....Pants on Fire....

The words come out before I am done processing them. It's a story. A fantasy I'm creating. Sure, dark it may be, but it is a fantasy non the less. I don't understand fully, in the moment, that this is reality. It's okay to answer with the truth and be 'normative'. It's okay to not have an elaborate fancy story to tell for every situation. It's okay to not have experiences in some areas. It's also okay to have experiences in areas that are not so dramatic.
How did this all begin??
When I was 10 and I found out, in more ways than not, that being 'mi' and having my 'boring life' didn't make friends, but made an outcast of mi. Somehow, I discovered people were more interested in mi when I was different. Eccentric. Out there. So, I had to revamp myself. I had to become different, eccentric and out there.
The funny thing is, I was already different, just not in a way they appreciated. So I tried to be more similar??
But now, I am eccentric, different and out there.
I never learned when it's 'enough', when it's okay to just be mi - at the level of differentness that I am - versus when I need to make myself even more so.
And since the fantasy began, I have to keep it up. Most times, I can't tell if what I just said is part of my fantasy life, reality or a combination of both. Sometimes, I feel bad because I genuinely meet people who want to know mi, but I don't even know mi anymore so I can't help out there. I mean I say things about myself, but then I think and realize, wait, that's not entirely true. Like 'I've seen xyz' becomes 'I've met xyz'. Which is not technically what happened. But I don't process this until after it's out.
Factitious?? Malingering?? Both??
The more I self-reflect, the more aspects of mi I see and dislike. The more I view, the more I want to move and just start over, clean slate. But then the more I move, the more the cycle rotates. This time I'm actually acknowledging things, so maybe this time would be different?? The possibility of getting to meet the real 'mi'....funny, I'm more scared of what I would find than everyone else. :/

Exam studying time.
xo