Companions vs Friends

'In America, what we mostly have are companions....a friend is someone you can call at 2am and not feel guilty; someone you can turn to when something goes wrong....'

Finally, it clicked. 

Being in Cali for over a year, I've struggled with this. I could not understand what was wrong, or why the idea of friendship I grew up knowing, wasn't making sense here. I spoke to my therapist a number of times about this. Telling her everyone I meet makes mi feel lonely because they don't feel like friends. Her response has always been, 'well there are different kinds of friends. You have friends you do your nails with; friends you study with.,,,' but that explanation never made sense to mi. Why are there different types of friends when there is only one definition?? Why have I never encountered this before now after all these years?? 

Because for the first time, I am finally experiencing America. They say Cali is the 'real' America; because it embraces the real culture of the country. Being an individual; looking out for the 'self'; having boundaries; land of the free. 

Rather than lonely, this realization made mi both relieved and sad. Relieved because I can finally accept 'it's not mi'. Sad because this is it. 

My friend once told mi 'if you stay here too long, you'll loose yourself'. So the battle against that is on. 

I came to the realization a while back. But having a term for all this....I have many companions here, friends however....

to be continued....

Facing Fears: Paddle Boarding + 100 Days Rekindled

Today, I went paddle boarding.
For those who don't know, that is basically kayaking on a surf board.
For those who know mi, you reaction right now is very appropriate: Really?? Where?? Are you kidding?? On the ocean??
Yup.
I didn't know what it was when I signed up (note to self, always ask before you say 'yes'). For some reason, I assumed it would be some version of kayaking, and on a lake.
Needless to say, it was a scary experience.
The moment we arrived at the harbour, I kept asking myself 'why'. I spent a lot of time praying and begging God (for what, I can't tell you right now).
Looking back now, I can see how and why people will and do enjoy the sport. If you are one for the ocean, it is pretty calm, a version of free falling if you will, if you let the gentle waves take you and your board calmly. Unfortunately and sadly I think, I was too scared and focused on my fear to enjoy the experience.
I did well, in the sense that I didn't fall, and I paddled out and about for an hour fifteen minutes total. But unlike my friends whom I went with, it felt more like P.E homework or a dare (where the alternative was much worse) than a fun activity. I was focused on getting there and getting back.
I did learn that I have a lot more phobias and restrictions than I thought I did. Makes me feel high maintenance, which I've spent a majority of the day struggling to convince myself that that doesn't denote a 'bad' thing.
Added to that, is the 'complaining' factor. Because I was terrified, I spent a lot of time talking about my fears and concerns. Apparently, at one point, it started to come off as mi saying my fears were more important to others (not once did that thought cross my mind), to which, at one point, a friend sarcastically commented saying 'yes you're fears are more important than others'. That was never my intention - making anyone think that way. But then I also realised, maybe I have gotten too comfortable/'trusting'. Complaining to anyone usually meant I have known said person for years, and I am at the point where regardless of how I phrase things, I have a higher chance of not getting misunderstood because he/she understands mi that well. I don't think I can successfully convince myself that being high maintenance and complaining a lot don't denote 'bad' things. So I've decided to rekindle the 100 days.
In general, the day was quite exhausting - physically and emotionally. I intentionally put myself in a terrifying position, and no, I was not comfortable. But I am glad I was able to complete it successfully.
Would I do it again, very very doubtful. Maybe in a lake lol.
xo

New House :)

I forgot to write this when I moved, but I finally moved!!
It has been two weeks, and I love it....almost to a fault. Having my own place, with my own decor and level of cleanliness feels amazing. A part of mi already wishes I had gotten a one bedroom, or could afford to keep the 2 bedroom alone, but that is only because it allows mi to isolate/hibernate on my own. It allows mi to have my own world outside of humans. But I know and understand this isn't good for mi....in the long run. lol. I already have to make myself leave the house daily as opposed to stay home and in bed.
People can be exhausting lol.
But yea, moved, love it and almost finally unpacked.

xo