Stage 5

Acceptance. 

At peace. 

I seemed to have breezed through the last three stages faster than I accepted. Negotiation in the shower, depression all through the stages, and now acceptance. 

I have accepted the situation for what it is or isn't. 

I won't say I am happy, just at peace. It is what it is and I can't change it. I don't have to like it, just understand that I can't change it. Isn't that what stage 5 entails?? 

I think Ace let up because it's a new place, and I turned out to be more fragile than anticipated. I would have shattered if the cycle ran according to the normal time course. Shattering now would ruin more than a simple 'I'm sorry' will fix. 

I would still need the fake smiles and laughter. I would still need to keep up with appearances. But the difference now is I know I would be okay. I know I would return to my proverbial norm. 

And in this knowledge, I am at peace. 

Curious. I still never cried. 

xo

Drowning

So I lied. 

I wasn't looking foward to the pain. I wasn't looking foward to the ache. 

I lied to her. Because it made her feel better and less awkward. 

I lied to her. Because it was a pathetic desperate attempt of mine to hold on to my denial. 

I lied to her. Because I didn't want to have to believe it was true. 

I can't hate her cause she's so innocent, it would have to be a sin. 

I can't hate him cause that's petty and it's almost a requirement of his specie so not his fault. 

I can't hate Ace cause that would be giving in and the level of depression that usually follows is beyond my current time capacity. 

I wish I could talk to someone and cry about it. But as pathetic as the situation is in my head, I'm sure it would be worse out loud. 

So I fake my smiles and laughter, and chuck the occasional 'miserable' look to work overload. I grit my teeth and try not to abhor the sound of his name from her lips. Or anyone else's.  

It's fine. I know it's a phase and it'll pass. I've been through this cycle enough to understand the routine. It's just, as usual, for once I wish Ace was wrong. 

For once I wish I could just breakdown and cry at the current phase and not till the explosion. 

For once I wish the cycle would be broken and I'd be free. 

Typical. I pick 'em with fascinating accuracy. 

She said I looked miserable today. How scared shitless I was that there was a crack in my mask. But she was out of her mind I doubt she'd remember. 

She said I had a guard up around mi. At least that's still secure in place. 

Home is a cell, outside a dungeon. Hard to find a place I don't feel I need to crawl into a hole for. 

For once I wish Ace was wrong. 

6 down.... 1 for every 4 yrs?? 

xo

These Words

The urge to come on here is getting greater and greater. That's not a good sign right?? 

Ace is at it again and I don't care. I think it's scary that I don't care. Cause I know the outcome, and it's nothing positive for mi. But I can't bring myself to be bothered. I simply walk pass all the dreams, imaginative stories and innuendos thrown my way. I see what Ace is trying, but I refuse to acknowledge this episode. 

Because that's what it is. An episode. I fall, it comes out, gets rejected, I wallow in self pity and condemnation while Ace gets a fix on my depressive self. That sounds like something that requires effort. 

I have no energy for all that. I have a limited amount of strength at the moment, and picking my battles is the only way to stay sane. The problem now is, why did I automatically rule this out as a battle worth fighting?? I steady assumed an outcome, why?? I already accept I'd cry at the end of this, and I already plan on it. I'm not even making an effort to change that outcome. Weird?? 

I think that's frustrating Ace. Slowing down the process. It's no longer fun teasing someone when you get no reaction. 

I'm just sad I've gotten to the point of having no reaction. 

xo