Crazy Circle

Complainer and hypocrite. 

Those are the two reps of the negative voices I've had to battle with recently. 

With both comes attention seeker. 'Your problems aren't that serious;' 'no one wants to listen to you brag in the name of complaining;' 'stop trying to play the victim role;' 'the focus doesn't have to be on you....'

I find myself thinking I need to apologize after every conversation, because I think 'oh I was complaining again' or 'I tried to make that all about me/invalidated the other person' or 'I shouldn't have said that'. I'm starting to feel anxious talking to people because I think I'm just walking around offending everyone. And though they continue to smile or converse, I feel them withdraw from mi. Or maybe it's mi withdrawing. I read into the smiles and interpret them as being polite. In some cases, I even apologize, and then I read into their responses. "It's okay, I understood what you meant" that means they were offended. They probably still are. The apology wasn't enough. Or they were not offended before I brought it up, and now they are. 

"Oh no don't worry about it" that means they were offended. They are used to mi being an ass. I know it's a downward spiral of negative thoughts. I know I'm getting myself riled with the thoughts. I know if this continues, it will lead to a hole I'm unfortunately too familiar with. But right now, I don't know how to turn off the anxiety and senseless worrying. I also can't talk to anyone cause we go right back to the beginning....complainer; hypocrite. I just hope this goes away a little faster than the slow creeping way it began.