It's Okay, That's Love (K-Drama)

It's been a while since I've watched a drama series that blew mi away like this did. Secret Garden, I thought nothing could top, but Jo In Sung shii's performance in this drama completely floored me. From start till end, everything about his performance was beautiful. I wish I could write him a letter to tell him how awesome his acting was. Be it the switch in emotions, the portrayal of the disease, his ability to make you empathize, empathize and embrace the character was spectacular. 

Gong Hyo Jin shii was beautiful as always. I loved her in Master's son, but she dazzled here as well. I want to be like Ji Hye Soo when I grow up. She was a beautiful doctor. She found the line between business and personal, and walked it awesomely. Of course there were some ethical affairs in that he probably should have been sent to another hospital, but at the same time, I think no one but Hye Soo could have pulled off the treatment that Jang Jae Yeol (Jo In Sung's character) needed. And Hyo Jin shii was the perfect actress for the role. I didn't appreciate her wardrobe, but I got over it with the amazing acting. 

IOTL got mi believing in all sorts of things - miracles, soul mates, friends, love, relationships, etc. again. Off to go find other things my new found oppas and unnis have been in to watch. 
KDrama creates a fairytale life for mi, I'm afraid I'd keep running from reality at this rate.

How do you feel??

Such a wierd question. Following a loss, asking those left behind 'how do you feel??' 'How are you doing??' and the likes is such a strange human act. What is the appropriate response?? Fine?? So so?? No feelings?? I don't know?? I'm sad?? I'm angry?? 

How do you think or expect the person to feel in that situation?? Is that a retorical question?? 

It's confusing, upsetting and tiresome. Makes one want to avoid others. 

But like humans, we need something to say in all situations. Such a wierd yet normative act people indulge in. 

Adieu

Grandma passed away today.
She was a hundred years old, yet it came as a shock to mi.
She wasn't sick.
She wasn't suffering.
She just slipped away.
It hurt cause I never got to say goodbye.
It hurt cause I never got to see her one last time.
The littlest lady I ever knew.
She couldn't speak English so we never could communicate.
But she would still talk on and on, like I understand her.
I speak so many languages, but I regret not learning one she could understand.
They say she is in a better place.
Right now, I think its just one of those things people say.
Like congratulations when a child is born.
Or get well soon when someone is sick.
Believing it is a different story.
But I'm sure I'd wake up some days from now.
And remember that she did live a long and fulfilled life.
And even though I didn't get to say goodbye, I did get many memorable times with her.
RIP Odede....

Adieu

xo

1012: Another Year

Every year, I get to this day and time, and I write a post. A post which has evolved over the years. This year however, I am almost at a loss for words.
It's been so many years, but it still hurts.
It's been so many years, but many questions remain unanswered.
It's been so many years, but the memory is still strong.
It's been so many years, but your places remain in our hearts.
It's been so many years, but we still remember the good times.
It's been so many years, but you live on in our hearts, minds and lives.
It's been so many years, but we still miss you all.

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2014:

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

Naija For Life: As seen on Facebook

Saw this on a facebook post and found it sad, true, hilarious and smh-worthy.
NAIJA FOR LIFE.
(1). Where a man happily meets a lady and when she goes back to her friends, their only question - "Is
the guy loaded?"
(2) Where leaders pretend to be patriotic when they are in office, out of office, they turn to ethnic tigers.
(3) Where a blind beggar will reject a fake Naira note.
(4) Where groundnuts are sold in bottles & water in sachets.
(5) Where parents claim they always came first in school.
(6) Where you can be A driver for years without a 'DRIVER'S LICENSE'
(7) Where Presidents and other government officials don't know the national anthem.
(8) Where the Police have road blocks, and makes more money daily than motorist and their owners.
(9) Where Gala and Lacasera are the best options when stuck in a traffic jam (hold up).
(10) Where you are jailed for stealing maggi and yam, while others are given a chieftaincy title for stealing billions and front row seats in churches.
(11) Where we fight for everything. To gain admission into a university, to get a job and to get on a bus!
(12) Where you are robbed of your phone and the robbers come back for your pin code and the phone's charger.
(13) Where politicians use big and unnecessary 'grammar' to scam people.
(14) Where the type of GENERATOR you own shows how RICH you are.
(15) Where you can easily blame your unsuccessfulness on family members in the village.
(16) Where rich men must have a pot belly, and a healthy looking, slim man is despised in the streets as a pauper.
(17) Where if you 'do anyhow' you 'see anyhow'.
(18) Where a generator is a social amenity.
(19) Where people dey collect change for beggar hand. (Where people collect change after giving a beggar money).
(20) Where People produce Toyota Camry jeans and Dr. Dre slippers
(21) Where the man who had no shoes becomes the president.
(22) Where a 60-yr-old grandpa is the National youth leader of a party (PDP).
(23) Where citizens are more afraid of the police than armed robbers.
(24) Where a civil servant saves $544,000 in her bank from her 'pure water' business in just 2 years.
We are always proud to be called Nigerians despite all these odds.

Are we really always?? Food for thought. 
xo

The Case of Wilson

I never discuss political affairs, or issues that involve public outrage, outcry, justice, etc. Not that I don’t notice them, but I get exhausted because no matter how angry I get or how much I speak, nothing will happen so I try to look at the good in life instead. 

I avoided the Eric Garner details today because trying to make sense of that would simply give mi a headache.

Then, I found myself watching the Darren Wilson interview on ABC, and I couldn’t not get mad. Before I even get into the interview, I want to point out that I never comment on issues like this because there is usually only one side to most stories in the media. I am a firm advocate, or at least I attempt to be, in hearing every side of a story before I make my judgment. 

In the light of the above statement, this write up is based, to the best of my ability, solely on the interview below. 

The interview portion focused on the events which occurred on August 9th starts off with Darren Wilson describing his day - presenting the protagonist as the ‘concerning/caring’ person, whose day took a drastic turn that ended with him ‘fighting for his life’. I say protagonist because what Darren Wilson goes on to describe relates like the plot of quite the unrealistic movie - something similar to Crank (yes, I did not like any of the 'Cranks'). 

I won’t retell his tale, the link to the youtube interview is below for those interested. I would, however, point out a few things, among the many, that astonished mi.

First what happened in the car. Wilson’s explanation, basically brought this scene to mind: Brown is hitting (or hits??) the left side of Wilson’s face with his right hand (first holding the cigar rolls), pauses, switches the rolls to his left hand, reaches back and gives them to his friend. He then returns to punching Wilson - but this time, he hits Wilson on the other side of his face. This takes place through the front window of Wilson’s car, and in the span of 10 seconds. I guess since I’ve never been hit through the window of my car, it should be understandable that I’m having a hard time picturing the scene above. More so because at no point during Brown’s apparently numbered pauses, did Wilson find a window to either start his car and drive, roll up his window, or etc. 

Next, we have the list of weapons/defense choices. During the 10 second scene above, Wilson states that he goes into training mode. In training, the officer learns a number of ways to defend him or herself, prior to reaching for a weapon. First was the mace - he rejected that option because, and I quote, it disables him. If he reached for the mace and managed to spray it on Brown, he might also be affected…. #NoComments. Next, we have the baton. This was ruled out because it was located in his back pocket, and he couldn’t safely reach for it. Understandable. The taser was ruled out because Wilson does not carry tasers, as they are uncomfortable.
Now thats odd.
For someone who, adamantly for 45mins, stated and tried to reenforce the belief that he was an officer who went by the strict guidelines of his training, why would discomfort be an acceptable reason to not carry a taser? Is that reason valid for other officers too?
Moving on naturally, with all other options 'justifiably' ruled out, the only logical step was to pull out his gun. 

Then there is the timeline. Science has shown that the human mind does not remember things as accurately or as precisely as we tend to believe. That being said, it is astonishing to mi that Wilson’s recollection of those 90 seconds is so detailed and clear, including his thought process. If this were a movie, this might make some more sense maybe. There is also the inconsistency, at least to mi, in his emotional state. Wilson states that he went into training mode, was calm and not agitated. At the same time, he was afraid for his life, and of the 'demon' he saw in Brown's eyes. Can you be afraid for your life and be calm and not agitated - kinda like he  was in the interview I would imagine - all at the same time?? I am now genuinely curious. 

Watching the video, here is what I, a layperson, saw. I saw a man who had practiced a story, very accurately and down the the finite detail. A man who had convinced himself that what he did that day was his job. A man with a story that was just perfect; so perfect for a script, absurd for reality. Every second was accounted for. So well detailed and framed to back the idea that he had no choice in the matter. Every reaction that occurred in those 90 seconds was backed by an action beyond his control. Nothing he did that day could have occurred differently because of the choices Brown made. Nothing that occurred that day was his fault. 
Wilson never once made eye contact with Stephanopoulos when he was answering a question. And the more times Stephanopolos repeated his questions at several points during the interview, the angrier I saw Wilson get - in his controlled and calm manner of course. 

I don’t know what happened that day. There are no videos and I wasn’t there. Brown could have tried to pick a fight with an officer. Maybe Brown did hit Wilson, maybe he committed a crime, maybe Wilson did simply shoot an unarmed man for no concrete reason like the eyewitnesses stated. 
A lot of maybes. 
What I do know is I would first need a play by play video reenactment of the 90 seconds to even begin to accept it as a plausible scenario, before we discuss if it did occur in reality. 
So a grand jury accepting this, to me, is quite remarkable. 

I have a good bullshit radar, and its tingling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baSE7SObyw8

Cross My Heart and Pinky Swears

Two things I recently discovered/got myself into.

The first is making promises for things I normally don't intend to do.
Promises, to mi, are sacred. I don't take them lightly, cause they involve some level of trust that I feel honoured to have and bestow upon others. I expect and trust others to keep their promises to mi, and so I endeavour to do the same. So I try not to make promises I won't or don't believe I can keep. Usually, this involves promises that have to do with myself or changing something about mi or dropping a habit, things of that nature. Mostly because this involves coming to terms with the fact that I have to let go of something I don't necessarily want to in the given moment, or haven't thought about letting go in the given moment. And I have to do this because I included the binding phrase 'I promise' to the equation. This is completely a game changer. I have this as a cardinal rule - never making promises I can't keep, i.e., involving a change in myself. I, however, went ahead and broke said cardinal rule.

The second is keeping secrets.
Don't get mi wrong, I keep secrets very well. Just my definition of a secret has, drastically, changed. I understood a secret as a. something other people did not know and b. other people being those who know you. So if I know A and B are secretly dating among my friends from Germany for instance, and I am back in Nigeria talking to some friends about life in Germany, saying 'oh A and B are dating' as I show them pictures of my friends from Germany is fine (I thought) because they don't know each other and probably never will. Apparently, that's not the case. Not only is A and B's secret dating a secret, but the fact that I know that is also a secret as long as A and B want it to be. Essentially, a secret is not based on what I want it to be but on what the source deems it to be. So if A and B say knowing them is a secret, I have to respect that fact (as well as figure out if I am okay with that arrangement).
Funny enough, keeping secrets based on the other party's requirements, though different, isn't as tasking as I thought it would be. It also makes mi feel.... like more of a friend?? I mean if you're the only one that knows something about someone, it makes you two's relationship unique??

In case you were wondering, yes, I am on break and yes, I now have an amazing amount of free time on my hands. Lots of random ramblings to come. And I would also be publishing one of the books (or two) this break....should be fun.

xo

Random thoughts as I don't sleep....

For some reason, I randomly remembered the other day my thoughts on marriage as a kid. I imagined that:
A: I would have a house in four different countries, where I would live during each season of the year.
B: When I get married, I would have a house which would consist of two separate duplexes, connected by a short hallway. My husband would live in one, and I would live in the other. Where the children would dwell never factored into that scenario.

Aside from the peculiarity of the living location(s),  I think it is hilarious that, even at a young age, I could not understand the concept of living with someone under the same roof when I grow up. Which might explain why having a roommate has always been such a chore for mi lol. I love my roommates, but most of the time, I love the individuals as separate entities from the term 'roommate'.

But that's just mi being random and not sleeping like I should be...

....Pants on Fire....

The words come out before I am done processing them. It's a story. A fantasy I'm creating. Sure, dark it may be, but it is a fantasy non the less. I don't understand fully, in the moment, that this is reality. It's okay to answer with the truth and be 'normative'. It's okay to not have an elaborate fancy story to tell for every situation. It's okay to not have experiences in some areas. It's also okay to have experiences in areas that are not so dramatic.
How did this all begin??
When I was 10 and I found out, in more ways than not, that being 'mi' and having my 'boring life' didn't make friends, but made an outcast of mi. Somehow, I discovered people were more interested in mi when I was different. Eccentric. Out there. So, I had to revamp myself. I had to become different, eccentric and out there.
The funny thing is, I was already different, just not in a way they appreciated. So I tried to be more similar??
But now, I am eccentric, different and out there.
I never learned when it's 'enough', when it's okay to just be mi - at the level of differentness that I am - versus when I need to make myself even more so.
And since the fantasy began, I have to keep it up. Most times, I can't tell if what I just said is part of my fantasy life, reality or a combination of both. Sometimes, I feel bad because I genuinely meet people who want to know mi, but I don't even know mi anymore so I can't help out there. I mean I say things about myself, but then I think and realize, wait, that's not entirely true. Like 'I've seen xyz' becomes 'I've met xyz'. Which is not technically what happened. But I don't process this until after it's out.
Factitious?? Malingering?? Both??
The more I self-reflect, the more aspects of mi I see and dislike. The more I view, the more I want to move and just start over, clean slate. But then the more I move, the more the cycle rotates. This time I'm actually acknowledging things, so maybe this time would be different?? The possibility of getting to meet the real 'mi'....funny, I'm more scared of what I would find than everyone else. :/

Exam studying time.
xo

Calm Waters Again

I can honestly say it has been a while since I have had a month or period as turbulent as this. I am also honestly glad the storm has come and gone. I felt the love of God through it all. And I felt the importance of friends and my best friend as well.
I don't think I've prayed....more like begged God as much as I did in the last week. My friend saw mi today and said 'that's the calmest I've seen you in a week'. lol.
For those who have been following and wondering what the heck has been going on, I'd try to give a brief summary.
Being the over zealous introvert that I am, I over exerted my energy supply and introverty self and over socialized. Without a way of recharging, I was left mentally weak and vulnerable to my thoughts - a very bad place to be in. I began over thinking and analyzing relationships, and without the chance to step back like I usually do, and assess things from an objective point, I succeeded in opening up a number of pandora boxes filled with old wounds. Needless to say, it became a speedy spiral down from there.
I knew I was falling, and I knew I was getting out of control. But there was so much going on through my mind that I couldn't find anything to grasp on to and try to solve logically and practically. And the more I spiraled, the more boxes opened and the weaker I got. Till eventually, I shut down and tried to become robotic and doll like, so I didn't have to feel as much. It got mi out of bed and moving, but not much else. At night I cried and prayed, in the day I feigned.
I finally talked to my best friend. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who knew the history behind the content of those boxes, and did not need mi to explain anything because I was not in a frame of mind that could explain. She was able to sort out the box for mi, and then she pointed out a practical aspect of the mess I could solve. This way, my focus was redirected from all the chaos in my mind, and I was able to focus on the problem I could fix or find a solution to in the moment - which has been my functioning strategy all this while. With my focus redirected, I was able to close the boxes, regain control of my thoughts and free myself from the fall.
I choose to believe this was God's way of helping mi identify the issues that I have been avoiding, but then Him also putting them all back in their boxes because He knows what I can handle and when - He never gives us more than we can handle. He saw that I was only strong enough to identify the problems at this time, but trying to work at it all or loosing my sense of practicality was not the thing to do in the moment. And so he brought her to help and used her to save mi from myself in answers to my prayer.
What next??
We agreed that yes it was time for mi to see what was in some of those boxes, but not time for mi to be shattered and remolded. It has been a scary and stressful few weeks. I wrestled with myself and almost lost. I understand that I would eventually have to face my daemons, but I do also understand that when I do, it would not be all at once and I would never be alone. At the very least, He will be with mi, and so would she. Thats more comfort that anything.
I am still being cautious, understanding that I am still in a vulnerable state. But I recognize that life is back in mi and the doll is gone. I am grateful for the cleared fog.
xo

Quite a Level....Opposite

Re-read what I wrote on the last 'quite a level'. Must be a fun ride swinging back and forth. I did figure it all out, with the help of a friend. And I was upset, more hurt than upset. And I was, contrary to my expectations, upset at myself not others. It hurt and I cried. A lot. Not like I have in years. Then I woke up and it all....stopped.
Now, I guess you could say I am numb. You know when you've grieved and cried and hurt and then you are.... done?? There's nothing there, just numb.
It's not peace, but it's not pain either.
I've come to a general acceptance and now, I guess I'm just existing with the new found understanding. Taking the days as they come. Is this how the last of the 5 stages feels??
I'm not upset anymore. At anyone, myself included.
That is a good thing right??
I feel almost robotic in a way. Going through the motions but not really. Saying the right things (or what I think should be accepted in the moment). Not saying the first 10 things that come to mind (cause not everyone wants to hear that). Smiling when necessary, laughing (attempting to) where needed and speaking when spoken to (that way I don't say unnecessary things or think about unnecessary things either). Focusing on school so that way my mind doesn't have a chance to wander. And when it's all done, at the end of the day, all the mental activity leaves mi exhausted and I can fall into semi-unconsciousness. I don't sleep, at least not much. Just enough to keep mi alert and avoid dreaming.
I won't say it's an ok state to be in. I won't say it's a bad state to be in.
It's just a state.
xo

Thank You Note

At Church today, we were told to write a thank you letter to the new friends in our lives (not to be given to them so this is fine), because they are not accidental but designed by God. I had to laugh when the sermon began cause for a while I had been wondering if I was just having a solo tantrum without any audience. Turned out my Father was listening and he did have a response.
So in line with the challenge from church, here is the note:
Hi,
I would like to thank you for taking the time to try to get to know mi and be friends with mi. I know I have a lot of quirks, but I am grateful you are willing to stick around to navigate through them. I have learned that I didn't choose you as my friends, but God placed you in my life for a reason. I don't know what that reason is now, but I trust that His reasons are always for my benefit.
I am sorry if I have been taking you for granted (in anyway), and I hope to be a the friend to you that God wants mi to be.

Love,
Mi

xo

Quite a Level.

Irritated, pissed off, angry....a few words to describe my current emotional state. All masking the hurt I'm meant to be feeling I'm sure. I'm shaking, that's quite a level.
I really want to yell at something or someone right now. Or hit things....
Figured the entire thing out, and in the end, I'm annoyed. I guess that's better than depressed. I know for a fact I'm not annoyed at myself which is also a good thing. I think I'm also disappointed a bit. I should stop saying I have '3' friends cause clearly, I'm the only one thinking in that direction. Which is....mmmm....cannot describe the feeling in words.
Interesting.
These past few days have been an emotional up and down, and right now I'm at the point where IDGF anymore. I'm annoyed I was so affected I almost lost my head and let myself sink into some annoying sad zone. Now, I'm just done.
Stalking people, begging to be friends, etc., is a chore I gave up years ago. It's exhausting and brings about self-harm and  I don't want anymore of that.

Off to do something for mi cause that's all that matters right now.

Brothers are the Best

In the end, I talked to my brother. Not only was his reaction to my entire ordeal perfect - he laughed and congratulated mi on my imaginative skills, though it was put to an unexpected use - but also said all I needed to hear.
Talked to my god-brother yesterday and he too said about the same things - just stricter and in a more therapeutic sounding way lol.
I don't know how a life without brothers works, but I am glad I don't have to find out.

I also got the confidence to tell her about what happened. Funny, though I know there is a chance it'd probably end badly....or horribly, I'm not as terrified as I was before. Because in the worst case scenario imaginable, I'd still be fine.
Going to bed without some apprehensive feeling for the first time in days.

If I worried you, I am sorry and grateful too. It's been a like a roller-coaster the past couple of days, but I think its safe to assume the major loops are behind us now....

xo

To Sleep or Not To Sleep

I don't want to because it would bring tomorrow closer faster. 

I want to because it would put an end to today. 

I'm ready to return to 7 yesterdays ago.
Before this periodic cycle began. 

The 5 Stages

Stage 1 Denial
I think we covered that in the elaborate morning session I had where I tried my hardest to convince her, more so myself, that it wasn't true. The entire thing came as a shock to mi, I wasn't ready.

Stage 2 Anger
I'm mad at him. I'm mad at her. Then I'm mad at myself for feeling that way because it makes no sense. I'm mad at the unfair reality. I'm mad cause I know it is a world I have created myself. I'm mad cause I know its a self constructed trap I can't get out off. I'm mad because the founding emotion isn't even there this time. So there was no pleasant phase then despair. There was only numbness, then sudden slow, climaxing pain.

Stage 3 Bargaining
Not here yet, but I imagine this stage would/should be skipped entirely. There is nothing to bargain. There is nothing to negotiate. I know I would try to bargain with Ace, because that is how this drama always plays out. But it makes no sense because no one else exists in this fantasy nightmare, yet everyone has a part they unconsciously play. So bargaining we shall.

Stage 4 Depression
I imagine this is recurrent from Stage 1. I refuse to believe there is something worse than my current heart wrenching ache in store for mi. Maybe I can finally cry here. Maybe that's what sets this aside as a stage on its own.

Stage 5 Acceptance
The final stage where I return to the functioning china that is my norm. Seems a long way off since we are only in stage two. But then again, might progress faster the more torturous exposure I am dealt. One would think, from the way I am, that I have a masochistic streak in mi. Cause why else would I not try to at least separate myself from my nightmares? I always find a way to select the characters from such a tight knit circle around mi, that there is no option but to go through the motion and experience all 5 stages.

And yet I am even more disgusted because in view of all the problems people are facing in the world, this might sound like an annoying buzzing fly to someone else. So I keep it all to myself, place the perfect smile on my face, have the appropriate response ready and laugh when I need to. I can't let anyone in on this pathetic little nightmare I have myself trapped in.
Smiling through the tears that refuse to fall, I say adieu.
xo

Drowning

So I lied. 

I wasn't looking foward to the pain. I wasn't looking foward to the ache. 

I lied to her. Because it made her feel better and less awkward. 

I lied to her. Because it was a pathetic desperate attempt of mine to hold on to my denial. 

I lied to her. Because I didn't want to have to believe it was true. 

I can't hate her cause she's so innocent, it would have to be a sin. 

I can't hate him cause that's petty and it's almost a requirement of his specie so not his fault. 

I can't hate Ace cause that would be giving in and the level of depression that usually follows is beyond my current time capacity. 

I wish I could talk to someone and cry about it. But as pathetic as the situation is in my head, I'm sure it would be worse out loud. 

So I fake my smiles and laughter, and chuck the occasional 'miserable' look to work overload. I grit my teeth and try not to abhor the sound of his name from her lips. Or anyone else's.  

It's fine. I know it's a phase and it'll pass. I've been through this cycle enough to understand the routine. It's just, as usual, for once I wish Ace was wrong. 

For once I wish I could just breakdown and cry at the current phase and not till the explosion. 

For once I wish the cycle would be broken and I'd be free. 

Typical. I pick 'em with fascinating accuracy. 

She said I looked miserable today. How scared shitless I was that there was a crack in my mask. But she was out of her mind I doubt she'd remember. 

She said I had a guard up around mi. At least that's still secure in place. 

Home is a cell, outside a dungeon. Hard to find a place I don't feel I need to crawl into a hole for. 

For once I wish Ace was wrong. 

6 down.... 1 for every 4 yrs?? 

xo

These Words

The urge to come on here is getting greater and greater. That's not a good sign right?? 

Ace is at it again and I don't care. I think it's scary that I don't care. Cause I know the outcome, and it's nothing positive for mi. But I can't bring myself to be bothered. I simply walk pass all the dreams, imaginative stories and innuendos thrown my way. I see what Ace is trying, but I refuse to acknowledge this episode. 

Because that's what it is. An episode. I fall, it comes out, gets rejected, I wallow in self pity and condemnation while Ace gets a fix on my depressive self. That sounds like something that requires effort. 

I have no energy for all that. I have a limited amount of strength at the moment, and picking my battles is the only way to stay sane. The problem now is, why did I automatically rule this out as a battle worth fighting?? I steady assumed an outcome, why?? I already accept I'd cry at the end of this, and I already plan on it. I'm not even making an effort to change that outcome. Weird?? 

I think that's frustrating Ace. Slowing down the process. It's no longer fun teasing someone when you get no reaction. 

I'm just sad I've gotten to the point of having no reaction. 

xo

No Words....

How I wish the non-existing conversation would go:

You: Are you upset??

Mi: Yes. But I'm more upset because I texhnicay can't say it's all your fault. 

You: Sorry this happened. 

Mi: It's fine....

Basically an acknowledgement would have been all I needed. 

Idk maybe I'm more sensitive to this entire affair cause I'm stressed and this was super close to the brim - right before 'my cup runneth over'. I mean I know it's bad when the thought of ice cream makes things worse not better. I'm afraid this might make mi act weird when I know I shouldn't. It's too soon, not that serious and leads to unnecessary awkwardness. 

I know. 

I get that in my head. 

Argh. 

I think I need to de stress from school. Though I can only see a mounting frustration in the coming weeks then an explosion. 

There is of course also that Dev psyc fear at the back of my head. That's always fun. 

I want to vent. But I don't know how, where, to whom or what to say. The pots at that annoying phase where it's not boiled but boiled at the same time....

 

Behind My Back came Forward.

He didn't mean for mi to hear. And he had a right to be concerned as a parent.
I understand that in my head. I promise, I do.
The problem is I heard and now I can't help but feel hurt.
This is why I'm a firm advocate for the 'not wanting to hear what people say behind your back' policy. Cause my life is perfectly fine while they talk behind my back. But it's when I hear the words that problems arise.