The Other Conversation

If it occurred, it will go something like this:

You: Hey, are we okay??
Mi: What do you mean??
You: Was just wondering....kinda feel like we aren't as close as we used to be.
Mi: Oh....yeah, I guess so.
You: So....we're not okay??
Mi: Haha. We are not not okay. I'm just overly emotional and you don't do emotions. I don't want to burden you or worse, have you brush something as 'not so serious' when I am clearly catastrophizing.
You: Isn't that unfair though?? I mean you automatically assuming I will get it wrong.
Mi: Yeah I know. I'm just too scared/too much of a coward to try. Plus even if I muster up the courage, there is no room. I already appear to be the third wheel.
You: What --
Mi: Oh no I'm not mad or anything. It's just a fact I have to accept that's all. Might be sad, but I'll live.


But It won't occur. I've been doing such a good job at faking it, sometimes I almost believe I have made it. And let's face facts, it's a good thing it doesn't occur.

It's okay though. If I keep telling myself that, at some point, it really will be.

At some point, someone I pick will also pick mi.

xo

Quite a Level....Opposite

Re-read what I wrote on the last 'quite a level'. Must be a fun ride swinging back and forth. I did figure it all out, with the help of a friend. And I was upset, more hurt than upset. And I was, contrary to my expectations, upset at myself not others. It hurt and I cried. A lot. Not like I have in years. Then I woke up and it all....stopped.
Now, I guess you could say I am numb. You know when you've grieved and cried and hurt and then you are.... done?? There's nothing there, just numb.
It's not peace, but it's not pain either.
I've come to a general acceptance and now, I guess I'm just existing with the new found understanding. Taking the days as they come. Is this how the last of the 5 stages feels??
I'm not upset anymore. At anyone, myself included.
That is a good thing right??
I feel almost robotic in a way. Going through the motions but not really. Saying the right things (or what I think should be accepted in the moment). Not saying the first 10 things that come to mind (cause not everyone wants to hear that). Smiling when necessary, laughing (attempting to) where needed and speaking when spoken to (that way I don't say unnecessary things or think about unnecessary things either). Focusing on school so that way my mind doesn't have a chance to wander. And when it's all done, at the end of the day, all the mental activity leaves mi exhausted and I can fall into semi-unconsciousness. I don't sleep, at least not much. Just enough to keep mi alert and avoid dreaming.
I won't say it's an ok state to be in. I won't say it's a bad state to be in.
It's just a state.
xo

Breathless

Overwhelmed.
I need to let it out.
I need to shout.
I need to talk, scream, something.
Why?
Cause if I keep thinking I'd go insane.
If I keep trying to find answers to all these I'd go crazy.
I ask God. But it's like the more I ask, the more questions come up.
The only answer I know is that I have to go.
I know if I stay, I'd be stuck.
I can't explain how I know or why that scares me a lot, but it is.
Maybe because this is the longest I've stayed.
Maybe because I feel out of my depth and lost.
Maybe because I have a blank slate when 'this' is presented as my future.
Maybe because I simply do not want to.
But the questions keep on coming.
The answers keep on running.
I know if I talk this out I'd be fine.
But there is no one to talk to.
I mean everyone is around, but 'a someone' is missing.
Everyone else would ask more questions.
Everyone else would be equally burdened.
Everyone else....
I need to talk, scream, something.
I need to shout.
I need to let it out.
Overwhelmed.

Freaky Tales

Death and Sex.

Thats all I seem to think about these days. A rather peculiar, albeit, dangerous combination, I know. Its not like I plan to think about them...it....the thought(s) just pop up randomly. Sometimes in the same scene, other times, separately. Would be so nice to talk to someone about the crap occurring in my head. I can't though. So terrified that I'd get locked up if words gets out lol. And the only person I would have been able to talk to....well the laws of 'x and o's state that I cannot burden said person any longer. 

The Bridge

The tale of the bridge.

A magnificent creature is the bridge.

Standing tall in the open space. The bridge is all that links both sides together. The bridge brings unity, it brings harmony, it makes them one. 

A powerful creature is the bridge. 

The bridge knows both sides independently.  And understands that together, they make a perfect pair, working together, becoming one. 

A unique creature is the bridge.

The bridge moves, and the harmony is gone. Everything falls out of place, the perfect pair stop working, they no longer are one.

A lonely creature is the bridge. 

Stands solo between both halves. When the bridge moves, alone it goes, the perfect pair go back to living their independent lives, no more one.

Alone again, the bridge is. 

Lonely Sojourner

I don't know what it is I need to cry about, but its clearly something since I can't seem to get my mood in order and my eyes to stop the random tearing. 

I want a hug, from someone, semi-in-particular, or something to that effect. But for that to happen, I would have to, a, come up with a reasonable explanation for why I feel the way I feel, and b, take a detour flight to go see said semi-in-particular person. 

I think it is that I would need those I love and can't 'un-love' to stop pointing out to mi, the very perfectly formed flaws I am well aware of. Contrary to popular believes, it doesn't really help when you say it over and over again. No, I don't get motivated and the problem doesn't get fixed. I get some what depressed, with a progressive downward spiral as the reminders keep coming. I already know what the flaws are, I'm not ignorant of them, sadly. I am just not in a position to do anything about them at the moment. That, I believe, is my only curse, flaw....I don't know. 

I'm moving again. Its semi by choice, as always, but I'm still a little sad cause I thought this was it. I mean sure, there is a 1/9 chance I'm coming back here, but like all things altered, it won't ever be the same. I'm not sure if part of whats bugging mi is the fact that there will be change again, the fact that I didn't find what I seem to be searching for, the fact that I'd have to start over or all of the above that bugs. 

Its funny, all my friends broke up with significant others. I feel almost guilty for the initial thoughts and reactions I had when this occurred. Selfish aint I?? On the one hand, I cherish their happiness. On the other, I covert it. This might be why I am punished. I'm pretty sure there is a law against covetousness. But I'm moving again. A chance to start over, a chance to find my answers, and a chance to meet some more new people who I'd soon enough leave for a different place. But I should find solace in that I am spreading the love, that is so very abundant in mi, around. Without a replenishing source and the constant sad-smiling-let-downs, hopefully, the source never runs dry. 

The End. 

Junkie for Pain

It's the waiting that is killing mi
It's the waiting that I hate.
It's the waiting that makes mi want to throw myself off a bridge and end it all.
It's the waiting that depresses mi
It's the waiting that hurts.
It's the waiting that makes the reality all too real and knife worthy.
It's the waiting that gnaws at mi
It's the waiting I dispise.
It's the waiting that gets restarted as soon as that re-blinking light begins.
It's the waiting that's anxious for mi
It's the waiting that kills.
It's the waiting that makes my heart race without a reason.

I Often Miss Him

Some days I miss him.
I miss his smile, 
I miss his laughter.
I miss the way his eyes light up when he finds something funny.
Its funny though; I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his voice,
I miss his words.
I miss how he gets amused when he irritates mi.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his eyes,
I miss his face.
I miss the way his eyes twinkle for no reason at times.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss the laughter,
I miss the arguments.
I miss the bikker and random comments that go for days on end.
Its funny though; I never had him, though some days, I wish I had. 

Can I Be For A Min

Can I be sad for a minute and cry??

Nope; I told you so.

Can I feel bad for myself for just a little bit??

Nope; it would help no one.

Can I talk for a minute and unburden??

Nope; it becomes impossible to press-down.

Can I crawl under my blanket, with headphones and block it all away??

Nope; this is your reality.

Is it so much to ask that I get a reciprocal??

Yes, the world can’t be fair.

Is it so difficult to get a shoulder for a bit??

Yes, you currently can’t afford it.

Is it bad that I want to be…. so scared I cant even ask it….

Yes, must do you first.

Is it such a horrible thing when I let myself out??
Yes, you currently aren’t worth it.

Won’t it be nice to not have to say I knew it all the time??

Just as nice as it would be to predict the future.

Won’t it be nice to not have to feel this déjà vu only with an actual past always??

Just as nice as it would be to change the past.

Won’t it be nice to not have to fight the nausea constantly, unsure if its at the thought of self or others??

Just as nice as it would be to look in the mirror unforced.

Won’t it be nice to be a little secure, at least even before anything happens??

Just as nice as it would be to be free.

Is it bad to not want this constant racing heart??

Nope, but a lottery wish is easier.

Is it bad to not want this constant longing too??

Nope, but an addict’s freedom is easier to achieve.

Is it bad to not want to be the ‘no’ option all the time??

Nope, but the ugly duckling seems to have an easier luck.

Is it bad to just have the eye on mi for once, doesn't even have to be first??

Nope, but that's too pathetic for my ego to let you be.

Prayer of a Broken Bird

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Cause I am broken. 

In pieces I am,

As I've been touched but not loved.

In pieces I am,

As I've been held but not kept.

In pieces I am, 

As I've been pulled close but never shown forever. 

Now I am broken.

I have no more pieces to shatter.

I have no more parts to break. 

I have no more lives to live.

I have no more hopes to hold on to. 

There would be no survival for more breaks. 

There would be no strand to keep me together.

So broken, I make this plea: 

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Give me a chance to live again. 

....When he doesn't turn....

She stands by the window,
staring out.
It's windy outside, she notices,
'He would be cold' she thinks and smiles. 


She makes a bet with Mi,
a silly one to be honest.
No was an option, she didn't take it,
'If he cares, he'd look', we agree. 


I watch her lean in towards the window,
she touches it lightly.
We both know the outcome, silly bet. 
'Like watching a train wreck' she says and smiles. 


He comes out and pulls his hoody tighter,
she smiles the 'I-told-you-so' smile.
He walks to the parking lot and searches for his car,
she smiles the 'I-knew-it' smile.


He gets in his car and drives off,
she says a quick safety prayer.
I look at her, pained by the sadness in her eyes.
'Its not a win when you're on the same side' I say.


A silly bet,
A silly bet that was. 

The Girl Who Danced With The Snake

It struck as weird didn't it?? Her advocating for the new guy instead of d old. But thinking about it in this order might make some sense. 

Remember the A likes B but B likes C scenario?? Well this is more A likes B. B is dating C. And then there is her. Usually, she's not a fan of the underdog. But this time, she wants A to get B. Though the chances are slim. But that's all her vicarious living talking.
She has gone through the personal cycle of liking A (in normal people terms), getting dumped, getting over it and wishing for his happiness - all in her head.
What if I tell you she thought about liking A, decided on her own he won't like her, got sad/over it and projected her 'almost' feelings unto B.
So it looks like she is rooting for A and B for their sake or as a friend, but in actuality, she'd get to live vicariously through B. Pathetic ain't it?? Now what happens when she plays too much or over projects or deludes herself into believing she could let herself like A and see what happens??

This little dilemma is one of the main reasons I, and not she, keep the keys to our heart. Its too fragile for a repeat of last time for instance. 

New Year Resolution

I woke up this morning feeling like I just woke up from a really bad dream. Problem wasn't the dream I just had. It felt like 'Mi' suddenly woke up to realize someone else had been living my life the past few years. And a close review of that person's actions felt very much like it should be a bad dream. 

HSR: The reincarnation of a life/past you assumed dead but rudely awaken to. 

Thats all am going to say about that. 

I realized recently, well last night, that I am a social/emotional chameleon. Doesn't that mean I have no true identity per say?? Well only around them I believe. I think everywhere else, I am Mi, but once around them, I become....well frankly speaking I still have no clue on that. lol.

Thing is, Idk if I want to be sad about that or what emotional feelings I should have to this new discovery. I normal person would be quite disturbed. I was disturbingly intrigued by how easy it was for mi to change colors at 'need' and I think that fact bothered mi a bit. But the problem is I think I am only a chameleon when I don't feel the need to make an effort to let you see mi. Which, being the case it seems with all of them, makes the situation extra sad.

Idthink I am making much sense. 

As for the title, I was going to say I would try and be 'Mi' with everyone as my New Year's Resolution, but as I went along with the writing, I realized that in itself would be a lie. To get there, I need to trust. Since I haven't found a reason to revisit that chapter, I would keep that little resolution elsewhere. One aspect I would stop' chameleoning' with though is the status change. Quite frankly its tiring, pathetic and down right unlike mi. lol. So I'd be single again. Scratch that, I am single. (sigh of relief). 

Don't worry about understanding all this cause I didn't even try to as I wrote it. lol.

Why Can't I Hate You??

Lets describe....short of words.....first time. Lol

Kill Mi quickly cause this slow shit aint cutting it. You won’t shut up, which is the only problem right now you know. Cause everything else I am used to, everything else I can take. But you just won’t Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Its not hard cause it was expected. Being observant is a bitch but hey, gives a girl a warning at least. Lol. So it was clear and accepted long before anything happened. Now we both know that, so why do you insist on going on and on about it?? Why won’t you just let Mi endure my hell in peace?? That’s unfair.

Hell is bad enough as it is, being there with you, now that is just the ultimate punishment.

Do I beg?? But that makes you happy doesn't it?? You get worse and there is nothing I can do about it....life is a lot better when I don't beg. 
Fuck it, who we kidding, I won't beg you even if it would cost my life....I guess we both know it, which is why we also both know I am doomed to this hell you have placed mi. 

Like it or not I may, but there is nothing I can do about it....so God help us both then....
someone needs to.... 

....From The Eyes Of The Beheld....

When you adore something, you watch it.
You don't touch it.
You don't touch it for you fear that then it would be contaminated. No longer pure, no longer the beauty that you behold. You would be contaminating it with the essence of yourself. The essence that makes you thus unworthy, thus impure, thus a simple guardian.
You understand this, you accept this.
But then disaster strikes.
Now that which you adore so is in shambles. You watch as the pieces gather together. Holding on to each other to soothe the ache that they each share. The common ache that you all share, though yours is well masked, well hidden.
You watch the bond and once again, it's painfully clear. Your heart is hurt cause you watch that which you adore stand before you, its pieces holding on together to comfort itself. To become stronger.
Suddenly, it becomes even more painfully obvious, your position. You are merely an observer to them. A visitor, charming nonetheless, but still a visitor. One with a mere interest in what that which you adore are, but not one that can feel or understand like them. You are automatically tagged, along with the rest of the outsiders, as one with sympathy, but incapable of empathy.
Tragic loss.
Now you have two kinds of pain to deal with. The pain of watching your beloved hurt in a way you could never have wished upon your own daemons. The pain of being all but ostracized as an outsider by the same beloved: Kept so close but yet so far, stuck between being one and being none. An empath to your degree, it hurts more.
You close your eyes, and the eery all too familiar echo of silence engulfs you. Not the silence of peace, but that which echos with lonesomeness. That which is plagued by the every living fact that awake or in sleep, remains eternal.
It's sad. Playing the beholder to the beholder to the beheld. The beheld knows not what it does to the other. The beholder cannot help the one between. For as sad as it is to say, the beholder is but one.
So to soothe yourself, you dive into the fantasies. The loves, the hopes, the dreams once held, all fulfilled. For a time, the ache is pacified, the loneliness is sated. And like a drug, the effect soon wears out, leaving you aching till the next dose.

If you understand any of this, then congratulations. You have become a beholder; seeing what no other has been able to do before - see from the eyes of the one in between....

Her darkness

She likes the night because she is free.
All is still at night and all is alone.
Thus the echos of her loneliness blend right in.
The missing pieces in her smile go unnoticed.

She hates the day for she is bound.
The brightness shows it all, so she needs a mask.
To hide the tears and the emptiness within.
And words to deafen the hallowing echos from within.

Faked

She likes the night because she is free.
All is still at night, all is alone.
Thus the echoes of her loneliness blend right in.
The missing pieces in her smile go unnoticed.

She hates the day for she is bound.
The brightness shows it all, so she needs a mask.
To hide the tears and the emptiness of her heart.
And words to deafen the hallowing echoes from within.

....She....

Darkness engulfing,
closer, closer.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to out run it.

Light receding,
faster, faster.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to run to it.

Shakes subduing,
colder, colder.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to get off the island.

Warmth retreating,
farther, farther.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to get close enough to keep it.

Cycle rotating,
slowly, slowly,
And no matter how different the show seems,
she can't help but end up at the same finish line.

Story unfolding,
magically, magically,
And no matter how wonderful the play looks,
she can't help but end up with the same part, audience, all the time....

Reservoir Chronicles: I wish I could....

Take back all my care and worries,
take back all my frustrations,
take back all my sleepless nights,
take back all anxiety for you....
take it all back because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back all the solutions I tried to think of,
take back all the rescues I did come up with,
take back all the fights I had because of you,
take back all the harshness I endured,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back ignoring what seems now as the voice of reasoning,
take back stressing since it seems this was all fake to you,
take back the day I said 'ok, I'll listen' because it seems cursed,
take back letting some emotions show rather than leaving the cage sealed,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back the times I smiled and said I cared,
take back the decades it seemed I spent praying for you,
take back the centuries it seemed I spent listening to you,
take back the millenniums it seemed I spent being angry for you,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel stupid.


Tell myself this is the last time and know it is true,
tell myself I can walk away from it all and know I can,
tell myself that I really don't know why I feel so and believe it,
tell myself that this is for your good and be happy with that,
tell myself to make it better, because you've made Mi feel stupid.


A lass in the end, she still stands alone.... her greatest fear now a reality.... which road do we turn to now, I hear her unasked questions.... and in the silence, it remains so.... unasked, unanswered.... as I watch the chains fall back in place, and the locks close in once more....