3 Months Down....

....4 years and some change to go.

Congratulations to mi, I just completed my first quarter of PhD graduate school. (Cheerrrrrsssss!!!!)
Here is the much procrastinated count down of 10 things I learned thus far. (Drum rolls!!!!)

10. Being stuck in a location filled with other psychologists (to-be) is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Hence, the appreciation of the quarter system.

9. On that note, completing the first quarter does not, as anticipated, bring with it a sense of relief. Simply more exhaustion.

8. Consistency and communication, among people in office is a thing of the 80s. Inconsistency is the norm now. So generalizability is not only unacceptable with clients, it is also unacceptable with school rules, regulations and instructions. Get with the program.

7. There is a high correlation between Starbucks' coffee sales and the level of tolerance psychologists (who are trained/training to deal with people's feelings) have for each other. If Starbucks is the go-to drug for the 'experts', why are millions still paying for experts??

6. There is, apparently, such a thing as a 'stupid question'.  It is a psychologist's/(to be) job to point that to you, in an ever so passive-aggressive (or what I like to call British polite) way.

5. It is very okay to stereotypically diagnose someone based on your 'cultural consideration'. Also okay to throw that out the window, if I deem an existence of 'clinical impairment'.

4. Saying 'xx is a thing' is, apparently, a thing.

3. The DSM was probably written by a bunch of individuals with a DSM diagnosis, some of whom are certifiable.... (shh, no telling).

2. Overthinking + Psychology classes = Nervous breakdown. Don't do it.

1. In psychology world, there is no such thing as a 'yes' or a 'no'. It ALWAYS depends.

And as a bonus: Kids in this state were raised differently from the rest of the world; AND; they think that it's normal.... 

Faked

She likes the night because she is free.
All is still at night, all is alone.
Thus the echoes of her loneliness blend right in.
The missing pieces in her smile go unnoticed.

She hates the day for she is bound.
The brightness shows it all, so she needs a mask.
To hide the tears and the emptiness of her heart.
And words to deafen the hallowing echoes from within.

Bleeding Coin

Lets flip a coin for your heart,
heads I have it,
tails you win.
Heads you quit and trust Mi,
tails you drag it all with you till hell.


Lets flip a coin for your heart,
heads I have it,
tails you win.
Heads you tell Mi why you won't trust anyone,
tails you get to keep your secret till hell.


Lets flip a coin for your heart,
heads I have it,
tails you win.
Heads you tell Mi how you really feel,
tails you get to be closed off till hell. 


Lets flip a coin for your heart,
heads I have it,
tails you win.
Heads you listen to Mi and my wishes for a change,
tails you get to be an asshole till hell.

When You are Mad

Why is it always like a roller coaster with you?? One minute you are smiling happily, and the next minute there is a war. She can't possibly make you happy, no matter how hard she tries. Yet you burden her with that seemingly impossible task. Fight as lovers, talk as friends, live as siblings and communicate as strangers. This undefined relationship is quite tasking.
But I guess this means nothing to you, as you don't care.
Selfish beyond comparison. It ached today. Funny how she feels nothing, but when it comes to pain, there seems to be a swinging door with a sign that reads 'Always Welcome'.
Sometimes you make her feel like the hopeless mistress, the other woman, in this illicit affair, where no one but you derives absolute pleasure. Which would be fine if this was so and you are always happy, but you are not and it is not.
You are miserable, and that's plain as day. All sides wish to curse you for forcing her to have to watch you willingly relive this nightmare that you call love, over and over till it seems you would break from it. All sides wish to curse you for putting her through this predicament and web of unwanted emotions. Yet as much as she wants to, she can't help but understand the fact that your sadness hurts her, and that it would be impossible for her to curse you. Even in jest.
Masochist you both are, no?? And I left to watch and wonder in semi disgust at the spectacle she makes, have to still look upon her with a weary eye. What happens to her with this game goes to far and she cannot separate herself from the web?? What happens to her if, by some miracle, you do get your fantasy dream??
You are both as similar as black is to white; as they are colors, and day is to night; as the are reps of time, yet just as different in some areas. You are both of the relationship between the sun and the moon, yet the part each of you plays is that is still but a mystery to Mi. I don't know if you are the sun and she the moon, or if she is the moon and you the sun sometimes. I do know you hurt her, in ways she can't even explain without coming off wrong.
*sigh
You would like to see her go wild?? Funny, the time seems close at hand....
These and much more I do ponder on when you are mad....

Resvoir Chronicles: My Protective Charm

He broke pieces of his heart and left them as we walked.
I walked behind him, sometimes beside him, and watched
them shatter as they fall.
We got to a great lake and there we stopped,
And I walked back to pick them all while he slept.

They were pretty colors of shades of red,
Glistered in the moon light for all to see.
I would have dropped them but for one thing,
Those pretty little pieces did still beat.

So sorrowful and painful was their tone,
that my heart ached and bleed for him.
So in this box I have gathered and mended,
till they now form one sorrowful beat.

I add each piece as it falls,
remending the parts he has lost.
And until that day when his heart is none,
And he comes to mi with a plea to go on.

Till that day when his heart is none,
and I must return that I have to let him live on.
Within my chains of protective charm,
shall the pieces remain locked, protected, sealed and
Unharmed.

Seductive Illusion

She sits and smiles at the clear blue skies,
In just a moment he would come by,
In just a moment she would look up and smile.
He holds out the flowers and box of chocolate,
Perfect date it seems, till she tries to receive,
and finds out when its too late.
The pictures crumble,
Her smile fumbles.
Suddenly the skies are not so blue,
His image no longer true.
The bell rings and she opens her eyes,
A tear rolls down as she remembers and cries.
Remembers once more her perfect world of lies.
Yet another flirty moment with a seductive illusion.

1012: Did....do....forever do....

Tomorrow did come.
Time did continue.
The world did rotate, still.
Babies did still gain life.
Birds did fly.
Buildings did go up.
My pain did still remain.

Love did begin.
Lovers did end.
Laughter did ring.
People did graduate.
Prayers did get answered.
Parties did get crashed.
My pain did still remain.

Some years did go by.
Some thoughts of you did make mi smile.
Some tales of you did make mi cry.
Forty-five minutes they say it did take.
Four minutes they say it did take as well.
For mi, an instant was all there was - and my world did shatter.

I miss you my angels, and though the sun did sine latter....I did, do and forever will miss you.

...Their tears...

Rain drops.
Slow but steady, coming with a mission.
Slowly picking up pace, mission in sight.
They say those are the tears of God,
Then he must cry a lot,
More than I do I guess.

Rain drops,
melodious weeping,
You long to aid the weeper,
But don't, for the melody would seize.
So you stare out lost in the sound,
Mesmerized by the drops,
And trapped in the guilt of prayers for more.

Rain drops,
Do I trade in my sorrows for more of the melody?
Do I pretend I want to take the pain and make it stop?

The sun would shine again,
No doubt.
The tears would end sometime,
No doubt.
But for these few minutes,
For this time soon to become a memory,
Let mi enjoy this guilty-pleasure.

Rain drops,
The salt-less tears fall to earth,
Crystal clear, each unique note,
And when they hit the ground,
Just before the death of that unique pain the weeper feels,
A sound so wondrous,
A sound so unique,
A sound like no other,
My ears perceive.

Sorry...

I truly am sorry.
I don't know what else to say to make it right.
I don't know how else to say it to make it all go away.
I know what I am going to do would truly hurt you,
I also know that I am going to have to do it anyway.
If there was another way, truly I would have gone in that direction.
You have to understand, this is not about you. It has never been about you. this is all about me.
You see, I am very different. You don't know me, and am afraid I truly don't want you to.
I have lived this long and so far only because of the way I live now, and I cannot change that now. For now, I guess I feel am fine the way I am. I feel safe as I am. I know I have hurt you, and that I am not making any sense. Believe me, I really do. I truly understand how you feel, but then you don't understand how I feel, and I can't say it to you. Don't ask me why, thats not important right now.
I guess all am truly and really trying to say is that...I am sorry...from the bottom of my heart...you truly have to believe that, for if you don't believe me, then I sincerely do not know what I would do.
Please believe me, and trust me, this is all for the best. Trust me.

Mi

Sometimes, Somehow, Somewhere...

Sometimes I feel like I am meant to fly, to fly and go some place else.
Sometimes I feel like I am missing something, or am searching for something that I still do not know.
Sometimes I wish it would all come clear, that it would all make some sense to me no matter how little.
Sometimes I feel like some things are clues. That some how, some things have happened and my tomorrow and yesterday are too linked and affect my today more than usual.

Somehow I feel like there was once upon a time in my life, once upon a time, a fairy tale now to me as I do not remember.
Somehow I feel like there is a part of me somewhere. I mean I know I am not a twin, but somehow it feels like there is some part of me out there that I am yet to find.
Somehow I feel weird and a little crazy. I mean I know I am different, but sometimes I just wonder how different.
Somehow I know that somewhere out there, I will find an answer.

Somewhere out there, I know I would see it. If I only look and truly believe.
Somewhere in time, I know we would come together. I know I sound insane and fairy tale like, but I couldn't explain it to you other wise even if I tried.
Somewhere in life, I met someone and something. I say somewhere because I do not know if that place is in my past, present or my future. I do know that it was and still is a life changing experience.
Somewhere I do not know however, I feel like I lost it all.

Sometimes I feel like it is all a fantasy. Yet somehow, I know it's not all in my head. Somewhere out there I know there is an answer for me. I know I would find what I truly do seek.

...maybe it is all a fantasy, maybe it is all a figment of my imagination...but sometimes, I know and feel that somehow, I was, am, or am going to be connected to someone and something, and somewhere I would stop, and look back and realize that what I was searching for, I truly have found...

dear tiami...

Obsessed but unattached,
that's how life seems to bend
I know all about him,
when he's high to when he runs out of steam.
It's crazy cause every time it hurts,
Also partly because I ain't the one he trusts.

It would be easier if I understood it,
it would be easier if I knew how to work this "gift".
I mean why me?
Why can't the answer for once simply be plain to see?
It's crazy because every time it hurts,
Also partly because the story still is a blank spot.

I guess its because of his blood,
Maybe that's why I was called.
It's a weak point I have I know,
It's one I try so hard not to show.
It's crazy because every time it hurts,
And yet I can never see where exactly it cuts!

i do wish I could figure all this out.
Either that, or he would come about.
I do know how nicely it all plays in my head,
Us together as friends until the end.
But that for now remains a fantasy,
Something I might almost never see.
So for now, I want it to be clear though,
So its is known how my problem flows:
I truly am obsessed but unattached,
I need help, or I might soon get crazy and have my mind trashed...

So Tiami, do help fast...

...Deep down inside...

Deep down inside, I know its there.

Deep down inside, this I can't share.

Every night I fight to keep it down,

Sometimes I win, sometimes I end up being the clown.

Some days it'd be gone, or seem gone.

But then I know right back, it'd come once am alone.

I can't cry no more

Maybe 'av run out at the core.

The smiles are all a farce.

Fine, some do trully pass.

Each day I spend with one wish at the back of my mind.

Each day though, ain't no more one of a kind.

Today once again, Mi feels far away.

Today I have the urge once again to say:

Deep down inside I'm sad and feel the pain.

Deep down inside, I wish someone will come set me free...

cuando usted se minas....

me gustaría podía volar, Mosca lejos, lejos de aquí, dejar este mundo solitaria, y todos sus cuentos y recuerdos tristes detrás.Si él aquí, yo estaría todos mejor. Si él aquí, estoy seguro de que vida no sentirse como un melodrama o farsa!

Siempre sabía cuándo y cómo the mi sonrisa. El derecho violencia párr creo, el derecho cosas that the. Él sabía cuándo párr cuando dejar hablar y hablar. Es fácil libre alrededor de él. Vida siempre ha tenido un sol resplandeciente y una constante brisa, incluso en una estación lluviosa húmedo día!

me encanta él. Su ojos, sus oídos, su voz. La forma en que él ríe, la forma en que conversaciones. La forma en que él se mueve, las cosas que hace! Su el sentimiento más yo siempre digo, el darndest cosa de todos!

... pero quién es... sólo veo él en mis sueños, y desea para él en mi mente. A veces se siente que está en todas partes, soy, me mantener girando a ver si yo le captura. otras veces, parece que yo conocía desde un mundo diferente... Para cuando llega a mí en mi drams y me hace sonreír, cuando él me hace sentir liek el mundo trully puede ser un lecho de rosas, y que tiene que ir, él siempre dice las cosas fueron mejor cuando se le fueron mina...

This is mi...

Its a mystery I must confess,

this tale am about to tell.

Its a story with distress,

Tells how she rose and how she fell.

Its not a tale I like or know how to tell,

So bare with me if usted no entiende...

She is special- so she was told,

Eccentric, unfortunately, not so bold.

She had a smile to give,

And a heart upon which love lived.

She listened to it all,

the good, the bad, the ugly, in one ball!

Let me tell you the tale about this girl,

in who's eyes you see what you wanted to see,

in whose mind she is what she truly wants to be.

Behind that smile, yes, there is a heart of gold,

yet still behind the smile is a world of cold.

Let me tell you about she,

who hides it all from the world to let life be.

She gave up on total joy a while back,

she resigned to the fact that that too, she would for now lack.

Off the joy of others she feeds,

and for this reason, in them she plants happy seeds.

So in laughter she laughs with them,

and in tears, her pain is twice the same.

I cannot successfully tell you all about she,

for even I know not what that be.

A complex-web some call her,

a pleasant mystery, with none before her.

I wish I could let you in her world,

So you may see and not only hear my word.

The X's she loves, and them too she fears

If only she would let down her cares.

But once she tried and broke his heart,

She couldn't help it, and thats a fact.

So now when she knows, she runs quite far away!

Far and fast before he finds something to say.

For now the sun sets, and I must go,

For in the dark her horrors blow,

doomed to plague her ever waked soul.

Sometimes she is free, Sometimes she finds relief.

For total relief from her past she seeks to find,

A past that reoccurs and hunts her for years undefined.

The time has come and so I must be gone,

for this is all she would will me say and I am now done.

I know you do not understand her and that is fine.

But she does you and knows where, for your understanding,s he'd draw the line.

To the world she still remains an easy complex,

To the world she still lives in her facade of emotional success,

And thus she shall remain until her true conquest....

Am a star in their world,

But a bird still out in the cold.

With a voice the X's die for,

and a smile Y's crave for....

i am a joy to my Father,

A gem trying to run no farther...

...this is mi...

The trilogy: My word...

U know when you are down under water, then after a while u start loosing oxygen and u need to come up for air? Well I think thats what happened to me, except that I actually came up almost too late, thus my almost drowning fiasco of last night.

I have never felt the way I felt last night. Do you know what it means to almost drown in yourself? Well I got that feeling for the first time last night. I felt like crying, laughing, screaming, dieing, living, running and hurting myself all at once. It was scary. One minute I was fine, and the next, I wanted out. Don't ask me out of what or where, cause I honestly can't say. I just felt I needed to let it out or get out of it! I guess was simply tired of being with myself. It's like being stuck in a cave with someone for too long, especially one of the same sex. You try to relax and enjoy the time at first, then you get bored, then tired, then frustrated, then sick of the person, and then you feel the desperate need to get out! The mere thought of going to bed, to be awoken to the sight of the same person is a "day mere" horrifying enough to keep you awake! Yet when you are awake, all you see is the same person and you are not sure which is the better option.

I might have drowned last night, and I would be telling a different tale from a different location right now, but the mere fact that I did not is proof that there really is a God. He has a way of intervening at the nick of time! But I must admit, it was a really terrifying experience. I cannot explain it properly. Here the cliche "experience is the best teacher" comes to play, yet I do not wish this experience for anyone I know!

They say life is what you make it, but am living proof that that is not always true. Sometimes you are given a scene to play in life that you never trained for. A scene that is totally not in you league. The thing about the stage in life is that once you are to play a part and the scene comes on, you cannot run off stage unless that is in your script. No matter how fast you think you are, or how hard you try to run, it is and would remain the same scene you are to star in for as long as it lasts.

Last night I learnt again one very true meaning and function of a friend. If you really think you are a loner, or that being one would sooth you best, think again. I tell you, it is better to live with someone and get sick of that person, that to live with yourself and get sick of yourself too... With someone, you can choose to ignore, be pissed, but you would get over it. With yourself, it is impossible to shut the voice in your head without hurting yourself. You just need a Father that knows when to step in like mine, and always has the right answer to all problems...

...take my word for it, the voice in your head should never be given enough liberty to control you, for it would destroy you in the end...

Random thoughts...

OK for those of you who knew this, you remember when God created the earth? He pretty much created everything with one purpose you know- live, reproduce, and just hang around and eat. Man was the only one who had extra activity, and that was to play babysitter/king whichever way you want to look at it. But who would have guessed that jumping from tree to tree and just living wasn't good enough for him! Noooo! he just had to run along and start questioning everything! Then he decided to give it all answers - I mean he asked and he answered, isn't that a typical busy body! -and then pass the message down his lineage! I mean It's bad enough he chose to via away from the original pattern of life God had chosen for him, couldn't he at least have allowed his descendants to fall back in line!



And the worst of the lot are the physicists, exp the astronomers! Why would I, or any one else for that matter, want to know about life and other forms on other planets!?!? I mean we get the fact that earth ain't special - thanks to Copernicus and Galileo's busy-bodyness - why must we be sour losers!?!?! You've lost! Sorry, you ain't the special COA of the universe, give it a rest already! But noooo- am starting to like that word - you've just gotta find out something to break that!

I mean even their own kind - Michelson - said everything there was to discover has been discovered, and all else is in the 6Th decimal. But a certain somebody thought there were two more questions left, so then he brings up the atoms! The atoms for crying out loud! They are meant to be invincible. Hello, not to be seen, don't know they exist, background, not there, pretend you don't know me, invisible!! And this was even in the 80'!! It's what,the 21st century? science is no where near closing down, yet then they said they had just two more questions and then they were done.

The person I feel for the most is God. When man makes it to heaven - even those going the other way - he's gonna be like "How did you make that tree?" and "Uh why are the trees different, how do you do that?" and "Uh can you teach me to do that?" and "Uh so how did you get here?!"
It's like we try to give an explanation for everything. We want to make sure everything blends and agrees with all our rules and laws. And if we don't have laws to work something, hell we simply make more laws and force it down the throat of others! How much different life would have been, if all we had to do was play, live and go tree-hopping...

...well what do you know? All this drama simply because my astronomy teacher said we'd be having a test yesterday, kept me reading for 6hrs straight, got me worked up, pissed, stressed and pretty much feeling dumb about a long list of stuff, only to give me 5 "true-or-false-right-the-letters-T-or-F-only" kind of test...But hey, like I said, it's random thoughts...

Hope this didn't offend anybody :)

tres amigos...

Well that's definitely stretching it but what ever. We remind mi of them, in a way, so I'd leave it as thus and get on with my tale. Remember how there are those three, either two boys and a girl or a boy and two girls. Well in this case the latter is the case.

The boy is the brain of the group. Well technically I don't know this for sure, but as far as Astronomy is concerns, he is the only one who had any physics foundation so that gives him the title. (Hey! Someones gotta have it) He is sporty- i.e. rides a scooter, fun and funny and loves the cubs (I don't know why that's important, but it is).

Then there is the girl. She is in the LBC (don't try to understand that). She's definitely lost when it comes to the one thing they all share, Astronomy. But she is a musical person. I mean she plays an instrument. You can say shes the brain in other aspects like... (OK if we were tres amigos, I would be able to finish that). But she is funny, forever laughing, and it seems like not a darn thing in the world can fase her! She is the jolly one of the group. Yeah and she is not a cubs fan.

Then there is mi. As usual, the average player. She doesn't know anything about the sport they love, so she's not on any side. Definitely is not the brains in the class, but she does know something here and there when it comes to the subject. She knows more maths - which is amazing - than the girl. They laugh at everything together. They are both always lost, which is fine. Everyone loves company right? Well she still retains her post as the worrier of the group. She worries about missing class, being alone when she does get to class, and the most vital point of all, she worries that her fantasy, this fantasy of the tres amigos, remains what it is now, only a fantasy...

It's really easy to get carried away in one's fantasy. For her, it's even easier. She's got no friends in the real sense of the word- people you walk with, chat with and ACTUALLY have something to talk about, laugh with, and do everything crazily possible with. None around her anyway. Her roommate is, and would remain, a blessing. She is her friend to a point...no comments here... her church people, and did I mention she is christian? Well they are awesome, the best you can ever want. But then she remains a patriotic teenager. It's no ones fault they still leave her feeling empty and alone inside. She tries not to show it, but sometimes it wants to get out. Sometimes she just wants to scream and shout. Sometimes she wants to cry out. And yet other times, she just wants to talk to someone. To let it all out, to cry on a shoulder and know that after this, it would all be okay...

So the tres amigos have a fun life as it seems. Being crazy and living crazy, as long as the line permits. Little did they know though, that out of one lonely girls fantasy were they born. And in that same fantasy will they remain, if her worst fears are to come true....

...Only hope...

Theres a song thats inside of my soul,


Its the one that I've tried to write over and over again.


I awake in the infinite cold,


but you sing to me over and over and over again.





So I lay my head back down,


and I lift my hands and pray,


to be only yours,


I pray to be only your


I know now, you're my only hope...

- Only Hope, Mandy Moore

For some reason, I cant get this song out of my mind. Each time I hear, sing or hum it, it seems to reach a part of me. a part I cannot reach, yet I know I need to reach some how. A part I cannot understand. I think that's why I keep playing it. I try to understand it, try to see if it would make and bring some sense into my world. Each time I hear it, it brings a sense of...hope. I try to put it down in words, try to write it down, what ever it is. I try to see if I can understand it that way, but am not so lucky.

...Am cold...

It's the strangest and darndest thing you know. This feeling. To be cold both on the outside and ont he inside. I try and I try,but it cant seem to reach the many sources of warmth. There are people all around me, but I seem to have faded away, or blended into the background, because they really don't seem to know am here. I seem to be in another world, of a different time and place. Like am watching them from from another world, viewing them from a tinted glass. They all look warm from here. Inside, outside or even both ways for some! It's only me in this cold dark world.





...am awake in the infinite cold...you're my only hope...





Can't anyone hear me? My words seem to bounce back to me over and over again. It feels like am going under. I try to leave this world but its locked from the other side. I yell, scream, beg and plead. But nothing happens. Then you come along. Itry to scream again, but you walk by. you don't hear me. You don't see me.





Don't walk away from me I beg you! O please don't walk away! Don't walk away please, come back! Come back and set me free...You walk on as my voice fades. With the last strength and will I have, I wisper "come back...

...You're my only hope...

When is my now?

There is a darker side of Mi, one I fear the most. It is not because I do not know what it can do, it is rather the opposite. I try to fight it, I really do. Sometimes i win, most times I loose.It has a force too strong for the known Mi to handle. They say everyone has got their dark side, some people live through life without it coming up,k because they fought well,or had a good and strong army to help. Some people simply surrender to it without a fight, and their true side is not known to all. they are only identified by this dark side. Then there are those who try to fight it. Sometimes they win, most times they loose.

I always dream and wish. But like they say, if wishes were horses, poor men would ride. But I still wish anyway. Hoping that some day, someone would hear my cry and show me the way out. I see the way out, I just do not know how to get there. Each time I try and run to it, I think I have reached and I'm out. But I soon find my self in an even darker corner of this cage. A corner worse than the last one I was in. And then I cannot return to my last corner, as it seems like a heaven in contrast with my new hell, which seemed obviously closer to the way out for me now.

Once I had the life of the first class. I lived without the fear of this other me, I lived without the fear of the unknown. But then I tresspassed, and now I pay the price. This is why I say I wish I was ten again. When I unleashed this bitter evil upon myself. Life then seems like a dream to me now, one I can hardly even believe ever existed!

I have been told though that there is hope, there is a way out. They say there is a savior, and that he goes around rescuing those who he hears calling for help. I have called and cried, and each time I think I am crying louder, I feel am sinking deeper. Now I fear that I might be too deep for him to hear me. But they say nothing is too deep for him, this mysterious savior. They say he can reach even the darkest beyond, a place I dreed more than I care to share. Shall I still hang on? Do I still wait?

So here I lie in a new domain that I have run too. A fresh hidding place from my self. I fear Mi, I fear what I can do and I fear that I may do. What I do not want to do. I wish I could be bold like the others, or ignorant like the child. I wish I could tell how to get myself out of this, or go back in time and stop myself from getting into this. I ask myself why I do these things? I ask myself if I can stop myself in the end? Once I thought the answer to my last question was yes, but now I've learnt the hard way, that it is no. More like a hell no!

So I wait for the only one who is said to be able to set me free. I have met him, and I have felt him, but I have also lost him. I plead for another chance, and for help not to screw it this time. I plead for redemtion, and for a way out of this. I hate myself. This new darker me. I hate the lies and hypocracy it makes me play. I wish for a time when I can look back and know all this is in the past. I wish for a time I can look back and, like my other life, see all this as only a dream. I look up out of my cage, and with tears in my eyes, I plead for mercy. With tears in my eyes, I ask for help. And with tears in my eyes, I long to know "when is my now?"

Once upon a time

Once upon a time she was sure she had a definite answer, once she was sure she could tell. Once she was sure about her days.Once she was sure, but that was all once before. Many people say life sucks. They have friends, family and people around who love them and would shed tears at their death. She has all of those, except those around. Sometimes in life, those around are the ones that count the most. 
Once she had a tablet made of gold, telling where her life began and where it ended, for all to behold. The tablet stayed, but her beholders did fade.

Once upon a time I made a mistake I now pay for. Once upon a time I was ten, and I started something I now wish to stop. When you get a ball rolling from up hill, it is really hard to get it to stop when you want it to. It is not impossible, but it it impossibly difficult to do so. The best advice people often give is don't get the ball stated anyway. Why didn't anyone tell me this before I let it go? Now when I try to tell someone I want to stop, they ask why I ever started! It's hard enough gathering the courage to tell, it gets worse - the feeling - when you get that question!

Once upon a time I lived for a purpose, and that purpose I truly could tell. I was sure of it and even sure of the end, until fate took her stand and sent me off course again. I'm lost in a world of the unknown. Lost in a place and time of different circumstances from my last. I walk a lonely road in this new place. No one would help me for long, everyone is a friend to the new era. I alone seem lost, I alone seem alone. I alone seem to be caught between two worlds, one I wish for and one am given. I talk alot - mostly to my self - about the things that go on. All those who love me are far away, and when I try to talk to them, they say it will be okay. Is it I alone who knows that "will" is an indefinite term? Is it I alone who knows that "will" is synonymous for undefined? So I stick to me, because I can see what is going on truly, and I know better than to tell me it "will" be okay!

So each night when I lie in my bed, I dream. I dream about a world now far away, a world where tomorrow was known today. I dream of a time when the birds could sing, and I could tell their next lines before they got to them. I dream of a time when I had a plan, when things did not just happen, where fate lent a hand and did not lend a blow!

But most of all, I dream of Once Upon a Time...