Insane Child 101...

So I think I am driving myself slowly yet surely, closer and closer to insanity. One of the many ways I am trying to accomplish this, is the fact that now I am worried and terrified about my dream - which is what it is as of now - to go to graduate school in Japan and study IR. Of course the fact that I do want to go there in the first place, to some, is a sign of insanity already, so there is that. But since I long stopped giving a flying ass about what people think, that is not a tag on my insanity spill...lol...

I got a book about going to graduate school, but half way through, It felt weird reading it. Plus I still have no idea what 'research' plan I want to do when I get in. Of course lets not forget that my legendary dream school would be none other than the International University of Japan, which so happens to be on the top 50...yup...in the world! So technically, yours truly is aiming for an ivy-leagueish school...

Did I forget that my dearest papa knows nothing of all these plans? As far as he is concerned, his 。。。, *cough* I mean daughter, is going into the School of business probably (though she is under the illusion that she wants criminology), in the United States...Ivy-league too. Well at least we both are on point on the Ivy-leagueness of the school. lol

Then there is the fact that I cant stop thinking. Like for a second, I just cant. Something always pops up. It seems like my 'to-do-list' keeps getting longer and longer, and the more I try to get the things done, the more the pages turn...like "oh don't relax yet, there are a few more things left"...and no, it is definitely not the regular 'to do list' that humans have...no, no...mine is special...lol.

And then there is 'he who must not be named', who, for reasons I cannot fathom, can't shut up long enough for me to even think straight, and won't leave...well more like cannot leave, so I am stuck with him for God-knows how long! I cannot decide which is worse, the constant yapping, or the permanently "I know you are gonna have a near break down soon" look on his face...

Maybe I should...I don't know...I really don't know...right now though, I have to go study. Sure I aced the last test without a lot of review, but I am pretty sure, from experience, miracles happen once in a while...

Bleeding

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out for mi.
Let me see the crimson color of sin,
that lies beneath your smooth skin.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out your heart.
Let me bask in the sorrows it encompasses,
and watch you struggle to weep with a soundless voice.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out your soul.
Let me see the scars that appear each time they speak,
and watch them form a gaping hole as they spread.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out for mi.
Let it all out from the slit.
For then alone, at the sight of red, would I recall that you are human.

Both sides of the coin

I adore your smile.
The way it starts, spreads, lights up and brightens the world.
I abhor your smile.
The way you let it out, hide your feelings and lie to the world.

I adore your laughter.
It's gentle sound, characteristically unique, in a cute way.
I abhor your laughter,
It's icy state, cold and uncaring, a response to all things.

I adore your voice.
Smooth and silky, seductive when you want it to be.
I abhor your voice.
Easy and always, destructive all but when you are in a fantasy.

I adore your fingers.
Gorgeous and delicate, a beauty to behold.
I abhor your fingers.
Cutting and touching, easily doing damage to your soul; uncaring.

I adore your eyes,
Sensuous and seductive, they can bring a player to the point of game over.
I abhor your eyes.
Devilish deceiver, Oh if only looks could kill.

I adore your life.
Pampered and un-lacking. Being broke was never in your DNA.
I abhor your life.
Leashed and chained. Your comfort comes at the price of freedom.

I defy the laws quite bravely,
Because in you, i get both sides of the coin.

Aimless

Is it even possible for a normal person to be bored though they are supposedly very busy with a lot of shit to do?
Well I guess there is no big shocker there...the fact that I find time to be permanently bored and sick of life, and in need of something to do when I have classes, homework, movies and all the etcetera humans tend to call 'activities', just goes further to show that I am too complicated for even 'life' itself to figure out.
lol
My friend asked me last week what my 'aim' was... for the summer at least, not in life.
I swear to you that I was silent for exactly sixty seconds.
Blank.
Blank..
Blank...
I had no response to that.
I flashed back and realized shockingly that a few months ago, unknowingly to me, I became a robot. My life was programmed by many forces, and 'mi' was put on the shelf. Like I took a vacation or something, forced one at that, and my life has been on auto-pilot since then. Worse still, I have no freaking clue how to turn that off.
Plus even if I find the switch, when I turn it off, I am inevitably going to be faced with the question "now what?" And since I am yet clueless, my life would come to an alarming halt.
In case you can't tell from my tone of alarm above, that is some freaking scary shit!!
WTF is going on with mi?
Oh but my sudden blank state is not even the very scary part...oh no. As sick and twisted as I have become, that would just be too easy.
No, no.
The scariest part is that I am neither content, comfortable nor scared of this current state. I don't even give a shit...I feel...NOTHING!
zilch, nada, betsuni....no fucking thing (PMF)...
Oh of course except the boredom...that one I can't get rid of...
So what do you do when you find out that your life, for a while now, has had no aim????
I guess it would be a lie to say I feel nothing...but saying I feel amused by the situation simply goes further to confirm how fucked up in the head I have become...(PMF).
So for fear of becoming psycho, I earnestly seek an aim...at least for this summer...

Blank Roses

You wait eagerly for dawn,
and as soon as the day breaks,
you await the night fall with even more longing.

You are like that silly teenage girl, who just had her first crush.
You stand impatiently waiting for him to pass by,
on his way to life of course.
And once he passes by, you instantly await his return,
moving by you, once more, on his way again.

So in that second between night and day,
In the time when the world is neither here nor there,
Neither light nor dark,
I choose to tell you this,
as your attention is waver-able.

Waiting, longing, wishing, hoping...wanting...
Doesn't it bother you that you continue this pattern knowing not what you die slowly for?
Does it not make you sad to follow through with this daily?
It sickens me to have to watch you so.
Like a junkie, you chase after the next high.
Well aware of the implications after the buzz is gone.
Aimless, you wonder the earth, simply doing things because one told you to.

In case you were not aware,
I do loathe you.
I loathe the way you have perfected your fake smiles for the world;
While inside, behind closed doors, I am forced to watch you wither in the abject misery you have dumped yourself and cannot escape.

I do loather you.
I loathe the fact that you neither laugh nor cry.
You simply sit, and in sitting, wait.
With each day and each night that pass,
you simply watch.
Then at it's dawn,
You pause...
Wait...
And then gently sigh.
As if to say 'Ah, not here yet? Well maybe at the next turn."
What the hell is it you wait, pathetically, for?
I cannot even ask you this, because you yourself are at a loss.

Yet as much as I seem to despise you,
I cannot leave you.
It is not merely because we are bound to each other.
Maybe because I do need you?
I fear that abandoning you would kill you,
and that it is a fate I too would not survive.
Our hearts only beat as one...when it does beat...
I want you all to myself, yet near you,
I want you far from me.

So I guess we are alike in our indecisiveness.
Just yours puts us in a blank dark world.
Unable to move forward or backwards, we remain lost.
Watching life and waiting for...I guess...a part of life.
This state I clearly despise...and I feel deep down, do you too.

I adore and abhor you,
You adore and abhor Mi.
But this knowledge does make us the safest for each other, does it not?
You for Mi,
Mi for you.
Thy peace art mine,
As mine art thine...or the lack of it there of.

Her Own World

The world she created, the world she was forced into.
The world she dreads, the world; her safe haven.
the world she adores, the world she abhors.
The world she constantly wants to flee from, the world she never wants to leave.
The world she was free from, the world she was chained to.
The world she watched, the world she stared in.
The world she longed for, the world she had.

This was it.

This was her tragedy, this was her beloved.
This was her blessing, this was her curse.
This was her creation, this was her destruction.
Of what world do I speak,
if not of her own world?

MI

...Still heart...

In fear she smiles,
In pain she laughs.
When tears are shed,
she sheds some too;
But hers are strangely of joy....not the emotion,
Just the laughter that embodies it.

In their pain,
She is at a loss.
She cant seem to come up with a way to console,
Because while they cry tears, possibly bleeding from the heart,
She is in awe of their emotions.

She listens and gazes in wonder,
Almost happy and giddy, fighting back the constant urge to laugh,
Which seems more of the beast than a beauty at times...
Waltzing before her, seeming to taunt her as it moves.

How is it that they can cry so freely and release their pain,
Yet she remains trapped as she is,
Doomed to not feel, and when she does seem to feel,
To only laugh? For when she tries hard to free her emotions,
She is sent back to the day they died.
As though cursed with only two choices:
To stay as she is, or return to when she stopped.

The pain is unbearable,
Like a knife twisting through her heart,
Seeming unable to decide if it should kill her or let her live.
Yet to feel again she must start from there,
Like time there froze, awaiting her return.

But the worst times are when they shed those tears,
And when she cares for them as best as she is capable,
But is unable to render any form of comfort to them in those times.
For weird and sad as it seems, her first instinct is to laugh when they cry!
And no, this is not in spite or in jest, for in her own way, she feels their pain.
But that is the only emotional symbol that remained unchained
So though she laughs, it does not mean she is happy,
For by no means is that so!

One asked if there was one thing she couldn't do,
That seemed to fascinate her.
For how do you answer that for all the many wonders I can perform,
I simply cannot be happy?
How do you answer that for all the many wonders I can perform,
The act of feeling is but a mystery to me?

In fear she smiles,
In pain she laughs,
Is there no other way to free her from this blissful-doom,
Than the other alternative which seems so intent on killing her with each try?

...Summer tears...

He wrote this for me, and I feel now I should let you see,
Just as he left it, so shall I let it be:

WHERE HEARTS HAVE CROSSED

A STAR HAS FALLEN

TO GIVE RISE TO A NEW SEASON

WHERE LIPS HAVE TOUCHED

A SPARK IS ARISEN

WITH EVERY DOUBT CASCADING

WHERE LOVE IS LOST

A FLAME FLICKERS OUT

IN HOPE OF ANOTHER TOMORROW

WHERE BLISS IS ATTAINED

A NEW LIFE AWAITS

WHERE TWO MAKE A VOW

WHERE FOR WORSE,POORE, OR IN SICKNESS

"TILL DEATH..." KEEPS THE PROMISE................

Did I cry? Aye, but not nearly enough...just the amount my frozen heart would let me squeeze out...
Do I mis him? Aye, not nearly over the shock...more than my frozen heart is meant to feel....

And no I dare say, we were neither lovers, nor potentially so....
Simply two people whose time clocks ticked together for a while in times past, until one ran out and the other was left yet alone again...

...Bitter-sweet Sacrifice...

My, my,
This is what I see,
My, my,
we are meant to be.
My, my,
But I'm most peculiarly,
Almost not interested in you.

My, my,
Is this real and true,
My, my,
do your dreams hunt you?
My, my,
I'm afraid to sleep,
For nightmares are all I see.

My, my,
You believe in fate?
My, my,
Is my destiny set?
My, my,
Shall I hover still,
or call it a day with a knife at my wrist.

My, my,
Its a wedding day.
My, my,
I seem to be the star.
My, my,
Shall I first say I do?
Then put the bullet through before you.

My, my,
Its a mystery still,
My, my,
Why I detest you so,
My, my,
Shall i tell the tale,
Or let you imagine what you feel.

My, my,
I do believe you're fake,
My, my,
But in my father's eyes,
My, my,
You are all there is,
And there seems should be.

My, my,
So I guess guess its time.
My, my,
For a reason I don't know why,
My, my,
That sound just wont stop,
Until I opened my eyes...

My, my,
Its your dream come true,
My, my,
I guess I lost to you.
My my,
But when I watched the blood flow,
I imagined your face when you return....

My, my,
Your dream came true,
My nightmares were real,
...And to end that, I had to kill both...

Romeo + Juliet

Would you still, knowingly, leave me,
after you know I have waited for so long?
Would you still, with a smile, leave me,
after you know how I fared the last time you were gone?

And so it came to pass,
that you walked, and I broke.
I chased after you through that field of flowers,
To me a maze, to you a memorable path.

Did you ever look back?
I think you heard me calling,
For even the birds paused to listen to my voice.
Or did you really go deaf?

Deaf to my heart's beat and the sound of my pain,
Deaf to the music of my tears and the wishes at my lips,
Deaf to the whispers in my hands, and the pleas in my knees.
But then you stopped.

I froze, afraid to take a breath least I send you aflight.
I froze, praying you finally cared more and I was done crying.
I realized. Then I ran. But it was too late.
You only paused to think, never for my sake.

The blood spread around, slowly, like it had a destination in mind,
You stared up at me then smiled, then shut your eyes to the world.
Ironic it is, isn't it, that I got my wish at the very end?
Yet I wish now that you had stared someplace else, at the sky maybe.

So you still left even after my pleas,
So like you to leave in style, making a master piece with beauty, pain and sin.
And that smile at last, you knew didn't you?
That this time I would smile and not cry for you.

I stare down the maze in my white dress,
I know you heard me, for even the annoying preacher's voice carries from a mile away,
Speaking of life, こい, heaven and hell.
I told them you fell and your wish was to dwell amongst the flowers.

Some people think I killed you, in my deranged yet psycho state.
So they try to stare me down, which would have worked in times past.
But we both know the truth you and I, sick and sweetly as it is,
It was for a dramatic reason you chose these fields,
though I wonder if you got you desired answer in the end.

So like you to draw your own conclusions, that I would be better off,
So like you to believe I would remember you for life,
So like you to be right always.
I am better off as my heart's still and my smile fixed.
I am better off as I remember you in semi-hatred, as the cause of my dead-yet-alive state.

As I set myself aflight, I wonder how it would be.
Would there be more flowers, smiles or a welcome party too?
But as I lay here still in the cold, as the darkness comes,
I understand that smile of yours at the end.
Alas my dear, It's just as anti-climatic down here, as it was watching you from up there.