Alive, Sorrys and R.I.P

Today, I realized we were no longer friends on Facebook. I don't know how long this has been the case for, and ironically, I don't know who unfriended whom. I say this because there was a time I wanted to delete you from my life entirely, so there is a chance I did that then. There is also a chance you did the unfriending, in which case, anytime in the last couple of months will be a fair guess.  

What struck mi wasn't the fact that we were no longer friends, (as that has been evident for a while now), but how petty and unchristian I have been about the entire ordeal. True, I transitioned from being mad to disliking to not carrying to being neutral where you were concerned. But I was mean in the things I said about you. 

For that I truly am sorry. 

It's not that I want to 'fix' things or become friends again. I don't think our personalities align for that or that it is necessary. But the negative comments were uncalled for and for that, I am sorry. 

How you choose to live your life and what you choose to do really are not my concern or for mi to comment on. We are strangers who go to school together to be fair. I can't comment on the things you do because I don't know you. 

So I am sorry for everything this far. Quite certain you won't see this. Quite certain there is no point talking about this. But I do promise, to myself and God at least, that if I have nothing good to say, I won't say anything at all. I sincerely wish you well here on out, and I hope this reflects in my attitude and behaviour as well. I'm not doing this for you, but so I can look myself in the mirror and be okay. 

xo

Reset

For a while now I've been playing the blame game,
Shifting it far away from myself.
For a while now I've said so many things,
A lot of which I know are hurtful.
It's easier to be mad,
Yet petty and immature.
It's easier to be the one doing the hurting,
But not a fun reputation to have.

So I will start by saying I'm sorry.
I'll say let's call a truce,
Though I think the only one fighting was mi.
I'll like to say this will be easy,
But I know better than that.
So I will start by saying I'm sorry,
And I promise to be better.

'If you can't say something positive, don't say anything'.
I guess the first step for now is keeping silent.
I don't like this place mostly for what it makes mi,
But I'm no longer willing to give up the old mi if this is the new version.
Cynical, bitter, sad, depressive, complainer....
Not adjectives I enjoy being associated with mi.

So for now,
I'll start with an I'm sorry.
Somewhere along the line, maybe I'll say this face to face.
Or I might be too cowardly to do that ever.
But mum's the word where you're concerned.
HAGL.

xo

....Pants on Fire....

The words come out before I am done processing them. It's a story. A fantasy I'm creating. Sure, dark it may be, but it is a fantasy non the less. I don't understand fully, in the moment, that this is reality. It's okay to answer with the truth and be 'normative'. It's okay to not have an elaborate fancy story to tell for every situation. It's okay to not have experiences in some areas. It's also okay to have experiences in areas that are not so dramatic.
How did this all begin??
When I was 10 and I found out, in more ways than not, that being 'mi' and having my 'boring life' didn't make friends, but made an outcast of mi. Somehow, I discovered people were more interested in mi when I was different. Eccentric. Out there. So, I had to revamp myself. I had to become different, eccentric and out there.
The funny thing is, I was already different, just not in a way they appreciated. So I tried to be more similar??
But now, I am eccentric, different and out there.
I never learned when it's 'enough', when it's okay to just be mi - at the level of differentness that I am - versus when I need to make myself even more so.
And since the fantasy began, I have to keep it up. Most times, I can't tell if what I just said is part of my fantasy life, reality or a combination of both. Sometimes, I feel bad because I genuinely meet people who want to know mi, but I don't even know mi anymore so I can't help out there. I mean I say things about myself, but then I think and realize, wait, that's not entirely true. Like 'I've seen xyz' becomes 'I've met xyz'. Which is not technically what happened. But I don't process this until after it's out.
Factitious?? Malingering?? Both??
The more I self-reflect, the more aspects of mi I see and dislike. The more I view, the more I want to move and just start over, clean slate. But then the more I move, the more the cycle rotates. This time I'm actually acknowledging things, so maybe this time would be different?? The possibility of getting to meet the real 'mi'....funny, I'm more scared of what I would find than everyone else. :/

Exam studying time.
xo