3 Months Down....

....4 years and some change to go.

Congratulations to mi, I just completed my first quarter of PhD graduate school. (Cheerrrrrsssss!!!!)
Here is the much procrastinated count down of 10 things I learned thus far. (Drum rolls!!!!)

10. Being stuck in a location filled with other psychologists (to-be) is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Hence, the appreciation of the quarter system.

9. On that note, completing the first quarter does not, as anticipated, bring with it a sense of relief. Simply more exhaustion.

8. Consistency and communication, among people in office is a thing of the 80s. Inconsistency is the norm now. So generalizability is not only unacceptable with clients, it is also unacceptable with school rules, regulations and instructions. Get with the program.

7. There is a high correlation between Starbucks' coffee sales and the level of tolerance psychologists (who are trained/training to deal with people's feelings) have for each other. If Starbucks is the go-to drug for the 'experts', why are millions still paying for experts??

6. There is, apparently, such a thing as a 'stupid question'.  It is a psychologist's/(to be) job to point that to you, in an ever so passive-aggressive (or what I like to call British polite) way.

5. It is very okay to stereotypically diagnose someone based on your 'cultural consideration'. Also okay to throw that out the window, if I deem an existence of 'clinical impairment'.

4. Saying 'xx is a thing' is, apparently, a thing.

3. The DSM was probably written by a bunch of individuals with a DSM diagnosis, some of whom are certifiable.... (shh, no telling).

2. Overthinking + Psychology classes = Nervous breakdown. Don't do it.

1. In psychology world, there is no such thing as a 'yes' or a 'no'. It ALWAYS depends.

And as a bonus: Kids in this state were raised differently from the rest of the world; AND; they think that it's normal.... 

All Good

So I had a near meltdown last night (explains the last post ><) but I think I'm back together now. Talked to a friend, got scolded and a good talking to. But most of all, I got a dx and an understanding of what I needed to do. 

It's not gonna be easy. I think this is the hardest ish I've ever considered taking on, but I've accepted the challenge. lol. 

So, from now till my birthday, (thats 80 days), I'd do a 'Who am I according to God' daily write up. Cause I need to accept myself for mi as I am, and not according to the distorted view of my mind. I also need to know that no one's automatic reaction is to run away from mi. And even if it is, it's not because of mi or who I am. 

lol

Just thinking about it is scary. Half the time, I feel like bursting into tears when something happens, cause the first thing I think of (these past few days have been so much worse) is that it's my fault. A very nice confirmation bias occurs (out of delusions too). But I want to try and fix this so hopefully, the happy days are not too far away. And hopefully, this process is a success. Read some of my previous posts. It's such a reoccurring theme year after year, it's quite depressing to read. The cycle always ends the same, but this time, it has to be different. I know I've said this before (annually it seems), but I really am tired. 

"This is my train and I run it. I accept and lead, I am mi"

Sometimes

It's been a couple of weeks in Cali, well maybe 2 weeks. While I've found readjusting into the school system (the other end of it) a slightly troubling but fun experience, its the loss of complete independence that I'm having a hard time adjusting to. Coming from living alone, paying my way and getting to places on my own, to having to rely on someone for everything is unsettling. I can't live alone right now cause it's not financially feasible. I can't have a job right now cause there aren't any available to fit my time schedule. I can't go around on my own yet because driving is still a bit dicy for mi.
It's frustrating knowing that I have to ask, and essentially bother, someone else in order to get the necessary things done. I understand that they don't necessarily think that way, but I can't rationally help thinking the way I do. Makes mi wonder if it's because I feel that way (deep down) when people ask mi for help constantly, but then I know this isn't the case. I know, for a fact, that I don't think that way. But why I can't believe others are the same is beyond mi.
Academically, I'm fine. I mean I'm not an idiot. I understand that I need help there when I need it. But it's in other ways.
Like today. I bought a printer. My housemate has two printers in her room. She told mi I could use it anytime I wanted, and even offered mi the option of downloading the CD to my laptop so I can use it whenever. But I bought a printer.
It's not that I didn't trust her offer. It's just....well for one I have the 3 strikes thing. I asked her to help mi print somethings and she forgot. I know it wasn't intentional, but then I feel bad re-asking. So I don't get the things printed, and I loose out. I also don't know what the 'printing page limit' is. Or if I contribute to buying the ink....see how far my train of thought has gone?? I'm not generally that way with people I've known for 6 years and up (at least I like to think so), but it's getting to that time that is work. But then there are some people I feel I won't ever get that way with....
I think the most terrifying thing to mi or rather the hardest thing for mi is not having a job, and having to feel guilty for spending money all over again. Japan cured mi of that. I earned the money and I spent it. I also learned how to budget and things of that nature. Here, it's like a yo-yo diet. I spend money, feel guilty, starve myself of the money, then crash and spend crazy. It's a never ending cycle of insanity.
I want to get the library job. I think I can be really good if I do....or a job of similar nature....
My school does require 16hrs of therapy before the 3rd year. Maybe I can ask my therapist. But then again, maybe I'm just trying to create things to talk about with them.
Anyway I've got assignments to do and papers to write....wrong day for feeling sad....

The Bridge

The tale of the bridge.

A magnificent creature is the bridge.

Standing tall in the open space. The bridge is all that links both sides together. The bridge brings unity, it brings harmony, it makes them one. 

A powerful creature is the bridge. 

The bridge knows both sides independently.  And understands that together, they make a perfect pair, working together, becoming one. 

A unique creature is the bridge.

The bridge moves, and the harmony is gone. Everything falls out of place, the perfect pair stop working, they no longer are one.

A lonely creature is the bridge. 

Stands solo between both halves. When the bridge moves, alone it goes, the perfect pair go back to living their independent lives, no more one.

Alone again, the bridge is. 

Wednesday.

So the surgery is Wednesday. For something I e been praying, hoping, begging and wanting, it's a little odd to mi that I am not as excited as I thought I would be. Maybe it's all the external drama going on around this time.... Well partly. On the other hand, I would be lying if I said the stigma, real or imagined, has an effect. So many what ifs cross my mind. What if people don't understand why?? What if I don't feel better?? What if this makes it even worse and....what ifs. I guess the biggest thing is being unconscious and out of control for so long. Blackouts, medical or otherwise, has never sat well with mi.
But it's scheduled and I'm leaving it in God's hands.

One Night Only

I met this guy,
He was cute, different, funny and not my type.
He loved another and thought I did too.
Which was fine cus I found it funny.
We laughed, we played, we hugged, he kissed,
And with the morning light, he was gone again.


We both said it won't work out.
We both said in a different life it might have been fun.
We both said we were both perfect.
We both knew not for each other.
We both agreed to go our separate ways.


But I did laugh while I was with him.
But I did say my mind with him.
But I did feel like we were on the same plane.
But I did help him with his problems as well.
And I did love him for one night only. 

This is Mi.

Today, I said no to my fling.
I called him over, drunk as hell, and with all intentions to do all shinanigans with him tonight. But then when he came over and we started talking, I realized a few things. 
One thing I realized was I din't want to be that girl. He is back with his girlfriend, and I realized I didn't want to be that girl who slept with the boyfriend of another girl. I realized I didn't want to be the girl he cheated on his girlfriend with. I know how that feels in a sense, and its not a positive ''I want to feel it too" feeling I can tell you that. 
Another thing I also realized is that I have a princess complex. I want to be treated like a princess. I want to be special. I want to be unique. I don't want a guy to come over to have anything to do with mi just because he is horny and needs to get it down - am not the whore queen, I want a guy to come over because he wants mi for mi. 
While this might be something obvious to most, it is actually a new discovery for mi. I have never really liked myself as most can tell. I live within the realms of "'I aint good enough for a lot of things". But at the same time, I realized I really do think of myself in a more positive sense than I thought I did. Even when I am drunk, which I am trying to recover from now. 
I just sent a guy home tonight, a guy I totally want to do in all manner of ways, and I should have done in my currently intoxicated state without question. The only problems he had were two things: he said he had a girlfriend, and he also said he came to mi tonight cause he felt I wanted/needed something from him.
He was wrong in one aspect.
I do want something from him, but I do not need that thing from him. 
I am happy and sad at the moment. Sad because I did not get to fulfill my wonderful desire to be with him. But happy because I know I would wake up tomorrow, look in the mirror and still be able to say to myself and my reflection "This is Mi".
I am a proud mofo and for the first time, I acknowledge and appreciate that fact.  I am too wonderfully and perfectly made to be some guys jerk off barbie. 


Funny thing is, I am still not sober yet. But I will not be sleeping or doing anything with anyone tonight, and the only guilty feeling I will be waking up with, will be of the reversible kind. 
If I aint special to you, we aint gonna be doing shit.


Case closed.

She

Transfixed between earth and the after life,
The gate way: revered, feared, misunderstood.
She stands there, spread out, without notice.
She demands, she cares and all must fall in.


The whispers of her name ring across the world,
The tales of her powers are as old as God's first.
She can bring a nation to it's knees with one strike,
She can set freedom to the captives with one blow.


Tempting seductress, she entices many,
Taxing master, she terrorizes the rest.
She bleeds fear out from her pores.
She rides the world between her illusive hips.


There is not one who has or can resist her seductive melodies,
There stands one alone to have returned from her unknown.
She stands proud. Ageless, timeless, forever to be till she is undone. 
She is death, cold and divine.

....All She Can....

She smiles then you smile,
She stays then you stay,
She laughs then you laugh,
She says she is leaving and your shattered.
Without her, you seem to fall apart,
And all she can do is watch you.


Her words give you breath,
Her voice gives you life,
Her sight gives you strength,
Her hatred is your worst fear.
Without her, you seem weak all over,
And all she can do is watch you.


In her palms rest your heart,
In her palms rest your soul,
In her palms rest your life,
One squeeze and you are off the cliff.
Without her, you are a lifeless doll.
And all she can do is watch you.


Would you ever be really happy?
Would you ever be really whole?
Would you ever be really free?
Would she ever tell you the truth?
....All she can do is watch you....

Kitty-Kat

9 lives had the cat,
now one lost he.
9 lives had the cat,
the world could see.
One life gone away,
So let him be.

Many year books closed,
invincible thought she.
Many year books closed,
life intact: Incredible thought she.
This year book unend,
do let her grieve.

The 9th life missed the cat,
now lost is he.
The 9th life missed the cat,
how sad he be.
Unexpectedly taken from him,
how cruel this is.

9 lives had the cat,
now with the 8 all grieve.
9 lives had the cat,
does he mourn or rejoice?
9 lives now has the cat,
to guard jealously he must.

In memory of Didi Machu, November 2009.
....bazamu manta da sunanki da sorri...
。。。でも今、さよなら。。。

I sit here and wonder....

I sit and wonder sometimes what happened to the good old days when countries went to war and soldiers were led by their leaders, i.e. Kings and Queens? When people went to war for reasons other than 'I think they would attack me'?
Now the soldiers march off to war and the leaders stay home to 'monitor and give instructions'. Ah gone are the good old days where the Kings and Queens were the country not only in name but in body as well, and they fought for those countries. They shed their own blood with that of their people, and when they won, they could proudly say 'I bleed for my country'. Now they get chatted off to some secret safe island, and they proudly say 'We weep with the families of those who bleed'.
Ha!
And no, I don't mean that the military should take over, for even that makes no difference. The name for the 'King or Queen' is simply changed. He/She is still taken to safety.
Whats my point?
I believe when the actual leaders are really in the battle, then it would not be so easy to make the decision to go to war. It would not be so easy to say 'send more troops in'. It would not be so easy to say 'I'm sorry he is gone, but he made his country proud'.

I sit here and wonder, when did War become a game of chess, with the Kings or Queens playing with human targets and even having a stand in sometimes for 'checkmate'? Only thing worse than a game of chess with humans is a game of never-ending chess with humans. The goal is to out-number the opponent into surrendering. So basically the country with the most population wins in the end cause the King-Queen can and will keep sending more pawns and pieces into the game, until there are no more left.
This is a war, they say.... casualties are expected.
Ah but pls, tell mi all this when the call to 'Charge' is made by the person leading the 'Charge'....

I sit here and wonder....

Sing to mi a song....

Write mi a letter saying how much you adore mi,
Play mi a song with lyrics that would move my tears.

Take pictures of mi when I don't know and send them to cheer mi,
Draw my face as you see mi and make mi smile always.

Put a rose on the pillow every morning for mi,
Pick mi flowers for the hell of it and pray I smile.

Take my mind off the world and all the cruelty of it,
Step into my fantasies and make them a reality.

Kiss mi gently with whispering words from your lips,
Kiss mi passionately like the world's end is in sight.

Pray with mi when I pray like you are praying for you,
Pray for mi when am away like I do you.

Remember my stars and make wishes as they fall with mi,
Bring mi the stars and make all my nights the starry night.

Grant mi these wishes, as I hope to grant yours too,
Do for mi these things, more than Romeo did for his Juliet.

Write mi a letter saying how much you adore mi,
Write mi a letter just to say 'hello' to mi....

This is art: The world would know

Art is the voice of the soul.
The only way the world can hear it. When the soul weeps, the world hears it in the art. When the soul is joyful, the world hears it in the art. And when the soul is lonely, the world hears it in the art. Its funny how hard the artist tries to fake a forever joyful emotion, but once the art is displayed, the world can tell. The words, the colors, the sound, the notes, the shape, scene....the world can tell.

The world would know.
Art cant hide the pain, art cant hide the joy. Art cant play 'fake', art cant be 'fake', the world would know. The artist has his emotions out on sale and the world buys it. Sometimes cheap, sometimes at a price, but it always buys it. The artist loves the art, the artist hates the art. The world might kill the art, the world might give it life. Whatever the world chooses, a piece of the artist is taken. A pound of flesh for each piece...
This is the art: The world would know...

Love/hate

I want to cry so hard right now,
but the tears won't fall.
I want to laugh so hard right now,
but the emotions wont blend.
Is it so bad that I hate and love them at the same time?
Is it so bad that they do not know that I feel this way?

I know whatever I do, it would always be them then mi.
I know no matter how hard I try to get gone,
I would never be able to forget that fact.
Is it so bad that I wish to be them for a second at least?
Is it so bad that I don't like them much when they don't like themselves?

I step out and watch it try to move,
And that has been, till date, the one thing that has made mi want to puke.
It is hard for mi to get nauseous, so when I do, it is serious.
i do for it, so I think it is serious.
We pretty fucked up aint we?

I made a promise to mi,
But then when you do that, it is kinda hard to tell fake from reality.
Of course not with mi,
I mean we have established that fact right?

I got shit for last night,
Probably gonna get some more for tonight.
But right now I don't care,
Life seems short and I think a buzz makes it better still.

Its sad that I have fallen into the habit of making boys my 'brother material',
Even sadder that I don't know how to undo that.
But I think later on I would see the silver lining in all of this,
But for now, sad is all I can be.

My ex wrote a poem about 'love being dead'.
It seemed he only realized that now, poor thing.
I wanted to ask him where he had been all this while,
When Love took the high road and never looked back.

But then I keep thinking, 'did I do that to him?'
But that would be too ambitious of mi right?
So I pray and hope some other girls did that,
So I don't add to my list of 'Hate mi' reasons.

Now I am off to bed for the day,
With no boy at hand or in mind, I am fine this way.
Some think I am too scared to admit liking some guys,
Others claim I am in denial.

I think a little bit of both and more would do.
I might want a guy,
But previous expirience makes it hard for mi to believe he wants mi too,
And even harder to believe he wants mi first...

But like I said, I am pretty fucked up tonight.
Had too much to drink and much more to say that I think I would regret in the morning.
But now that I am sobering up and I look back,
I think I had fun.

Sure I said some shit I would rather have kept with mi,
Sure I did somethings I would not have done as just mi,
But all in all, I think I was good.
And I think, no matter what others would say, tonight was a good night.

I do hate them both a lot,
I do not enjoy the nights after I go out with them,
But the times I do,
I try not to think about it too much, and in the end, the night is always a good night...

Forget me not

Forget me not my darling,
For in the time we have been apart,
I fear that the color of your eyes have grown cold.
So I plead, forget me not my darling,
Forget me not.