The Other Conversation

If it occurred, it will go something like this:

You: Hey, are we okay??
Mi: What do you mean??
You: Was just wondering....kinda feel like we aren't as close as we used to be.
Mi: Oh....yeah, I guess so.
You: So....we're not okay??
Mi: Haha. We are not not okay. I'm just overly emotional and you don't do emotions. I don't want to burden you or worse, have you brush something as 'not so serious' when I am clearly catastrophizing.
You: Isn't that unfair though?? I mean you automatically assuming I will get it wrong.
Mi: Yeah I know. I'm just too scared/too much of a coward to try. Plus even if I muster up the courage, there is no room. I already appear to be the third wheel.
You: What --
Mi: Oh no I'm not mad or anything. It's just a fact I have to accept that's all. Might be sad, but I'll live.


But It won't occur. I've been doing such a good job at faking it, sometimes I almost believe I have made it. And let's face facts, it's a good thing it doesn't occur.

It's okay though. If I keep telling myself that, at some point, it really will be.

At some point, someone I pick will also pick mi.

xo

The 5 Stages

Stage 1 Denial
I think we covered that in the elaborate morning session I had where I tried my hardest to convince her, more so myself, that it wasn't true. The entire thing came as a shock to mi, I wasn't ready.

Stage 2 Anger
I'm mad at him. I'm mad at her. Then I'm mad at myself for feeling that way because it makes no sense. I'm mad at the unfair reality. I'm mad cause I know it is a world I have created myself. I'm mad cause I know its a self constructed trap I can't get out off. I'm mad because the founding emotion isn't even there this time. So there was no pleasant phase then despair. There was only numbness, then sudden slow, climaxing pain.

Stage 3 Bargaining
Not here yet, but I imagine this stage would/should be skipped entirely. There is nothing to bargain. There is nothing to negotiate. I know I would try to bargain with Ace, because that is how this drama always plays out. But it makes no sense because no one else exists in this fantasy nightmare, yet everyone has a part they unconsciously play. So bargaining we shall.

Stage 4 Depression
I imagine this is recurrent from Stage 1. I refuse to believe there is something worse than my current heart wrenching ache in store for mi. Maybe I can finally cry here. Maybe that's what sets this aside as a stage on its own.

Stage 5 Acceptance
The final stage where I return to the functioning china that is my norm. Seems a long way off since we are only in stage two. But then again, might progress faster the more torturous exposure I am dealt. One would think, from the way I am, that I have a masochistic streak in mi. Cause why else would I not try to at least separate myself from my nightmares? I always find a way to select the characters from such a tight knit circle around mi, that there is no option but to go through the motion and experience all 5 stages.

And yet I am even more disgusted because in view of all the problems people are facing in the world, this might sound like an annoying buzzing fly to someone else. So I keep it all to myself, place the perfect smile on my face, have the appropriate response ready and laugh when I need to. I can't let anyone in on this pathetic little nightmare I have myself trapped in.
Smiling through the tears that refuse to fall, I say adieu.
xo

Family Affairs

     Going 'home' is always a batch of mixed emotions. And the longer I stay, the more the sad emotions overwhelm. 

Before leaving in the beginning, I understood that I would has to sacrifice family to leave so far. With the ones I knew, it wasn't so bad. It's the ones I don't know that sort of hurt. 

Which is basically my dad's entire family line, save a few. 

    

Family issues and etc made it so we never grew up together like mum's side. So meeting them is like meeting strangers. We are all grown up with different works/paths in life. Do you know how freaking awkward it is to go see family and firs be introduced as family, then have nothing to say and get 'thanked for coming' when leaving?? Try doing all that when an 'uncle' (technically speaking) passes away. So the first time you meet the family is to say 'sorry for you-our?? loss'/nice to meet you. Of course we don't know what said uncle looked like so there's that. 

It makes sitting in the room with all that family the loneliest place on earth. 

Then there is the funny aspect of the siblings not being close, to the point that they keep calling each other to get directions to the house of the late brother. How don't siblings know where each other live?? In the same state. It's so weird. 

The entire family is weird. 

Afterwards, I'm just exhausted, have a progressing migraine, and in need to sleep. 

But there's no one to tell this all to, so of course we smile and fake it. 

Mi