At a vigil for the victims of the Orlando shooting at my church. I don't understand what I feel. Correction. The feelings I actively avoid. If I let myself reach in a little, I feel the anger?? Sadness?? But it's similar to what I imagine I would feel when I let myself at news of terrorist attacks, or sudden loss of life....when I turn on the switch on emotions.
There is a senselessness to this entire mess. There is a meaninglessness to the world that scares mi. It scares mi so I run from it. It scares mi so I run and hide. I run because I cannot control it. I hide because I cannot understand it. I run because staying distorts my conception of reality. Is it odd that I hurt at the thought of the level of hatred it requires for one to commit such atrocities?? Is it odd that I think of and pray for the victimizer(s), because the emptiness in their soul, the loneliness, the darkness....it is scary to imagine how cold on the inside that feels.
But these all threaten to consume mi, so I run.
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