So-Fas

Who am I kidding? I am, in every way, obsessed with the piano or keyboard. I fell in love with music in the first place for this reason. Each note hits me like a prayer, and is very capable of flowing through my entire being. When I play the keyboard, I know I am no longer in this world, because I am lost in the melody that is created. Fascinated at the fact that just a simple touch of a key can create so much intricate and exotic sounds, sometimes delicate and other times extremely bold. Yes I still do adore the guitar, and I adore boys that play it the most, that in itself will never change. So you might wonder, why is it that I refuse to play the piano anymore?
Simple.
Because the melody of the piano is the only thing and the only sound that can get to that box. It gets to it to the point that sometimes, that which is in hiding and locked up inside is actually moved. It gets there so much so that for the few seconds I allow myself to indulge for a bit, I feel almost alive and complete again. So I run.
I run because that is the safest thing for me to do.
I run because at that very moment, the temptation to give in a reopen that box is too great.
But then even you know that I cannot open it. At least not yet, and not by myself. I do have the key to the box, but then me opening it myself would mean doom would it not? It cannot be that the only thing that knows the melody is the piano, and also the only one that can move this box and it's content so delicately.
Maybe you think I am a coward, and maybe you are right. Maybe you think I am simply being ridiculous, and again, maybe you are right.
But I cannot bring myself to think like you do, and open it simply because you say all these things.
So please, do not misunderstand me when I turn away and move in the opposite direction at the sight of one playing or at the sight of a piano. It is not out of a sudden hatred that I do this, for it pains my soul almost as badly as a stab to the chest would, each time I take this action. The fact that I am Christian is the only reason I believe my soul has not been sold to music. If I do believe in love right now, I will say that music is one thing I know I am in love with.
The sound of the piano, the so-fas, the notes, the melody...
The one thing that is capable of picking me up, spinning me around and over to another dimension, and bringing me back to this place with more longing than I had before I went. They say once you taste a good fruit, you never want to go back. Is this any different? It's like a drug you can get high off, and when you have too much of it, like I did, at some point, you become too obsessed, and a slight shift in things, a little change in fate, leaves you wanting, broken and almost destroyed. So the simple solution in recovery would be to hide that vulnerable part of you that was almost trampled, and stay away from the source of you mishap, no matter how painful such a decision may be.
...if I were to believe in love, music will be my first love...

あなたの目を開店したとき...

(When you opened your eyes...)

When you opened your eyes,
You said "Who are you?"
And my heart was crushed to bits.
When you opened your eyes,
You turned into her arms,
And my heart was ripped out from me.

Was our past all a dream,
Or is this the nightmare?
Just last night I was in your arms,
Just last night you whispered words about forever.
Who would have guessed I would play Cinderella?
Who would have thought my forever only lasted till midnight?

When you opened your eyes,
It was as though my heart stopped,
because the pain made time freeze for me.
How is it that you forgot it all in the blink of an eye?
How is it that the thing I wished for the most,
is that which kills me ever so slowly?

When you opened your eyes...
Oh my aching heart,
Is there a way to rip it out totally so it hurts no more?
It bleeds and is crushed, yet it would not leave me.
Is there away to run from this pain for good?

Now you've opened your eyes,
And your time has resumed.
Now you've opened your eyes,
Yet my time has stopped.
It is a sad joke fate plays on us.
We walk the same planet, two lovers, searching for our love,
Yet we are doomed to pass each other each time,
With the other only a breath away.

My Raven which isnt mine...

The raven flew away from me today again. He looks so beautiful and pure, that from a distance, it hurts to watch. I want to touch it and be close to it, but I fear each time I take a step closer, it seems to retreat from me even more. It flocks around with its own kind, and the truth in that hurts my heart. Do I wish to come over to your world?
Nay it is not that I wish for, but for you to come over to my world.
The raven has smiled again today. It is so sad that he smiles, yet when I look closely I see sadness in his eyes. What is it that haunts you so? Nay, I know it, yet I am chained and cannot help. I am a coward, this I know, so I am doomed to stay away and watch him play with his kind. I am doomed to stay away and watch him sink deeper and deeper. This is my punishment for being so weak.

Sometimes I want to yell and fight them off. I want to yell
"Don't touch him! Don't touch my Raven!"
Yet I realize even that is wrong. And this realization ties me down too. I have no claim over him, so I have no right to call him my own. In all fairness, they have more claim to him than I do, yet I cannot help but feel an ache in my heart when I see them with him or see him alone, as I know he is but in search of them.

It is not as though he does not know of my existence, it is more like he knows, but I do not come to him. Th Raven would not come to me, because he does not venture away from his kind. It is a lie to say he loves everyone as he claims to, because no one who says that with a smile is for real. In his eyes you can see the truth as clear as day. In his eyes there is a shadow there that makes me want to pick him up and draw him to me. In his eyes you can tell that this present him is but a shadow, and that there is the real him locked inside. What made him run and hide? What turned the tables for him? I want to ask these things, I want to be the one to know these things, because some how I feel as though no one else can tell. No one else can tell that this is a shadow of the real Raven.

Yet I know this would not do.
And this realization plagues me daily.

The Raven is away from me for now, but soon he shall return. He shall return to that spot where he always stays, within my eye sight, yet out of my reach. It is not love that I feel for this bird, as sadly, my heart in that sense has gone cold. Yet I long for it. I long to be close to this bird so much so that is hurts my frozen heart. Is it wrong that I want him all to myself? Aye it is, as he is for all, and I was called to find him by my master. But still, I wish he would play with me. I wish I would be the closest one to him. Yes I know, this is a selfish thought, and this as well keeps me from moving. The Raven is different from other birds, even his kind, because when I look at him, I feel as though he and I are kindred spirit. Is it the loneliness I see in his eyes mirrors that which I feel, isthis is why I am drawn to him?
The Raven lived today and smiled I am sure. With this distant light, some balm is spread on my aching heart.
Me and the Raven together even now, is but a Phantom of my imagination.

Thou which are not mine....

I stare at the wind,
the wind I cannot see.
I smile to myself,
because the wind is free.

I stare at the bird,
the bird I cannot catch.
I smile to myself,
because it can fly away.

Who clipped my wings and placed me here?
Who took me and sealed me in this space?
I look around but cannot find the culprit,
So I smile to myself.

Aren't I pitiful?
This distance between us is but a joke,
as I only need to look down to see the chains you have around my legs.
No matter how far I go, you have me on a leash,
When I try to forget, you pull the chains to remind me.
I have to smile for the world,
yet in the mirror, my reflection does not smile back at me.
Looking at that, I smile to myself
"Aren't I pitiful?"

I stare at the sun,
In all her glory,
yet like me she is on a leash,
confined to walk the day alone,
and hide in the shadow of the moon at night.
I watch the moon,
In all her beauty,
yet like me, she is on a leash,
confined to walk the night alone,
and hide in the shadow of the sun in the day.
I smile to myself, and it seems they smile back,
"Aren't we pitiful?"

The things I ask...

And if i tell you he stole (took without permission) an item from me, and I am going to take it back from him without asking, would you say I'm also wrong? Did I too sin as well by taking back, what was in the first place, originally mine, without asking?
If he pulls the trigger on everyone around me, and I do it to him before he does it to me, will you also say that I was wrong too? Did I too sin as well, by killing him before he killed me?
If she sleeps with men who are not married to her, and I give in to a rape making it seem consensual, will I too be seen as a whore? Did I too sin by not fighting anymore so as to reduce the damage that would be done to me?

I ask you these things,
yet you give me no reply.
I ask you these things,
yet you look at me in silence.
Do you not have anything to say to me?
Do you not have anything to confess to?

Don't compare the two of us,
simply because it is convenient for you!
Don't compare the two of us,
simply because you cannot think of a better word to use for me!
Don't compare the two of us,
because I am 'Me', and you are 'You'!

Is it fair that you smile at the moon from afar,
yet up close you treat it differently?
From afar it looks like the perfect twin,
pure and bright with no imperfections,
yet up close, you see the scars it tries to hide,
and you, believing it is the evil twin, are quick to judge.
You, believing it is the lesser one, are quick to run and hide.
Is it fair that you smiled and raised hope without finding out the other side,
only to turn around and crush that Hope along with the shred of life that once was there?

You say the words,
I hear them well,
Yet as your mouth moves,
You body moves in the opposite direction.
Step out of the picture and take a closer look,
Is it one side of you I see, all of you?
If you wish to show me all of you, then I would accept you as you are.
But if you wish to show me a side of you, then keep the other side away from me forever.
For it would crush the me that has come to love the side of you that I know,
and the me that was before I met you, all together, to find out there is a different side to you.

Proof of my adventurous crazy side...

For personal reasons, I am not going to use any names in this tale...O and it's not proof read, so bear with woteva!!! :)
So I just got back to my dorm at about 5.30pm today, after a very random and funny 32 hours. To put it simply, I went on an unplanned, unexpected and totally ridiculous road trip.
K I'll skip the first part and start with Saturday morning. I got a call from one of my friends, saying I should get dressed so we could go to the mall. This was around 10.30am, after I had gone to bed at 6am. I was pretty tired, but I had promised to go along with her so I got off my bed, got dressed and got into the car. There was another girl there, making three of us, and we set off originally to go to the mall, and ended up five hours away from Carbondale, in a town called Peoria!!!!!

Okay when we got to the mall and got done shopping, we decided to go get something to eat. Of course we wanted something different, and thought about Red Lobster, but the closest one was in Marion, which is 30mins away from Carbondale. So we were off to Marion. To tell the difference between the girls, I'll use OF, as in Old Friend, and NF, as in new friend. Should be pretty easy to understand right? Anyway, my OF say the "Stake and Shake" sign and decided she wanted lunch there. So we were off to Stake and Shake, Red lobster was quickly forgotten.

While we were having lunch, NF, and the driver as it turned out to be, suggested that we go to Padukah, (An hour north of Marion), and go window shopping or something at the mall there. (Pls note that nothing happened with regards to this thought, but we always tell it as part of the story so....lol). Anyway, somewhere along the line, she changed her mind and said lets go to D'Quater (Sorry, I don't know how to spell it so thats how it's pronounced)....anyway, we decided that that was a better option (Did I mention that this was 3.5hrs South of our present location?) because some of NF and OF's friends were going over there to have Indian food for dinner. So we got done with lunch, hopped into the car and we were off to D'Quater.

No pls note that we acc did not know where exactly this place was, but we had a general idea u know and of course an atlas. On the way, OF announced that this sort of feels lyk a road trip, and then NF said "Well that would only work if we spend the night else where." Then she added "We could spend the night in Peoria." and looked at me. Yes, yours truly was so ready to back up that idea, and I definitely responded with a "Hell Ya!" to that bright idea.... OF called her sis and told her about the plan, then asked if we could sleep over. She said yes, and we told her we would be there at 10pm, and the journey continued.

We hung out with their friends as planned at D'Quater, had Indian food, also as planned, and then decided that it was time to head off to Peoria, when we suddenly realized that Oh, we did not have a place to crash at! The plan was to get to OF's sister's place before 10, but unfortunately that plan fell through and we were homeless. Yes these three college kids figured out that they had no place to stay at 12am in the morning! Genius, I know! We decided we'll head off there anyway, worst comes to worst, we'll crash at a motel or something. Then OF remembered she had a friend who stayed in Treemounth, or some place with a name lyk that, which was close to Peoria, and that we could crash there. So we called her friend, got an ok from her, and were off to her house.

Of course we had to make a quick stop at Wallmart to get somethings as we were to arrive at this house with only ourselves and our wallets! Sweet! We crashed in OF's friends house, without seeing the owners of the house! Got in at 2am and the out at 8am. We went off to NF's house and literarilly snuck in while everyone was out, because she was not meant to be there, and then got out before anyone came in. Almost like a B&E, just we had the keys to the front door, and a member of the family with us. lol.

We made OF call this guy who had a thing for her, and ask him to meet us for breakfast, so we had breakfast in Peoria first. Though he never showed up and got deeper in our bad books for sure. Nyhu, after our B&E, we went off to Pecan to get OF's full length mirror from the place she stayed at, and helped the lady there move some stuff. finally, we bagan our trip back to Carbondale at 12pm, and arrived at 5pm - This story would not be complete if I forget to mention the fact that we had to drive through a storm and almost got into a car wreck when NF tried to over take a truck and the car began to slide from side to side, rather that move forward. But of course, God willing, we got out of that one...

So the difference between this and my trip to St Louis last semester was the fact that the trip to St Louis was planned (though the events that occurred on the trip such as getting lost, getting lost some more, returning to town at 2am and not getting to see any of the things we went to St Louis to see but still having fun anyways), but this trip to wot turned out to be 5 different towns, was not....

So here I am back in my room at last, after my trip to the mall. This was a very random thing to do, but definitely awesome and a thing for the books! Me, being a 'safe' dare-devil, if such a term exists, was super stoaked the entire time we were on the trip and about it!!!! My grand kids are gonna have a ball with this one. "During my first summer skol in college, I took a trip to the mall, had lunch in a town 30mins away, dinner in one 3.5hrs away, and then breakfast in one 5hrs away with nothing but my self, friends, and goodies from a short trip to Wallmart!!!

Good times!!!

Jaa-Nee!!!

Wishful thinking....

I've been thinking, is it wrong to want to have some fun and excitement, even though you know for sure you would not be satisfied if what you do is not dangerous or daring? I mean one way or the other, a monotonous life becomes what its called monotonous! It really never gets any better than yesterday. You do the same thing over, and over and over again. Thats why I don't think I can stand a desk job. Not that I have anything against those who do it right now or who plan on going into that, I mean, to each his own right?

So now that I have said the first stage of my thoughts, lets go on. What do I do that would make my life fun right now? I've already given up on trying to stay on the good side of everyone, especially those that I really couldn't care less about in a couple of years when I move, and since most of the people whose opinions count know would take me as I present myself, I think I am free to play a little game right? I mean, it really has been a while. I guess the only problem I have is the fact that when I start, I usually have to play till the end or game over - not that that has ever occurred, game over I mean - and I don't think I am quite ready to make such a commitment yet you know. No scratch that, I think am just being too freaking lazy right now. lol.
Well since I have decided that I want to play a game, I need to make sure the factors and the other players are involved. I mean there is not fun playing a game with no goal or prize now is there? Thats almost as bad as just living. lol. Don't get me wrong, I do love living. But then simply 'living' is like standing still in a game world. There is no fun in that. You have to figure out what the price or goal is, and then aim for it. So I need to work out the kicks for the game, the other players, if I can stand to have any, and the goals for each level.

If you are still trying to figure this out, I am talking about mind games. And yes, I know I probably sound pretty much on the crazy side right now, but the good part is, thats all part of the fun. Being a little crazy, and having something to talk about and possibly get high over in the end...

Because am tired and I really have nothing else to say right now, no scratch that, I don't feel like saying anything else right now, I'll just go, and leave you to ponder over the mystery of the crazy that is Mi.

Ja-Nee

Farewell Message

*For those of you who love animes or mangas, and read or watch Vampire Knights or Blood Plus, this might be considered a spoiler to some level, and I suggest you stop reading this now.

In all my life, i can only think of one other time I've been plagued with such devastatingly disturbing and heart wrenching emotions, as I was last night when I ventured to look into the future of my once beloved anime Vampire Knights, and that was when I watched Blood+. Vampire Knights was once a very vital part of my life up until about 12 hours ago, and I think it would be only fair that I give it a befitting farewell. If for nothing, simply for the existence of beauties like Kuran Kaname, Aidou, Zero, Ichirou and the rest. Haven said that, lets begin.

WHAT. THE. F&*%!?!?!?!

I've tolerated a lot of things when it comes to me and animes/mangas, but being led on for so long is not something I can stand ever! To actually think I began the story thinking that there was some form of romance blooming, only to find out that Kaname and Yuuki are siblings, and that the love she has for Zero is nothing more than sibling or agape love was heart wrenching. I mean seriously, his sister? That gave me the same feeling I got when I watched the last episode of Blood+. Yes, just after Hajji kissed Saya, the act we all waited for, he said I love you, and proceeded to die at the very last second, the ultimate love sacrifice. (Oh did I mention that I hate self-sacrifice? Guess not. Yes I am one of those that believes there is another way out, other than becoming a martyr in such a situation).

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only do all those gorgeous beauties go to waste, another anime I have encountered like this, but the anime suddenly lost its theme, and probably the purpose for being aired as far as I can tell. I mean the reason I watched it was the fact that there was going to be some love battle and then finally she would decide who to be with. Of course there were wars and things going on in the Vampire Kingdom that had not been explained and which added to the thrill, but as far as I am concerned, the love story was the foundation of that anime. In essence, Vampire Knights crumbled after I saw that.

It pains me that I would no longer be able to talk about the existence of such magnificent beauties as I have been fortunate to encounter in Vampire Knights, mainly because my BFF and I have an unspoken rule of not dredging up sad or bad memories, so as to refrain from getting angry. I fell in love with almost all the male characters in the anime, and so I think it is only fair that I 'break this thing up' formally, and not just ditch it and run. I have to say for those who actually don't mind initial disappointments, the other side of the story about the wars and politics of the Vampire Kingdom seems pretty interesting. But I cannot bring myself to watch the anime anymore, because I would constantly be reminded of the pain I got in my heart when I found out that they were all related. I am not going to go into how sick I felt at first, when I thought of the fact that they almost veered off totally into incest, because if I do, this would be way too long, and I have an assignment to get to. I have officially decided that anything that has to do with Vampires mainly in the anime or manga world, is not for me, and I shall stay away from them until I can find, through third party connections of course, one that allows me to get my happily ever after.

One a good note, I loved the fact that Inuyasha proved itself of being worthy to be called my favorite of all time, when it came to a beautiful conclusion this week. I know some people might think it is shallow to want 'happily ever afters' only when I watch fantasies or fictions, but first off, let me say that that is totally and utterly your problem. I watch things to escape the real world, and not to be reminded of it. If I wanted to see a sad tale, all I have to do is take up residence at some house in the world, and I would be sure to get a sad tale sooner or later. If its a fantasy or fiction, don't build up a possible happy ending and crash just two seconds before you show "The End". That way I can stay away from the movie if I see where its headed in time, and then take the blame for watching something I don't want, if I decide to proceed.

I truly would miss the Vampire Knights I originally started watching, and to that I bid
悲しい別れを告げる。( a sad farewell to you).

-また後で (See you later).

The Break-Up

If dawn comes and you are gone,
I won't cry for you.
You may think it's because I lack love for you,
You may think I led you on all this time.

If dawn comes and you are gone,
I will laugh still.
You may think I wished you dead,
And that I'm glad you are gone.

But truth...

If dawn comes and you are gone,
I won't weep because my heart would bleed from it,
I won't weep because I may never stop.
I won't weep because you said "see you soon", and by God I will.

if dawn comes and you are gone,
I'd laugh at the joke my life has become,
I'd laugh at the fact that last night is the last memory of that smile I'll have,
I'd laugh because my forever has come to an end.

So if dawn comes and you must go,
Hold me in your arms one last time,
Tell me it's okay and kiss my true smile,
For it would be the last of it the world shall see.

These words of mine....

I am a loner, yet I am afraid to be alone,
I am adorned with a sense for adventure,
a restless spirit, yet I am terrified of the unknown.
I long to go places, I long to be someone, I long for something,
But the world seems to glide right past me, like the passing tide at sea,
Over me, under me, but not through me.

I believe that I am an investment,
and like every other one there is,
payments can come to an end.
I know in my head that that is not true,
but I cannot seem to wrap my mind or heart around the truth.

People think I try to fight for what I want,
Yes I do try to fight for what I want.
But sometimes, I run, because it's easier on my heart.
Maybe I stick physically, but I run internally.
What use is there staying when you soul has left the scene?

I thought I knew what it was I wanted,
No, I know what it is I want,
but I am scared to believe I can get it.
For the few things I have believed in came to an end,
Far too soon for me to even have possible fathom.

But its nice to know that somethings in me do not change.
Even though they are sad, they still do not change.
Doesn't that make me human in a sense?
I am tired, and I want to rest,
but rest eludes me, toys with me and mocks me.


I want to go, go and keep going,
but a destination eludes me, toys with me and mocks me.
I chose to sit and wait long ago,
but after centuries of waiting to no avail, can you blame me for my decision?
It's over now, nothing began, and at last, nothing has finally come to an end.
I quit.