...It is Well....

Some people live, and some people die.

The choice of who falls in what camp seems to be as random as a game of Russian roulette. Age, ethnicity, gender, income level....nothing seems to be a factor in who gets chosen, and who gets left behind. One family prays for a child for a decade, gets blessed with one, only to loose said child barely two decades later. Another family has children immediately, get to live and see the great-grand-children, offspring of the original prayer.
What is the criteria for falling into camp A versus camp B?? We, as Christians, are told to not fear death. Have faith. Don't let the fear of the unknown control you.
I must admit, in this new world, where young and old are fair game, it gets harder and harder.
Is it a new world, or am I just becoming more aware as I grow older??

My friend's brother, a school mate, passed away suddenly. I understand this logically, but I can't feel. My heart is frozen; paralysed with fear. I'm too scared to imagine the hurt, the pain, the sorrow. I'm too scared to fathom the idea that someone so young will be gone so soon. I'm too scared to accept it, cause in my head, I see the grim ripper with a lottery box, pulling out numbers at random.
I don't want to be scared, but I don't know how not to be. The days where I lived in the illusion that you cannot die till you have seen your grand-children are long gone. What happened to that little girl with all the faith??

I want to call or text, but I have no words. All I keep on hearing, all I keep on seeing are the lyrics to the song, 'It is well.' It is well, it is well, it is well, it is well.... I have no words, and so I will continue to say this prayer for her and her family. I'll say those words because I know above all else, only God knows why and He alone can heal. So, it is well.


Lord, may our children burry us; but only after we have seen, held and communed with our children's children. Lord, may we burry our fathers and mothers; but only after they have seen, held, blessed and created long lasting memories with our children. Lord, may we not mourn our children. Lord, may our children only rejoice in our parting to join you in our old age.

Alive, Sorrys and R.I.P

Today, I realized we were no longer friends on Facebook. I don't know how long this has been the case for, and ironically, I don't know who unfriended whom. I say this because there was a time I wanted to delete you from my life entirely, so there is a chance I did that then. There is also a chance you did the unfriending, in which case, anytime in the last couple of months will be a fair guess.  

What struck mi wasn't the fact that we were no longer friends, (as that has been evident for a while now), but how petty and unchristian I have been about the entire ordeal. True, I transitioned from being mad to disliking to not carrying to being neutral where you were concerned. But I was mean in the things I said about you. 

For that I truly am sorry. 

It's not that I want to 'fix' things or become friends again. I don't think our personalities align for that or that it is necessary. But the negative comments were uncalled for and for that, I am sorry. 

How you choose to live your life and what you choose to do really are not my concern or for mi to comment on. We are strangers who go to school together to be fair. I can't comment on the things you do because I don't know you. 

So I am sorry for everything this far. Quite certain you won't see this. Quite certain there is no point talking about this. But I do promise, to myself and God at least, that if I have nothing good to say, I won't say anything at all. I sincerely wish you well here on out, and I hope this reflects in my attitude and behaviour as well. I'm not doing this for you, but so I can look myself in the mirror and be okay. 

xo

Learning

Learning to communicate.

Voicing out my thoughts changed the theme of this post from a sorrowful mystery to what it is about to be. 

Learning to be alone. 

As terrifying as it still is, accepting that it is okay to be alone; understanding that not being with the person you want to be at a particular time isn't the same thing as being alone. There are many who love mi. 

Learning to fight the fears.

Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, it's so easy to give in. Yes, it's breaking away from the norm. Yes, it is what's best for mi. 

Learning that I am changing. 

A scary process, as there are no rules, guidelines or concrete stands. Yet, it's a necessary aspect. Necessary part of moving forward, letting go, facing the demons; becoming free. 

xo

Mi

My Close Far Friend

I have a close friend. Who became a friend. Who became my close far friend.

People always said she was poisonous. And while she had a lot of us as friends at some point, we all seem to drift away, or run away, when our problems come because then we notice the 'burden' carrying her problems are. Then we hear all the talk about her being poison. All the talks about her being a negative influence. All the talks about her not being the right sort of friend for us.

Looking back now though, I ask myself, was it not more mi not being the right sort of friend for her??

She had issues that she needed divine intervention to work out. Issues that have now become deep rooted and are plaguing her today. Granted then, I was not in a position to help. At least, my emotional and mental state at the time were so focused on mi I couldn't see past my little 'hell'.

But now I look at her, hear about her, read her stories and feel guilty. I feel guilty because I think 'I probably played a hand in that outcome'. One can argue that she made her choices, there's nothing you could have done, she is strong willed, and all that English people like to speak when they don't want to accept responsibility. But if I want to be honest, there is something I could have done.

I could have prayed.

I read about my friend's life now and I fight back the tears. In her words I hear loneliness, hopelessness, despair, bitterness, hatred, regret, pain, sorrow....and all the things you do not want to hear from a young person. She has rejected God, because she feels he has rejected her. She feels this way because none of her friends prayed and held on for her.

But I love that it is not too late.

So first, I will repent for not doing my duty as a friend. Then I will pray for her like I do myself. I know she needs a hug from God. I know she wants it. And best of all, I know God wants her too.

So until the day I read a different story from her life, my prayer shall be "Lord, show her you love her, show her she has a right to be happy, show her she is beautiful because she is your child. But most important of them all, show her she needs you"

Won't you pray for my friend with mi?? ;)

xo

Broken Record

There are some friends that make you feel like an addict and a begger all blended into one. 

An addict cause you feel the need to keep them in your life, you can't live without them you seem to think. Though unsaid, it's clear your more obsessed with their existence than they are yours. You try to quit them, but like a broken junkie, you keep relapsing. You try to stay away. 

'Maybe if I don't call this week, they'd notice and call mi'. Never happens. You barely make the week before you call; terrified that the silence would make you nonexistent in their lives. 

A begger because it seems you grovel for  their attention. You're ecstatic when they contact you on those rare occasions. Like Christmas came early and Santa chose you as 'Best Kid of the Year'. 

You beg them to keep in touch, all the while hating yourself slowly because you know they don't even realize what they are doing - the worst bloody aspect of the entire issue. 

Then they do something unfathomable. Like forgetting your birthday for instance. The one day you have always held dear; because no matter what, you know it is the God given day you can get your much desired fix. Your conversation with them. But they forget. 

With all the social media, you can't even find the usual excuses you make to justify their actions. 

They forget, and rather than being mad, you find yourself sad and disappointed. Mostly in yourself. It isn't a first - only before, you preempted the situation and performed damage control by reminding said person indirectly. 

Now you sit here wondering if 'friendship' is really the word to describe this dysfunctional relationship. 

You sit here, silently hoping they call - though it's been days. Cause like a love sick puppy, you'd forgive them anything as you both know in this relationship, you need them more. 

You know what I'm talking about, right?? No?? Well aren't you just the f'kn perfectly whole human??