Mad at it All.

I'm tired of shedding tears.
I'm tired of writing tributes.
More so, I am sick and tired of doing both for people so young.
A parent shouldn't have to bury his or her child, neither should a child have to bury his or her parent without the grandchild by the side. God's promise says we would live to see our children's children.

I'm tired of hearing of cancer.
I'm tired of hearing of how lives so precious, so promising, are cut short as a result of it.
Coming without notice. Causing pain, grief and harm; giving a false hope of recovery, then snatching the hope and replacing it with a gut-wrenching agony.

I'm tired of the dread.
I'm tired of hearing a friend/school mate has 'the virus', then round of 50/50 that follows.
I'm tired of hoping, praying, wishing and stressing, while a terrifying shadow of the grim reaper hunts my view.
With no preventive recipe and no full proof treatment, its a fight between the devil and the deep blue sea, both one and the same, with only a faint distant ray of help.

Its not a person so one cannot hate it.
Its not a person so one cannot yell at it.
Its not a person so one cannot call a jury, find guilty and pass judgment upon it.

I guess I'm just tired today. Maybe because I just wrote two tributes to a very promising life cut short. Maybe because its the third time in less than 3 years. Maybe because I'm in the mood to dwell on the fact that life is such an unfair little b at times.

In the morning I'd feel better. In the morning I'd hope and pray again, because there is really nothing else to do.
For now, I am tired. So I'd just sit here and cry myself to sleep.

xo
 

Sitcoms

So I got betrayed. Yeah thats out the door.
Its too long a tale and frankly am tired of relieving it.
The problem I am having now is passing the blame. I have been fine blaming myself this entire time, till a friend scolded mi for that. Now I am stuck here wondering who is to blame for what happened then?? And then along the way I started thinking maybe its not as big of a deal as I played it out to be. Maybe I over reacted. Maybe I was hurt, but the level of hurt was totally my fault. Maybe the other party doesnt need to even apologize as much as it seems....Maybe all this while I made them feel bad and I am the selfish one.....
So many maybes keep coming, and all I want to do is crawl back into bed, back to sleep and wake up to find this has all been one long and very unfunny nightmare..... but I have come to learn the hard way that life doesn't ever go the way I want it to, and I just have to deal. Be a big girl and suck it up.


Friend said there is no comfortable place in life. If thats the case then I want out. I didn't sign up for that. I almost wish we were given a manual to read before we signed anything like 'coming to earth'. Maybe we could have opted for a different planet or something if we didn't like the terms of the contract. Just saying.


agreements.....


Sigh.


But it is fine. I trust too much I was told, so no more trusting. Just totally believing everything and not getting shocked when I find out it was not as I was told. If I didn't trust, then I did expect something to change and would not be too affected if it does. Its like getting a maybe from a performer. That means both yes and no. So if he latter calls and says its a no, you would be fine cause you were not relying totally on him. On the other hand, if he calls and says its a yes, then well thats good. You have a great performer for your show. Either way, the show would go on.


Just like now, the show must go on. And I 'd be right back after I crawl back under my blanket for a few more hours. 


Cheers

....From The Eyes Of The Beheld....

When you adore something, you watch it.
You don't touch it.
You don't touch it for you fear that then it would be contaminated. No longer pure, no longer the beauty that you behold. You would be contaminating it with the essence of yourself. The essence that makes you thus unworthy, thus impure, thus a simple guardian.
You understand this, you accept this.
But then disaster strikes.
Now that which you adore so is in shambles. You watch as the pieces gather together. Holding on to each other to soothe the ache that they each share. The common ache that you all share, though yours is well masked, well hidden.
You watch the bond and once again, it's painfully clear. Your heart is hurt cause you watch that which you adore stand before you, its pieces holding on together to comfort itself. To become stronger.
Suddenly, it becomes even more painfully obvious, your position. You are merely an observer to them. A visitor, charming nonetheless, but still a visitor. One with a mere interest in what that which you adore are, but not one that can feel or understand like them. You are automatically tagged, along with the rest of the outsiders, as one with sympathy, but incapable of empathy.
Tragic loss.
Now you have two kinds of pain to deal with. The pain of watching your beloved hurt in a way you could never have wished upon your own daemons. The pain of being all but ostracized as an outsider by the same beloved: Kept so close but yet so far, stuck between being one and being none. An empath to your degree, it hurts more.
You close your eyes, and the eery all too familiar echo of silence engulfs you. Not the silence of peace, but that which echos with lonesomeness. That which is plagued by the every living fact that awake or in sleep, remains eternal.
It's sad. Playing the beholder to the beholder to the beheld. The beheld knows not what it does to the other. The beholder cannot help the one between. For as sad as it is to say, the beholder is but one.
So to soothe yourself, you dive into the fantasies. The loves, the hopes, the dreams once held, all fulfilled. For a time, the ache is pacified, the loneliness is sated. And like a drug, the effect soon wears out, leaving you aching till the next dose.

If you understand any of this, then congratulations. You have become a beholder; seeing what no other has been able to do before - see from the eyes of the one in between....

....She....

Darkness engulfing,
closer, closer.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to out run it.

Light receding,
faster, faster.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to run to it.

Shakes subduing,
colder, colder.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to get off the island.

Warmth retreating,
farther, farther.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to get close enough to keep it.

Cycle rotating,
slowly, slowly,
And no matter how different the show seems,
she can't help but end up at the same finish line.

Story unfolding,
magically, magically,
And no matter how wonderful the play looks,
she can't help but end up with the same part, audience, all the time....

Reservoir Chronicles: I wish I could....

Take back all my care and worries,
take back all my frustrations,
take back all my sleepless nights,
take back all anxiety for you....
take it all back because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back all the solutions I tried to think of,
take back all the rescues I did come up with,
take back all the fights I had because of you,
take back all the harshness I endured,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back ignoring what seems now as the voice of reasoning,
take back stressing since it seems this was all fake to you,
take back the day I said 'ok, I'll listen' because it seems cursed,
take back letting some emotions show rather than leaving the cage sealed,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back the times I smiled and said I cared,
take back the decades it seemed I spent praying for you,
take back the centuries it seemed I spent listening to you,
take back the millenniums it seemed I spent being angry for you,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel stupid.


Tell myself this is the last time and know it is true,
tell myself I can walk away from it all and know I can,
tell myself that I really don't know why I feel so and believe it,
tell myself that this is for your good and be happy with that,
tell myself to make it better, because you've made Mi feel stupid.


A lass in the end, she still stands alone.... her greatest fear now a reality.... which road do we turn to now, I hear her unasked questions.... and in the silence, it remains so.... unasked, unanswered.... as I watch the chains fall back in place, and the locks close in once more....

When You are Mad

Why is it always like a roller coaster with you?? One minute you are smiling happily, and the next minute there is a war. She can't possibly make you happy, no matter how hard she tries. Yet you burden her with that seemingly impossible task. Fight as lovers, talk as friends, live as siblings and communicate as strangers. This undefined relationship is quite tasking.
But I guess this means nothing to you, as you don't care.
Selfish beyond comparison. It ached today. Funny how she feels nothing, but when it comes to pain, there seems to be a swinging door with a sign that reads 'Always Welcome'.
Sometimes you make her feel like the hopeless mistress, the other woman, in this illicit affair, where no one but you derives absolute pleasure. Which would be fine if this was so and you are always happy, but you are not and it is not.
You are miserable, and that's plain as day. All sides wish to curse you for forcing her to have to watch you willingly relive this nightmare that you call love, over and over till it seems you would break from it. All sides wish to curse you for putting her through this predicament and web of unwanted emotions. Yet as much as she wants to, she can't help but understand the fact that your sadness hurts her, and that it would be impossible for her to curse you. Even in jest.
Masochist you both are, no?? And I left to watch and wonder in semi disgust at the spectacle she makes, have to still look upon her with a weary eye. What happens to her with this game goes to far and she cannot separate herself from the web?? What happens to her if, by some miracle, you do get your fantasy dream??
You are both as similar as black is to white; as they are colors, and day is to night; as the are reps of time, yet just as different in some areas. You are both of the relationship between the sun and the moon, yet the part each of you plays is that is still but a mystery to Mi. I don't know if you are the sun and she the moon, or if she is the moon and you the sun sometimes. I do know you hurt her, in ways she can't even explain without coming off wrong.
*sigh
You would like to see her go wild?? Funny, the time seems close at hand....
These and much more I do ponder on when you are mad....

Resevoir Chronicles: "Thats who I am"

I close my eyes and I see your tears,
I close my eyes and I see your smile,
I close my eyes and I see you saying goodbye,
I close my eyes, and all I see is you.

I am aware of how you feel,
I am aware of how you think,
I am aware of how you are,
I am aware I dont comprehend the logic behind it all.

You always say whats on your mind,
You always say how you feel,
You always do as you please,
You always....its always about you.

You say you are listening,
You say you do understand,
You say you know what I am talking about,
You say a lot of things you don't mean.

Deciding when to come, you came.
Deciding when to leave, you left.
Deciding we be intimate, it did not matter.
Deciding all this, you did alone, we have/had no say.

Deciding the story, you make the play.
Deciding the characters, you act the part.
Deciding the ending, you take the bow.
Deciding the audience....wait, where do we come in??

Can I say....

'That's enough' is your standard response,
Who would have guessed it was never words alone?
I have been running in circles,
Am calling it quits now. Taking a rest.

'Thats my best friend' you say a lot.
Who can believe when it's always a lie.
I am tired of begging, talking, this circular journey.
Am finaly giving you your wish, I'll tell you good bye....

I wish I could say....

"That's who I am"

Unchanged

Tears unshed,
Tears unshedable.
Pain unmeasured,
Pain unmeasurable.
Screams unheard,
Screams unhearable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Words unsaid,
Words unsayable.
Thoughts unshared,
Thoughts unshareable.
Things undone,
Things undoable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Time unwound,
Time unwindable.
Things undone,
Things undoable.
Mistakes not undone,
Mistakes not undoable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Emotions unnoticed,
Emotions unnoticable.
Feelings unshared,
Feelings unsharable.
Death unacomplished,
Death unacomplishable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Things ungotten,
Things ungettable.
Wishes unanswered,
Wishes unanswerable.
Desires unmet
Desires unmeetable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Faults unblamed,
Faults unblamable.
Problems unsolved,
problems unsolvable.
Help unatained,
Help unatainable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.
Yet, still remains, unbeating.

Dark Passenger

Last night he spoke,
the dark one. The single Passenger.
She tried not to listen to his words, but as the night drew on,
it got harder and harder.

Last night he called,
And she found it harder to resist.
The end looked even more gorgeous and she wanted to go.
Beauty seemed to reside there alone.

Last night her heart, if it doth still exist, bled.
She bled for that which she wanted.
Did not know she wanted till it was gone,
Did not know she wanted till she lost it.

Last night he yelled,
and she partly complied.
She wanted to do as he said, because it seemed like it would be better.
She wanted to do as he said because it seemed freer.

He was taken from her even before reality set in,
He was taken from her even before her heart could return,
And that which took him from her is sadly one of her own.
Lost in this maze, she is.

Let her out.
She does not want to want him if she cannot have him.
Let her out.
She does not want to hate if there is no need for it.
Let her out.

So now she shall sit, in disgust with herself.
Now she sits, wondering when the next breakdown shall hold.
Now she shall sit, knowing he, she cannot and probably will never have,
Now she shall sit knowing he was kinda into her.
As a voice she would be perfect,
As a sign, she would be perfect.
So is her dilemma, so is her sight, so is her fate.

But tonight once more she worn.
Tonight once more, the dark passenger has receded.
Tonight once more, her chains are freer, her cage wider.
Tonight once more, she lives.

Our fears....

I sit here and watch her,
Terrified to move,
Terrified to breathe.
What if she decides this is it and we are through?
What if she decides she is too weak to go through with it?

For the first time in years the sight of the blade got her heart racing.
For the first time in years, I was not sure what she was gonna do with it when she saw it.

Alone is scary.
Lonely is sad, sadness is sad,
But alone is scary.
The darkness closes in and all I can do is watch her.
I can't help her for I fear we would both be pulled in.
I can't help her for then there would be none to help us out,
None to tell our tale.

The insomnia gets worse,
And when she drops from exhaustion,
The nightmares are unbearable.
Is there anyway to stop this?
Is there any savior in sight?

I know what it is but its hard to accept.
I know its the cycle and thus inevitable.
But I still hope and wish.
Time seems to crawl when she is at this phase,
Like that never ending road that is meant to lead home.

Don't ask her why because she can't say.
Don't get mad when she can't say cause that hurts her.
For you know not how long it took her to convince herself to do whatever.
Though there is no verbally acceptable why she can come up with,
She did think it through.
But the situation is similar to humans needing to breathe to live.
Why must we need air to live?
Just because....is her why....

But she would come out of it, this I know.
For the light is here once more,
That soft warm light at the end of the road.
Though she takes a while to figure out how to get there,
It still shines through the darkness.
She still remains sane and holds on because of that warmth.

I sit here and act as the book keeper,
Detached yet attached to her we both stand alone.
the unknown is a fear that knows no bounds,
But even greater still is the fear of one's self.
The fear of being alone.
Someone help her....help her before she looses to her racing heart at its sight....

かわいそう。。。。彼女の話。

もつかれた。。。。
一人はこわいです。かなしいとさびしいはちょっといいですでも一人はそじゃない。
今。。。。だれかをたすけて。。。。でもむりですね。。。。

ね、もし私が行きます、あなたがしんぱしますか？
でもね、あなたはだれですか？

だれか。。。。おねがい。。。。このばしょ。。。。一人は。。。。ひとりこわいです。。。。

1012: Did....do....forever do....

Tomorrow did come.
Time did continue.
The world did rotate, still.
Babies did still gain life.
Birds did fly.
Buildings did go up.
My pain did still remain.

Love did begin.
Lovers did end.
Laughter did ring.
People did graduate.
Prayers did get answered.
Parties did get crashed.
My pain did still remain.

Some years did go by.
Some thoughts of you did make mi smile.
Some tales of you did make mi cry.
Forty-five minutes they say it did take.
Four minutes they say it did take as well.
For mi, an instant was all there was - and my world did shatter.

I miss you my angels, and though the sun did sine latter....I did, do and forever will miss you.

Kitty-Kat

9 lives had the cat,
now one lost he.
9 lives had the cat,
the world could see.
One life gone away,
So let him be.

Many year books closed,
invincible thought she.
Many year books closed,
life intact: Incredible thought she.
This year book unend,
do let her grieve.

The 9th life missed the cat,
now lost is he.
The 9th life missed the cat,
how sad he be.
Unexpectedly taken from him,
how cruel this is.

9 lives had the cat,
now with the 8 all grieve.
9 lives had the cat,
does he mourn or rejoice?
9 lives now has the cat,
to guard jealously he must.

In memory of Didi Machu, November 2009.
....bazamu manta da sunanki da sorri...
。。。でも今、さよなら。。。

The dreeded occurs...

My heart is in so much pain right now, its not even a joke. I never knew I could get this sad or that it would hurt so much. I mean granted, no one expected him to stay single for life, that's a given, but it still hurts.
I find myself turn between knowing I should be happy for them, and trying so hard not to sin with my thoughts towards her...lol
Maybe it doesnt hurt as bad as I know it would because he is yet to confirm it.
But then again, maybe it hurts so much because he is yet to deny it as well.
I wish I could say they are staring in something together like the last one, and everyone jumped to conclusions but then that's not the case. And no, it doesnt help that she is gorgeous. I mean that was to be expected...
I guess in the end I, we all, have to accept that he is but only human. And just like the rest of the world feels and falls...So has he...

But then again, there is the pressing issue of Jonny's or rather Yamashita's contract with Jonny on the issue of girlfriends...I thought Jonnys werent allowed to date, or at least not in public, no? Is he gonna get in trouble?

In case you were wondering, I am referring to the fact that Yamapi is supposedly dating Kagami Seira...the 22 year old Canadian/Japanese model...enough said...

Is it wrong of mi?

Is it wrong for mi to want something else for her?
Is it wrong for mi to be tired and want it all to end?
She hates her at all times,
But more so when she is 'her'.
Is it wrong for mi to say 'no more room' and have her evicted?

Watching her do the things she does,
Watching her be the thing she is,
The knife suddenly seems so close,
Suddenly, I can deal with the cutting and the blood.
Its not so bad if that is the alternative.

Then watching her crawl up into a ball and kiss death like she did the last time,
Watching her try so hard to cry but cant get the tears out,
Watching her recall it all and get defeated over again,
Knowing some sick version of loyalty and self-challenge is gonna push her out again,
Knowing the cycle is gonna repeat itself again.

Is it wrong for mi to fake believing her when she says she will let her go?
Is it wrong for mi to stay upset and sad because I cant trust her about that?
Is it wrong that I cant trust her about that?
Is it wrong that I cant tell her anything now that she is hurting?
Do I sympathize and not mean it?
Do I reprimand and kill her more?
Is it wrong of mi to think about all this with the knife so close, ready to hand over?