'Love Scar"

So I read a manga today called "Love Scar", and the heroine in the story, Sasara, amazingly solved a problem without self sacrificing or hurting someone else to the point of suicide. I have to commend her!! The basic story line was that she fell in love with this kid younger than her, his mother made her 'dump' him, turning the boy, Rin, into a cold male chauvinist, and Sasara into a sad aging woman. She ended up trying to move on by dating one of those men who are overly sweet and nice and treat you like a princess, but then you know you can't fall for them and that hurts, who turned out to be Akira, Rin's big brother. Worse still, she had to get married to him because she felt she couldnt hurt him and Rin hated her. Of course I dont need to say the story went down hill from there. The story behind the break up came to light, Rin was obviously still in love with her, as she was with him, and Akira soon found out about the two of them. But amazingly, she never cheated!! After struggling to be the good wife and choose the path she has taken, an act of self-sacrificing that steadily pissed me off, she figured she couldnt do it. In the end, when I thought she was going to stay with Akira for good, she finally decided it was too much for her to handle. Here was her solution in one day: She had sex with Rin, told him good bye, explaining that she loved him but it would be too cruel to leave Akira and come to him at the moment. Then she went to Akira and asked for a divorce, saying she loved Rin and, I quote, "being his wife and waking up to him daily was painful"...too painful for her to bear any longer and she has decided to leave them both and not choose. Akira said he didnt mind her living with him like that, which I thought was by far one of the dumbest things I've heard anyone say. Translated as: Be sad for my happiness, I dont mind! Really!?! Basically Sasara decided to share the burden of the pain on all three, which I think was the best solution ever.
Do you know pain shared is easier to bear? Instead of carry everyone's burden on herself, she gave it back and found out that her burden was not that painful after all! Of course Akira at first said he wasnt giving her a divorce, which she responded to by saying it didnt matter, she was leaving anyway and that she was wrong so no matter what punishment he decided to give her (in this case no divorce), she could bear. In the end though, he handed the marriage papers to Rin, meaning giving her up to Rin, and walked away. Now I am not saying it is easy to do, but it can be done. When you take a wrong turn and realise you need to get back to the other side, the solution is not to shut yourself and hope to appear at the starting point again, or to continue to wonder and see the 'silver-freaking-lining' in the situation, because quite frankly, if the alternative is still acesible, then there is no freaking silver lining. Just a simple plastic crystal posing as a diamond. It would hurt like hell trying to unwind and untwist the nots you have made to get that far in the dead zone, but think about the breath of fresh air that waits for you at the end or should I say at the begining of the road...what bliss when the ropes tying your hearts are finally undone and you can breathe again? And don't worry, I have done this before so I can say I know the pain and the fear and the uncertainty involved. I can walk in your shoes. But believe me, the only way to treat a wound and prevent it from becoming a painful scar is to open it and clean it out. Leaving it covered only leads to more pain, newer illnesses and in some cases, death!

1012

There are days that hold fond memories for us. For instance, just about the whole world longs for December 25th because that is Christmas day. Or Jan 1st, which is New Years. These days are implanted in our memories, and we love the fact that they are there.
Then there are days that we have implanted in our head, though we wish they would not be there. We wish these days would disappear, as though if they do, then the things that happened would also disappear, and become a bad dream. This is something like December 10th for me.
Every other day of the year, I try to pretend that none of it happened, and that everyone is still going around at their various school, just that we've lost contact. Then on the 10th each year it hits me: The sixty angels are really gone.
I mean I still remember the morning of December 10th 2005 as though it happened the day before. I remember the last thing I ate before boarding my flight, well because my baby made me buy it for her saying that was the last meal she was eating before she went home. I still remember what I was doing when my mum told me the plane had crashed. In fact, I remember the room and the setting to a T, its almost scary.
But then I did not come here to reenact the events that occurred that day from my point of view.
It was hard making myself write this, because that meant returning to reality, which I have so effectively evaded all year. The truth is no matter how hard I try to pretend it never happened, it did. And I miss them.
I miss them everyday because they are no longer here.
I miss them every time because everyone knows it wasn't fair.
I miss them even more because no one still has told me why.
I miss them desperately because their spaces are still empty.
There are times I think "Oh, I should tell him this, he'll laugh with me", and then I remember, he is not here anymore.
We all wish it never happened, but it did.
We all wish there was someone to take the account for their life, but even if that person shows, it wont change the fact that they (Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk), amongst others, are gone.
So on this memorable day, as we do always, I say, R.I.P my angels, we miss you and you are still in our hearts.
I pray, the day will come when the blood of those innocent kids would not have been a waste. I pray the day will come when that country and its many problems that caused that plane crash would be cured
And finally, I do pray that the day will come when some peace would be in our hearts at last.
I guess I am rambling as usual huh?
1012, a day with a significance, one never again to be forgotten...
...Remember me when I am gone away.Gone far away into the silent land;When you can no more hold me by the hand.Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.Remember me when no more day by day You tell me of our future that you planned:Only remember me: you understand It will be late to counsel then or pray.Yet if you should forget me for a while And afterwards remember, do not grieve: For if the darkness and corruption leave A vestige of the thoughts that once I had. Better by far you should forget and smile Than you should remember and be sad...
~ Christina Rossetti

...Watashi no Hanshi...

"I think you are an emotional masochist, and because of that, I believe you sort of understand why regular masochist, some at least, do what they do." she said to me, and paused waiting for me to give her the go ahead, which I did with a smile.
"I learned this from House, the show I mean," she continued, shifting in her chair, a little nervous. Who could blame her, I wasn't helping wtih my emotionless fixed smile now was I?
"When House went off his pain pills," she continued, "the pain in his leg became unbearable. So he decided to break his pinky finger. Of course any normally functioning person would know that breaking your pinky is an unbearable pain, but it did not hurt as bad as the leg did. For a few minutes, his brain transferred the pain sensors to focus on his pinky, and he got relief from his leg."
She paused again and looked at me before she went on.
"I think that is the basic idea behind masochiesm. I mean the physical pain for them is easier to bear than what ever else they face. For you though, you don't like pain. At least not physical, and you don't want anything to show. So you get emotional pain." She smiled at me, as though she had just given me a compliment. I was a little baffled, but my smile remained unshakable.
"You do and say all sorts of things to get yourself worked up emotionally, and to make yourself sad. Because as long as you are sad, then the real pain remains masked and you get temporary relief."
She smiled sadly before she went on.
"The only time one knows you are in real pain, is when you make the mistake of inflicting a pain of greater or equal effect as the real pain. Then there is a problem. You either get a double doze of whatever it is you are trying to avoid, or you end up falling back to it as the lesser pain because the created substitute is too painful to be a sub."

I stared at her. In all her glory, no one could see her true colors. Her smile was as invented, easy to whip out and easy to put away. It was beautiful to the eyes, but painful to her heart. I did not let my gaze wonder lower, because then she decided to let the wishes come true, though that was not the case in reality. She wanted to make me 'face the problem', I on the other hand was fine as I was.
"Don't I get a 'congratulations you have done well figuring me out' or something?" she asked, pouting a little.
I chuckled as I stood up, genuinely out of amusement for the first time in a long time. I walked out of the room, leaving her behind, though I knew she was followed me to places no one else did. As expected, the smile was out once I left the privacy of our space and walked back into the world.

Yes, she knows me best, she who is also me. Atashi no Hansha...

You, me and I

Before I say yes,
Would you listen to my selfish requests?
Before we take this step,
Would you hold my hand knowing I might still say no?

Don't try to protect me,
Without telling me what I am being protected from.
Don't run ahead and clear the path,
Without letting me know you are going.

Don't tell me not to worry,
Because I will always do.
Don't go down the road to save me without me,
Because it wont work.

Did you know I was very fragile?
Even if you say you don't want me to worry or stop smiling,
Did you know I will always smile,
Just as easily as I breathe too?

Don't do things behind my back
because you are thinking about me,
Don't leave me in the dark,
because you think it's for my own good.

For the world,
Did you know I never cry but always smile?
I'm afraid, and I think you know why,
You do, don't you?

So now that you know,
Would you hold my hand still knowing I might say no?
Would you walk with me still, knowing I might turn and run right back?
Would you take the chance still, knowing I might not trust you enough to do so either?


Yapari, Migatte ne? Atashi?
Don't try to protect me,
By leaving me in the dark.
Don't tell me to smile and not worry,
and take care of it because I would.
Don't leave me behind ever,
because I might break.

Hold my hand as you ask,
Hold my hand as I answer,
Hold my hand through it all, onegaishimasu...

because...atashino sayaku no jidayo o sorete iru dakedu sorete...
dakara, dakara...taskete ni onegaishimas...

So now you know,
Would you let me be selfish just with you?
Would you let me take off this mask just for you?

Secret Addiction

You are not made to be an aphrodisiac,
But you work almost better to me.
I sit at dinner surrounded by all,
I smile when the need be,
As natural as my naturally-fake smile allows,
And in silence, I wait.

I wait and watch as the clock ticks,
Counting down earnestly for the hour,
I crave to run back to you as fast as I can,
But I cannot show my longing to all.
So I must be coy,
I must play it cool

If our relationship is known,
No one would understand.
If I let it out that I need you so bad,
People would freak!
Some may say its unnatural, that I'll make you an idol,
But we both know the facts.

I need you, maybe not as much as you need me
I want you, to the point that a daily dose is no longer enough.
I enjoy you, so much so, for you forever make me smile.
I am with you, because with you as a companion, life is never dull.
Did you know that I smile and laugh when I think of you?
Did you know it hurts me the most when you hurt me?

So as I am now, I wait.
Waiting, Watching, Anticipating.
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, since when did time glide by so slowly?
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, I smile back at all who smile at me.
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, finally, time is here!
Did you know, me and you, computer...I won't say...
Why?
Cause it's a secret...

The Games We Play

Your eyes look around,
Yet stare only at me.
There is the color in your eyes,
That only I can see.
In the midst of the crowd,
You stand separated from me,
Yet why is it that I feel your hands on me?

I whisper to the man that walks to my side,
He whispers back and I smile.
We both know I was talking to you,
From across the room, I know.
You feel it don't you?
I can tell
The way your body freezes at my voice.

Here we are standing side by side,
With the crowd around,
All I can do is laugh in wonder,
How do we do all this, stay sane and secret?

I can feel your touch,
You can feel my voice.
You say a word to another,
Yet I get the message from way yonder.
I chuckle as I always do,
but the look in my eyes you see screams seduction.

Finally the distance between us is covered,
At last from across the room, the gap is closed.
Now, we stand facing each other.
I run my hand down the diamonds you gave me,
Watching your gaze drift down to my neck as I approach,
Long enough to let the spot lights shine on you and me.
If this were on stage, all eyes would be on us.
"Hi, let me introduce you to my wife"
He says to you,
"Same here" You say to him, and you and the woman by your side smile at me.
You take my hand, give the back of my palm a kiss and say,
"Nice to meet you."

In this room we stay,
There is a crowd,
Yet why is it that I feel your touch?
As though we were alone with only the moon as our witness?
But you know one thing,
He stands here, and she stands there,
So we continue to smile and whisper and stare,
Enjoying the fun as we take turns tormenting each other...

Forbidden Contract

Last night,
At the cross road,
Where they say man meets the devil,
I sold my soul.
Not to the owner of the road,
As one would have expected,
Or to his helper,
As would have been the case.
But to a certain 'He'.

I still remember how the cold wind felt,
As it moved calmly yet seductively around me.
I remember the shape of the moon,
As it warmed me on that starry night.
Full moon?
So it seemed, as I signed with its light on the sand.

Last night,
At the place called the "Devil's Gate",
I sold my soul.
It was not to the devil as my other longed for,
But some may say my buyer was worse.
Yet
Whispering in my ears through the night,
Drowning me,
Making me sink deeper and deeper,
With each intoxicating breath I took,
It was hard to wake up from this newly found bliss.

Last night I defiled my Father and went to the Devil's Way,
Last night I defiled the devil and did business with another at his wake.
Surely the list of plagues that await me have become longer!
Surely my punishments are yet to be compiled!
But as I listened to the sound of his voice,
Gazing,
I was entrapped in the world in his eyes.
Surely if there was a pleasure known to man,
This would be it would it not?
Surely it was worth dieing for...
Was it not this?

Last night,
At the cross-road,
At the place where they say man meets the devil,
The place called the 'Devil's Gate',
I sold my soul to no other than 'He'.
And I thought "Hell be damned!" As I walked away with him,
Arm in arm,
The contract signed,
In blood and in mind,
There was no turning back.

Fables

I think I was surprised when I saw the invasion of the blue mud,
Imagine my utter shock when the eye of the rock began to speak!
Is it really that tough coming up with a reason to ruin a relationship?
Or was it merely in his case that his fear was as foul as the stench of a rat?
For it formed a cloak around him, which bit into the air of all who drew near;
And he wore it as a vest, even in the seasons the sun burned the earth.

I got a sharp ache in my chest when I heard the doctor had fixed her eyesight.
For she had had a tough accident years back, and I told her then that the bruises on her face were nothing but significant beauty spots to help keep the memory of the accident clear in her mind, and that she looked hot!
I lied
No use telling a girl even a monkey would not date her now, if she can no longer see or walk.

Never let your child's first kiss be given by an inexperienced asshole.
It is almost as bad as giving her sawdust for her first meal as a baby.
Then you suddenly wonder why she acquired a taste for humans instead, and then reflect upon your ways when you find out your body is her first choice for meat and blood.
I think it is time to wake up though, as I have spent the last decade of my life asleep, hoping time too slept with me.