Confused

I don't know what's wrong. 

More like I can't explain it. One minute I was fine. I really was, or at least trying to be. I think the rum didn't help. It took away my active blocker and now all these feelings are coming crashing in uninvited. 

Saying I miss him, my friend, is insane cause he is literarily here. He hasn't gone anywhere, yet he feels so far away. 

I realized a storm was possible when I felt jealous that he was close to someone else. But I started CTT on myself, and it was working. It was going fine. Then it wasn't just one someone else, but another person came in the mix. And though I keep telling myself the distance I am feeling is self imposed and created, I can't help it. 

I don't know what to do. I feel the friendship fading, though in actual fact it isn't. Yes I feel it going, and from past experience, this isn't something I can stop. 

My T said jealously isn't a bad thing unless you don't do anything about it. I am on the 100 days, but I don't know how to be thankful or assertive or see the positive in this situation. I don't even understand the situation. I don't understand how I got here. I mean I was fine. I was really doing so well.

 

Sitting with your feeling is constantly preached. I am right now and it sucks. I am right now and all I want to do is run away from myself. I just want to run and keep going until I don't feel anymore. So tempted to sleep but I have work to do. But I wish, I just wish someone could understand this and explain it to mi so I can know I'm not insane. I don't like this. 

I really don't. 

My Close Far Friend

I have a close friend. Who became a friend. Who became my close far friend.

People always said she was poisonous. And while she had a lot of us as friends at some point, we all seem to drift away, or run away, when our problems come because then we notice the 'burden' carrying her problems are. Then we hear all the talk about her being poison. All the talks about her being a negative influence. All the talks about her not being the right sort of friend for us.

Looking back now though, I ask myself, was it not more mi not being the right sort of friend for her??

She had issues that she needed divine intervention to work out. Issues that have now become deep rooted and are plaguing her today. Granted then, I was not in a position to help. At least, my emotional and mental state at the time were so focused on mi I couldn't see past my little 'hell'.

But now I look at her, hear about her, read her stories and feel guilty. I feel guilty because I think 'I probably played a hand in that outcome'. One can argue that she made her choices, there's nothing you could have done, she is strong willed, and all that English people like to speak when they don't want to accept responsibility. But if I want to be honest, there is something I could have done.

I could have prayed.

I read about my friend's life now and I fight back the tears. In her words I hear loneliness, hopelessness, despair, bitterness, hatred, regret, pain, sorrow....and all the things you do not want to hear from a young person. She has rejected God, because she feels he has rejected her. She feels this way because none of her friends prayed and held on for her.

But I love that it is not too late.

So first, I will repent for not doing my duty as a friend. Then I will pray for her like I do myself. I know she needs a hug from God. I know she wants it. And best of all, I know God wants her too.

So until the day I read a different story from her life, my prayer shall be "Lord, show her you love her, show her she has a right to be happy, show her she is beautiful because she is your child. But most important of them all, show her she needs you"

Won't you pray for my friend with mi?? ;)

xo