Drowning

So I lied. 

I wasn't looking foward to the pain. I wasn't looking foward to the ache. 

I lied to her. Because it made her feel better and less awkward. 

I lied to her. Because it was a pathetic desperate attempt of mine to hold on to my denial. 

I lied to her. Because I didn't want to have to believe it was true. 

I can't hate her cause she's so innocent, it would have to be a sin. 

I can't hate him cause that's petty and it's almost a requirement of his specie so not his fault. 

I can't hate Ace cause that would be giving in and the level of depression that usually follows is beyond my current time capacity. 

I wish I could talk to someone and cry about it. But as pathetic as the situation is in my head, I'm sure it would be worse out loud. 

So I fake my smiles and laughter, and chuck the occasional 'miserable' look to work overload. I grit my teeth and try not to abhor the sound of his name from her lips. Or anyone else's.  

It's fine. I know it's a phase and it'll pass. I've been through this cycle enough to understand the routine. It's just, as usual, for once I wish Ace was wrong. 

For once I wish I could just breakdown and cry at the current phase and not till the explosion. 

For once I wish the cycle would be broken and I'd be free. 

Typical. I pick 'em with fascinating accuracy. 

She said I looked miserable today. How scared shitless I was that there was a crack in my mask. But she was out of her mind I doubt she'd remember. 

She said I had a guard up around mi. At least that's still secure in place. 

Home is a cell, outside a dungeon. Hard to find a place I don't feel I need to crawl into a hole for. 

For once I wish Ace was wrong. 

6 down.... 1 for every 4 yrs?? 

xo