Why Cali??

One thing that has remained constant between God and I over the years, is my ability to have total faith when it comes to the next place I will live. I've never worried about what school I will end up in or where. I've always understood that God had a reason for sending mi wherever I end up, and that has never failed.
When I first came to Cali, it was a bit unclear why I had come. Old wounds were reopened, old fears crawled back, and at a point, I was quite sure I had made the wrong decision. Funny enough, this was the first time I had made a move where all other options were blocked. I had no choice but Cali. And I think it had to be that way because if I had other options, I would not have stuck around past the initial turbulence. I would have simply jumped ship, quite sure I had made the wrong choice.
Now, I think I see why it had to be here.
I have been firmly pushed out of my comfort zone, socially and emotionally. At first, it seemed like I had swung back into the past. The tortured existence I have tried very hard to run away from. Instinctively, my first reaction was to run. When that was not an option, my next reaction was to curl up into myself and hide.
This time however, that didn't seem like a solution. It didn't fit with the life I have come to know and understand I deserve, and so I was forced to fight through the storm.
I am by no means out of it totally. The sea is still filled with waves every now and then, but I think I am getting comfortable and I know smooth sailing is eminent.
Why Cali?? For now, it's because I needed a push and I needed to grow. I needed to find a reason to open the attic, air it out and be free again. I needed to stop being mad at myself and at God. But first, I needed to realize I was mad at God and at myself. I needed to realize I had not let go and was being controlled firmly by my past. Then I needed to extend my faith in God regarding moves and living locations to this area of my life.
Right now, I am by no means in an overly joyful place socially and emotionally. I still feel alone and I still get lonely from time to time. I still feel emotionally unstable and have my doubts and fears lurking. But the difference is right now, I am not afraid alone. Sad, yes sometimes. Upset, yes sometimes. But no longer terrified.

I think that's a step forward, no??

xo