Florida 49

At a vigil for the victims of the Orlando shooting at my church. I don't understand what I feel. Correction. The feelings I actively avoid. If I let myself reach in a little, I feel the anger?? Sadness?? But it's similar to what I imagine I would feel when I let myself at news of terrorist attacks, or sudden loss of life....when I turn on the switch on emotions. 

There is a senselessness to this entire mess. There is a meaninglessness to the world that scares mi. It scares mi so I run from it. It scares mi so I run and hide. I run because I cannot control it. I hide because I cannot understand it. I run because staying distorts my conception of reality. Is it odd that I hurt at the thought of the level of hatred it requires for one to commit such atrocities?? Is it odd that I think of and pray for the victimizer(s), because the emptiness in their soul, the loneliness, the darkness....it is scary to imagine how cold on the inside that feels. 

But these all threaten to consume mi, so I run. 

How Are You??

I feel it creeping in. The sadness. The depressive feelings. The dysphoric mood. 

I feel it creeping in and it's hard not to let it take over. 

The strength to not break down and cry for a reason I cannot articulate even to myself is becoming more and more difficult to muster. 

The will to fight off the lonely feelings is becoming harder and harder to debate for. 

I should be used to this. That is why they are called episodes, no?? 

But I'm so tired. So very tired and I can't even say why.

Hopefully, I have enough reserve energy to continue pretending. 

Continue pretending so I don't have to think of an appropriate response for 

'how are you??'

First Step.

I'm not numb.
Sometimes I think I'm angry.
Other times I think I'm sad.
Most times, I'm afraid to think about how I feel because I don't know....
When you are mad, you yell at someone.
When you are sad, you cry or let it out at someone.
But if you don't let yourself feel these things in relation to a person out of fear,
thinking about it, thats unfair to the person.
So you are both wrong.
Making someone how to prove the existence of your relationship to you, out of fear,
That's exhausting and also unfair.
I started this off thinking I don't want to feel or face how I feel because I'm afraid.
The old mi would have stopped there.
But now, I'm putting myself in the other person's shoes.
if someone I think I'm close with constantly doubts that and wants proof, how will I feel??
Shitty is the answer.
So, in this case, we are both wrong.
One wrong for breaking the other's trust.
The other wrong for not facing how she feels about the trust-breakage completely.
Acknowledging is the first step, now on to the next.

xo

Mi

Petty Still or Growing up??

One thing I've come to realize about myself over the years is that when I have a three way friendship, I tend to get jealous if the other two appear to be getting closer to each other and I'm 'left out'. Then I inevitably begin distancing myself from them (of course they get closer), and then I become less of a part of the 'three way' and then I'm out. 

Presently, I have found myself in a similar situation. At first, I was jealous as always. Or at least I thought I was. But the curious thing is after thinking about the situation, I was actually sad as opposed to jealous. Which was an interesting discovery, as it is uncharacteristic of mi to feel that way. I talked to one part of the other two, simply catching up, and an even more curious thing occurred. I was/am genuinely happy they are getting closer. Though I do realize and am sad about the fact that I am getting left out, it's not jealously or sulky like before. 

The quarter system at school makes time seem to fly by very quickly, while appearing to be longer than it really is. So while two weeks might have passed in the blink of an eye for instance, it will feel like a month because of all the activities packed into it. This makes not talking to someone for a week seem like longer and can make the parties feel a lot more distant, as a lot can happen in that time. So while I realize it has only been a few weeks of distance, I am able to recognize that this feels worse because of the system. 

In the past, such a realization would have been impossible; and in the off chance that I made it, would not have mattered in terms of affecting how I feel. But I am still sad about missing out and not talking to the other parties as much and not being a part of the 'in-group', and having to accept that I won't be the closest to either party. Though I understand that that's a little ironic coming from someone who allows others to get a little close but never gets close herself.

I do miss them, though there isn't much I can actively do in the moment to change that. 

I wonder what would happen if either party ran across ris blog/post. Will they know?? How will they react?? 

I wonder now, do all these feeling make mi petty still, or am I growing up??

Suddenly, I don't want to go back to Cali. I was excited about going back, resettling in, etc. Then I saw something I wasn't mentally prepared for. At least I didn't know I wasn't till it happened. 

But I have to go back. Just have to make peace with it. More like I've made my peace, I just need to breathe and not let go again. 

xoxo

Mi

He's Back

He sent mi a message, and I forgave him.
I haven't heard what he has to say. He said he would explain. he doesn't know I have forgiven him, but the speed at which I did annoys mi.
I could have tried to stay mad.
It's like I can't be mad at him, and that annoys mi. Even more annoying is the fact that it seems I forgave him for mi, more so than for him.
But I won't tell him. And I can't see his face. Because he would know.
He probably already knows, but my pride needs some sort of balm. He doesn't need to know any more than he already does, how much I....

He's back and I think I have mixed feelings.
 Kryptonite.
xo