....Pants on Fire....

The words come out before I am done processing them. It's a story. A fantasy I'm creating. Sure, dark it may be, but it is a fantasy non the less. I don't understand fully, in the moment, that this is reality. It's okay to answer with the truth and be 'normative'. It's okay to not have an elaborate fancy story to tell for every situation. It's okay to not have experiences in some areas. It's also okay to have experiences in areas that are not so dramatic.
How did this all begin??
When I was 10 and I found out, in more ways than not, that being 'mi' and having my 'boring life' didn't make friends, but made an outcast of mi. Somehow, I discovered people were more interested in mi when I was different. Eccentric. Out there. So, I had to revamp myself. I had to become different, eccentric and out there.
The funny thing is, I was already different, just not in a way they appreciated. So I tried to be more similar??
But now, I am eccentric, different and out there.
I never learned when it's 'enough', when it's okay to just be mi - at the level of differentness that I am - versus when I need to make myself even more so.
And since the fantasy began, I have to keep it up. Most times, I can't tell if what I just said is part of my fantasy life, reality or a combination of both. Sometimes, I feel bad because I genuinely meet people who want to know mi, but I don't even know mi anymore so I can't help out there. I mean I say things about myself, but then I think and realize, wait, that's not entirely true. Like 'I've seen xyz' becomes 'I've met xyz'. Which is not technically what happened. But I don't process this until after it's out.
Factitious?? Malingering?? Both??
The more I self-reflect, the more aspects of mi I see and dislike. The more I view, the more I want to move and just start over, clean slate. But then the more I move, the more the cycle rotates. This time I'm actually acknowledging things, so maybe this time would be different?? The possibility of getting to meet the real 'mi'....funny, I'm more scared of what I would find than everyone else. :/

Exam studying time.
xo

Sometimes

It's been a couple of weeks in Cali, well maybe 2 weeks. While I've found readjusting into the school system (the other end of it) a slightly troubling but fun experience, its the loss of complete independence that I'm having a hard time adjusting to. Coming from living alone, paying my way and getting to places on my own, to having to rely on someone for everything is unsettling. I can't live alone right now cause it's not financially feasible. I can't have a job right now cause there aren't any available to fit my time schedule. I can't go around on my own yet because driving is still a bit dicy for mi.
It's frustrating knowing that I have to ask, and essentially bother, someone else in order to get the necessary things done. I understand that they don't necessarily think that way, but I can't rationally help thinking the way I do. Makes mi wonder if it's because I feel that way (deep down) when people ask mi for help constantly, but then I know this isn't the case. I know, for a fact, that I don't think that way. But why I can't believe others are the same is beyond mi.
Academically, I'm fine. I mean I'm not an idiot. I understand that I need help there when I need it. But it's in other ways.
Like today. I bought a printer. My housemate has two printers in her room. She told mi I could use it anytime I wanted, and even offered mi the option of downloading the CD to my laptop so I can use it whenever. But I bought a printer.
It's not that I didn't trust her offer. It's just....well for one I have the 3 strikes thing. I asked her to help mi print somethings and she forgot. I know it wasn't intentional, but then I feel bad re-asking. So I don't get the things printed, and I loose out. I also don't know what the 'printing page limit' is. Or if I contribute to buying the ink....see how far my train of thought has gone?? I'm not generally that way with people I've known for 6 years and up (at least I like to think so), but it's getting to that time that is work. But then there are some people I feel I won't ever get that way with....
I think the most terrifying thing to mi or rather the hardest thing for mi is not having a job, and having to feel guilty for spending money all over again. Japan cured mi of that. I earned the money and I spent it. I also learned how to budget and things of that nature. Here, it's like a yo-yo diet. I spend money, feel guilty, starve myself of the money, then crash and spend crazy. It's a never ending cycle of insanity.
I want to get the library job. I think I can be really good if I do....or a job of similar nature....
My school does require 16hrs of therapy before the 3rd year. Maybe I can ask my therapist. But then again, maybe I'm just trying to create things to talk about with them.
Anyway I've got assignments to do and papers to write....wrong day for feeling sad....

Vengeful

I run and run.
Faster.
Faster.
But it seems the farther I go, the closer she appears.
Mocking me.
Teasing me.
The vengeful wench.
Loving none.
Respecting none.
Fearing none.
She has the power to take.
And take she does.
Never satisfied.
Forever hungry, she takes.
She takes until there is nothing left to take.
And then she takes some more.
Laughing in my face.
Bitter.
Uncaring.
Faster.
Faster.
I run and run.

What Have You Done So Far?

Watched a movie today about three old women who saved for most of their life wanting to go to Hawaii, and in the end, lost all the money and never made the trip. 

Then I read an article about a 20 something year old Nigerian girl who set up an air ambulance service in Nigeria. 

All I could think to myself was 'What have you done with your life so far??'

Some people might say I have achieved a lot, but its weird cause I don't feel that way. Maybe because everything with mi seems to start and get completed and then I move on, so I feel like I haven't done anything. I mean I have all these ideas I've thought about but never really put too much thought or effort into....

Partly cause despite being Nigerian, I feel I don't have as much patriotism as a lot of people seem to. The passion to 'go back and change my home land' isn't really burning in mi. A part of mi does feel some what guilty about this. I mean I should have love for my mother land, no?? But at the same time, I cannot say I would go back home to settle and 'make a change' cus I know I won't be happy. Thats the one thing I am sure about. 

I've always been a cat, or a bird or whatever animal you want to call it that loves freedom. Being tied down to one country seems so.... sometimes I wish it was possible to be a citizen of the world. Like does it really matter if the difference I want to make isn't in a specific country?? Does it matter if people don't know about it?? 

I wish I could tell myself it didn't. I think rather than people, I'm the one who feels like.... I guess I just need to.... no, its not that I want to do something big and drastic like change the world or etc, but I would like two things, probably separate from each other - to touch the life of a child or children in a special way, and to start something that would be recognized.... ah, maybe they don't have to be separate after all. 

I always wanted to start up an orphanage for kids. But more than the normal kind. One where they would be taken care of till educational wise as well, with free education all the way to college/technical school. My only problem was where to locate it. People would say in my home country of course, but thats not the only place where orphans are located now is it?? Maybe I can do a house in different country. Have a certain number of kids around the world....like Oprah's children. 

Maybe I can do this, but I'd have to start small. Like adopt a kid for instance.... virtually.....sponsor maybe?? Or get people to sponsor....should I go into child psychology??

Ah, I'd need to look into this more and pray some more.

 For now, I'm tired. I'd drive myself insane keeping myself company for too long, I just know it.