Quite a Level.

Irritated, pissed off, angry....a few words to describe my current emotional state. All masking the hurt I'm meant to be feeling I'm sure. I'm shaking, that's quite a level.
I really want to yell at something or someone right now. Or hit things....
Figured the entire thing out, and in the end, I'm annoyed. I guess that's better than depressed. I know for a fact I'm not annoyed at myself which is also a good thing. I think I'm also disappointed a bit. I should stop saying I have '3' friends cause clearly, I'm the only one thinking in that direction. Which is....mmmm....cannot describe the feeling in words.
Interesting.
These past few days have been an emotional up and down, and right now I'm at the point where IDGF anymore. I'm annoyed I was so affected I almost lost my head and let myself sink into some annoying sad zone. Now, I'm just done.
Stalking people, begging to be friends, etc., is a chore I gave up years ago. It's exhausting and brings about self-harm and  I don't want anymore of that.

Off to do something for mi cause that's all that matters right now.

Stage 5

Acceptance. 

At peace. 

I seemed to have breezed through the last three stages faster than I accepted. Negotiation in the shower, depression all through the stages, and now acceptance. 

I have accepted the situation for what it is or isn't. 

I won't say I am happy, just at peace. It is what it is and I can't change it. I don't have to like it, just understand that I can't change it. Isn't that what stage 5 entails?? 

I think Ace let up because it's a new place, and I turned out to be more fragile than anticipated. I would have shattered if the cycle ran according to the normal time course. Shattering now would ruin more than a simple 'I'm sorry' will fix. 

I would still need the fake smiles and laughter. I would still need to keep up with appearances. But the difference now is I know I would be okay. I know I would return to my proverbial norm. 

And in this knowledge, I am at peace. 

Curious. I still never cried. 

xo

Behind My Back came Forward.

He didn't mean for mi to hear. And he had a right to be concerned as a parent.
I understand that in my head. I promise, I do.
The problem is I heard and now I can't help but feel hurt.
This is why I'm a firm advocate for the 'not wanting to hear what people say behind your back' policy. Cause my life is perfectly fine while they talk behind my back. But it's when I hear the words that problems arise.

And the month ends....

Right now, I'd rather be mad at you than feel sad like I am. Cause being mad means I did't expect what you did, so it hurt. But being sad means somewhere in my heart I knew/suspected you would, wished you would prove mi wrong, but you didn't. It hurts even more. 

The truth is I really want to call you. I really want to hear your voice and talk to you. Well, more like listen to you talk, and seeing you happy. You're always happy, and that happiness always make mi feel better. 

But I can't. I can't because if I do, there are only two ways the inevitable conversation will go, and I hate both. Either you'd still not remember, which would hurt like hell; or you'd give some excuses that'd hurt even more. 

Did you know?? In years past, I always indirectly reminded you, for fear of you possibly forgetting. And now, the year I tried to have faith, you completely go as I feared. 

Lol. Someone seeing this may misunderstand, but oh well. I stopped caring a while back so....

Night

The month is finally over huh....was a long one.

Hate that I

Why do you make it so hard for mi to hate you?

Maybe not hate you but at least get over and let go?

You have your bad sides, which you show more. 

But then just when I think this is it....the good you shows up.

Nope, you don't do it intentionally, I don't think you are even aware.

Which is what makes this even worse. 

I can't hate you for being you.

I can't love you for being you.

Either way you look at it, I'm screwed aren't I?

RIP Soldier

Death is such an untimely guest. 

One minute alls well, and the next its here. Hard to grasp, difficult to understand. Unwanted yet unavoidable. Unplanned yet unstoppable.

How is it not unfair that one so bright and beautiful, gets life cut short so abruptly with no explanation or planning. 

On the one hand, you do want to meet many people in life, to get touched by the blessings they are and hope to touch them so in the end. 

On the other hand, you don't want to meet many people in life, for there is a greater chance of you getting hurt in the end. 

I digress.

This is an Ode to a classic being, to a bright light and a wonderful human being. I met you for a short time but even from the distance I was privileged to be blessed by your beautiful soul. 

RIP Emeka Mbakwe....another Angel

....To live is to have loved and be loved....

Junkie for Pain

It's the waiting that is killing mi
It's the waiting that I hate.
It's the waiting that makes mi want to throw myself off a bridge and end it all.
It's the waiting that depresses mi
It's the waiting that hurts.
It's the waiting that makes the reality all too real and knife worthy.
It's the waiting that gnaws at mi
It's the waiting I dispise.
It's the waiting that gets restarted as soon as that re-blinking light begins.
It's the waiting that's anxious for mi
It's the waiting that kills.
It's the waiting that makes my heart race without a reason.

Torture

Tormenting mi seems to be the order of the day, week, month and freaking year. The funny part is I can't complain because it would be quite silly sounding....maybe I should go see a therapist but then what would I say?? 'Hi, meet the unlovable. Now fix mi?' Ok sure, I shouldn't say that but it is really hard....

It's not even sad as much as it is so bloody annoying....you know when someone is enjoying every minute of the torture he or she is putting you through. Where you can see the amusement your reaction brings, and as much as you hate to fuel that look, your emotions and your heart refuse to cooperate with you. 

But really though, why do I keep jumping back into the same pattern and the same routine?? I sink into depression, drag myself out, spend most of my life fighting it, loose and back again....
And through all of it, my heart hurts.
....
....

I want out. 

I Often Miss Him

Some days I miss him.
I miss his smile, 
I miss his laughter.
I miss the way his eyes light up when he finds something funny.
Its funny though; I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his voice,
I miss his words.
I miss how he gets amused when he irritates mi.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his eyes,
I miss his face.
I miss the way his eyes twinkle for no reason at times.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss the laughter,
I miss the arguments.
I miss the bikker and random comments that go for days on end.
Its funny though; I never had him, though some days, I wish I had. 

Prayer of a Broken Bird

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Cause I am broken. 

In pieces I am,

As I've been touched but not loved.

In pieces I am,

As I've been held but not kept.

In pieces I am, 

As I've been pulled close but never shown forever. 

Now I am broken.

I have no more pieces to shatter.

I have no more parts to break. 

I have no more lives to live.

I have no more hopes to hold on to. 

There would be no survival for more breaks. 

There would be no strand to keep me together.

So broken, I make this plea: 

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Give me a chance to live again. 

He was human

He was gay,
He died.
His partner cried,
Society shunned.

Why though??

He was someone's child,
He was someone's hope.
He was someone's love,
He was someone's world.

He came out,
Got harassed.
Suicide.
His partner cried,
Society shunned.

Why though??

He also had a mother,
He also had a friend.
He also brought laughter,
He also brought joy.

He was,
He is,
He will remain,
Forever human.

Fair v Unfair

Funny how I ask to leave, at the appropriate time, and I get turned down. But then when it becomes too hard for everyone, like I thought it would be, when it becomes too congested for everyone, like I knew it would be, they all decide, maybe now is the time to flee. They all decide maybe being together is no longer conducive, and leaving is a good idea. 

Cute right??

Did anyone ever think it might be hard for mi now?? Did anyone ever think making mi stay when I didn't want to, making mi try to make it work when I didn't think it was a good idea, then telling mi to let it go might be just a little bit overly emotional for mi. 

Cruel she said.

Ya, maybe I'm cruel. Since in the end, I'm the one who is called cruel. In the end, I'm the one who needs to make random explanations. In the end, I'm the one who has to apologize to make everyone feel better. In the end, I'm the one who has to let it go and try and make it better. I do get hurt, but in the end, it doesn't really matter cause I'm the cruel one. 

Its my fault though. I'm the one who keeps expecting so much from people, I'm the one who gets hurt when that expectation is not met. I'm the one who trusts infinitely. I'm the one who gets hurt when that trust is broken. I'm the one who accepts all friends, and I'm the one whose friend gets told, in so many words, she is un-welcomed. 

I'm the one that pushes everyone away. I'm the one alone, like I knew from the start. I'm the one thinking 'maybe I could have endured a little bit, maybe I could have pretended I was fine for a little longer'. I'm the one that keeps writing and conducting the research on the fact that 'everyone leaves'.

I'm the one who is always right.

This time, before and probably next time.

Funny thing is, I'm still the one who would be asked what went wrong, held accountable and blamed, I'm still the one who would be called 'selfish' in the end. 
Maybe I really am selfish.
Maybe I really am cruel. 
Maybe I really deserve to be put here over and over.
In the end....

It's all mi in the end. 

lol, I should stick to South-east Asia, at least I understand them a little better.