Full Circle

Ocean. 

Not drowning. 

 But uncomfortable in a familiar way. 

Fought it off so long. The thoughts, the voices, the constriction. 

Bottled it up. The unexplainable tears, fighting back the breakdown. Giving in to the tears but not knowing why. 

It hurts. 

Too many days getting dressed in front of the mirror maybe. 

Too many days ignoring the voices but not battling. 

Feeling sick. Want it all out. 

Wish being sick would make it go away. 

But that's another drop in the ocean isn't it?? 

Full circle. Drowning but not yet. 

Life of the party....

I don't want to keep apologising for who I am. 

I don't like feeling the need to apologise for who I am or how I am. 

Yet who I am/how I am most times feels wrong. 

Mentally, I understand that having certain traits does not mean you are a bad person. 

Yet I can't ever shake the feeling of guilt. The feeling of fear that I will 'get caught'. 

I think I have a shitty personality. People think I'm nice. I am, to a certain extent. But why don't I always think before I speak?? I don't have to be witty always, yet I feel naked when I'm not. And then I feel bad when I am. 

I feel bad because it's the dominos effect. Once the first sentence comes out, it sticks and they all fall down. 

Is there a happy medium?? 

I can't complain because in this story, I am not the victim ever. But it's okay to cry to you right?? 

I'll reset the hundred days. God help mi, I don't need something else on that plate. 

xoxo