She who is not She.

There is a tale they have of she,
A story they formed about her life.
She remembers not how it came to be,
But one day she awoke, and that was she.

They think she is this girl,
They think she has this sum,
They think her intelligence is beyond measure.
She remembers not how it came to be,
But one day she awoke, and that was she.

She is a normal girl,
From a normal childhood,
Whose father is an ordinary-extraordinary man,
Who works so hard to provide all for them,
And who she thinks is under-appreciated.

There is a tale they have of her,
One that stems from the previous tale.
It is longer now, and she knows.
She awakes at dawn with the smile they know,
Puts on her garb and is the She they know.
For changing the tale requires a new creation,
One she fears she has not the strength to begin.

This is to You

To the fragrance of my soul,
The one I do adore.
To the only moonlight flower that lives on at dawn.
Just for mi.
Lives on at dawn,
Just for mi.

To the beauty in my heart,
The one I smile for.
The one I cry for.
The one I live for.
The one I'll die for.

To the epiphany in my mind.
The one I think of,
The one who thinks more of mi.
The one who knows mi in joy,
The one who knew mi in pain.
To the one who sits upon the throne.
To the one who is King alone.
This is to You.

...Their tears...

Rain drops.
Slow but steady, coming with a mission.
Slowly picking up pace, mission in sight.
They say those are the tears of God,
Then he must cry a lot,
More than I do I guess.

Rain drops,
melodious weeping,
You long to aid the weeper,
But don't, for the melody would seize.
So you stare out lost in the sound,
Mesmerized by the drops,
And trapped in the guilt of prayers for more.

Rain drops,
Do I trade in my sorrows for more of the melody?
Do I pretend I want to take the pain and make it stop?

The sun would shine again,
No doubt.
The tears would end sometime,
No doubt.
But for these few minutes,
For this time soon to become a memory,
Let mi enjoy this guilty-pleasure.

Rain drops,
The salt-less tears fall to earth,
Crystal clear, each unique note,
And when they hit the ground,
Just before the death of that unique pain the weeper feels,
A sound so wondrous,
A sound so unique,
A sound like no other,
My ears perceive.

The dreeded occurs...

My heart is in so much pain right now, its not even a joke. I never knew I could get this sad or that it would hurt so much. I mean granted, no one expected him to stay single for life, that's a given, but it still hurts.
I find myself turn between knowing I should be happy for them, and trying so hard not to sin with my thoughts towards her...lol
Maybe it doesnt hurt as bad as I know it would because he is yet to confirm it.
But then again, maybe it hurts so much because he is yet to deny it as well.
I wish I could say they are staring in something together like the last one, and everyone jumped to conclusions but then that's not the case. And no, it doesnt help that she is gorgeous. I mean that was to be expected...
I guess in the end I, we all, have to accept that he is but only human. And just like the rest of the world feels and falls...So has he...

But then again, there is the pressing issue of Jonny's or rather Yamashita's contract with Jonny on the issue of girlfriends...I thought Jonnys werent allowed to date, or at least not in public, no? Is he gonna get in trouble?

In case you were wondering, I am referring to the fact that Yamapi is supposedly dating Kagami Seira...the 22 year old Canadian/Japanese model...enough said...

Temptress of the Night...

Red dress,
Red nails,
Red heels,
Red rose.

Two steps in,
She stops.
She smiles.
The way their heads turn,
Its almost like the music changed.

Up at the bar,
She already has a drink.
Paid, served, screaming orgasm.
Don't ask who its from,
She doesn't care.

One sip,
Two,
Now shes ready to go.
The faster she moves,
The higher the dress sways.
The higher it sways,
The crazier he gets.
Don't ask who,
She doesn't know.

Lights go low,
Bodies get hot,
Lips graze, tease,
Fantasies enhance.
Dreams get formed,
She is creator.

Music stops.
She smiles,
She turns,
She walks.
He never saw it coming.

Bitch? No.
Imogen? Maybe.
The game is dirty dancing,
And she the queen, is the Seductress...

This is not she

I watch and I stare and I want to puke and I want to cry and I want to laugh and I want to scream.
But all I do is laugh,
All I do is almost cry,
All I do is scream inside,
All I do is hate her.

I see them they see mi they watch in wonder they think she is crazy they think she is mi.
I want to scream,
I want to say no,
I want to yell stop,
All I do is let her be.

She looks she smiles she waves she blows a kiss she turns the clock strikes twelve she is mi.
I dread the turn,
I dread the handover,
Its too late to stop her now,
All I do is wait.

Shes crazy they can tell she is crazy they can tell she would do it all they can tell she is gone.
I can tell she is sane,
I can tell she knows,
I can tell she thinks,
I can tell...
cause...
she is mi.

Is it wrong of mi?

Is it wrong for mi to want something else for her?
Is it wrong for mi to be tired and want it all to end?
She hates her at all times,
But more so when she is 'her'.
Is it wrong for mi to say 'no more room' and have her evicted?

Watching her do the things she does,
Watching her be the thing she is,
The knife suddenly seems so close,
Suddenly, I can deal with the cutting and the blood.
Its not so bad if that is the alternative.

Then watching her crawl up into a ball and kiss death like she did the last time,
Watching her try so hard to cry but cant get the tears out,
Watching her recall it all and get defeated over again,
Knowing some sick version of loyalty and self-challenge is gonna push her out again,
Knowing the cycle is gonna repeat itself again.

Is it wrong for mi to fake believing her when she says she will let her go?
Is it wrong for mi to stay upset and sad because I cant trust her about that?
Is it wrong that I cant trust her about that?
Is it wrong that I cant tell her anything now that she is hurting?
Do I sympathize and not mean it?
Do I reprimand and kill her more?
Is it wrong of mi to think about all this with the knife so close, ready to hand over?

Being Random again...

So I just saw some parts of this movie right, and I really don't know what it is called btw, which made mi take offense on behalf of the entire Vampire community. I think the vampire in this movie was really weak.

Ok brief summary.

I did not start from the beginning, but I think the basic story line (which from the looks of things was nowhere near Rocket science) was about this vampire who kept loosing the girl he loved because she was human and somehow died before he could turn her. Well the girl kept reincarnating (poor guy) and this time he found her and tried as always to take her with him. Problem was she had a boyfriend, and they were the portrayal of 'True Love'. Well to cut the long story short, in the end, the girl choose the human and the Vampire, due to his undying 'love' for her, let her go, again, and became soulless...possibly waiting for her to get reincarnated again...I don't know...

Well screw that.

To begin with, it is a well known fact that nothing, besides obliteration, can stand between a Vampire and his bride. Not to mention his constantly life-time run away bride. I mean, what Vampire do you know who chose to spend eternity alone, knowing fully well that his girl is lingering around with someone else...

And worse still, the Vampire was all talk and no action (well except when he killed the blonde bitch, she deserved it - though I did not care for his very unvampiry, bashing her head against the wall, method of killing her). Even at the end when the girl came to him and he was about to turn her when human boyfriend showed up (which by the way confused me cause I thought he already began when her human boy-friend got there, but apparently I was wrong. So what the hell was he waiting for then???), instead of killing the boy or hurting him or something, again I use the word, vampiry, he sent hims some electric current (blue, yes, it was blue) through his arm and shocked the boy, duh, into unconsciousness...

Electric current? Come on now, seriously?

I mean I have watched some prety lame shit (just ask IFC, they are the rulers in that department), but this was just plain insulting...

Don't ask mi why I am offended on behalf of Vampires, or why I am mad the human got the girl in the end...lol. In case you haven't noticed, it is 3:35am in the morning...not that that matters though...lol...

Sigh

Ok I think there is something wrong with her right now! She permanently wants to cry, and when thats not happening, she feels the need to spill her guts and life history to everyone and anyone around her at that time (poor them, screw mi) and then I have to listen to the 'why the hell did I just say/do that' speech that follows...like oh barely 10 seconds later!
What. The. Fuck???

Its sad watching her sad though. I think what happened is someone tried to open that box, maybe she did, and then realized too late that it was a bad idea. Sure the box is sealed closed now, but the thought of the pain in there alone is what is eating at her. And I think and shudder at that thought. If the mere thought of what is inside the box makes her so, then what would happen when the day finally comes and the box must be opened? I have more bets on a funeral than on a redemption here...

But can you blame her? I know even I cant give you a straight answer to that. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. But one thing is for sure though, until the air is cleared again, there is no way to help her. There is nothing to say that would make the pain go away. Only way to go is forward with words. So until the air clears, standing still is the only thing I can do. So I have to sit here and watch her bleed herself internally, and pray and hope she doesn't say so much shit that I have to make her bleed on the outside as well.

Now if only I could tell what started this, it would be easier to say 'it won't happen again.' But we both know that's all bull. And we both know that's what makes me sad the most.

Love/hate

I want to cry so hard right now,
but the tears won't fall.
I want to laugh so hard right now,
but the emotions wont blend.
Is it so bad that I hate and love them at the same time?
Is it so bad that they do not know that I feel this way?

I know whatever I do, it would always be them then mi.
I know no matter how hard I try to get gone,
I would never be able to forget that fact.
Is it so bad that I wish to be them for a second at least?
Is it so bad that I don't like them much when they don't like themselves?

I step out and watch it try to move,
And that has been, till date, the one thing that has made mi want to puke.
It is hard for mi to get nauseous, so when I do, it is serious.
i do for it, so I think it is serious.
We pretty fucked up aint we?

I made a promise to mi,
But then when you do that, it is kinda hard to tell fake from reality.
Of course not with mi,
I mean we have established that fact right?

I got shit for last night,
Probably gonna get some more for tonight.
But right now I don't care,
Life seems short and I think a buzz makes it better still.

Its sad that I have fallen into the habit of making boys my 'brother material',
Even sadder that I don't know how to undo that.
But I think later on I would see the silver lining in all of this,
But for now, sad is all I can be.

My ex wrote a poem about 'love being dead'.
It seemed he only realized that now, poor thing.
I wanted to ask him where he had been all this while,
When Love took the high road and never looked back.

But then I keep thinking, 'did I do that to him?'
But that would be too ambitious of mi right?
So I pray and hope some other girls did that,
So I don't add to my list of 'Hate mi' reasons.

Now I am off to bed for the day,
With no boy at hand or in mind, I am fine this way.
Some think I am too scared to admit liking some guys,
Others claim I am in denial.

I think a little bit of both and more would do.
I might want a guy,
But previous expirience makes it hard for mi to believe he wants mi too,
And even harder to believe he wants mi first...

But like I said, I am pretty fucked up tonight.
Had too much to drink and much more to say that I think I would regret in the morning.
But now that I am sobering up and I look back,
I think I had fun.

Sure I said some shit I would rather have kept with mi,
Sure I did somethings I would not have done as just mi,
But all in all, I think I was good.
And I think, no matter what others would say, tonight was a good night.

I do hate them both a lot,
I do not enjoy the nights after I go out with them,
But the times I do,
I try not to think about it too much, and in the end, the night is always a good night...