Tired Tales

Today's original post was meant to be a comic piece, another 'Lagos adventure', but I'd have to leave it for another day.

So it's officially 27 days left. I'm excited and a bit 'odd feeling' at the moment. Too many balls in the air for my normal peace of mind, yet I am the calmest I've ever been. 

I know God's got mi covered. I just have to learn to listen to him more. 

Longest time I've spent with the family since I was 10. Moma got it right. I'm a bit too independent for my own good I guess. I feel at home yet a bit 'guestly' at the same time. The break flew by a lot faster. Felt like I was visiting old friends I'm quite comfy with. Learned a lot too. About my family, my country and politics. Sadly, most of my lessons are a bit negative. Or rather sad at the very least. 

But all the same, I am glad I spent time here rather than Korea. For once, I didn't feel like I was on the run. 

I am ready for my next adventure though.  And what an exciting one it's promising to be. 

Tired. More on 'The Wonderful Life of Mi' later. 

Chao

xo

Mi

Hate that I

Why do you make it so hard for mi to hate you?

Maybe not hate you but at least get over and let go?

You have your bad sides, which you show more. 

But then just when I think this is it....the good you shows up.

Nope, you don't do it intentionally, I don't think you are even aware.

Which is what makes this even worse. 

I can't hate you for being you.

I can't love you for being you.

Either way you look at it, I'm screwed aren't I?

Blanks

She is blank.

Looking at the picture before her, it is amazing they say it is the story of her life, because everything is unreal to her. It all seems like a movie she is unfamiliar with. Funny irony?? They say this picture is her life. Her future to be precise.

'She was born, she lived and she died'. But that is not true right??
'She was born....and she died'; that seems to be more of what it feels like.

Emotional Drama he says??

How odd.

One would think that when you say something like that, you don't go stop concerning yourself with YOUR unnecessary emotional 'baggage'...'...at least not after the person being spoken to has evidently gone through depression several times...and had to self-help each time...
But then she is the fool for thinking there would be a difference this time when there was nothing remotely close to that the last time....

He was human

He was gay,
He died.
His partner cried,
Society shunned.

Why though??

He was someone's child,
He was someone's hope.
He was someone's love,
He was someone's world.

He came out,
Got harassed.
Suicide.
His partner cried,
Society shunned.

Why though??

He also had a mother,
He also had a friend.
He also brought laughter,
He also brought joy.

He was,
He is,
He will remain,
Forever human.

The Road Not Taken....

Would I be a bad Christian if I say I believe in the existence of an alternate reality? I don't think so. Call it whatever you like: Alternate universe, parallel line, other side of the coin...it doesn't matter. The fact remains, I think, that there is a parallel universe running at the same time ours is. I think it is basically the other story if you had gone the opposite route. Because now, there are always two answers to a question: A or B. Some say there is a C, D and even down to Z, but ultimately, something happens or something does not happen. So there are only two sides.


I play bubble breaker on my phone a lot, and I figured something out. Each time you make a move, it upsets the path of the game and takes you down a different lane. If you undo, you get back to that path and can take a different route, changing the game in yet another direction. So if the original path you took turned out to be unfavorable, then you can turn around and try something else. Wish life were that simple?


Well it could be and it could not be. 
People say I think a lot. But I figured that may only be because we don't have the 'undo' move in reality. Everything is set in stone, and man is yet to find a way to get back and change the path taken. But asume for a second there is an alternate universe. That means there is a you that made the other choice. The fact that that choice exists and you thought about it means there is a script written for that path. If there is a script and the play is in motion, that means there are actors. If there are actors, that means that path was also taken. And since the 'you' you know took the path you took, and both scripts were written for you, is it unreasonable to think the other 'you' took the other path and got a different outcome??

Does that make mi Horrible??

In all my years, I have finally come to realize something. I am not good with distance period. Not just in relationships - boy/girl ish - but in general. With friends, family, humans in general....and I guess that is a bad thing. Its almost like 'out of sight, out of mind'. I guess its because a while back I got accustomed to the philosophy that everyone leaves, and to protect myself from getting hurt, I let them go as they do. Yeah I gather it is totally selfish of mi to do that, but at the same time, isn't everyone selfish in some areas?? Doesn't everyone who tries to protect him/herself have an element of selfishness in them to have that accomplished?? 

The question isn't if I am or am not right now, but if I want to do something about it. 

And my answer is I don't know.

For one thing, a relationship is a two way thing. So if you notice i am pulling away, albeit unintentionally, and you let mi go, doesn't that make my philosophy proven then?? But at the same time, there are those people who do try to keep in touch....but still I feel the relationship slipping away. 

But at the same time, there are those people who I have had a completely long distance relationship with, and we are still fine. So does that mean they are more important to mi?? I'd like to think not....

....Weird huh....

Mi and relationships is like going to see a good movie. Even though you don't want it to, at some point, the movie does come to an end. You walk out with mixed feelings. A little sad it is over, but then you smile as you remember the good moments. And though the movie is over, you will always smile when you think about it. Doesn't that mean the movie is important to you?? Does it make it less important than the series you watch continuously?? No right?? I mean they are both types of 'screen shows' but they are different. 

I dont know, I guess am rambling. Partly cause I thought of a few friends I have not kept in contact with and felt a little guilty. Also partly because I am at a cross road in life and everyone is looking at mi and waiting for mi to make a decision. And I am sitting here wondering if it is okay for mi to be selfish in my decision. I mean in my head I understand, but in my heart, I know I want to be selfish. I guess I learned the hard way already that ultimately, I control my own happiness. Shouldn't it be okay for mi to choose what makes mi happy, despite the fact that others might not like it??

Does that make mi a horrible person??

The Door Way

What would it be like to hold death and life in your hands? To have a person in your arms, as they are dying. One minute they are there, the next minute, gone. The life leaves them while they are still in your arms. 
Do you feel it?? I mean is there a feeling that transcribes the hollowness that just became of that person?? Do you feel the empty shell as it looses its core, like you do when a bottle becomes empty?? Is there a difference in what you see or feel of the person one second while they are alive and the next after death??


If there was a difference, would you want to feel it?? Would you want to tell when the life is gone by the feel or rather remain in a state of unknown?? Granted its pretty obvious when a person dies, they stop breathing. But what else, aside from the heart and breathing, lets you know that life has left the building?? 


Doctors get a chance to come close to this, as they have life and death in their hands. But still, doctors never actually feel the life leave for the most part, right?? They don't hold the patient in their arms through the process of dying, do they?? So technically, they can only speculate. Sure they can tell you the feeling of loosing a patient but thats it, no??


I guess when it comes down to it, what I want to know is what does death feel like, without actually experiencing it of course. Not till I am old BGG at least....What does it feel like at the door. Not to die, but to feel death happening. 

From Corner Shop #1

So at some point, in my mad state I presume, I thought I could run two blogs. Well, I obviously thought wrong seeing as running one and keeping it functioning is already work as it is. So I have decided to merge the two by transferring my posts from the other blog here. That being said, there is only one of such post, thank God. Here is one:

Hello, Hello....
So I glanced at my regular blog today and figured out, years later, that it looked more like a journal than anything else. Which is cool, except my journals tend to be super dark and gloomy. So I wondered, 'what would it be like to write a happy-go-lucky blog for a change??' I should say I am practically doing this because it is a dare and someone, no need to say who, said I couldn't do it. So, this is like an 'in your face' blog more like it. As for the Kawasaki in the background, trust Mi if I can find a way to make it a slide show of different bikes, I would pay tribute to them all. For now, it would remain as is. lol.


What to write about??
For starters, what the heck goes in a happy-go-lucky blog anyway?? I'll have to do some research into that. 
 I would tell a jolly story about my weekend though, since I have not really thought about anything else to write on here.


This weekend, for the first time, I lost an item while 'under the influence' as the adults say. My very fun randomized weekend quickly went to shit in my head Saturday morning, when I realized I returned home with less items than I left with. 
Basically, I misplaced my keys while I was wasted. I must say, that was a new experience for mi. Though my OCD self did remember where the keys were from the start, I still did not get them until today. So from Friday through Tuesday morning, I spent the time freaking out. But rather than really freaking out about the fact that I had no freaking clue what happened to my keys after I locked the door, I was more concerned about the fact that my OCD and said 'alter ego' no longer held up even when I got wasted.
For some people, this might seem silly, but for mi, it was a major problem. As far back as my drinking history goes, I have always prided myself in the fact that no matter how blacked out I get, I still maintain my usual routines: eg, bed time routines, safety routines, etc. I totally gave all the credit to my OCD nature and my 'alter ego'. Now the fact that neither could help mi with the location of my keys (which is something I always place at a specific spot before the night begins because I have OCD like that), led mi to worry that my friends might finally be right: I just might need an AA meeting. '


But no worries. Disaster was very much averted when I found my keys where I had recalled and even told my brother, in my wasted-ness, that they were located: In one of my girlfriend's car. 


Summary of this story is, I still refuse the title of an alcoholic. Would let you in on the new coined name for my 'condition' whenever I get one....lol

....From The Eyes Of The Beheld....

When you adore something, you watch it.
You don't touch it.
You don't touch it for you fear that then it would be contaminated. No longer pure, no longer the beauty that you behold. You would be contaminating it with the essence of yourself. The essence that makes you thus unworthy, thus impure, thus a simple guardian.
You understand this, you accept this.
But then disaster strikes.
Now that which you adore so is in shambles. You watch as the pieces gather together. Holding on to each other to soothe the ache that they each share. The common ache that you all share, though yours is well masked, well hidden.
You watch the bond and once again, it's painfully clear. Your heart is hurt cause you watch that which you adore stand before you, its pieces holding on together to comfort itself. To become stronger.
Suddenly, it becomes even more painfully obvious, your position. You are merely an observer to them. A visitor, charming nonetheless, but still a visitor. One with a mere interest in what that which you adore are, but not one that can feel or understand like them. You are automatically tagged, along with the rest of the outsiders, as one with sympathy, but incapable of empathy.
Tragic loss.
Now you have two kinds of pain to deal with. The pain of watching your beloved hurt in a way you could never have wished upon your own daemons. The pain of being all but ostracized as an outsider by the same beloved: Kept so close but yet so far, stuck between being one and being none. An empath to your degree, it hurts more.
You close your eyes, and the eery all too familiar echo of silence engulfs you. Not the silence of peace, but that which echos with lonesomeness. That which is plagued by the every living fact that awake or in sleep, remains eternal.
It's sad. Playing the beholder to the beholder to the beheld. The beheld knows not what it does to the other. The beholder cannot help the one between. For as sad as it is to say, the beholder is but one.
So to soothe yourself, you dive into the fantasies. The loves, the hopes, the dreams once held, all fulfilled. For a time, the ache is pacified, the loneliness is sated. And like a drug, the effect soon wears out, leaving you aching till the next dose.

If you understand any of this, then congratulations. You have become a beholder; seeing what no other has been able to do before - see from the eyes of the one in between....

Reservoir Chronicles: The Real Mi

"Let me tell you about Mi" she said....

....I chase after something that I myself do not know....

....I have the ability to kill, and I know it....

....Everything about life is a game to me, you loose some, you win some....

....I like good boys because its a puzzle finding whats bad about them....

....I hate self sacrifice....

....I smile as a reaction to all things, no emotional change....

"Let me tell you about Mi" she said....

....There is someplace I want to be, though I don't know where....

....I hate it when people make a completely false image about me to me....

....I love boys because they are more complicated and fun to pick apart....

....I would go with you to any length, simply to see how far you would go....

....I don't like girls partly because I am one....

...I want someone to understand me, yet I don't want to tell anyone about me....

....I love fast things....

....I love 'happily-ever-afters' in others...

....I want someone to tell us apart, yet I don't want to give any hints....

....And as I stared and listened to her, I wanted to say....

There is a fire in your eyes,

and it flashes through your smile.

There is a radiance that i know only comes with my glow.

There is a reason that I'm here,

And its something that I fear,

We refuse to release the other,

And there in lies the problem.

The Illusion before you,

Is a mere shadow of what lies beneath.

The face you see,

Is a mere representation of what side it holds.

The voice you hear,

Is a mere cover for the true tales it tells.

The smile you behold,

is never loyal to one emotion.

Would you like to see the real Mi??

As would I.

So like Mi

I wish to yell, scream, curse, be blunt and be so....
unladylike.
I wish to jump, smirk, hiss, not give a shit and be so...
unladylike.
I wish to hit, scratch, bite, cause damage and be so....
unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.


I wish to be British polite, without the bashfulness of the Japanese,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to be rude when necessary and blunt with the devil's smile,
and be so....unladylike..
I wish to tell you all i feel, not caring as tears run down if they do,
and be so....unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches, letters and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.


I wish to show when I care, if ever, and when I don't care plainly,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to say what I want to whomever as before, accepting that it might be the end,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to smile at all times, and not discriminate among who I smile with a dagger to,
and be so....unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches, letters and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.

....All She Can....

She smiles then you smile,
She stays then you stay,
She laughs then you laugh,
She says she is leaving and your shattered.
Without her, you seem to fall apart,
And all she can do is watch you.


Her words give you breath,
Her voice gives you life,
Her sight gives you strength,
Her hatred is your worst fear.
Without her, you seem weak all over,
And all she can do is watch you.


In her palms rest your heart,
In her palms rest your soul,
In her palms rest your life,
One squeeze and you are off the cliff.
Without her, you are a lifeless doll.
And all she can do is watch you.


Would you ever be really happy?
Would you ever be really whole?
Would you ever be really free?
Would she ever tell you the truth?
....All she can do is watch you....

Reservoir Chronicles: Now, You Should Lie To Mi

Now why does my heart hurt when I see you?
Now why does my heart skip when I see you?
Now wait, my heart is dead, so what is that feeling?
Now wait, my heart is sealed, so what is that moving?


You had no right to come unlock my feelings and run away.
You had no right to merge my dreams with reality and then break away.
You had no right to give mi hope for normalcy and then rip it away.
You had no right to make mi smile for real and take the source away.


Should hate you for your fake smiles, but you would say we are the same.
Should hate you for your hidden emotions, but you would say we are the same.
Should hate you for your self-sacrifices, but you would say we are the same.
Should hate you for your unsystematic choices, but you would say we are the same.


Lie and tell Mi once more you do understand, and I would scream.
Lie and tell Mi you would try to change, and I would scream.
Lie and tell Mi you would become better, and I would scream.
Lie and tell Mi no more secrets, and I would scream.


To have and to lose, is a pain I am too familiar with.
To have and to lose, is a pain I have had to live with.
To have and to lose, is a pain I thought I was done with.
To have and to lose, is a pain you have reacquainted Mi with.


Mi, I think I am done talking and begging.
Mi, I think I am done crying and trying.
Mi, I think I am done wishing and hoping.
Mi, I think I have joined the others in letting you do as you wish.

Reservoir Chronicles: Emotic Alien

Terror,
Unexplainable terror chokes mi,
As the expression on your face changes.
Pain,
Unexplainable pain pierces mi,
As I see the look now in your eyes.
Fear,
Unexplainable fear captivates mi,
As you turn and I think you are to leave.
You pause and ask for a reason to stay,
And tears are the only response I can bring up.

I can't find the words to explain to you how I feel.
Yet the terror for the pain that accompanies your reaction
to my lack of explanation,
Is worse than the terror that chokes mi with your expressions.
How do I tell you its not you I fear, but the idea that is you?
How do I tell you that first impressions for mi begin with fear,
and people always begin on pillars?
how do I tell you that my own self esteem,
or lack of it thereof,
Leads mi to think everyone an angel,
Till I find that which makes them human again?
A lass, how do I tell you that for you, I have found many a human factors,
But still, none strong enough to break this?

My hands are shaking,
I can already feel you leaving.
My voice is shaking,
I can already feel you gone.
How do i stop you?
It seems like every step I take is a mile from you,
But then again, I notice there was already a milestone crater
before us,
And that, I had nothing to do with.

So I watch us fall into an awkward silence,
And I count the seconds with my clock
As it ticks away.
Knowing in a few minutes you would say 'I am leaving',
And I would sigh because there is no way to stop you.
Knowing you would walk out the door, and in a little while,
follow with a message.
Knowing I would now wish this dream, now nightmare, were but only
a dream.
And the clock would continue to tick away....

Flip Side

Sometimes I wish I was a star,
so all my troubles and embarrassments
would be behind mi.
For though men would still get to see them,
It would not matter for I would be a million
miles long gone.

But then the troubles did have their turn,
and for the embarrassments, the people did
have their fun
For though man saw them too late,
other stars watched as they occurred.

Sometimes I wish I were a mother,
and my child remained but an infant.
For then it would love mi unconditionally,
and I would not need to prove myself so much,
or try to please so hard.

But then the infant did grow,
and its teenage years did glow.
Then the sweet obsession of old,
now became a delight sometimes so
painful to behold.

Sometimes I wish I were a bird,
with no mind of my own to worry.
For then I would truly believe that all will
be provided in a hurry,
and trust alone rather than try to help.

But then the eagle flies,
and my youngs as meals die.
And I am forced to think,
and worry about what tomorrow might bring.

Sometimes I wish I was the wind,
freely moving in the world as I see fit.
For I would go and see all that my heart pleases,
without worrying about who or what the cost upsets,
or something worthwhile I must do as I move.

But then the storms did come,
and destruction did it cause.
Then the son of man searched for ways,
to curb and put the wind in its place.

Fire

So because someone has now become an official Fcktard tonight, I have to sit here and count sheep or something through what is threatening to become a resumption of painful agony. The lighter wont work, and I sit here trying to breathe through all this, when it could have all been over ages ago with a quick match. And don't ask Mi why genius fcktard over here cannot ask someone, any freaking person here since this is smoke central, for a lighter because thats another book.

The depression would hit in the morning, and then I would have to baby sit. Which is another thing I blatantly would love to avoid. Why do I have to be the one with both the care and don't give a shit emotion when it comes to her? I wish she would just drop all....oh gosh, I wont be able to handle it if she cries. The damn would break and a nervous break down would be even closer....

Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....

If she had the balls, she would have started off with the one she all but stalks now, but lets face it, the rationalization that one must first love one's self in order to accept love or care from another was invented with her as the foundation. So that would not be happening for a while. And I know my current loathsome feeling is not helping the situation, but it cannot be helped.
I wanted it burned dammit!

But why won't it work? The more she tries, the closer the tears come and the more frustrated i get. It is glued shut, and without a clear reason for this, her frustration is unfathomable at the moment! Please help. I need fire tonight or there would be a different kind of burning, one that she, and maybe Mi, might not survive or recover from....

P.O.D

There are very few fucking things I hate. So for you to do one of those and get mi this riled up, you know there is or has been a problem. For starters, let mi let you know that the concept of 'bros before hos' is such bs, it aint even funny. It is just as stupid as its reverse, 'hos before bros'. No one controls the heart, and those who try to do, end up being sadder and more stressed out that they need to be.

Why the freak do guys (most) feel the need to decide, on their own, what girls they would step aside from to let their 'bros' in on, and what girls work well either way? I mean I get the fact that there is a need to be considerate, but pls, we are not fucking toys or note books! We do have feelings, can decide for ourselves what we want, and damn well do not want to be tossed from one guy to another, fought over though we know not what about, or get our decisions made for us 'because we deserve better'. Really, listen when you are spoken to and life would be swell.

I am tired.
I am tired of her talking constantly in my head and driving mi crazy because she feels like she is being ignored. I am tired of him ignoring her and causing her to get mi this crazy. I am tired of having to feel gross and disgusted over and over because of her. And most especially, I am tired of the self-loathing. Really, she needs help, and I am tired of trying to give it to her. She needs help, and I am tired of trying to be the one without the psychology degree, trying to administer pshyc help nevertheless.

I am tired, so this is why I ask you for your help. She says she wants change, then force her to change. She says she wants something new, then force her to go for it. She says she wants him, then for fucks sake, make her try, just this once, to get him. Because I fear that soon my sanity would break. I fear that soon I would no longer be able to love her as I do now. I fear that soon I would hate her, and then in turn hate them, and thus in turn make this world a living hell for all of us.

So to make that not happen, I ask that you take care of her. Just this one time. Change her as she wants to be changed. Make her as she wants to be. Let her look in the mirror and see what you want her to see. Let her be who she wants to be. Idcare how much it costs, Idcare how much it would take, but I do care how long it would take. Let her get a change, before the end of the summer, to look in the mirror and really smile. To look in and decide that she truly does look good today. Not that her make up looks good enough to hide the other flaws, or everyone is too drunk to remember anything that happened, but that she would look in, see herself as she is or has become, and fall in love with that person, no matter what the reaction from others is about.

'We'll talk about it later!' Really mi dear, get some pussy and readjust your center of gravity. Switching sexes.... shit focus sometimes....lol

She's back

Its so funny how my first post of the year is mi telling the world am about to freestyle a finance test!
Yes I know what you are thinking, who the heck does that? And no before you say it, am not a finance guy. lol.
Now that that's settled....
AiMi's back. Yes I know the name has changed plenty over the years, but I promise, this is here to stay. I kinda lyk it cause it still means the same thing as my real mame....lol.
Nothing writing spectacular happened over the break....well miracles did but I dont have enough space to write about all of them so....lol.
Finally decided am gonna become a writer and own travel and touring agencies. I guess the whole business thing is gonna pay off in the end. 3yrs of suffering not going to waste.
Might be going to Japan this summer....wohooo....I think....would talk more on that later.
Well, time to go play in class cause thats all I think am gonna be doing for the next hr....
but hey who kows, maybe a miracle would come around once more....

Cheers,

AiMi

Being Random again...

So I just saw some parts of this movie right, and I really don't know what it is called btw, which made mi take offense on behalf of the entire Vampire community. I think the vampire in this movie was really weak.

Ok brief summary.

I did not start from the beginning, but I think the basic story line (which from the looks of things was nowhere near Rocket science) was about this vampire who kept loosing the girl he loved because she was human and somehow died before he could turn her. Well the girl kept reincarnating (poor guy) and this time he found her and tried as always to take her with him. Problem was she had a boyfriend, and they were the portrayal of 'True Love'. Well to cut the long story short, in the end, the girl choose the human and the Vampire, due to his undying 'love' for her, let her go, again, and became soulless...possibly waiting for her to get reincarnated again...I don't know...

Well screw that.

To begin with, it is a well known fact that nothing, besides obliteration, can stand between a Vampire and his bride. Not to mention his constantly life-time run away bride. I mean, what Vampire do you know who chose to spend eternity alone, knowing fully well that his girl is lingering around with someone else...

And worse still, the Vampire was all talk and no action (well except when he killed the blonde bitch, she deserved it - though I did not care for his very unvampiry, bashing her head against the wall, method of killing her). Even at the end when the girl came to him and he was about to turn her when human boyfriend showed up (which by the way confused me cause I thought he already began when her human boy-friend got there, but apparently I was wrong. So what the hell was he waiting for then???), instead of killing the boy or hurting him or something, again I use the word, vampiry, he sent hims some electric current (blue, yes, it was blue) through his arm and shocked the boy, duh, into unconsciousness...

Electric current? Come on now, seriously?

I mean I have watched some prety lame shit (just ask IFC, they are the rulers in that department), but this was just plain insulting...

Don't ask mi why I am offended on behalf of Vampires, or why I am mad the human got the girl in the end...lol. In case you haven't noticed, it is 3:35am in the morning...not that that matters though...lol...