Disturbed

Voices in her head,
louder,
louder.
'Fake' he says,
She knows it already.
A fraud.
No reason to have a constant national anthem of that playing.
She is fake.
It disgusts her.

Scared.
Terrified of her real self.
Who wouldn't be?
She sits there.
She can see her.
Sitting,
Watching.
A blur really.
But those piercing eyes are clearer than anything.

Hate.
Envy.
For them she feels.
They are free.
No voices,
No guilt.
They are real.
Can't kill them.
Can't join them.
He laughs always cause he knows she would never reach them.

Voices.
Louder.
Not Night as she thought.
Night doesn't hate her so.
Faceless.
He is back.
Brutally honest.
Her mirror.
He would bleed the truth out of her not to help her, but for his pleasure.

Heartless.
Soulless.
Maybe he hates her.
Maybe she hates him.
Yes she hates him.
Yes he hates her.
She tells him always.
He smiles back always.
But he would never voice it out no matter the cause.

Cut.
Remove.
Pull out.
He won't leave.
No matter how many parts she cuts.
He won't leave.
He said three major ones.
First two too painful.
Could not continue.
Too long ago.
And now she's said too much and so people would notice.

Tears.
She won't shed.
He would win.
He can't win.
Suicide.
She won't die.
Cause he would take the credit.
He would win
He can't win.
So she must endure it till she finds another saving grace.

Voices.
Help.
Don't.
Fake.
Fraud.
She disgusts herself.
So she hates her too.
He knows.
So he stays.
He stays.
She he torments.
He torments.
Voices...she yells but no one hears...caged with him forever her heart bleeds...

Insane Child 101...

So I think I am driving myself slowly yet surely, closer and closer to insanity. One of the many ways I am trying to accomplish this, is the fact that now I am worried and terrified about my dream - which is what it is as of now - to go to graduate school in Japan and study IR. Of course the fact that I do want to go there in the first place, to some, is a sign of insanity already, so there is that. But since I long stopped giving a flying ass about what people think, that is not a tag on my insanity spill...lol...

I got a book about going to graduate school, but half way through, It felt weird reading it. Plus I still have no idea what 'research' plan I want to do when I get in. Of course lets not forget that my legendary dream school would be none other than the International University of Japan, which so happens to be on the top 50...yup...in the world! So technically, yours truly is aiming for an ivy-leagueish school...

Did I forget that my dearest papa knows nothing of all these plans? As far as he is concerned, his 。。。, *cough* I mean daughter, is going into the School of business probably (though she is under the illusion that she wants criminology), in the United States...Ivy-league too. Well at least we both are on point on the Ivy-leagueness of the school. lol

Then there is the fact that I cant stop thinking. Like for a second, I just cant. Something always pops up. It seems like my 'to-do-list' keeps getting longer and longer, and the more I try to get the things done, the more the pages turn...like "oh don't relax yet, there are a few more things left"...and no, it is definitely not the regular 'to do list' that humans have...no, no...mine is special...lol.

And then there is 'he who must not be named', who, for reasons I cannot fathom, can't shut up long enough for me to even think straight, and won't leave...well more like cannot leave, so I am stuck with him for God-knows how long! I cannot decide which is worse, the constant yapping, or the permanently "I know you are gonna have a near break down soon" look on his face...

Maybe I should...I don't know...I really don't know...right now though, I have to go study. Sure I aced the last test without a lot of review, but I am pretty sure, from experience, miracles happen once in a while...