, I write. I write and hope for the fog to lift someday. 

Heaven Knows Best

A cry for help we call it.
We all rationalize and try to explain it. But I don't think there is a rational explanation for the pain that comes with emotional distress. The kind that makes you constantly exhausted even after hours of rest. The kind that makes you constantly lonely even in the midst of people you know believe they care. The kind that makes you constantly yearning, even with an abundance.
When the darkness closes in, it feels suffocating; foreign yet familiar. Threatening and nonthreatening at the same time. You want to tell someone, but the fear that they wouldn't understand, or worse, offer you that hope that you believe won't last keeps you. You want to tell someone, but it feels like the darkness will intensify; engulf and swallow you if you speak out or make your presence known.
And then slowly, you give up fighting; give up wrestling; stop hoping. A calmness sets in, as you feel it become you.

Woke up to the news of Shinee's Junghyun's death.

RIP

xo

1012 for the 12th time

So I woke up on the 11^th and realized I had missed the 10^th without a second thought. It was an odd feeling for me, moving forward?? Forgetting?? Growing up?? Life happening?? I can’t still place it. December 10^th has always been a day of mixed feelings for me; melancholic happiness so to speak. This year, maybe because my schedule was so off and I was down with a cold….ah, excuses. I am still going to back date this post cause it is for the 10th after all :) 

This year, I am celebrating the lives of the two survivors, more so my dear friend. This year, I am thankful for the continued healing process, both for the survivors and for family and friends. This year, I am grateful for the ability to remember with a smile, no matter how bitter sweet. This year, I can honestly say, I am better than I was before.

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2017:

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

So....

someone else. Well more like I’m mad he doesn’t like mi I guess. I don’t think I want  a relationship, I just want him to like mi. And I hate the feeling. Especially cause he likes my friend. A lot. 

I want to go home. Sleep in the parking lot, I don’t care. Anywhere but hers. I’m not fit to drive. I shouldn’t be behind the wheels. But I guess I like him more then I thought and I can’t be with her. I just want to be with myself. 

He likes her. 
He dotes on everyone. I want to go home. 

I like him. 

I don’t want this.  

I’m tired

So, take mi home....

I don’t like him.

 I just want the attention and I was mad about that. 

I just liked feeling special and got mad when it was taken away.