Confused

I don't know what's wrong. 

More like I can't explain it. One minute I was fine. I really was, or at least trying to be. I think the rum didn't help. It took away my active blocker and now all these feelings are coming crashing in uninvited. 

Saying I miss him, my friend, is insane cause he is literarily here. He hasn't gone anywhere, yet he feels so far away. 

I realized a storm was possible when I felt jealous that he was close to someone else. But I started CTT on myself, and it was working. It was going fine. Then it wasn't just one someone else, but another person came in the mix. And though I keep telling myself the distance I am feeling is self imposed and created, I can't help it. 

I don't know what to do. I feel the friendship fading, though in actual fact it isn't. Yes I feel it going, and from past experience, this isn't something I can stop. 

My T said jealously isn't a bad thing unless you don't do anything about it. I am on the 100 days, but I don't know how to be thankful or assertive or see the positive in this situation. I don't even understand the situation. I don't understand how I got here. I mean I was fine. I was really doing so well.

 

Sitting with your feeling is constantly preached. I am right now and it sucks. I am right now and all I want to do is run away from myself. I just want to run and keep going until I don't feel anymore. So tempted to sleep but I have work to do. But I wish, I just wish someone could understand this and explain it to mi so I can know I'm not insane. I don't like this. 

I really don't.