Letter to You for Them

You say it’s not real. Factory made; 1st world generated to profit the pharmaceuticals. You say if you have Christ, you can’t get it. You ask what are you feeling that way for?? You ask why?? You ask what made you that way. You ask why can’t you shake it off?? 

Cancer is a disease with a tumor. With and without Christ, a tumor can grow. Who knows a reason for its existence? Most cancers are treated with chemotherapy. An exhausting, tiring and grueling experience. Tiring. At some point, some give up. Some say no more; they ask for rest and they get it. They are told well done. 

This tumor isn’t visible. This tumor eats at the mind instead. But it’s devastating nonetheless. The treatment is an exhausting, tiring and grueling experience.  But why is it not okay to want to rest?? Why is it not okay to be told you’ve done well?? 

“You can say well done; I know it’s hard, I know it’s tiring. You’ve done well, you’ve fought well. You’ve come this far, don’t give up now.” You could say that. That acknowledges the pain; that acknowledges the hurt. 

That says “I see you; I hear you; I’m with you; I support you; I love you; I’m praying for you.” You could say that and maybe, just maybe, it will bring the strength to fight another day. 

Maybe that will make one feel a little stronger and want to believe in healing, in miracles, in a clear day. 

But when you say it is a factory made, first world problem; when you say as long as you have Christ, you can’t have it, then you have invalidated the pain, the fight, struggle and hope. 

You kill with your words and actions faster than it does. 

xo

Tales by Moonlight

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ponder the question 

“am I really happy?? 

What can make me happy??” 

My best friend says I get bored easily; loose interest in things almost as suddenly as the frenzy that takes a hold of mi when I gain interest in them. The only things that haven’t come to bore mi are language, travel and writing; but I suspect that is simply due to the fleeting and rare opportunities I have to practice them. 

The limited-edition-like feeling remains fresh each time. I long for something always, yet I don’t quite know the name of it. 

Some psychologists will suggest acceptance in order to arrive at happiness. But the act of accepting is almost synonymous with settling.

 I feel trapped and caged. Yet I know the door is open; though I remain unaware of what direction to fly off to. 

So, I write. I write and hope for the fog to lift someday. 

Heaven Knows Best

A cry for help we call it.
We all rationalize and try to explain it. But I don't think there is a rational explanation for the pain that comes with emotional distress. The kind that makes you constantly exhausted even after hours of rest. The kind that makes you constantly lonely even in the midst of people you know believe they care. The kind that makes you constantly yearning, even with an abundance.
When the darkness closes in, it feels suffocating; foreign yet familiar. Threatening and nonthreatening at the same time. You want to tell someone, but the fear that they wouldn't understand, or worse, offer you that hope that you believe won't last keeps you. You want to tell someone, but it feels like the darkness will intensify; engulf and swallow you if you speak out or make your presence known.
And then slowly, you give up fighting; give up wrestling; stop hoping. A calmness sets in, as you feel it become you.

Woke up to the news of Shinee's Junghyun's death.

RIP

xo

1012 for the 12th time

So I woke up on the 11^th and realized I had missed the 10^th without a second thought. It was an odd feeling for me, moving forward?? Forgetting?? Growing up?? Life happening?? I can’t still place it. December 10^th has always been a day of mixed feelings for me; melancholic happiness so to speak. This year, maybe because my schedule was so off and I was down with a cold….ah, excuses. I am still going to back date this post cause it is for the 10th after all :) 

This year, I am celebrating the lives of the two survivors, more so my dear friend. This year, I am thankful for the continued healing process, both for the survivors and for family and friends. This year, I am grateful for the ability to remember with a smile, no matter how bitter sweet. This year, I can honestly say, I am better than I was before.

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2017:

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

So....

someone else. Well more like I’m mad he doesn’t like mi I guess. I don’t think I want  a relationship, I just want him to like mi. And I hate the feeling. Especially cause he likes my friend. A lot. 

I want to go home. Sleep in the parking lot, I don’t care. Anywhere but hers. I’m not fit to drive. I shouldn’t be behind the wheels. But I guess I like him more then I thought and I can’t be with her. I just want to be with myself. 

He likes her. 
He dotes on everyone. I want to go home. 

I like him. 

I don’t want this.  

I’m tired

So, take mi home....

I don’t like him.

 I just want the attention and I was mad about that. 

I just liked feeling special and got mad when it was taken away. 

Hand on my shoulder....

Hey, 

It's been a while since you've drifted through my mind, even longer since I remembered the last interaction - ironically the first in months - we ever had. The way we abruptly ended taught me that I never wanted to have any regrets in life. You leaving hurt just as everyone else's did; except more because I never got to know "why." Our friend knows why, or at least she says she does. But wouldn't it be silly and selfish of mi to ask her about it now, 12 years later?? I'm sure she loved you more, or at least in a different way than I did. I'm okay now though. The pain, guilt, regret, hurt....all those are gone. I smile now when I think of you. Not a happy smile, more wishful in nature, but not sad either. I've also learned to let go when I can't figure out how, when or why someone is upset with mi and would not say....well that depends on the someone. Because heaven knows that if I had the chance back then and now, I would stalk you like I did before to make up with you, get you to smile and laugh with mi once more. I would give anything to know that my worst fears, the words I was told back then are not true, and that you are in deed fine and resting peacefully. Anything to know that I would definitely see you smile and laugh again. 

xo

Mi

Delight??

Nothing excites me anymore. 

I lay awake at night cause the prospect of sleeping is unappealing. Yet as the morning dawns, I wish the night would go on some more because the sun comes with a new day I have to engage with and socialise. 

I'm not sad or depressed. I just....am

That I may delight in your word....

What does that mean?? More specifically, what does it mean to delight in something?? Take pleasure in?? Now I don't remember what that feels like. At least not for an extend period of time. 

How are you??

Dread that question more and more recently. I don't know how to answer. "I'm fine" sounds like a lie even to my ears, and always comes with a follow up question. But it isn't exactly that I'm not fine either. I mean I don't think it is. 

Rambling. 

My reality distractors are no longer working. Feels like I need to "up the dose" to get my fix. But I've gotten to the max for all current vices, no motivation to seek out others so here we are at the stand still. Everything feels effortful. My immediate thought is "too much work." 

I wish I was into things that granted euphoria. 

Ah, there it is....my revolving companion....free fall. 

xo

The Question of Loyalty

Loyalty.

I've never given much thought to the boundaries of that word, never had much cause to honestly. Until my experience this weekend. In summary, simply because I have no desire to rehash the upsetting affair in full, my friend's bf was verbally disrespectful to mi in public, and her response was to "stand in the middle" so to speak, not taking "sides". In the moment, I didn't think much of her response or lack of one thereof. I was more interested in going home and removing myself from the situation. But then once I got home, showered and had my second favorite ice cream, I had the mental space to be upset at her, and the word loyalty began floating in the air.

First off, i think regardless of the circumstance, there are no grounds for your bf to be disrespectful to your friend. You, as the common factor, are responsible for (for lack of a better word) checking him, as being disrespectful to your friend(s) is the same as being disrespectful to you. The reverse - friend disrespecting boyfriend - is also true.

Second, loyalty came to my mind because I have consistently been asked since -  do I want to remain friends knowing fully well that he will remain in her life and that I do believe she had the same "sweep it under the rug/no one was at fault" style response to both of us??
But then again, is it fair/"loyal" to cut off a friendship because of a boyfriend?? Ah, but many a relationships have died for less.

I think what bothered mi the most was that she continued to excuse his behaviour, as she tried to explain the situation and apologise for creating a situation where we (bf and I) would interact, as we have "opposite personalities". Does being a objectionable pass as a personality then?? And what personality does not clash with that?? Saying we disagreed due to "opposite personalities" makes the event partly my fault, and that is frustrating as I don't think saying I don't want to wait an hour in line just because a location had great reviews when we were already pressed for time, tired and hungry, warranted the come back I got. Also, she had previously stated that he was frustrated with her, but because he couldn't speak to her in "that manner" (the manner with which he spoke to mi), he carried out his frustrations on mi....so it's not an issue of "opposite personalities", but childishness/poor emotional regulation then??

OK, I guess I am still very much upset by the event. But I don't even have the energy to engage in "fixing this", and as my default is to let go and walk away, I'm sitting here contemplating, albeit ambivalently, as she plays pendulum between the two of us. I'll let you know what I decide once I get bored of sitting.

Alright, rant over.

xo

My love for K-Stars

so recently, TOP was hospitalized for an overdose and I discovered the true meaning of having a compulsion to manage an obsessive thought/anxiety. I kept refreshing my search browser with every rising heart rate. So I'll be calm, feel my heart rate speeding up after thirty mins, refresh browser, no bad news?? Ok, calm again. Reset. Repeat. It got so bad my brother was calming mi down. lol I'm a mess.

When did I become that intense fan girl?? You would think a member of my family was in critical condition. But then in a way, wasn't it though?? A different kind but one nonetheless.
Now this is one group. How do people with multiple biases do it??

Ok random post done.

It's been a while by the way. Will do a brief life update later :)

xo

The New Rules for LSD: Chapter 5 (Part 3)

Been a little while, but here is the next part for our lovely book summary. Enjoy, and as always, some of these sentences are direct quotes. 

Chapter 5: Love Is (Part 3: Paul's list B)

(Not) Self-seeking. 

* Again, love puts the needs of others first. 

* Deciding to be 'not self-seeking' is the fastest way to find out if your love interest is self-seeking. 

* You give give + they take take only = You run run. 

Provocative: "Not easily angered"

* Love doesn't get stirred up, wound up, set off, ticked off. No short fuse. 

* Love = No reactions; only responses. 

* The other party may push your buttons, but ultimately, they are YOUR buttons. You choose how you respond. 

* If someone's words stirs something inside of you, it's inside you. i.e. It's a you problem. Own it, deal with it. Same should go for love interest. 

Record Keepers

* "Love keeps no record of wrongs." (Stereotypically speaking, this is a hard task for women, speaking as one lol). 

* Record keepers are right, which is the challenge. That is, the other party did do the things in the record. However, re-telling the past hurts the relationship in this case. 

* Behavioural patterns do need to be examined, yes, but not by a significant other. And by request only. 

* Practice forgiving and pretending to forget with regards to recounting past sins in a present issue. Don't hold the past over the other party. 

* You don't want to be reminded of your failures. Neither does anyone else. 

Believing is Seeing. 

"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (1 Corinthians 13:6-7). 

* Meaning - love chooses to see the best and believe the best while choosing to overlook the rest. 

* Love is hopeful. Does not search for bad behaviour. Instead, it looks for and celebrates good behaviours. 

* Record keep the good behaviours, feel free to bring those up and credit the other party. 

* Paul may suggest that true love chooses to be blind (to failures); focuses on success. 

* When a partner doesn't come through on something, they create a gap. It is up to you to decide to fill the gap with trust or suspicion: believe the best or suspect the worst. 

* Love perseveres: it continues to love even when there are reasons not to. 

* Trust builds trust. When both parties choose trust over suspicion, the relationship moves in a healthier direction.

Un-Natural

* None of love's traits come naturally. Or rather, none of the trays are sustained naturally (constantly there, despite the situation). 

* Romance comes naturally. But to sustain it, you need patience, kindness, humility and a short memory (characteristics of love). 

Now we have learned what love is, next stop....

 Chapter 6: The Gentleman's Club (For the male readers). 

....to be continued....

....On Thin Ice....

I see the cracks,
stand,
stuck in the middle,
waiting for the shatter.

Joggling glass balls,
standing on thin ice,
lightly,
surrounded by fire.

I look yonder,
they've let go.
Balls in orbit, they suspended
against gravity.

He holds them up,
humans, balls and all.
The ice remains thin,
yet it holds;
because He commands it to.

I should let go.
I should step away.
I should let Him take over.
Why can't I let go??

The New Rules for LSD: Chapter 5 (Part 2)

Chapter 5: Love Is (Part 2: Paul's list)

Before I started reading the different breakdowns, I thought I had a decent handle on the different traits. 3 sentences in, I discovered I'm pretty sure I need to work on a lot more than I thought, patience to begin with.

Love is Patient: 1 Corinthians 13:4

* "Patience is the decision to move at someone else's pace, rether than pressuring them to match yours.'
* 'Patience is choosing to do less than you are capable of, for the sake of keeping in step with someone else.'
* Pace: of understanding, making decisions, conversations, career advancement, decision/readiness for parenthood, decision to take relationship to the next level....
* Pace = decision to pause - push.
* Pace (patience) = Decision; Impatience = Emotion
* Patience isn't natural. We naturally assume our pace is the right pace.
* Love is patient: never pressures the other to move at own pace. Love defers to the other's pace.
* Love is patient = submission; putting other person first.

Love is Kind: 1 Corinthians 13:4
* "To be kind is to leverage one's strength on behalf of another."
* To be kind is to put ourselves at someone else's disposal.
* Kindness = decision; decision to do for others what they cannot do for themselves in that moment.
* Unkindness kills romance immediately. Kindness = most important in relationships.
* How do you respond to weakness in others when there is nothing to be gained??
* Pay attention to how a potential partner responds to those they perceive as weak: kind or unkind??
* Unkindness doesn't go away with the help of sex and/or a ring

Love Does Not:  1 Corinthians 13:4

"Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

* Envy, boastful and pride = expressions of insecurity; they undermine the foundations of a relationship; toxic trio.
* Also kills romance.
* Expressed in form of sarcasm, criticism and public disrespect.
* For instance: Success can be threatening. The root of envy runs deeper than the current relationship always. It's not the receiver' fault.
* Envy = individual problem; not relationship problem.
* How do you react to the success of people close to you??
* If you have an issue with envy: ignore initial impulse to bring the other party down and instead choose to celebrate the individual. Don't stay quiet or neutral. Chose to celebrate. Practice in everyday relationships.
* Boast: Don't try to one-up the other person's story. Listen and celebrate them.
* Pride: Keeps us ferom celebrating others.

Dis-Honouring:  1 Corinthians 13:5

"Love does not dishonour."

* Honour: Making the most effort to be the best version of yourself; expressing value through protection (love always protects).
* To honour a person = bringing the best version of you to the table, pay attention to what/how your say things.
* Honour = submission; defers; yields to the other party (you first).
* 'Love is not dishonest' versus 'love does not dishonour' = first is an aspiration, second is something you don't deviate from.
* Honour is not earned, it is a decision.
* Honour is something love (the verb) chooses to do.
* As Christians, we are made in God's image, which automatically makes us honourable. 'Honour is not dependent on behavior but on the divine work they rests inside you.' Therefore, don't be with someone who dishonours you.

Looks like there will be a part 3, possibly 4 for this chapter :)

Chapter 5: Love Is (Part 3: Paul's list B)
.... to be continued ....

The New Rules of LSD: Chapter 5 (Part 1)

Chapter 5: Love Is. (Part 1)

* If you carry childhood notions of love into adulthood, you won't live happily ever after. 

* Using Paul's teaching on love (1 Corinthians 13:11). Walking backwards, Paul says he put away his childhood (fantasies of love) behind him when he became a man. 

* Paul's teaching: love is/does (verb). This is our 'become list':

Love is patient,

Love is kind

It does not envy,

It does not boast,

It is not proud. 

It does not dishonour others,

It is not self-seeking. 

It is not easily angered,

It keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love never fails. 

(Side note/ not related to book: Jesus instructs us to love our enemies too right?? That means applying this list of characteristics too....food for thought). 

* If both parties master the art of love as written above, you will get your 'happily ever after.' Sounds so simple yet so hard. 

* Whatever you hope your future partner is from the list, start working on becoming that yourself. 

* A childish thought: 'if I find someone who is crazy about me like I am about them, everything on the list will magically happen.' --> false thinking.

So what do each characteristic mean exactly?? 

Chapter 5: Love Is (Part 2: Paul's list)

.... to be continued....

The New Rules of LSD: Chapter 4

I know I am summarizing this book, but its so worth the read. I almost feel like retyping every sentence because it all seems too important to leave out.

Ps: some aspects of this summary are direct quotes. Chapter 4: So becoming.

* The healthier you are, the healthier your relationship will be. Your relationship will never be healthier than you.
* The strongest person in the relationship is forced to make up for the gaps left by the other party.
* As God created you, the ability for you (humans) to experience, develop and maintain a relationship is also a creation on its own.
* People don't get married to be fixed. They get married to be loved.
* God gave us instructions on how to have a healthy relationship in the New Testament.
* Make love a verb (a decision to do something despite how we feel): behave in love, not fall in love.
* Jesus didn't command His disciples to feel something but to do something (a new command I give you: love one another. John 13:34). But He also adds: love like He loves us (not like we, humans, love each other). I.e. Love unconditionally: love others as we are loved (by Jesus). Regardless of the other party's response.
* In a relationship where both parties expect the behavior of the other to carry the weight of the relationship, disappointment is inevitable.
* Ephesians 5:21: submit to one another (not a one way submission), out of reverence to Christ - as Christ submitted Himself to us when He leveraged His life for our sins (putting us first).
* To not submit means to invite fear. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18). Fear undermines intimacy.
* Perfect love = love expressed through mutual submission.
* Mutual submission = decision to trust and put the other person first; regardless.
* It's easy to submit to someone who has your best interest in mind (no fear/reason to resist). Conversely, someone who had your best interest in mind had submitted to you (chosen to leverage self for your benefit, putting you first). i.e. mutual submission.
* A relationship based on stand alone submission is dangerous. Mutual submission?? Worth waiting for.

Chapter 5:Love is

.... to be continued ....

The New Rules for LSD: Chapter 3

Welcome back!!

Here is the much anticipated next chapter (I'm amusing myself clearly).
The more I read this book, the more I want to give it out as a gift!!

Chapter 3: Becoming the right  person.
* Becoming the right person is how you prepare to commit.
* Right person: Are you the type of person the person you are looking for is looking for??
* Make a list of what you are looking for in a person. Would that person be looking for someone like you??
* Become intentional about becoming the person you're looking for.
* If you commit to prepare before you promise, it will dramatically increase your chances of crossing paths with someone who is preparing as well. Because preparing for anything sensitized you to meet people who share the same passion and direction. Aim for common ground that is more directional than recreational.

Chapter 4: So becoming.
.... To be continued ....

The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating (LSD): Chapter 2

Back for chapter 2 of Andy Stanley's book on relationships. Forgot to add that some parts of these summaries are direct quotes and not my own thoughts.

Enjoy

Chapter 2: Commitment is overrated.
* A promise, vow or commitment cannot replace preparation for a relationship.
* Saying 'I do' doesn't make a person capable, only accountable. Accountable - Capable = Miserable
* How do you know if you/partner are prepared to commit?? Proverbs 14:15 Examine prior commitments, look at life's trajectory. FYI, people change yes, but people can't change people. People don't change for people. "Change requires fierce in-dependence that should eventually lead to inter-dependence with other healthy people.
* If you have concerns about the direction of your partner's life, give them time and space to change. You can't be their crutch. You may loose them, but that means they weren't the right person for you.
* If you say/hear these lines, press pause: I can't live without you, I can't make it without you, I'm not sure I want to live without you, I need you (and other similar chants). These are declarations of dependence.
* Commit - not to person or relationship - to preparing to keep you commitments later.

Chapter 3: Becoming the right  person.

.... To be continued ....

The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating: Chapter 1

Stumbled upon this book by pastor Andy Stanley. More like saw it in my friend's bag and took it from her. Turns out to be more of an interesting read than I expected. Not that I was expecting it to be particularly boring either.
I've decided to do a chapter by chapter summary, so over the next few days, LSD (cause the name is too long) updates it shall be.

Enjoy.

Chapter 1: The right person myth
* The assumption - 'the is a right person for you and once you find your right person, everything will be alright.' There maybe a right person for you, but that doesn't mean finding them makes all things alright.
* Chemistry and attraction are important in a relationship. Chemistry requires time, it feels right doesn't always = it is right.
* You are sexually compatible with far more people than you are relationally compatible with. Sexual compatibility is not the test for relational compatibility. That should be the other way round. Sex can inhibit relational development, as it coulda your judgment. It is super glue. Don't add it unless you want two things permanent.
* You will be sexually compatible (SC) with the right person. SC doesn't make a person right though.

Chapter 2: Commitment is overrated.

.... to be continued ....

Happy Birthday Mi!!

27 at last....
It's my birthday today, yeaaa!!!!

Funny, this year, more than ever, I miss family and childhood friends.
I realised this a few months back, sitting at brunch with friends here. Someone else in the group had a birthday in January too, and there was a lot of discussion and suggestions for what to do for the birthday. No mention of mine.
To be honest, it didn't hurt then as much as it hurts now. Mainly, because in the last 72hrs, I've had a number of people ask mi 'what do you plan to do for your birthday.'
Odd.
For the first time in my life, I am faced with that dilemma. And now, even more, I miss those who know mi best.

But it's my birthday so nope, I can't be sad :)

I am grateful.

Grateful for the life I've had the privilege of living till now. Grateful for the opportunities and blessing that have been bestowed upon mi. Grateful for good health, shelter, food, an appetite, working body parts, parents, siblings, friends....truly grateful.

I don't know what the rest of the day will look like, but I am at least grateful I don't have to work today and can continue my annual tradition of having my birthday as a public-private holiday. I love winter because my two favourite holidays - Christmas and Jan 3rd - fall in the season.

Here is to a wonderful and spectacular new year, filled with lots of heavenly surprises, laughter and happiness!!

Here is to mi at 27!!

Happy birthday Mi!!!!

xoxo