Free Falling in a Cage.

Act 1: #Snap
So she met a guy at a lounge a few weeks back. He is funny, interesting, and a great conversationalist. He has goals he wishes to achieve and a game plan to get there. All round, a pretty awesome guy.
He is however different on several, albeit, very important factors, religion not excluded. Sex is off the table for her (for multiple reasons). Sex is very much on the table for him. And while he says he doesn't mind just hanging around and making out, it's difficult for her to not feel bad getting him started and not following through. Not bad enough that she would compromise her values (which he, ironically, respects), but bad enough that she doesn't want to continue. Which brings about a dilemma.
See, he is emotionally unavailable. Which, curiously enough to strangers, makes him safe and completely perfect. Because emotionally unavailable means he isn't looking for a relationship or anything that requires her to feel more, get an anxiety attack, or face her inner daemons.
But then there is her morality and religious stance. Her shackles if you will, which negates any form of 'free fun' usually characteristic of someone who is more comfortable with a guy who is emotionally unavailable.
So ideally, she is stuck in between both worlds.

Act 2: #Snap
She mentally goes through her friends list. People she talks to about all this. She finds the one person she absolutely wants to share this with, and brainstorm with. The one person she thinks would understand her. But then she is faced with two problems. That person is long gone, and the one who took his place is so wrapped up in his own life issues, he has no place for her. That person isn't in the frame of mind to laugh with her, listen to her, talk to her or be there with her.
The replacement of the person she lost, even if he didn't have all the current issues to deal with, would not have the right responses. There is something missing, something different. Feels like the ghost or shell of the friend she had is presently occupied by this new and evolved being she doesn't recognise.
Sometimes she thinks, did she imagine him?? Did she put him up on a pedestal, like we know she is prone to doing, and when he fell off, it felt like she was meeting a new person for the first time; but this 'new person' is in fact who he really is and has always been, rather than the pedestal dweller she created? (run-on sentence, I know).

She is grateful she will be out of town for a month. She hopes that in that time, the completely safe and perfect guy would move on and have a more willing and appropriate dial-up buddy. This way, she can avoid the confrontational meeting that looms in the silence. The one that will inevitably project her as an overly emotional person, over thinking situations and trying to force him into something. Hilarious using the words 'overly emotional' to describe her.

Cause wouldn't it be just perfect that she, ever fearful of emotions, turns him, emotionally unavailable, suddenly wanting to pursue something with her.

I shudder to think of that version of reality.

xo

The Wonderer

.... It returns .... 

Like an unappeased spirit, it goes and returns. 

Taunting mi. Beckoning mi. Cajoling mi. Taunting mi. 

It watches. 

Never far away, silently mocking mi. Waiting. 

It leaves, and for a moment, the rush is back. 

I feel it in my veins. 

I can breathe. 

I am free once more to chase the high. 

The high that continues to elude mi. 

The high it lets me get close to but never attain. 

Then it returns. 

Taunts mi. Mocks mi. 

I sit in the fog and wait till it leaves once more. 

Wait till it is bored of mi once more. 

Till it is ready to move again. 

Then my peace returns and the wonderer resumes. 

I sit and wait. 

.... I sit and await the return of the fickle mistress ....

The Secret and Pandora's Box.

I can keep a secret.

I can as long as it isn't about mi. 

Then, I inevitably loose the ability to stay quiet. 

Maybe it's because secret worthy affairs occur so rarely in my life, I feel the need to share. 

Like a desperate way of saying 'hey pay attention, I'm not not special. I'm not that boring'. 

I hear myself talking. But like a broken dam, I can't shut up until it is all out. 

Of course, like clockwork, the regret begins as soon as the first word leaves my mouth. 

I want to stop.
Not everyone has to know. 

It's okay to not stand out. I
t's okay to keep somethings inside.
It's okay to have no story to tell. 

I understand this.
Truly I do.
But I don't know how to stop. 

xo

Moth of Butterfly??

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. If you are the breadwinner in your relationship with a man, pretend that you are not, especially in public, otherwise you will emasculate him." 

- Chimamanda

In my last and final therapy session, we talked about my RED, and how, regardless of what I hear about myself, I still feel larger and bigger than what is probably reality. The first line of the statement above could not be truer with mi. Somewhere in life, at some point in time, it became ingrained in mi to believe that I needed to and should be smaller. Occupy less space. Not stand out. Not over shadow. Granted, when I was younger, my way of attaining this position stemmed from mi developing a RED. This soon morphed to include the distorted belief that my presence is also overwhelming, and needs to be more contained. Because as a girl, as a lady, I am meant to be smaller and in the background. 

Why??

I guess the answer to that will be the next step in removing mi from this twisted web of oxymorons I have been trapped in.

Culture, Religion and Psychology

I currently am a part of a self-acclaimed culturally diverse program, where models that stress individuality and the culture of a person, like the 'ADDRESSING' and 'RESPECTFUL' model, are emphasised and verbally emphasised. At the same time, I am highly, and sadly, amused at the level of judgment and prejudice that comes up, predominantly against religion, but also against a majority of cultures considered 'not first world' or 'not modernised'.

The cultural aspect I can chuck up to an overall lack of knowledge, exposure and awareness. If your knowledge about another culture is not based on first hand knowledge to a certain extent - and by that I also mean interacting with individuals from that culture - but solely on what you see in articles written by individuals that are not a part of that culture, yet you choose to insist that your view is accurate than that of a member of the culture's, because yours is 'research based', then that is a lack/personal choice to be ignorant.

The religious aspect, that I find unsettling. It seems like there is an unspoken requirement, and a general endorsement to question/remove 'God', or the idea of religious beliefs from psychology. This is different from the concept of spirituality, which is very well embraced, most especially if its in the concept of meditation et al. However, everything in connection to religion is talked about from a judgmental stand point, and I sit listening both baffled and saddened. How and why is having faith in God a negative factor to mental health?? Why and how is being able to recognise that while there are problems associated with psychology, there are also issues that are spiritual in nature something that makes you 'superstitious' and therefore, 'not realistic'?? The message I get here is you can be a psychologist or have a religion, but you cannot be/have both. Laughing at the idea of 'exorcism', and chucking it up to 'superstition', can we still say its a self-acclaimed culturally diverse program??

And I do recognise that since I am trying to be as de-identifying as possible, some of my statements might sound judgmental and off base, but for those who know the background of where this is coming from, it might make sense and be kinda on base.

Ok, end of rant.

xo

Existential crises??

For the past few days, I've been feeling off. It's been feeling as though I don't know what I'm doing all this for anymore. Not quite that either. 

My BFF said its cause I get super invested into things I'm interested in, and then I get bored and want to move on cause I can no longer get the 'high'/ pleasure I envisioned. Which is a fact. 

Only this time, I got invested in a 5yr contract thing. Now, I'm stuck. 

It's not that I don't want to finish the program. It's that I want to get that rush of passion again, but can't even for something else cause I don't have time. I'm constantly thinking, what have I been doing with my life?? Any toast in my name will be quite academic only. That is very, very disappointing to think of. There is also the fact that the debits to my account have been increasing, and I can't really see the returns. Not earning my own, still living as a dependent, it's hard to not wonder if it's worth it. 

So here I am, sitting in the dark of my own house and wondering, what's next?? 

Facing Fears: Paddle Boarding + 100 Days Rekindled

Today, I went paddle boarding.
For those who don't know, that is basically kayaking on a surf board.
For those who know mi, you reaction right now is very appropriate: Really?? Where?? Are you kidding?? On the ocean??
Yup.
I didn't know what it was when I signed up (note to self, always ask before you say 'yes'). For some reason, I assumed it would be some version of kayaking, and on a lake.
Needless to say, it was a scary experience.
The moment we arrived at the harbour, I kept asking myself 'why'. I spent a lot of time praying and begging God (for what, I can't tell you right now).
Looking back now, I can see how and why people will and do enjoy the sport. If you are one for the ocean, it is pretty calm, a version of free falling if you will, if you let the gentle waves take you and your board calmly. Unfortunately and sadly I think, I was too scared and focused on my fear to enjoy the experience.
I did well, in the sense that I didn't fall, and I paddled out and about for an hour fifteen minutes total. But unlike my friends whom I went with, it felt more like P.E homework or a dare (where the alternative was much worse) than a fun activity. I was focused on getting there and getting back.
I did learn that I have a lot more phobias and restrictions than I thought I did. Makes me feel high maintenance, which I've spent a majority of the day struggling to convince myself that that doesn't denote a 'bad' thing.
Added to that, is the 'complaining' factor. Because I was terrified, I spent a lot of time talking about my fears and concerns. Apparently, at one point, it started to come off as mi saying my fears were more important to others (not once did that thought cross my mind), to which, at one point, a friend sarcastically commented saying 'yes you're fears are more important than others'. That was never my intention - making anyone think that way. But then I also realised, maybe I have gotten too comfortable/'trusting'. Complaining to anyone usually meant I have known said person for years, and I am at the point where regardless of how I phrase things, I have a higher chance of not getting misunderstood because he/she understands mi that well. I don't think I can successfully convince myself that being high maintenance and complaining a lot don't denote 'bad' things. So I've decided to rekindle the 100 days.
In general, the day was quite exhausting - physically and emotionally. I intentionally put myself in a terrifying position, and no, I was not comfortable. But I am glad I was able to complete it successfully.
Would I do it again, very very doubtful. Maybe in a lake lol.
xo

New House :)

I forgot to write this when I moved, but I finally moved!!
It has been two weeks, and I love it....almost to a fault. Having my own place, with my own decor and level of cleanliness feels amazing. A part of mi already wishes I had gotten a one bedroom, or could afford to keep the 2 bedroom alone, but that is only because it allows mi to isolate/hibernate on my own. It allows mi to have my own world outside of humans. But I know and understand this isn't good for mi....in the long run. lol. I already have to make myself leave the house daily as opposed to stay home and in bed.
People can be exhausting lol.
But yea, moved, love it and almost finally unpacked.

xo

Why??

Why am I sad right now??
Why do I feel like I need to cry for a few hours to feel better??
Why does it feel like I can't use my words right now??
Why does it feel like I can't be understood right now??
Why does it feel like I need someone to hold mi and tell mi it's okay to cry right now??
Why does it feel like I need someone to be here and not understand but be okay right now??
Too many emotions, and all I want to know is why??

First Step.

I'm not numb.
Sometimes I think I'm angry.
Other times I think I'm sad.
Most times, I'm afraid to think about how I feel because I don't know....
When you are mad, you yell at someone.
When you are sad, you cry or let it out at someone.
But if you don't let yourself feel these things in relation to a person out of fear,
thinking about it, thats unfair to the person.
So you are both wrong.
Making someone how to prove the existence of your relationship to you, out of fear,
That's exhausting and also unfair.
I started this off thinking I don't want to feel or face how I feel because I'm afraid.
The old mi would have stopped there.
But now, I'm putting myself in the other person's shoes.
if someone I think I'm close with constantly doubts that and wants proof, how will I feel??
Shitty is the answer.
So, in this case, we are both wrong.
One wrong for breaking the other's trust.
The other wrong for not facing how she feels about the trust-breakage completely.
Acknowledging is the first step, now on to the next.

xo

Mi

Waves in Motion

Today, my first year of five years came to a close. I passed all my exams, some to my surprise I must say. This year has been quite the rollercoaster. I learned, discovered and confirmed a number of things about myself. Some of them I was happy with, others not so much. I found friends, made friends, stumbled upon friends and lost friends. This year was a chapter in my life I was forced to confront things I wished I could have continued to avoid. This year was a chapter in my life I was forced to grow up in areas I still struggle with. It was hard, and I probably could have found an easier way to survive, but I believe God made it this way so I had to go through the year and experience the things I did the way i did.

The first unique thing about this year was the fact that I experienced culture shock for the first time in my life. I've lived in this country for years, but I had never felt like a foreigner until I got here and that was really hard to learn to deal with. But deal with it I had to and deal with it I still am. I learned a lot about people, some things I didn't like, others I'm learning to live with, and yet still, others I completely cherish. I learned a lot about myself. For instance, I am extremely shy and awkward around the opposite sex. I am most comfortable in my own company. I love driving big cars. I love practical assignments, suck at multiple choice. I get easily anxious when I am away from God. I love flirting but I'm terrified of commitments. I cherish the idea of living alone....the list goes on.

By the calendar, the second year starts in the fall. However, officially, the second year starts next week. We start seeing clients, we start making a difference. There is so much I want to achieve and do and see and be. There is so much I can achieve and do and see and be. There is so much I am going to/am yet to achieve and do and see and be. I know God has been with mi, despite my wandering habits, all through this year, and he will be with mi in the times to come.

So  here is to the end of a unique and wonderful year. Here is to the start of a new phase in a new chapter in my life I am finally slowly settling in to. Here is to the future, because the best is yet to come. Here is to the past year, because it has made mi who I am today, or at least contributed to who I am today. Here is to the waves in motion, which continue to change as the tides come in. Here is to life.
Here is to mi. I made it.

xoxo

Relief??

Is it odd that I was more relieved when I found out being unfriended occurred a long time ago as opposed to recently?? I can't explain why, but the idea that we haven't been friends for a longer time leans towards us getting better (though its the two steps forward, one step back routine) as opposed to just beginning the dance. 

I found it amusing though that everyone else knew this has happened around when it did, but mi. I really worked hard to not care and succeeded. But now, I want to work hard to not care without being negative. 

If you don't have something good to say, don't say anything at all. 

xo

Reset

For a while now I've been playing the blame game,
Shifting it far away from myself.
For a while now I've said so many things,
A lot of which I know are hurtful.
It's easier to be mad,
Yet petty and immature.
It's easier to be the one doing the hurting,
But not a fun reputation to have.

So I will start by saying I'm sorry.
I'll say let's call a truce,
Though I think the only one fighting was mi.
I'll like to say this will be easy,
But I know better than that.
So I will start by saying I'm sorry,
And I promise to be better.

'If you can't say something positive, don't say anything'.
I guess the first step for now is keeping silent.
I don't like this place mostly for what it makes mi,
But I'm no longer willing to give up the old mi if this is the new version.
Cynical, bitter, sad, depressive, complainer....
Not adjectives I enjoy being associated with mi.

So for now,
I'll start with an I'm sorry.
Somewhere along the line, maybe I'll say this face to face.
Or I might be too cowardly to do that ever.
But mum's the word where you're concerned.
HAGL.

xo

Learning

Learning to communicate.

Voicing out my thoughts changed the theme of this post from a sorrowful mystery to what it is about to be. 

Learning to be alone. 

As terrifying as it still is, accepting that it is okay to be alone; understanding that not being with the person you want to be at a particular time isn't the same thing as being alone. There are many who love mi. 

Learning to fight the fears.

Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, it's so easy to give in. Yes, it's breaking away from the norm. Yes, it is what's best for mi. 

Learning that I am changing. 

A scary process, as there are no rules, guidelines or concrete stands. Yet, it's a necessary aspect. Necessary part of moving forward, letting go, facing the demons; becoming free. 

xo

Mi

The Other Conversation

If it occurred, it will go something like this:

You: Hey, are we okay??
Mi: What do you mean??
You: Was just wondering....kinda feel like we aren't as close as we used to be.
Mi: Oh....yeah, I guess so.
You: So....we're not okay??
Mi: Haha. We are not not okay. I'm just overly emotional and you don't do emotions. I don't want to burden you or worse, have you brush something as 'not so serious' when I am clearly catastrophizing.
You: Isn't that unfair though?? I mean you automatically assuming I will get it wrong.
Mi: Yeah I know. I'm just too scared/too much of a coward to try. Plus even if I muster up the courage, there is no room. I already appear to be the third wheel.
You: What --
Mi: Oh no I'm not mad or anything. It's just a fact I have to accept that's all. Might be sad, but I'll live.


But It won't occur. I've been doing such a good job at faking it, sometimes I almost believe I have made it. And let's face facts, it's a good thing it doesn't occur.

It's okay though. If I keep telling myself that, at some point, it really will be.

At some point, someone I pick will also pick mi.

xo

Earth's Sun

Surrounded by planets, yet she stands alone. 

Loved and needed by those around her, yet she stands alone.

Is this vacuum one she created?? 

Is this vacuum one she was placed in?? 

Queen of the Galaxy she might be imagined, yet the lonely queen she is. 

They come close enough to hurt, but not close enough to hold. 

Is this void one she encouraged??

Is this void one she is bound to?? 

Third Wheel

It's funny I always end up being the third wheel in whatever circle I'm in. And people wonder why I hate odd numbers. There could be fifty people available, and I will end up being the fifty-first. It is something I've come to accept. While it is still sad and makes mi sad, I still have to accept it. 

Friendship: Need versus Want.

Your friends are not necessarily those you say hi to everyday. 

Those you don't say hi to everyday not not friends. 

Want versus need. 

Are friends those you need in your life or those you want in your life?? 

Which is healthier or better?? Or are they on the same spectrum just at different ends?? 

I have friends I think I need. It hurts when it doesn't feel reciprocated. 

I have friends I think I want. It hurts when it doesn't feel reciprocated. 

So if you need but are not needed but wanted. If you want but aren't wanted but needed. Does it hurt less than when you are just not needed or wanted period?? 

I really want someone to explain how friendship on this side works. 

Games, Games 😘😘

I think it's hilarious that I created a game I am 100% uncomfortable playing. 

I made a game called questions, which are 150 questions you ask people over drinks and time. There are a number or sexual and personal questions. More things I'm curious about regarding others, not so much what I can respond to. Mostly cause I'm quite the coward. And I end up judging myself for whatever I say. 

But I like this kind of high (how I currently feel). Wine makes mi tipsy, but not the type of tipsy that stops my impulse control (like other drinks), and leads to self hate. 

I also really like my cohort. A certain group. And I wish I was less awkward (at least in my head). 

Happy day light savings kids. Church in 5hrs, quite doubtful considering the time but I'll try.

 🙈🙉🙊

xo

Mi

Is This 'Thoughts Mania'??

I just want someone that's mine. Not romantically in this case. 

But what a selfish request that is, no??

#Diaries of a 'bad' girl trying to become 'human'. 

This is too damn hard. 

xo

Mi