Seductive Illusion

She sits and smiles at the clear blue skies,
In just a moment he would come by,
In just a moment she would look up and smile.
He holds out the flowers and box of chocolate,
Perfect date it seems, till she tries to receive,
and finds out when its too late.
The pictures crumble,
Her smile fumbles.
Suddenly the skies are not so blue,
His image no longer true.
The bell rings and she opens her eyes,
A tear rolls down as she remembers and cries.
Remembers once more her perfect world of lies.
Yet another flirty moment with a seductive illusion.

Reservoir Chronicles: Parallel Universe

Walking the same path,
Two lines they are.
Seeing the same things,
But at different times and different views.

Wanting the same things,
These lines I see,
Yet feeling so alone,
For the other just went by a second ahead.

You don't see the footprints in the sand, do you?
I ask one line.
Take a break from your run and pause, would you not?
I ask the second.
Yet to the finish they both run,
Only to get there alone and begin the journey back,
Alone once more.

Two lines they are,
Parallel yet of the same goal.
Both wishing to meet the other,
Both believing the other is fine alone.
Both being sadly wrong in their conclusions.

Two lines they are,
And like mi, lies are their favorite companions,
For they believe the other is happy,
And in the other's happiness, they would find theirs.
But in this triangle we know,
That is but an aged old maid's tale....

Would you slow down and watch the sun set with mi?
I ask one.
Would you slow down and watch the sun set with mi?
I ask the other.
And then I silently pray,
That they both heard 'sunset',
And they both make it to her slow descent,
So at some point in the sun's return,
The two universes would become one again.

Your Silence

Your silence is like a knife,
Slashing deeper and deeper as it extends.
Your voice is like a salty balm,
Painfully calming the wound the knife burned in,
Until the next season of ur 'silent' attack.
I wonder which she craves for more.

As painful as it sounds,
I understand that she cannot force upon you,
That which she still cannot accept herself.
Yet this realization hurts the more,
So she silently weeps.

Would you be so kind as to cut the link entirely,
So the wound may at least begin to heal?
Though I fear you are so oblivious
that you do not see the trail of destruction you leave in your wake.
I beg you, have pity.

Its not fair for mi to be mad at you.
Its not fair for her to be sad alone.
Thus I am for once grateful to fate.
For she has placed you and her oceans apart,
And soon she would no longer long for your voice.
For in her lonely sorrows,
She may become content in the knowledge that
Your silence is all that she can have.

Goodnight.

Japan 2010 Slide

Okay I know I have been really bad with communication and uploading pictures, and I truly am sorry for all that (lol) please forgive mi. Now that that is cleared, in the hope that this would atone for some of my sins, I have put together a short slide show of my stay in Japan so far. You know I do not do this....ever....so pls think about all the time and effort I put into this and do forgive okay? (Yes the last line was to someone in particular....><)

As much fun as I had putting this together, I figured you would know that mi writing the names of the people in the slides was as good as mi showing up at your door step right now, not gonna happen, sorry! But still, here is a little bit of what I have been doing in Japan so far. As for the others from this half, you would have to wait till I return :)

Enjoy the video and feel free to leave comments at the end, always welcome....

Fire

So because someone has now become an official Fcktard tonight, I have to sit here and count sheep or something through what is threatening to become a resumption of painful agony. The lighter wont work, and I sit here trying to breathe through all this, when it could have all been over ages ago with a quick match. And don't ask Mi why genius fcktard over here cannot ask someone, any freaking person here since this is smoke central, for a lighter because thats another book.

The depression would hit in the morning, and then I would have to baby sit. Which is another thing I blatantly would love to avoid. Why do I have to be the one with both the care and don't give a shit emotion when it comes to her? I wish she would just drop all....oh gosh, I wont be able to handle it if she cries. The damn would break and a nervous break down would be even closer....

Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....

If she had the balls, she would have started off with the one she all but stalks now, but lets face it, the rationalization that one must first love one's self in order to accept love or care from another was invented with her as the foundation. So that would not be happening for a while. And I know my current loathsome feeling is not helping the situation, but it cannot be helped.
I wanted it burned dammit!

But why won't it work? The more she tries, the closer the tears come and the more frustrated i get. It is glued shut, and without a clear reason for this, her frustration is unfathomable at the moment! Please help. I need fire tonight or there would be a different kind of burning, one that she, and maybe Mi, might not survive or recover from....

日本 + Arabian Nights + いもとうのふく + 6 inches=....

So I have been postponing this post for the better part of my stay thus far, maybe out of some wish for a divine understanding of the situation I am in now. But since the intervention has not come yet, I would go ahead and post.
I find the Japanese guys' costume (because that is what it is) nothing short of amazing! The boys have three main attires from what I can tell, and two of which are part of the subject of this monologue.

First off, the Younger sister collection.
When did it become generally acceptable for boys to wear very tight fitting capris, most tighter than any pair of pants I own!?! I was mostly alarmed when I realized it was more than a select few who chose this as the attire of the day. I have nothing against the Japanese fashion sense (I feel I should point this out before we go on), but dang those capris! I am sorry, but a guy in capris cannot really expect mi to take him all that seriously! Then the ones who decide to accessorize theirs with an assortment of pink belts, chains and stars, yet swear that they stick to clams are a very interesting bunch I must say. You know there is a problem when your boy friend's pants are not only tighter or just as fitting as yours, but are also more brightly colored than yours!
Note: There is nothing manly about wearing a pair of capris. There is nothing masculine about wearing a pair of brightly colored capris. It is most distracting....lol

Now we go to Arabian nights.
I must say, for something so out of the norm, these kids can pull it off! Sure they look like they are meant to star in Disney's Aladin, but do they pull them off. It looks pretty comfortable I must say, and would definitely not fair well worn in America, but they look perfect in them. lol.

Ah the blessed 6 inch heels.
I love heels. I have more heels than regular shoes, and more shoes than clothes, so believe mi when I say I love and have nothing against them. But there is nothing that would possess me to wear 6 inch heels to class on a daily basis! Aside from the fact that Carbondale's road does not provide room for such luxury, 12 hours in heels is not fun for anyone.
This is why I have to respect the Japanese girls, or at least the ones here for their tenacity! These babes rock heels, not lower than 4 inches, to class everyday. I stare at the shoes and I am like 'OMG that is gorgeous' but then I look at the sky and go 'Its freaking 12pm now, is she gonna be in that for the rest of the day?' But they rock it. At least some of them do. Some you feel the need to walk behind because you are sure she will fall over in the next minute, or you feel super sorry for because she looks like she is in pain.
But dang, the do have some very gorgeous very expensive shoes!

So now that I have come here and realized that the reality of my dream extended more than 2 months in Japan, I have of course, as we all know, began the process of a more extended stay. lol. Would let you know more about that in detail later.
Now off to study for my 単語と感じ quiz, as I continue to question myself and my sanity for this....lol.
Dang, do I love Japan!

P.O.D

There are very few fucking things I hate. So for you to do one of those and get mi this riled up, you know there is or has been a problem. For starters, let mi let you know that the concept of 'bros before hos' is such bs, it aint even funny. It is just as stupid as its reverse, 'hos before bros'. No one controls the heart, and those who try to do, end up being sadder and more stressed out that they need to be.

Why the freak do guys (most) feel the need to decide, on their own, what girls they would step aside from to let their 'bros' in on, and what girls work well either way? I mean I get the fact that there is a need to be considerate, but pls, we are not fucking toys or note books! We do have feelings, can decide for ourselves what we want, and damn well do not want to be tossed from one guy to another, fought over though we know not what about, or get our decisions made for us 'because we deserve better'. Really, listen when you are spoken to and life would be swell.

I am tired.
I am tired of her talking constantly in my head and driving mi crazy because she feels like she is being ignored. I am tired of him ignoring her and causing her to get mi this crazy. I am tired of having to feel gross and disgusted over and over because of her. And most especially, I am tired of the self-loathing. Really, she needs help, and I am tired of trying to give it to her. She needs help, and I am tired of trying to be the one without the psychology degree, trying to administer pshyc help nevertheless.

I am tired, so this is why I ask you for your help. She says she wants change, then force her to change. She says she wants something new, then force her to go for it. She says she wants him, then for fucks sake, make her try, just this once, to get him. Because I fear that soon my sanity would break. I fear that soon I would no longer be able to love her as I do now. I fear that soon I would hate her, and then in turn hate them, and thus in turn make this world a living hell for all of us.

So to make that not happen, I ask that you take care of her. Just this one time. Change her as she wants to be changed. Make her as she wants to be. Let her look in the mirror and see what you want her to see. Let her be who she wants to be. Idcare how much it costs, Idcare how much it would take, but I do care how long it would take. Let her get a change, before the end of the summer, to look in the mirror and really smile. To look in and decide that she truly does look good today. Not that her make up looks good enough to hide the other flaws, or everyone is too drunk to remember anything that happened, but that she would look in, see herself as she is or has become, and fall in love with that person, no matter what the reaction from others is about.

'We'll talk about it later!' Really mi dear, get some pussy and readjust your center of gravity. Switching sexes.... shit focus sometimes....lol

Dark Passenger

Last night he spoke,
the dark one. The single Passenger.
She tried not to listen to his words, but as the night drew on,
it got harder and harder.

Last night he called,
And she found it harder to resist.
The end looked even more gorgeous and she wanted to go.
Beauty seemed to reside there alone.

Last night her heart, if it doth still exist, bled.
She bled for that which she wanted.
Did not know she wanted till it was gone,
Did not know she wanted till she lost it.

Last night he yelled,
and she partly complied.
She wanted to do as he said, because it seemed like it would be better.
She wanted to do as he said because it seemed freer.

He was taken from her even before reality set in,
He was taken from her even before her heart could return,
And that which took him from her is sadly one of her own.
Lost in this maze, she is.

Let her out.
She does not want to want him if she cannot have him.
Let her out.
She does not want to hate if there is no need for it.
Let her out.

So now she shall sit, in disgust with herself.
Now she sits, wondering when the next breakdown shall hold.
Now she shall sit, knowing he, she cannot and probably will never have,
Now she shall sit knowing he was kinda into her.
As a voice she would be perfect,
As a sign, she would be perfect.
So is her dilemma, so is her sight, so is her fate.

But tonight once more she worn.
Tonight once more, the dark passenger has receded.
Tonight once more, her chains are freer, her cage wider.
Tonight once more, she lives.

Them and I

Its almost 3am here in Japan and once again, I can't sleep. No news here.
I just started the series Dexter this week and finished Season 1 today, and I think it might be best for mi to take a break from the show. But we all know that's not going to happen.
I live for this. lol.
But then it occurred to mi why I cannot always immediately identify with the victims when I read of a murder, especially serial killer case, and why I did not do so well on my Victimology class.

I sympathize with the killers.
No, before you ask, I do not agree that murder in any form is good. But I find myself drawn to their story. I want to know why they kill, what pushed them to it, what could have been stopped in the beginning to prevent them from having what we 'regular' people have dubbed a 'normal life', and have perfected the act of faking.
When Dexter killed the last victim in season 1, I felt the loss. It is so strange how I felt my emotions change even as I knew that the death was approaching. For those who watch Dexter, you would understand why this doesn't entirely fall under victimology. At least in my logic.

If only Harry had made a better decision, who knew what difference that would have made. But then without Harry's personal input, I would not have a show.
I guess its safe to fall back on the all too popular saying, 'everything happens for a reason'. But you have to wonder, what sort of divinity is this Fate people blame for all, if it allows a child to be abandoned after watching murders, knowing fully well that that would bring about a serial killer in the future? Yes there is the claim that there is a need to balance the universe, a need for a balance of life and death, and that serial killers, as well as other killers, in their own bizarre and sometimes gruesome way, help fulfill this cause. But is there really no other way for the cause to be fulfilled than this? To doom one to die and the other to take the life, thereby dooming them both?

They say when you take a life, you give up a piece of your soul. Its the law of equivalence. But when you take a life, you release a soul. How is that a balance? A soul is out, and a piece of yours leaves. Everything that has a beginning has an end. One has to wonder, what happens when the last piece of your soul leaves? Does the balance not now shift, now that your soul, which giveth and taketh from the universe, has now given all of itself, but taken nothing in exchange?

I sit here and wonder about all these things. Criminology and Victimology all have the same foundation according to people: To help the victims. But I think people forget a fundamental difference between the two. While the victims in Victimology are in fact those who are hurt or those who loose the hurt, the victims in criminology are truly those who do the hurting. They are victims either to society, to law, to their health or to something Fate has whipped out of her own hat for the sake of balance.
This is why I do not hold fate responsible for the balance in my life. For if that's the case, then when do I know she needs mi as the next exchange for balance?

The Breakdown: Confrontation

She woke up drenched with sweat, the pain in her chest almost unbearable. There was nothing in the room as usual, but still she looked around. The clock said 3.00am, but she was sure that had to be wrong. Because if it was right, then it meant she had only managed to sleep for thirty minutes. Thirty damn minutes! A month ago, if only, her most detested phrase, would never have been her sing song. A month ago, she would never have guessed that there was a possibility for a still heart to have a wound carved in that hurts even when it refuses to beat. A month ago, she would never have watched her (http://mi-herownworld.blogspot.com/2010/05/shattering-dreams.html).
She lay back on the bed, wondering what she was to do next. Sleep was definitely not forth coming as she had now come to find out, and her thoughts needed to be kept at bay, as they always led to destruction, not a good thing for her in case one was wondering. She glanced at the study table looking at the pile of books she was meant to have read. Suddenly a train passed by breaking the almost deafening silence, and though the sudden sound was startling, she found herself missing it as it faded. The silence seemed to reecho, and with it, others seemed to wake (http://mi-herownworld.blogspot.com/2010/05/things-she-fears.html).
Her most dreaded dream came back to haunt her, and this sleep she knew she would be forced to ride out. She sat in the big room amongst others, all awaiting the same thing. Except with her, she felt those who had come to wait on her were expecting more. What a scary predicament she was in. on the one hand, her self-loathe and definite disappointment she seemed well enough to handle. Years of experience had thought her so. But on the other hand, theirs she was not sure she could take on. Suddenly her name was called, and the others seemed to fade away. She was alone, about to face a crowd of expectations and long lost dreams (http://mi-herownworld.blogspot.com/2010/05/blank-pages.html).
Day is here at last, and her sentence to hell has come to a pause. She gets up, showers and dresses. She puts on the appropriate amount of makeup, not too much to draw the attention, but just enough to cover the scars. The smile is turned on and the eyes begin to twinkle. She turns off the house lights, walks out the house and says a bright hello to all that pass her by (http://mi-herownworld.blogspot.com/2010/05/who-would-believe.html).
So now that you have heard her tale, write her a bed time story to help her day. One that rhymes and brings a real smile to her lips. Not the one she currently owns, that she gets for free, but one she can have and hold. If you do decide to take on this mission, click below and send the tale with the name you wish to be addressed by:
tiazmi@gmail.com

Then refresh the tales in 30 mins (for thats how long she has to sleep), and watch the smile you have given her unfold....
She lives to love, she loves to live, she lies to love, she lies to live….