At 2am...

So am terribly freaked out about the fact that there is a really fat chance - fat chance being the key phrase here - that I might be getting something far from an A in my Calculus this semester. Well that is pretty messed up, considering the fact that I got everyone so hyped from my last result, and I would possibly be bringing them all crashing down with a loud bang this coming result. You have to forgive me if my sentences are not in accordance to the English rules and all, am pretty tired, and in dieing need of some sleep here.

I just read one of my friends blogs. Well I won't exactly call him a friend, I mean we simply went to High School together, never really talked there or afterwards, except on night last year or so, which is a story for a different eve. Anyway, he went on and on in this one blog about this girl that he had a crush on, and for some reason it made me think of my emotional stand point right now. lol. Emotional stand point. I sound a little retarded. Moving on. I am actually starting to get extremely bored with the state my life has been so far, and I have been thinking of some way to get it all hyped up you know. I mean the whole me falling for a guy right now cant work and would be so bloody inconvenient, but I was thinking of playing a match maker again for some reason. I do get a high from slightly negative suspense that I, or another genius at such, creates, and it wont hurt to have some fun now would it? K before the moral police force begins to attack me, by negative suspense, I mean doing something sneaky with excruciatingly perfectly laid plans, and watching it unfold. Lyk when people plan the perfect robbery and watch their master piece take action in movies for instance...lol... I mean there are really very few feelings that can beat the one you get when you have a perfect plan, and watch others try to crack it. Don't get me wrong, nothing in life can be perfect. But then when you have a plan with a flaw, and you alone can actually identify the flaw, is it not considered perfect in the eyes of the rest of the world?
I should probably get to bed now you know. Have so much outstanding shit to get done, don't even know where to begin. My calculus assignment is threatening to be the death of me, and I have an English paper to get done. So you do understand why I am stressed out, and totally incapable of doing one more school related work. I so badly want to travel and play right now, its not even funny. I know it is not sensible to have plans for your future that are simply made up of fun, risks and games to some people, but what then is the point of living, when you cannot wish to redo things or smile about things, because of the high feeling you had when you did them?
Some people think I am crazier than the average human being is, maybe I am. But in the words of Merilyn Monroe, even though she was definitely not famous because of her words, "imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous, than absolutely boring!"

Free Spirit 2

Have you ever seen her?
She runs wild with the wind,
Has no cares in the world.
Her form ever so fascinating,
her beauty, a thing of delight.
She bows to no one,
And forms bonds alone.
She is not tamable,
You simply must choose to take her on her own terms.
She runs,
Free of all burdens.
She runs, and she loves it.
I watch her, and I wish.
I wish for what she is,
I wish for what I could be.
For sometimes, it feels as though I have broken free from this cage.
But then when i try to move far,
I realize it is simply but a leash.
Ai, it is long enough that I may wonder,
But not enough to set me free.
So once again I sit and stare,
I wish and wonder.
Once again I am drawn, mesmerized and given a breath of fresh air.
As I behold what is possible, what can be,
And my hope's flame remains ablaze.
Have you ever seen her?
The Mustang,
She runs free and wild,
The wind is her sole companion,
The west her home.

Free Spirit

I want to run,
Run away from here.
To where?
I never know.

I want to run,
Run free with the wind,
To have the air blowing in my face,
And have no worries in life.

I want to run,
To a place where the birds sing freely,
A place where they sing together,
And where their melody brings peace and joy.

...that la la...

Some people think I am either crazy or simply live in a dream world, because I believe in happily ever afters. I don't know if I agree with them, or if I don't. Doesn't matter.

I believe in music, and I believe it is a way to tell a story.
I believe every song, every lyric is a string, which connects us all to things.
I believe music is the sound and voice of the soul.
I believe music is the most powerful thing there is, and it can either strengthen you, or destroy you.
I believe everyone has a music in them, and all some need is a little boost to get it out and flowing.
I believe everything has its own music,
I believe everything beautiful has its own music.
I believe that music is the only medicine for the heart.
I believe that music is the magic of life.

Sorry...

I truly am sorry.
I don't know what else to say to make it right.
I don't know how else to say it to make it all go away.
I know what I am going to do would truly hurt you,
I also know that I am going to have to do it anyway.
If there was another way, truly I would have gone in that direction.
You have to understand, this is not about you. It has never been about you. this is all about me.
You see, I am very different. You don't know me, and am afraid I truly don't want you to.
I have lived this long and so far only because of the way I live now, and I cannot change that now. For now, I guess I feel am fine the way I am. I feel safe as I am. I know I have hurt you, and that I am not making any sense. Believe me, I really do. I truly understand how you feel, but then you don't understand how I feel, and I can't say it to you. Don't ask me why, thats not important right now.
I guess all am truly and really trying to say is that...I am sorry...from the bottom of my heart...you truly have to believe that, for if you don't believe me, then I sincerely do not know what I would do.
Please believe me, and trust me, this is all for the best. Trust me.

Mi

Sometimes, Somehow, Somewhere...

Sometimes I feel like I am meant to fly, to fly and go some place else.
Sometimes I feel like I am missing something, or am searching for something that I still do not know.
Sometimes I wish it would all come clear, that it would all make some sense to me no matter how little.
Sometimes I feel like some things are clues. That some how, some things have happened and my tomorrow and yesterday are too linked and affect my today more than usual.

Somehow I feel like there was once upon a time in my life, once upon a time, a fairy tale now to me as I do not remember.
Somehow I feel like there is a part of me somewhere. I mean I know I am not a twin, but somehow it feels like there is some part of me out there that I am yet to find.
Somehow I feel weird and a little crazy. I mean I know I am different, but sometimes I just wonder how different.
Somehow I know that somewhere out there, I will find an answer.

Somewhere out there, I know I would see it. If I only look and truly believe.
Somewhere in time, I know we would come together. I know I sound insane and fairy tale like, but I couldn't explain it to you other wise even if I tried.
Somewhere in life, I met someone and something. I say somewhere because I do not know if that place is in my past, present or my future. I do know that it was and still is a life changing experience.
Somewhere I do not know however, I feel like I lost it all.

Sometimes I feel like it is all a fantasy. Yet somehow, I know it's not all in my head. Somewhere out there I know there is an answer for me. I know I would find what I truly do seek.

...maybe it is all a fantasy, maybe it is all a figment of my imagination...but sometimes, I know and feel that somehow, I was, am, or am going to be connected to someone and something, and somewhere I would stop, and look back and realize that what I was searching for, I truly have found...

dear tiami...

Obsessed but unattached,
that's how life seems to bend
I know all about him,
when he's high to when he runs out of steam.
It's crazy cause every time it hurts,
Also partly because I ain't the one he trusts.

It would be easier if I understood it,
it would be easier if I knew how to work this "gift".
I mean why me?
Why can't the answer for once simply be plain to see?
It's crazy because every time it hurts,
Also partly because the story still is a blank spot.

I guess its because of his blood,
Maybe that's why I was called.
It's a weak point I have I know,
It's one I try so hard not to show.
It's crazy because every time it hurts,
And yet I can never see where exactly it cuts!

i do wish I could figure all this out.
Either that, or he would come about.
I do know how nicely it all plays in my head,
Us together as friends until the end.
But that for now remains a fantasy,
Something I might almost never see.
So for now, I want it to be clear though,
So its is known how my problem flows:
I truly am obsessed but unattached,
I need help, or I might soon get crazy and have my mind trashed...

So Tiami, do help fast...

...Deep down inside...

Deep down inside, I know its there.

Deep down inside, this I can't share.

Every night I fight to keep it down,

Sometimes I win, sometimes I end up being the clown.

Some days it'd be gone, or seem gone.

But then I know right back, it'd come once am alone.

I can't cry no more

Maybe 'av run out at the core.

The smiles are all a farce.

Fine, some do trully pass.

Each day I spend with one wish at the back of my mind.

Each day though, ain't no more one of a kind.

Today once again, Mi feels far away.

Today I have the urge once again to say:

Deep down inside I'm sad and feel the pain.

Deep down inside, I wish someone will come set me free...

cuando usted se minas....

me gustaría podía volar, Mosca lejos, lejos de aquí, dejar este mundo solitaria, y todos sus cuentos y recuerdos tristes detrás.Si él aquí, yo estaría todos mejor. Si él aquí, estoy seguro de que vida no sentirse como un melodrama o farsa!

Siempre sabía cuándo y cómo the mi sonrisa. El derecho violencia párr creo, el derecho cosas that the. Él sabía cuándo párr cuando dejar hablar y hablar. Es fácil libre alrededor de él. Vida siempre ha tenido un sol resplandeciente y una constante brisa, incluso en una estación lluviosa húmedo día!

me encanta él. Su ojos, sus oídos, su voz. La forma en que él ríe, la forma en que conversaciones. La forma en que él se mueve, las cosas que hace! Su el sentimiento más yo siempre digo, el darndest cosa de todos!

... pero quién es... sólo veo él en mis sueños, y desea para él en mi mente. A veces se siente que está en todas partes, soy, me mantener girando a ver si yo le captura. otras veces, parece que yo conocía desde un mundo diferente... Para cuando llega a mí en mi drams y me hace sonreír, cuando él me hace sentir liek el mundo trully puede ser un lecho de rosas, y que tiene que ir, él siempre dice las cosas fueron mejor cuando se le fueron mina...

This is mi...

Its a mystery I must confess,

this tale am about to tell.

Its a story with distress,

Tells how she rose and how she fell.

Its not a tale I like or know how to tell,

So bare with me if usted no entiende...

She is special- so she was told,

Eccentric, unfortunately, not so bold.

She had a smile to give,

And a heart upon which love lived.

She listened to it all,

the good, the bad, the ugly, in one ball!

Let me tell you the tale about this girl,

in who's eyes you see what you wanted to see,

in whose mind she is what she truly wants to be.

Behind that smile, yes, there is a heart of gold,

yet still behind the smile is a world of cold.

Let me tell you about she,

who hides it all from the world to let life be.

She gave up on total joy a while back,

she resigned to the fact that that too, she would for now lack.

Off the joy of others she feeds,

and for this reason, in them she plants happy seeds.

So in laughter she laughs with them,

and in tears, her pain is twice the same.

I cannot successfully tell you all about she,

for even I know not what that be.

A complex-web some call her,

a pleasant mystery, with none before her.

I wish I could let you in her world,

So you may see and not only hear my word.

The X's she loves, and them too she fears

If only she would let down her cares.

But once she tried and broke his heart,

She couldn't help it, and thats a fact.

So now when she knows, she runs quite far away!

Far and fast before he finds something to say.

For now the sun sets, and I must go,

For in the dark her horrors blow,

doomed to plague her ever waked soul.

Sometimes she is free, Sometimes she finds relief.

For total relief from her past she seeks to find,

A past that reoccurs and hunts her for years undefined.

The time has come and so I must be gone,

for this is all she would will me say and I am now done.

I know you do not understand her and that is fine.

But she does you and knows where, for your understanding,s he'd draw the line.

To the world she still remains an easy complex,

To the world she still lives in her facade of emotional success,

And thus she shall remain until her true conquest....

Am a star in their world,

But a bird still out in the cold.

With a voice the X's die for,

and a smile Y's crave for....

i am a joy to my Father,

A gem trying to run no farther...

...this is mi...