The 5 Stages

Stage 1 Denial
I think we covered that in the elaborate morning session I had where I tried my hardest to convince her, more so myself, that it wasn't true. The entire thing came as a shock to mi, I wasn't ready.

Stage 2 Anger
I'm mad at him. I'm mad at her. Then I'm mad at myself for feeling that way because it makes no sense. I'm mad at the unfair reality. I'm mad cause I know it is a world I have created myself. I'm mad cause I know its a self constructed trap I can't get out off. I'm mad because the founding emotion isn't even there this time. So there was no pleasant phase then despair. There was only numbness, then sudden slow, climaxing pain.

Stage 3 Bargaining
Not here yet, but I imagine this stage would/should be skipped entirely. There is nothing to bargain. There is nothing to negotiate. I know I would try to bargain with Ace, because that is how this drama always plays out. But it makes no sense because no one else exists in this fantasy nightmare, yet everyone has a part they unconsciously play. So bargaining we shall.

Stage 4 Depression
I imagine this is recurrent from Stage 1. I refuse to believe there is something worse than my current heart wrenching ache in store for mi. Maybe I can finally cry here. Maybe that's what sets this aside as a stage on its own.

Stage 5 Acceptance
The final stage where I return to the functioning china that is my norm. Seems a long way off since we are only in stage two. But then again, might progress faster the more torturous exposure I am dealt. One would think, from the way I am, that I have a masochistic streak in mi. Cause why else would I not try to at least separate myself from my nightmares? I always find a way to select the characters from such a tight knit circle around mi, that there is no option but to go through the motion and experience all 5 stages.

And yet I am even more disgusted because in view of all the problems people are facing in the world, this might sound like an annoying buzzing fly to someone else. So I keep it all to myself, place the perfect smile on my face, have the appropriate response ready and laugh when I need to. I can't let anyone in on this pathetic little nightmare I have myself trapped in.
Smiling through the tears that refuse to fall, I say adieu.
xo

He's Back

He sent mi a message, and I forgave him.
I haven't heard what he has to say. He said he would explain. he doesn't know I have forgiven him, but the speed at which I did annoys mi.
I could have tried to stay mad.
It's like I can't be mad at him, and that annoys mi. Even more annoying is the fact that it seems I forgave him for mi, more so than for him.
But I won't tell him. And I can't see his face. Because he would know.
He probably already knows, but my pride needs some sort of balm. He doesn't need to know any more than he already does, how much I....

He's back and I think I have mixed feelings.
 Kryptonite.
xo

Torture

Tormenting mi seems to be the order of the day, week, month and freaking year. The funny part is I can't complain because it would be quite silly sounding....maybe I should go see a therapist but then what would I say?? 'Hi, meet the unlovable. Now fix mi?' Ok sure, I shouldn't say that but it is really hard....

It's not even sad as much as it is so bloody annoying....you know when someone is enjoying every minute of the torture he or she is putting you through. Where you can see the amusement your reaction brings, and as much as you hate to fuel that look, your emotions and your heart refuse to cooperate with you. 

But really though, why do I keep jumping back into the same pattern and the same routine?? I sink into depression, drag myself out, spend most of my life fighting it, loose and back again....
And through all of it, my heart hurts.
....
....

I want out. 

Prayer of a Broken Bird

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Cause I am broken. 

In pieces I am,

As I've been touched but not loved.

In pieces I am,

As I've been held but not kept.

In pieces I am, 

As I've been pulled close but never shown forever. 

Now I am broken.

I have no more pieces to shatter.

I have no more parts to break. 

I have no more lives to live.

I have no more hopes to hold on to. 

There would be no survival for more breaks. 

There would be no strand to keep me together.

So broken, I make this plea: 

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Give me a chance to live again.