The 5 Stages

Stage 1 Denial
I think we covered that in the elaborate morning session I had where I tried my hardest to convince her, more so myself, that it wasn't true. The entire thing came as a shock to mi, I wasn't ready.

Stage 2 Anger
I'm mad at him. I'm mad at her. Then I'm mad at myself for feeling that way because it makes no sense. I'm mad at the unfair reality. I'm mad cause I know it is a world I have created myself. I'm mad cause I know its a self constructed trap I can't get out off. I'm mad because the founding emotion isn't even there this time. So there was no pleasant phase then despair. There was only numbness, then sudden slow, climaxing pain.

Stage 3 Bargaining
Not here yet, but I imagine this stage would/should be skipped entirely. There is nothing to bargain. There is nothing to negotiate. I know I would try to bargain with Ace, because that is how this drama always plays out. But it makes no sense because no one else exists in this fantasy nightmare, yet everyone has a part they unconsciously play. So bargaining we shall.

Stage 4 Depression
I imagine this is recurrent from Stage 1. I refuse to believe there is something worse than my current heart wrenching ache in store for mi. Maybe I can finally cry here. Maybe that's what sets this aside as a stage on its own.

Stage 5 Acceptance
The final stage where I return to the functioning china that is my norm. Seems a long way off since we are only in stage two. But then again, might progress faster the more torturous exposure I am dealt. One would think, from the way I am, that I have a masochistic streak in mi. Cause why else would I not try to at least separate myself from my nightmares? I always find a way to select the characters from such a tight knit circle around mi, that there is no option but to go through the motion and experience all 5 stages.

And yet I am even more disgusted because in view of all the problems people are facing in the world, this might sound like an annoying buzzing fly to someone else. So I keep it all to myself, place the perfect smile on my face, have the appropriate response ready and laugh when I need to. I can't let anyone in on this pathetic little nightmare I have myself trapped in.
Smiling through the tears that refuse to fall, I say adieu.
xo