I do and I don't...

I don't want to be the only one that can control you,
Because this world is unpredictable,
And I never know when it would be my turn to leave it.
Yet I don't want another to be able to tame you,
Because then I would spend life wondering,
If she is better for you than I am.

I don't want to be second best,
Because then I would feel the need to work for you adoration,
Even though you may get insulted if you hear that.
What people never figure out is that I have an IOU complex,
But I want to be the only one legally allowed to be your burden,
And know and be able to believe that I pay by being there,
Because we know I have to pay...lol

I don't want to stay and stand the chance of getting hurt,
Because I have a feeling my heart is not as strong as it may look,
And that one false move would send it to pieces.
Yet I am tired of being called a 'run away bride',
Sometimes I want to stay and see what it's like,
Get rid of this wondering feeling once and for all.

I don't want to go for days without hearing from you,
Because I am terribly insecure, and my imagination is too active.
I have the single ability to mentally come up with more reasons
than a logical person should in that situation.
Yet I don't want to be the girl whose calls you ignore,
I don't want to be the one always making the first move,
Cause Lord knows I am horrible at that,
And I know at some point I'll start hating you for making me seem like a pest.

So I guess you can safely say I am best where I am now.
Between both doors, standing and smiling.
Sometimes I get sad and lonely, sometimes I am content,
But for now I would rather have both emotional coasters running,
Than walk into one door knowing I might shut down the one I prefer for good.
I am a dangerous game,
I am an easy complex,
But above all else, I am a girl that needs her smile responded to.

Forget me not

Forget me not my darling,
For in the time we have been apart,
I fear that the color of your eyes have grown cold.
So I plead, forget me not my darling,
Forget me not.

'Love Scar"

So I read a manga today called "Love Scar", and the heroine in the story, Sasara, amazingly solved a problem without self sacrificing or hurting someone else to the point of suicide. I have to commend her!! The basic story line was that she fell in love with this kid younger than her, his mother made her 'dump' him, turning the boy, Rin, into a cold male chauvinist, and Sasara into a sad aging woman. She ended up trying to move on by dating one of those men who are overly sweet and nice and treat you like a princess, but then you know you can't fall for them and that hurts, who turned out to be Akira, Rin's big brother. Worse still, she had to get married to him because she felt she couldnt hurt him and Rin hated her. Of course I dont need to say the story went down hill from there. The story behind the break up came to light, Rin was obviously still in love with her, as she was with him, and Akira soon found out about the two of them. But amazingly, she never cheated!! After struggling to be the good wife and choose the path she has taken, an act of self-sacrificing that steadily pissed me off, she figured she couldnt do it. In the end, when I thought she was going to stay with Akira for good, she finally decided it was too much for her to handle. Here was her solution in one day: She had sex with Rin, told him good bye, explaining that she loved him but it would be too cruel to leave Akira and come to him at the moment. Then she went to Akira and asked for a divorce, saying she loved Rin and, I quote, "being his wife and waking up to him daily was painful"...too painful for her to bear any longer and she has decided to leave them both and not choose. Akira said he didnt mind her living with him like that, which I thought was by far one of the dumbest things I've heard anyone say. Translated as: Be sad for my happiness, I dont mind! Really!?! Basically Sasara decided to share the burden of the pain on all three, which I think was the best solution ever.
Do you know pain shared is easier to bear? Instead of carry everyone's burden on herself, she gave it back and found out that her burden was not that painful after all! Of course Akira at first said he wasnt giving her a divorce, which she responded to by saying it didnt matter, she was leaving anyway and that she was wrong so no matter what punishment he decided to give her (in this case no divorce), she could bear. In the end though, he handed the marriage papers to Rin, meaning giving her up to Rin, and walked away. Now I am not saying it is easy to do, but it can be done. When you take a wrong turn and realise you need to get back to the other side, the solution is not to shut yourself and hope to appear at the starting point again, or to continue to wonder and see the 'silver-freaking-lining' in the situation, because quite frankly, if the alternative is still acesible, then there is no freaking silver lining. Just a simple plastic crystal posing as a diamond. It would hurt like hell trying to unwind and untwist the nots you have made to get that far in the dead zone, but think about the breath of fresh air that waits for you at the end or should I say at the begining of the road...what bliss when the ropes tying your hearts are finally undone and you can breathe again? And don't worry, I have done this before so I can say I know the pain and the fear and the uncertainty involved. I can walk in your shoes. But believe me, the only way to treat a wound and prevent it from becoming a painful scar is to open it and clean it out. Leaving it covered only leads to more pain, newer illnesses and in some cases, death!

1012

There are days that hold fond memories for us. For instance, just about the whole world longs for December 25th because that is Christmas day. Or Jan 1st, which is New Years. These days are implanted in our memories, and we love the fact that they are there.
Then there are days that we have implanted in our head, though we wish they would not be there. We wish these days would disappear, as though if they do, then the things that happened would also disappear, and become a bad dream. This is something like December 10th for me.
Every other day of the year, I try to pretend that none of it happened, and that everyone is still going around at their various school, just that we've lost contact. Then on the 10th each year it hits me: The sixty angels are really gone.
I mean I still remember the morning of December 10th 2005 as though it happened the day before. I remember the last thing I ate before boarding my flight, well because my baby made me buy it for her saying that was the last meal she was eating before she went home. I still remember what I was doing when my mum told me the plane had crashed. In fact, I remember the room and the setting to a T, its almost scary.
But then I did not come here to reenact the events that occurred that day from my point of view.
It was hard making myself write this, because that meant returning to reality, which I have so effectively evaded all year. The truth is no matter how hard I try to pretend it never happened, it did. And I miss them.
I miss them everyday because they are no longer here.
I miss them every time because everyone knows it wasn't fair.
I miss them even more because no one still has told me why.
I miss them desperately because their spaces are still empty.
There are times I think "Oh, I should tell him this, he'll laugh with me", and then I remember, he is not here anymore.
We all wish it never happened, but it did.
We all wish there was someone to take the account for their life, but even if that person shows, it wont change the fact that they (Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk), amongst others, are gone.
So on this memorable day, as we do always, I say, R.I.P my angels, we miss you and you are still in our hearts.
I pray, the day will come when the blood of those innocent kids would not have been a waste. I pray the day will come when that country and its many problems that caused that plane crash would be cured
And finally, I do pray that the day will come when some peace would be in our hearts at last.
I guess I am rambling as usual huh?
1012, a day with a significance, one never again to be forgotten...
...Remember me when I am gone away.Gone far away into the silent land;When you can no more hold me by the hand.Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.Remember me when no more day by day You tell me of our future that you planned:Only remember me: you understand It will be late to counsel then or pray.Yet if you should forget me for a while And afterwards remember, do not grieve: For if the darkness and corruption leave A vestige of the thoughts that once I had. Better by far you should forget and smile Than you should remember and be sad...
~ Christina Rossetti

Rats

No matter what team you play for, the good or the bad, there is one common sin that is taboo: Betrayal. This is why when Robert Ford murdered Jesse James, he did not get an applaud from the world as he had hoped for, but got a silver, and yes I know it was silver, bullet in the head from the 'good' team. This is why when Judas Iscariot ratted out on Jesus, he did not live long enough to enjoy even one piece of the silver he got in the end. Even the Pharisees despised him. Sure enough the disciples would not have killed him and would have forgiven him because Jesus thought them to, but to live with them, knowing that each time they looked at him, thought about him or mentioned the name Jesus, it would always be added "and Judas betrayed him", was a heavier burden than death seemed to be. Betrayal is a seed from the same tree as murder, because you kill the betrayed in some form or the other. It is also not worth the grieve and heart ache you suffer as payment, no matter what the promised reward was. How do you sleep in the same house (as guest or other), eat together, laugh together and cry together with a person and turn around to hurt them INTENTIONALLY? This is why you don't blame the man who shot his wife and best-friend when he found them together in bed. That's taking two knives in the heart at the same time, most people die from that! At first everyone would be mad that he murdered them, but then after a while, he becomes the victim, and his sins are forgotten. Now I am not telling you which side you are to walk on, because God knows I am not qualified to do that, but when you do choose, stick to it.
Don't try to walk the line or be the 'good guy' in the 'bad guy's squad' or the 'bad guy' in the 'good guy's squad', because even if you live to tell the tale, no one would trust you. Your team won't for obvious reasons, the other team won't, well because you have 'traitor' stamped on your forehead. And please, please, please, whatever you do, don't self sacrifice. Don't tell me "someone has to do it" so therefore you decide to take it upon yourself to pull the trigger knowing you would be hated by the world for it even though you did them a favor, because lets face it, that's why the cops are there (and 'cops' here could be authority figure in any form depending on the situation). They already took an oath with the hidden message: "I'm gonna play savior and be the do the shitty job no one wants" and so there is no reason for you to do their job. Everyone knows the truth, but no one wants to say it. Deciding to say it would mean becoming an outcast. But then we need the truth in life.
Solution?
Mankind created official 'traitors' just like designated drivers. You hate them because they don't drink with you, they think they are better than you and you think they judge you every time, but then deep down you know you love them. Sure you may not show it from time to time, but when you are drunk (or with cops in trouble), they are the first ones you call. Now un-designated drivers who take on the jobs or designated drivers simply piss you off because you KNOW for a fact this time that they are judging you and don't drink with you and think they are better than you, except this time, you did not give them permission to do so.
I think I am ranting.

So basically, betrayal is being an 'amebo' as Nigerians would say. Doing a job you are not asked to. If the authorities had killed Jesse James, he would have gone down in history as a criminal. But since Rob did us the favor, he went down in history as the victim of betrayal. Which is an automatic 'get out of jail' free card for anyone, no matter what kind of shit you have attached to your name.

I think the point I tried to make in the above bla..bla..bla..would be: Don't be a Rat, cause no one likes rats.

Candies are a substitue for kisses...

Lets be clear here: Candies to me revolve around chocolate...just sounds better as candy rather than chocolate in the piece :P

A kiss is just like candy.
It can be sweet and gentle at times,
Slowly melting in your mouth as you let it unfold,
Making you want to melt along with it.

A kiss is just like candy,
It can be sour and rough as well,
Harshly stinging your mouth as it moves,
Yet drawing you in as it dares you to take it out.

A good kiss is like some candy,
It can be surprising,
It can be natural,
But one thing it can't be is boring. You always enjoy.

A bad kiss is like some candy,
You might anticipate it at first,
It may be well thought of by others,
But the second you taste it,
You quickly realize the world would not spin as it is meant to.

A kiss is just like candy,
Have too much of it and it might just harm you...
Have too little of it, and you just might run mad with wanting...
Candies and kisses...I do adore...

Trilogy: My Pain

The ultimate punishment is...
Death.
No, not one's death as is often thought, but the death of another.

When there is a love triangle involving two girls and a guy for instance, one of the girls usually feels she has more right to be with the guy than the other. But if he is interested in the other girl, she decides to commit suicide.
This is the ultimate punishment. They can never be together because apart they feel guilty, together, the feel guilt and loss, to the point that it turns to hate for each other.

When a mother abandons her child, and then ten years later she comes back for forgiveness, of course the child is not interested. Everyone calls her a bad mother and tries to send her away. But then she announces that she is suddenly terminally ill, and the entire world turns against the son, demanding that he forgives her. Him forgiving her or not in the end does not change the fact that he gets to loose her twice: Once when she abandoned him, and the other to death. The child already lived his life thinking his fate was punishment for some crime he had committed as a child. Her death would prove his point more in his eyes would it not? It would take a miracle to keep that kid from going south, won't it?

Have a fight with someone, and you know you are wrong. Maybe you said something that upset them really bad, and drove them over the edge. They commit suicide, and you never really get a chance to say "I'm Sorry." So you are left wondering if it was truly your fault that this unfortunate demise occurred, or if it was bound to happen anyway in the end.

You get a message that a certain friend is bitter towards you, yet you have not the faintest idea why. And in all seriousness of the matter, he or she fails to talk to you from that point onwards, despite your desperate attempts to make peace for what the devil himself knows not of. Then in a fatal accident, he is ripped away from life, and you are left with the pain and regret in your heart. What is it that I did to wrong him? Did he ever forgive me? And if, pray it be a blessing still, you are Christian, you are burdened by the additional plague that this certain someone might not have made it to heaven because he died harboring a fight in his heart against you. Now while some may say the fact that you apologized makes you free from guilt, it is totally impossible to be free now is it not? You were more than mere acquaintances with this fellow, and to believe that you have something to do with the fact that you two might never meet again, not even in the after life, or at least not above is too sad for words...and yes, is also truly a form of punishment for that sin...

Death.

Many believe death to self is the ultimate punishment. Yes it may be a free pass to eternal damnation, but it is bloody hell more painful to remain with the pain in the heart.
I have never been to the other side, thank heavens, but I have been on this end, and I have seen death that came with it more than the pain and sorrows of loosing the deceased. I have known death that unraveled a once tightly formed bond, so much so that the members become worse than strangers...but simply members of the human race, cohabiting the same space. Too disgusted to be more than that to each other, yet bound by some final wish made at a death bed to remain together.

How ironic it seems, that an unloved lover tells her lover to be happy with the woman he has picked over her, while the doctor clearly states that the cause of her death is that of betrayed love?
How ironic it seems, that we say we fear the unknown and try to stay clear of it to keep 'safe', yet the minute one is pushed to a far wall in an extreme situation, death - which is by far the greatest of the unknowns - is the first exit considered by most?

This punishment. This thorn. This tragedy. This plague. This force that we do not understand, yet holds so much of us bound and controls half of our fate - the other half controlled by its mortal opposite, life.
Death. How we fear it, how we shy from it. Yet when the heart turns cold and life is shed aside...how we run to it.

...Watashi no Hanshi...

"I think you are an emotional masochist, and because of that, I believe you sort of understand why regular masochist, some at least, do what they do." she said to me, and paused waiting for me to give her the go ahead, which I did with a smile.
"I learned this from House, the show I mean," she continued, shifting in her chair, a little nervous. Who could blame her, I wasn't helping wtih my emotionless fixed smile now was I?
"When House went off his pain pills," she continued, "the pain in his leg became unbearable. So he decided to break his pinky finger. Of course any normally functioning person would know that breaking your pinky is an unbearable pain, but it did not hurt as bad as the leg did. For a few minutes, his brain transferred the pain sensors to focus on his pinky, and he got relief from his leg."
She paused again and looked at me before she went on.
"I think that is the basic idea behind masochiesm. I mean the physical pain for them is easier to bear than what ever else they face. For you though, you don't like pain. At least not physical, and you don't want anything to show. So you get emotional pain." She smiled at me, as though she had just given me a compliment. I was a little baffled, but my smile remained unshakable.
"You do and say all sorts of things to get yourself worked up emotionally, and to make yourself sad. Because as long as you are sad, then the real pain remains masked and you get temporary relief."
She smiled sadly before she went on.
"The only time one knows you are in real pain, is when you make the mistake of inflicting a pain of greater or equal effect as the real pain. Then there is a problem. You either get a double doze of whatever it is you are trying to avoid, or you end up falling back to it as the lesser pain because the created substitute is too painful to be a sub."

I stared at her. In all her glory, no one could see her true colors. Her smile was as invented, easy to whip out and easy to put away. It was beautiful to the eyes, but painful to her heart. I did not let my gaze wonder lower, because then she decided to let the wishes come true, though that was not the case in reality. She wanted to make me 'face the problem', I on the other hand was fine as I was.
"Don't I get a 'congratulations you have done well figuring me out' or something?" she asked, pouting a little.
I chuckled as I stood up, genuinely out of amusement for the first time in a long time. I walked out of the room, leaving her behind, though I knew she was followed me to places no one else did. As expected, the smile was out once I left the privacy of our space and walked back into the world.

Yes, she knows me best, she who is also me. Atashi no Hansha...

You, me and I

Before I say yes,
Would you listen to my selfish requests?
Before we take this step,
Would you hold my hand knowing I might still say no?

Don't try to protect me,
Without telling me what I am being protected from.
Don't run ahead and clear the path,
Without letting me know you are going.

Don't tell me not to worry,
Because I will always do.
Don't go down the road to save me without me,
Because it wont work.

Did you know I was very fragile?
Even if you say you don't want me to worry or stop smiling,
Did you know I will always smile,
Just as easily as I breathe too?

Don't do things behind my back
because you are thinking about me,
Don't leave me in the dark,
because you think it's for my own good.

For the world,
Did you know I never cry but always smile?
I'm afraid, and I think you know why,
You do, don't you?

So now that you know,
Would you hold my hand still knowing I might say no?
Would you walk with me still, knowing I might turn and run right back?
Would you take the chance still, knowing I might not trust you enough to do so either?


Yapari, Migatte ne? Atashi?
Don't try to protect me,
By leaving me in the dark.
Don't tell me to smile and not worry,
and take care of it because I would.
Don't leave me behind ever,
because I might break.

Hold my hand as you ask,
Hold my hand as I answer,
Hold my hand through it all, onegaishimasu...

because...atashino sayaku no jidayo o sorete iru dakedu sorete...
dakara, dakara...taskete ni onegaishimas...

So now you know,
Would you let me be selfish just with you?
Would you let me take off this mask just for you?

Secret Addiction

You are not made to be an aphrodisiac,
But you work almost better to me.
I sit at dinner surrounded by all,
I smile when the need be,
As natural as my naturally-fake smile allows,
And in silence, I wait.

I wait and watch as the clock ticks,
Counting down earnestly for the hour,
I crave to run back to you as fast as I can,
But I cannot show my longing to all.
So I must be coy,
I must play it cool

If our relationship is known,
No one would understand.
If I let it out that I need you so bad,
People would freak!
Some may say its unnatural, that I'll make you an idol,
But we both know the facts.

I need you, maybe not as much as you need me
I want you, to the point that a daily dose is no longer enough.
I enjoy you, so much so, for you forever make me smile.
I am with you, because with you as a companion, life is never dull.
Did you know that I smile and laugh when I think of you?
Did you know it hurts me the most when you hurt me?

So as I am now, I wait.
Waiting, Watching, Anticipating.
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, since when did time glide by so slowly?
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, I smile back at all who smile at me.
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, finally, time is here!
Did you know, me and you, computer...I won't say...
Why?
Cause it's a secret...