One Night Only

I met this guy,
He was cute, different, funny and not my type.
He loved another and thought I did too.
Which was fine cus I found it funny.
We laughed, we played, we hugged, he kissed,
And with the morning light, he was gone again.


We both said it won't work out.
We both said in a different life it might have been fun.
We both said we were both perfect.
We both knew not for each other.
We both agreed to go our separate ways.


But I did laugh while I was with him.
But I did say my mind with him.
But I did feel like we were on the same plane.
But I did help him with his problems as well.
And I did love him for one night only. 

When You are Mad

Why is it always like a roller coaster with you?? One minute you are smiling happily, and the next minute there is a war. She can't possibly make you happy, no matter how hard she tries. Yet you burden her with that seemingly impossible task. Fight as lovers, talk as friends, live as siblings and communicate as strangers. This undefined relationship is quite tasking.
But I guess this means nothing to you, as you don't care.
Selfish beyond comparison. It ached today. Funny how she feels nothing, but when it comes to pain, there seems to be a swinging door with a sign that reads 'Always Welcome'.
Sometimes you make her feel like the hopeless mistress, the other woman, in this illicit affair, where no one but you derives absolute pleasure. Which would be fine if this was so and you are always happy, but you are not and it is not.
You are miserable, and that's plain as day. All sides wish to curse you for forcing her to have to watch you willingly relive this nightmare that you call love, over and over till it seems you would break from it. All sides wish to curse you for putting her through this predicament and web of unwanted emotions. Yet as much as she wants to, she can't help but understand the fact that your sadness hurts her, and that it would be impossible for her to curse you. Even in jest.
Masochist you both are, no?? And I left to watch and wonder in semi disgust at the spectacle she makes, have to still look upon her with a weary eye. What happens to her with this game goes to far and she cannot separate herself from the web?? What happens to her if, by some miracle, you do get your fantasy dream??
You are both as similar as black is to white; as they are colors, and day is to night; as the are reps of time, yet just as different in some areas. You are both of the relationship between the sun and the moon, yet the part each of you plays is that is still but a mystery to Mi. I don't know if you are the sun and she the moon, or if she is the moon and you the sun sometimes. I do know you hurt her, in ways she can't even explain without coming off wrong.
*sigh
You would like to see her go wild?? Funny, the time seems close at hand....
These and much more I do ponder on when you are mad....

Resevoir Chronicles: "Thats who I am"

I close my eyes and I see your tears,
I close my eyes and I see your smile,
I close my eyes and I see you saying goodbye,
I close my eyes, and all I see is you.

I am aware of how you feel,
I am aware of how you think,
I am aware of how you are,
I am aware I dont comprehend the logic behind it all.

You always say whats on your mind,
You always say how you feel,
You always do as you please,
You always....its always about you.

You say you are listening,
You say you do understand,
You say you know what I am talking about,
You say a lot of things you don't mean.

Deciding when to come, you came.
Deciding when to leave, you left.
Deciding we be intimate, it did not matter.
Deciding all this, you did alone, we have/had no say.

Deciding the story, you make the play.
Deciding the characters, you act the part.
Deciding the ending, you take the bow.
Deciding the audience....wait, where do we come in??

Can I say....

'That's enough' is your standard response,
Who would have guessed it was never words alone?
I have been running in circles,
Am calling it quits now. Taking a rest.

'Thats my best friend' you say a lot.
Who can believe when it's always a lie.
I am tired of begging, talking, this circular journey.
Am finaly giving you your wish, I'll tell you good bye....

I wish I could say....

"That's who I am"

Reservoir Chronicles: Emotic Alien (Sequel )

Juxtaposed fountain of emotions,
Emotions that dispute themselves.
Selfish, spoiled, juvenile and problematical.
Lovable, adorable, beautiful and child like.

Insatiable sun of a gun,
Perfection can only happen your way,
All other lanes are closed, only what you say goes:
In your little world and the real one too.

Lost and lonely kitten,
Fragile yet strong, strong yet fragile.
Sometimes with your heart at the tip of our fingers,
Scared to breathe for fear we drop it and kill you.

Now locked up away in chains forever,
Your heart does seem. Cold to behold through your eyes.
You choose to run and save yourself; from what, I don't know.
Forgetting that once out, a heart freed can never be relocked the same.

Reservoir Chronicles: Emotic Alien

Terror,
Unexplainable terror chokes mi,
As the expression on your face changes.
Pain,
Unexplainable pain pierces mi,
As I see the look now in your eyes.
Fear,
Unexplainable fear captivates mi,
As you turn and I think you are to leave.
You pause and ask for a reason to stay,
And tears are the only response I can bring up.

I can't find the words to explain to you how I feel.
Yet the terror for the pain that accompanies your reaction
to my lack of explanation,
Is worse than the terror that chokes mi with your expressions.
How do I tell you its not you I fear, but the idea that is you?
How do I tell you that first impressions for mi begin with fear,
and people always begin on pillars?
how do I tell you that my own self esteem,
or lack of it thereof,
Leads mi to think everyone an angel,
Till I find that which makes them human again?
A lass, how do I tell you that for you, I have found many a human factors,
But still, none strong enough to break this?

My hands are shaking,
I can already feel you leaving.
My voice is shaking,
I can already feel you gone.
How do i stop you?
It seems like every step I take is a mile from you,
But then again, I notice there was already a milestone crater
before us,
And that, I had nothing to do with.

So I watch us fall into an awkward silence,
And I count the seconds with my clock
As it ticks away.
Knowing in a few minutes you would say 'I am leaving',
And I would sigh because there is no way to stop you.
Knowing you would walk out the door, and in a little while,
follow with a message.
Knowing I would now wish this dream, now nightmare, were but only
a dream.
And the clock would continue to tick away....

Lilith's Game

There once was a girl,
who lived under a spell.
She cried up a well,
but dreamt in a shell.

There once was a girl,
Who rolled down to a cell,
She prayed the guards would tell,
but got to rot in hell..

I once knew of this lady,
fair beauty, quite contrary.
Had the pure smile of a baby,
But the deceitful heart of the enemy.

I once knew of this lady,
who sang more beautiful than the canary.
Her laugh made the males crazy,
But with a blade she produced the grand finale.

There once was a creatress,
Who built worlds of lies.
Men poured in gold and blood at her requests,
While she watched their dieing hearts try desperately to rise.

There once was a seductress,
men named the destroyer.
For they built her a fortress,
while their hearts burned in fire.

Seductive Illusion

She sits and smiles at the clear blue skies,
In just a moment he would come by,
In just a moment she would look up and smile.
He holds out the flowers and box of chocolate,
Perfect date it seems, till she tries to receive,
and finds out when its too late.
The pictures crumble,
Her smile fumbles.
Suddenly the skies are not so blue,
His image no longer true.
The bell rings and she opens her eyes,
A tear rolls down as she remembers and cries.
Remembers once more her perfect world of lies.
Yet another flirty moment with a seductive illusion.

Fireflies

Glowing around mi,
Illuminate my night,
Closer stars, tochable to mi.
Formidable fire,
Yet gentle to the touch,
Pretty like the burning flames,
Its sights sucks you in like the fires of Hades.
Attractive and tempting as sin,
Yet without the sting.
Bright and yellow, with the same glow,
But still without the sting.

But it falls slowly to the ground,
Slowly, still with grace.
Upon my palm it landed,
Pretty little fire was it.
Burn for mi one last time,
I watch its blaze slowly die out,
And as it goes, I turn my palm to let it fall.

I watch it for another second,
But the blaze above now yonder,
It calls mi.
Glowing, burning, seductive like the fires of sin.
What is in the blaze?
Ah I see....
Fireflies.
Glowing around mi....

This is art: The world would know

Art is the voice of the soul.
The only way the world can hear it. When the soul weeps, the world hears it in the art. When the soul is joyful, the world hears it in the art. And when the soul is lonely, the world hears it in the art. Its funny how hard the artist tries to fake a forever joyful emotion, but once the art is displayed, the world can tell. The words, the colors, the sound, the notes, the shape, scene....the world can tell.

The world would know.
Art cant hide the pain, art cant hide the joy. Art cant play 'fake', art cant be 'fake', the world would know. The artist has his emotions out on sale and the world buys it. Sometimes cheap, sometimes at a price, but it always buys it. The artist loves the art, the artist hates the art. The world might kill the art, the world might give it life. Whatever the world chooses, a piece of the artist is taken. A pound of flesh for each piece...
This is the art: The world would know...

Rats

No matter what team you play for, the good or the bad, there is one common sin that is taboo: Betrayal. This is why when Robert Ford murdered Jesse James, he did not get an applaud from the world as he had hoped for, but got a silver, and yes I know it was silver, bullet in the head from the 'good' team. This is why when Judas Iscariot ratted out on Jesus, he did not live long enough to enjoy even one piece of the silver he got in the end. Even the Pharisees despised him. Sure enough the disciples would not have killed him and would have forgiven him because Jesus thought them to, but to live with them, knowing that each time they looked at him, thought about him or mentioned the name Jesus, it would always be added "and Judas betrayed him", was a heavier burden than death seemed to be. Betrayal is a seed from the same tree as murder, because you kill the betrayed in some form or the other. It is also not worth the grieve and heart ache you suffer as payment, no matter what the promised reward was. How do you sleep in the same house (as guest or other), eat together, laugh together and cry together with a person and turn around to hurt them INTENTIONALLY? This is why you don't blame the man who shot his wife and best-friend when he found them together in bed. That's taking two knives in the heart at the same time, most people die from that! At first everyone would be mad that he murdered them, but then after a while, he becomes the victim, and his sins are forgotten. Now I am not telling you which side you are to walk on, because God knows I am not qualified to do that, but when you do choose, stick to it.
Don't try to walk the line or be the 'good guy' in the 'bad guy's squad' or the 'bad guy' in the 'good guy's squad', because even if you live to tell the tale, no one would trust you. Your team won't for obvious reasons, the other team won't, well because you have 'traitor' stamped on your forehead. And please, please, please, whatever you do, don't self sacrifice. Don't tell me "someone has to do it" so therefore you decide to take it upon yourself to pull the trigger knowing you would be hated by the world for it even though you did them a favor, because lets face it, that's why the cops are there (and 'cops' here could be authority figure in any form depending on the situation). They already took an oath with the hidden message: "I'm gonna play savior and be the do the shitty job no one wants" and so there is no reason for you to do their job. Everyone knows the truth, but no one wants to say it. Deciding to say it would mean becoming an outcast. But then we need the truth in life.
Solution?
Mankind created official 'traitors' just like designated drivers. You hate them because they don't drink with you, they think they are better than you and you think they judge you every time, but then deep down you know you love them. Sure you may not show it from time to time, but when you are drunk (or with cops in trouble), they are the first ones you call. Now un-designated drivers who take on the jobs or designated drivers simply piss you off because you KNOW for a fact this time that they are judging you and don't drink with you and think they are better than you, except this time, you did not give them permission to do so.
I think I am ranting.

So basically, betrayal is being an 'amebo' as Nigerians would say. Doing a job you are not asked to. If the authorities had killed Jesse James, he would have gone down in history as a criminal. But since Rob did us the favor, he went down in history as the victim of betrayal. Which is an automatic 'get out of jail' free card for anyone, no matter what kind of shit you have attached to your name.

I think the point I tried to make in the above bla..bla..bla..would be: Don't be a Rat, cause no one likes rats.

Trilogy: My Pain

The ultimate punishment is...
Death.
No, not one's death as is often thought, but the death of another.

When there is a love triangle involving two girls and a guy for instance, one of the girls usually feels she has more right to be with the guy than the other. But if he is interested in the other girl, she decides to commit suicide.
This is the ultimate punishment. They can never be together because apart they feel guilty, together, the feel guilt and loss, to the point that it turns to hate for each other.

When a mother abandons her child, and then ten years later she comes back for forgiveness, of course the child is not interested. Everyone calls her a bad mother and tries to send her away. But then she announces that she is suddenly terminally ill, and the entire world turns against the son, demanding that he forgives her. Him forgiving her or not in the end does not change the fact that he gets to loose her twice: Once when she abandoned him, and the other to death. The child already lived his life thinking his fate was punishment for some crime he had committed as a child. Her death would prove his point more in his eyes would it not? It would take a miracle to keep that kid from going south, won't it?

Have a fight with someone, and you know you are wrong. Maybe you said something that upset them really bad, and drove them over the edge. They commit suicide, and you never really get a chance to say "I'm Sorry." So you are left wondering if it was truly your fault that this unfortunate demise occurred, or if it was bound to happen anyway in the end.

You get a message that a certain friend is bitter towards you, yet you have not the faintest idea why. And in all seriousness of the matter, he or she fails to talk to you from that point onwards, despite your desperate attempts to make peace for what the devil himself knows not of. Then in a fatal accident, he is ripped away from life, and you are left with the pain and regret in your heart. What is it that I did to wrong him? Did he ever forgive me? And if, pray it be a blessing still, you are Christian, you are burdened by the additional plague that this certain someone might not have made it to heaven because he died harboring a fight in his heart against you. Now while some may say the fact that you apologized makes you free from guilt, it is totally impossible to be free now is it not? You were more than mere acquaintances with this fellow, and to believe that you have something to do with the fact that you two might never meet again, not even in the after life, or at least not above is too sad for words...and yes, is also truly a form of punishment for that sin...

Death.

Many believe death to self is the ultimate punishment. Yes it may be a free pass to eternal damnation, but it is bloody hell more painful to remain with the pain in the heart.
I have never been to the other side, thank heavens, but I have been on this end, and I have seen death that came with it more than the pain and sorrows of loosing the deceased. I have known death that unraveled a once tightly formed bond, so much so that the members become worse than strangers...but simply members of the human race, cohabiting the same space. Too disgusted to be more than that to each other, yet bound by some final wish made at a death bed to remain together.

How ironic it seems, that an unloved lover tells her lover to be happy with the woman he has picked over her, while the doctor clearly states that the cause of her death is that of betrayed love?
How ironic it seems, that we say we fear the unknown and try to stay clear of it to keep 'safe', yet the minute one is pushed to a far wall in an extreme situation, death - which is by far the greatest of the unknowns - is the first exit considered by most?

This punishment. This thorn. This tragedy. This plague. This force that we do not understand, yet holds so much of us bound and controls half of our fate - the other half controlled by its mortal opposite, life.
Death. How we fear it, how we shy from it. Yet when the heart turns cold and life is shed aside...how we run to it.

The pain I feel

So I sprained my ankle today, and it hurts lyk hell! But then I noticed one thing, I actually prefer this pain to the other. I have never been a masochist, and frankly I dont intend to become one now! I certainly do not derive any pleasure from pain, but I actually see what it means to get relief from a lesser pain. Like that episode in 'House" when House broke his pinky to divert his pain sensors attention to the new and less painful feeling he felt, as opposed to the one in his leg.

But then I dont know how long I can hold up though. With the former, I could sleep and for that time forget about it and wake up with some minute of peace and solitude. But with this one, a slight movement hurts the most. And no, I still cannot shed a tear. So right now I wonder if this really is better? I cant cry it out, so I bear it...though I am one breath short of screaming. Wish I had some Valium or something strong to knock me out and make this pain go.

It hurts.

The trilogy: My promise...

Whenever you have two voices inside you, telling you what to do, go with the quite voice. You may think its the shy voice and the unsure one, but you are wrong. It is the voice within. It has come a long way to get the message across to you. It stays deep because that is where the good in you resides. Hidden away from the pollutions of this world. Hidden away safe and guarded, so it never gets hit by "in comings". Nothing can penetrate into its core. Believe me, I know. For it is hidden so deep, and guarded by several forces. Evil never gets past the first force, no matter how terrible a person may be.

Sure it gets weaker and weaker the more "in comings" you let in. It gets harder to fight as it makes it's way up. It looses more of it's strength as it comes to deliver its message, but it never gives up. It never, and would never die out no matter how hard the fight becomes. It plays no quitter's game, nor walks in the loser's way. It would make the journey, and amazingly, in time too!

This is my promise, no matter how horrible or shitty your life gets, no matter how far on the other side you think you may have gone, deep inside you, there is still some good. Yes it may be small compared to the rest of you, but deep down, there is still some good. This is why I don't think anyone doesn't have the right to live. One might kill and then keep on killing, making everyone believe that they don't deserve to live, but then when you take a second to look past your rage and hatred for that person, you probably would find a scared child within. Killing has defined that one for so long, that it becomes scary to think of going any other way. Soon he or she may tell him/herself that too many have died to turn back now. Thus they ignore that voice. But I promise when a hand is stretched out, and they know coming out, though it may bring them pain and much suffering, would not be done alone, they listen to that voice within, and let it be the guiding force for their next move.