Moth of Butterfly??

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. If you are the breadwinner in your relationship with a man, pretend that you are not, especially in public, otherwise you will emasculate him." 

- Chimamanda

In my last and final therapy session, we talked about my RED, and how, regardless of what I hear about myself, I still feel larger and bigger than what is probably reality. The first line of the statement above could not be truer with mi. Somewhere in life, at some point in time, it became ingrained in mi to believe that I needed to and should be smaller. Occupy less space. Not stand out. Not over shadow. Granted, when I was younger, my way of attaining this position stemmed from mi developing a RED. This soon morphed to include the distorted belief that my presence is also overwhelming, and needs to be more contained. Because as a girl, as a lady, I am meant to be smaller and in the background. 

Why??

I guess the answer to that will be the next step in removing mi from this twisted web of oxymorons I have been trapped in.

Culture, Religion and Psychology

I currently am a part of a self-acclaimed culturally diverse program, where models that stress individuality and the culture of a person, like the 'ADDRESSING' and 'RESPECTFUL' model, are emphasised and verbally emphasised. At the same time, I am highly, and sadly, amused at the level of judgment and prejudice that comes up, predominantly against religion, but also against a majority of cultures considered 'not first world' or 'not modernised'.

The cultural aspect I can chuck up to an overall lack of knowledge, exposure and awareness. If your knowledge about another culture is not based on first hand knowledge to a certain extent - and by that I also mean interacting with individuals from that culture - but solely on what you see in articles written by individuals that are not a part of that culture, yet you choose to insist that your view is accurate than that of a member of the culture's, because yours is 'research based', then that is a lack/personal choice to be ignorant.

The religious aspect, that I find unsettling. It seems like there is an unspoken requirement, and a general endorsement to question/remove 'God', or the idea of religious beliefs from psychology. This is different from the concept of spirituality, which is very well embraced, most especially if its in the concept of meditation et al. However, everything in connection to religion is talked about from a judgmental stand point, and I sit listening both baffled and saddened. How and why is having faith in God a negative factor to mental health?? Why and how is being able to recognise that while there are problems associated with psychology, there are also issues that are spiritual in nature something that makes you 'superstitious' and therefore, 'not realistic'?? The message I get here is you can be a psychologist or have a religion, but you cannot be/have both. Laughing at the idea of 'exorcism', and chucking it up to 'superstition', can we still say its a self-acclaimed culturally diverse program??

And I do recognise that since I am trying to be as de-identifying as possible, some of my statements might sound judgmental and off base, but for those who know the background of where this is coming from, it might make sense and be kinda on base.

Ok, end of rant.

xo

Fairytales: The Ballad of Lovers

She looks over at him, and he turns to her with a knowing smile.
He looks over at her, and she turns to him with a knowing smile.
The breath in him is the reason she breathes.
The breath in her is the reason he breathes.
Suffocating together.
Suffocating apart.
Suffocating.
Suffocating.

He touches her hand lightly, and she hears the words in his soul.
She touches his hand lightly, and he hears the words in her soul.
The words from his lips are the reason she moves.
The words from her lips are the reason he moves.
Paralysing together.
Paralysed apart.
Paralysing.
Paralysed.

They hold each other and watch as the sun rises, life feels complete.
They hold each other and watch the stars fall, forever now complete.
Picture perfect, like they dreamed, yet so fragile.
People's envy, like they do hear, yet so fragile.
Secluded together.
Secluded apart.
Secluded.
Secluded.

To stand and stare at their love from the outside, breath taking.
To stand and stare at their love from the outside, terrifying.
Their love's existence, inviting.
Their love's existence, acting.
Reality or fantasy.
Fantasy or reality.
Real fantasy.
Real fantasy.

Why??

Why am I sad right now??
Why do I feel like I need to cry for a few hours to feel better??
Why does it feel like I can't use my words right now??
Why does it feel like I can't be understood right now??
Why does it feel like I need someone to hold mi and tell mi it's okay to cry right now??
Why does it feel like I need someone to be here and not understand but be okay right now??
Too many emotions, and all I want to know is why??

Relief??

Is it odd that I was more relieved when I found out being unfriended occurred a long time ago as opposed to recently?? I can't explain why, but the idea that we haven't been friends for a longer time leans towards us getting better (though its the two steps forward, one step back routine) as opposed to just beginning the dance. 

I found it amusing though that everyone else knew this has happened around when it did, but mi. I really worked hard to not care and succeeded. But now, I want to work hard to not care without being negative. 

If you don't have something good to say, don't say anything at all. 

xo

Why Cali??

One thing that has remained constant between God and I over the years, is my ability to have total faith when it comes to the next place I will live. I've never worried about what school I will end up in or where. I've always understood that God had a reason for sending mi wherever I end up, and that has never failed.
When I first came to Cali, it was a bit unclear why I had come. Old wounds were reopened, old fears crawled back, and at a point, I was quite sure I had made the wrong decision. Funny enough, this was the first time I had made a move where all other options were blocked. I had no choice but Cali. And I think it had to be that way because if I had other options, I would not have stuck around past the initial turbulence. I would have simply jumped ship, quite sure I had made the wrong choice.
Now, I think I see why it had to be here.
I have been firmly pushed out of my comfort zone, socially and emotionally. At first, it seemed like I had swung back into the past. The tortured existence I have tried very hard to run away from. Instinctively, my first reaction was to run. When that was not an option, my next reaction was to curl up into myself and hide.
This time however, that didn't seem like a solution. It didn't fit with the life I have come to know and understand I deserve, and so I was forced to fight through the storm.
I am by no means out of it totally. The sea is still filled with waves every now and then, but I think I am getting comfortable and I know smooth sailing is eminent.
Why Cali?? For now, it's because I needed a push and I needed to grow. I needed to find a reason to open the attic, air it out and be free again. I needed to stop being mad at myself and at God. But first, I needed to realize I was mad at God and at myself. I needed to realize I had not let go and was being controlled firmly by my past. Then I needed to extend my faith in God regarding moves and living locations to this area of my life.
Right now, I am by no means in an overly joyful place socially and emotionally. I still feel alone and I still get lonely from time to time. I still feel emotionally unstable and have my doubts and fears lurking. But the difference is right now, I am not afraid alone. Sad, yes sometimes. Upset, yes sometimes. But no longer terrified.

I think that's a step forward, no??

xo