120 Days Keto-lite

A reoccurring theme in my life has been weight. We can agree that I've never been healthy where that is concerned - yo-yo dieting et al. But I think I am more sure to stay on the waggon, so to speak, this time. I figured rather than listening to the voices alone in my head, I can do something about it firmly. I don't know what it feels like, but I would love to experience looking in the mirror, for more than five seconds, and not having different variations/synonyms of the same word in my head. That word that I cannot say out loud, because the idea that I think that of myself scares mi, and somehow, saying it out loud feels like it can make it real.
Last week, three separate people used the word 'beautiful' to describe mi, either as a message from someone else, or from themselves. Recently too, when I look at my face in the mirror, I can see the word 'beautiful'.

But it vanishes once I look down.

I say Keto-lite because a friend of mine recently introduced mi to the Keto diet. It seems pretty legit, but I have heard some troubling reports about side effects, and my mother wasn't too amused about the diet either. So I figured holding off on the cholesterol increase, and keeping carbs at 30g max was safer. At least for a little bit. And of course, there is the training (exercise) as well. I know I have to work on my mind and mindset, and that isn't something I will neglect. It's 4 months to my birthday. I think being able to look in the mirror and smile, truly smile, will be the best birthday present I can give myself.

....wish mi luck/say a prayer for mi....

xo

Moth of Butterfly??

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. If you are the breadwinner in your relationship with a man, pretend that you are not, especially in public, otherwise you will emasculate him." 

- Chimamanda

In my last and final therapy session, we talked about my RED, and how, regardless of what I hear about myself, I still feel larger and bigger than what is probably reality. The first line of the statement above could not be truer with mi. Somewhere in life, at some point in time, it became ingrained in mi to believe that I needed to and should be smaller. Occupy less space. Not stand out. Not over shadow. Granted, when I was younger, my way of attaining this position stemmed from mi developing a RED. This soon morphed to include the distorted belief that my presence is also overwhelming, and needs to be more contained. Because as a girl, as a lady, I am meant to be smaller and in the background. 

Why??

I guess the answer to that will be the next step in removing mi from this twisted web of oxymorons I have been trapped in.

Existential crises??

For the past few days, I've been feeling off. It's been feeling as though I don't know what I'm doing all this for anymore. Not quite that either. 

My BFF said its cause I get super invested into things I'm interested in, and then I get bored and want to move on cause I can no longer get the 'high'/ pleasure I envisioned. Which is a fact. 

Only this time, I got invested in a 5yr contract thing. Now, I'm stuck. 

It's not that I don't want to finish the program. It's that I want to get that rush of passion again, but can't even for something else cause I don't have time. I'm constantly thinking, what have I been doing with my life?? Any toast in my name will be quite academic only. That is very, very disappointing to think of. There is also the fact that the debits to my account have been increasing, and I can't really see the returns. Not earning my own, still living as a dependent, it's hard to not wonder if it's worth it. 

So here I am, sitting in the dark of my own house and wondering, what's next?? 

People are..Human??

I recently became aware that I see people, inherently, as either good or bad. No grey area, nothing in between.
I also recently became aware of the fact that people are human who make mistakes. This makes them neither good, nor bad, but just human.
I hear this statement, I really do, but somehow, it does not register in my schema or cognitive process. And I don't know how to fix this.
The problem isn't necessarily how I treat people, though that does come into effect. The problem is I hold myself to this same standard. Thus, I am either a good person or a bad person, nothing in the middle. This is a very difficult place to be in because being a good person requires perfection, and I don't think there is a person out there who can be perfect. So since I can't be perfect, I am constantly not a good person in my book, and striving to become one.
It's exhausting, and I am tired.
But I still can't shake all of this. I don't know how to not think this way. I don't know how to not be a 'bad' person striving to be 'good', and just be human period.
I don't know and to be honest, I really truly wish someone will tell mi how. I wish someone will be able to tell mi that it's okay to just be mi - human. That it's okay to just be mi, because there isn't such a thing as a good person or a bad person. There are just people, and people make mistakes which is okay because they are just people. People do bad things and people do good things, which is okay because they are again just people. I wish someone will tell mi these things.
And better still, I wish I can understand and accept these things.
Most of all, I wish I could just not be so tired.

Not the way I envisioned day 5 of my thankful/no-complaints life to be going. This is going to be a really long journey.

xo

Mi :(

Blossoms Blooming....

Everyday, I feel a strong sense of emotion. Each day, the location I find myself, on the spectrum ranging from intense sadness to ecstatic, varies. Sometimes, I feel my chest is heavy, and I’m about to burst with excitement and happiness.  I can’t explain why. 

Other times, I am so tired and sad. Not depressed, but unhappy. Again, I can’t explain what I am unhappy about or why. 

I do know it feels like its in relation to someone else. Feels like I am happy for that person or sad for said person. Odd, cause there is no one in my life with that amount of impact on mi. 

In other news, I’m back in school. There is a distinct difference between this quarter and last quarter for mi. Almost as though I am meeting a lot of people for the first time, and seeing a lot of others through a different set of lenses.

For one thing, I’ve withdrawn from a number of people. Both intentionally and unintentionally, but I am fine with it. It’s been less emotionally stressful. I admit, trying to stand on my own and not depending on others as much as I used to, trying to understand and work out the concept of working on my own, going places on my own, etc, though difficult, is something I’ve learned that I need to learn and practice doing things on my own. 

Another thing is I’ve accepted that I have few interests with most of the people around me, and they are closer to each other (than to mi) because they have more in common/more to bond with. This is also okay. This doesn’t mean my friends (the ones left) don’t like mi or aren’t my friends. It’s just a fact. The like football for instance, or health related talks, article readings, or things related to LGBT, etc. and I am not interested in most or all of those things. Which is also okay. 

I have also learned, albeit the hard way, that you can’t ‘make friends’. You become friends with people - either by chance, accident, match making, etc. You can’t make yourself friends with someone or create a friendship. As a result, not everyone would be friends with you, you won’t be friends with everyone, not everyone you want to be friends with will want to be friends with you and you won’t want to become friends with everyone who wants to be friends with you. And the most important thing is, all of that is okay. 

Finally, I made an appointment to begin my 16hrs. Should be interesting considering the fact that I just picked her for her price rather than anything else….

So hello Winter quarter, lets see how you turn out :) 

xo

Mi

I Believe

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. Everyone is convicted differently, everyone is at a different point each time, and everyone is called differently.

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. You can't judge others for what they do, because you are unaware of the place they are with God, or the convictions they have in their soul.

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. Sometimes, our souls could be in a Dark Night, where we feel God is gone. Sometimes we experience Acedia, because of things in our past. But in His love, God draws us back - sometimes through pain and sorrow - and He holds us close. 

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. And since I am not perfect in my journey, I have not been on the path you have, or experienced the turns you have; and if your spirit is at peace, who am I to judge what stage you're in or should be?? 

All Good

So I had a near meltdown last night (explains the last post ><) but I think I'm back together now. Talked to a friend, got scolded and a good talking to. But most of all, I got a dx and an understanding of what I needed to do. 

It's not gonna be easy. I think this is the hardest ish I've ever considered taking on, but I've accepted the challenge. lol. 

So, from now till my birthday, (thats 80 days), I'd do a 'Who am I according to God' daily write up. Cause I need to accept myself for mi as I am, and not according to the distorted view of my mind. I also need to know that no one's automatic reaction is to run away from mi. And even if it is, it's not because of mi or who I am. 

lol

Just thinking about it is scary. Half the time, I feel like bursting into tears when something happens, cause the first thing I think of (these past few days have been so much worse) is that it's my fault. A very nice confirmation bias occurs (out of delusions too). But I want to try and fix this so hopefully, the happy days are not too far away. And hopefully, this process is a success. Read some of my previous posts. It's such a reoccurring theme year after year, it's quite depressing to read. The cycle always ends the same, but this time, it has to be different. I know I've said this before (annually it seems), but I really am tired. 

"This is my train and I run it. I accept and lead, I am mi"