Quite a Level.

Irritated, pissed off, angry....a few words to describe my current emotional state. All masking the hurt I'm meant to be feeling I'm sure. I'm shaking, that's quite a level.
I really want to yell at something or someone right now. Or hit things....
Figured the entire thing out, and in the end, I'm annoyed. I guess that's better than depressed. I know for a fact I'm not annoyed at myself which is also a good thing. I think I'm also disappointed a bit. I should stop saying I have '3' friends cause clearly, I'm the only one thinking in that direction. Which is....mmmm....cannot describe the feeling in words.
Interesting.
These past few days have been an emotional up and down, and right now I'm at the point where IDGF anymore. I'm annoyed I was so affected I almost lost my head and let myself sink into some annoying sad zone. Now, I'm just done.
Stalking people, begging to be friends, etc., is a chore I gave up years ago. It's exhausting and brings about self-harm and  I don't want anymore of that.

Off to do something for mi cause that's all that matters right now.

No Words....

How I wish the non-existing conversation would go:

You: Are you upset??

Mi: Yes. But I'm more upset because I texhnicay can't say it's all your fault. 

You: Sorry this happened. 

Mi: It's fine....

Basically an acknowledgement would have been all I needed. 

Idk maybe I'm more sensitive to this entire affair cause I'm stressed and this was super close to the brim - right before 'my cup runneth over'. I mean I know it's bad when the thought of ice cream makes things worse not better. I'm afraid this might make mi act weird when I know I shouldn't. It's too soon, not that serious and leads to unnecessary awkwardness. 

I know. 

I get that in my head. 

Argh. 

I think I need to de stress from school. Though I can only see a mounting frustration in the coming weeks then an explosion. 

There is of course also that Dev psyc fear at the back of my head. That's always fun. 

I want to vent. But I don't know how, where, to whom or what to say. The pots at that annoying phase where it's not boiled but boiled at the same time....

 

Weeping

Weeping. 

I saw a video today that made me want to weep for my country. It was an 8 min or so video of Boko Harem members slaughtering 5 soldiers. They held the men down like chickens, and used a semi-blunt machete to decapitate them on camera, while chanting in Arabic. I couldn't watch pass the first man. What demons would have to posses you to reach that level of wickedness??

 I'm not sure if I should pray for mercy, forgiveness, saving or revenge. I had a mind to hate, but the thought that Jesus forgave/forgives all came to me. If we are called to be like Him, then....so what is the right prayer?? 

Father deliver us from evil. Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Father accept the souls of your children and grant them eternal rest. Father protect us and hide us in you. 

This is not the country I know and grew up in. We had our faults, but at least I could say terrorism was not one if them. Now however, all I can do is weep. 

Mad at it All.

I'm tired of shedding tears.
I'm tired of writing tributes.
More so, I am sick and tired of doing both for people so young.
A parent shouldn't have to bury his or her child, neither should a child have to bury his or her parent without the grandchild by the side. God's promise says we would live to see our children's children.

I'm tired of hearing of cancer.
I'm tired of hearing of how lives so precious, so promising, are cut short as a result of it.
Coming without notice. Causing pain, grief and harm; giving a false hope of recovery, then snatching the hope and replacing it with a gut-wrenching agony.

I'm tired of the dread.
I'm tired of hearing a friend/school mate has 'the virus', then round of 50/50 that follows.
I'm tired of hoping, praying, wishing and stressing, while a terrifying shadow of the grim reaper hunts my view.
With no preventive recipe and no full proof treatment, its a fight between the devil and the deep blue sea, both one and the same, with only a faint distant ray of help.

Its not a person so one cannot hate it.
Its not a person so one cannot yell at it.
Its not a person so one cannot call a jury, find guilty and pass judgment upon it.

I guess I'm just tired today. Maybe because I just wrote two tributes to a very promising life cut short. Maybe because its the third time in less than 3 years. Maybe because I'm in the mood to dwell on the fact that life is such an unfair little b at times.

In the morning I'd feel better. In the morning I'd hope and pray again, because there is really nothing else to do.
For now, I am tired. So I'd just sit here and cry myself to sleep.

xo
 

This is Mi.

Today, I said no to my fling.
I called him over, drunk as hell, and with all intentions to do all shinanigans with him tonight. But then when he came over and we started talking, I realized a few things. 
One thing I realized was I din't want to be that girl. He is back with his girlfriend, and I realized I didn't want to be that girl who slept with the boyfriend of another girl. I realized I didn't want to be the girl he cheated on his girlfriend with. I know how that feels in a sense, and its not a positive ''I want to feel it too" feeling I can tell you that. 
Another thing I also realized is that I have a princess complex. I want to be treated like a princess. I want to be special. I want to be unique. I don't want a guy to come over to have anything to do with mi just because he is horny and needs to get it down - am not the whore queen, I want a guy to come over because he wants mi for mi. 
While this might be something obvious to most, it is actually a new discovery for mi. I have never really liked myself as most can tell. I live within the realms of "'I aint good enough for a lot of things". But at the same time, I realized I really do think of myself in a more positive sense than I thought I did. Even when I am drunk, which I am trying to recover from now. 
I just sent a guy home tonight, a guy I totally want to do in all manner of ways, and I should have done in my currently intoxicated state without question. The only problems he had were two things: he said he had a girlfriend, and he also said he came to mi tonight cause he felt I wanted/needed something from him.
He was wrong in one aspect.
I do want something from him, but I do not need that thing from him. 
I am happy and sad at the moment. Sad because I did not get to fulfill my wonderful desire to be with him. But happy because I know I would wake up tomorrow, look in the mirror and still be able to say to myself and my reflection "This is Mi".
I am a proud mofo and for the first time, I acknowledge and appreciate that fact.  I am too wonderfully and perfectly made to be some guys jerk off barbie. 


Funny thing is, I am still not sober yet. But I will not be sleeping or doing anything with anyone tonight, and the only guilty feeling I will be waking up with, will be of the reversible kind. 
If I aint special to you, we aint gonna be doing shit.


Case closed.

So like Mi

I wish to yell, scream, curse, be blunt and be so....
unladylike.
I wish to jump, smirk, hiss, not give a shit and be so...
unladylike.
I wish to hit, scratch, bite, cause damage and be so....
unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.


I wish to be British polite, without the bashfulness of the Japanese,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to be rude when necessary and blunt with the devil's smile,
and be so....unladylike..
I wish to tell you all i feel, not caring as tears run down if they do,
and be so....unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches, letters and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.


I wish to show when I care, if ever, and when I don't care plainly,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to say what I want to whomever as before, accepting that it might be the end,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to smile at all times, and not discriminate among who I smile with a dagger to,
and be so....unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches, letters and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.

Resevoir Chronicles: "Thats who I am"

I close my eyes and I see your tears,
I close my eyes and I see your smile,
I close my eyes and I see you saying goodbye,
I close my eyes, and all I see is you.

I am aware of how you feel,
I am aware of how you think,
I am aware of how you are,
I am aware I dont comprehend the logic behind it all.

You always say whats on your mind,
You always say how you feel,
You always do as you please,
You always....its always about you.

You say you are listening,
You say you do understand,
You say you know what I am talking about,
You say a lot of things you don't mean.

Deciding when to come, you came.
Deciding when to leave, you left.
Deciding we be intimate, it did not matter.
Deciding all this, you did alone, we have/had no say.

Deciding the story, you make the play.
Deciding the characters, you act the part.
Deciding the ending, you take the bow.
Deciding the audience....wait, where do we come in??

Can I say....

'That's enough' is your standard response,
Who would have guessed it was never words alone?
I have been running in circles,
Am calling it quits now. Taking a rest.

'Thats my best friend' you say a lot.
Who can believe when it's always a lie.
I am tired of begging, talking, this circular journey.
Am finaly giving you your wish, I'll tell you good bye....

I wish I could say....

"That's who I am"

Venus and Mars, and all Hell in between....

I. Am. Really. Tired.
This close to throwing in the towel and saying screw it. I haven't had this much drama in my life in such a long time, and worse still, I haven't had this much drama that I am 'unrelated' to half of in as long as I can remember, and besides stressing mi out, it is really really starting to get on my nerves. You know the five stages of grieve thing - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance?? Well I think I went through the first in seconds cause I was beyond shocked and all when I first heard, and then skipped to the fourth. I was stuck there for a little bit, but I think I am now back on track at the second.
Boys are devinately from mars, women from venus, and parents are from the now un-planeted planet, pluto. Mi, I am from the planet Zowrocks, so thats mainly why I cannot understand any of them.
In the first place, why people bother to have so many complicated emotions about life, whcih by the way is so fleeting, is beyond mi. Why can't they all just decide that life is short and so lets have fun, rather than having to include useless emotions such as the all time favorite 'falling in love'. Come on!!
Ok yes, I would admit that there are those who, visual only, seem to have mastered this act and are perfectly fine with that inclusing. And I am not saying it is bad, I guess not entirely. But if it causes so much sadness and pain, at least get the sense to know that maybe you havent mastered it, and now would be a good time to quit for a while. Get some fun.
As for the parents, really stressing over 'whats my child gonna become' is way too much stressing. And yes, I am probably talking cause I don't have kids, but I think if one is more free spirited, and trusting, life would fall into place. I am not saying wash your hands off the little brats, cause then they turn into monsters and all hell breaks loose, but I think trusting their choices once in a while wouldn't be so bad.
And as for the female race....If God had not had such a sense of humor, I think it would have been easier if men and women had the same brains. That way, things would not have to be so dang on complicated, and people would be able to have smoother and easier conversations. But he does have one. A sense of humor I mean. So here we are, stuck with two different languages. Tower of Babel all over a gain. Except here there are ony two groups, trying to hold a conversation in two different languages....Sigh.
Ok back to my dang research papper....don't even get mi started on where I think Professors are from, and what I feel is the just thing to do to that planet....don't

Fire

So because someone has now become an official Fcktard tonight, I have to sit here and count sheep or something through what is threatening to become a resumption of painful agony. The lighter wont work, and I sit here trying to breathe through all this, when it could have all been over ages ago with a quick match. And don't ask Mi why genius fcktard over here cannot ask someone, any freaking person here since this is smoke central, for a lighter because thats another book.

The depression would hit in the morning, and then I would have to baby sit. Which is another thing I blatantly would love to avoid. Why do I have to be the one with both the care and don't give a shit emotion when it comes to her? I wish she would just drop all....oh gosh, I wont be able to handle it if she cries. The damn would break and a nervous break down would be even closer....

Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....

If she had the balls, she would have started off with the one she all but stalks now, but lets face it, the rationalization that one must first love one's self in order to accept love or care from another was invented with her as the foundation. So that would not be happening for a while. And I know my current loathsome feeling is not helping the situation, but it cannot be helped.
I wanted it burned dammit!

But why won't it work? The more she tries, the closer the tears come and the more frustrated i get. It is glued shut, and without a clear reason for this, her frustration is unfathomable at the moment! Please help. I need fire tonight or there would be a different kind of burning, one that she, and maybe Mi, might not survive or recover from....

P.O.D

There are very few fucking things I hate. So for you to do one of those and get mi this riled up, you know there is or has been a problem. For starters, let mi let you know that the concept of 'bros before hos' is such bs, it aint even funny. It is just as stupid as its reverse, 'hos before bros'. No one controls the heart, and those who try to do, end up being sadder and more stressed out that they need to be.

Why the freak do guys (most) feel the need to decide, on their own, what girls they would step aside from to let their 'bros' in on, and what girls work well either way? I mean I get the fact that there is a need to be considerate, but pls, we are not fucking toys or note books! We do have feelings, can decide for ourselves what we want, and damn well do not want to be tossed from one guy to another, fought over though we know not what about, or get our decisions made for us 'because we deserve better'. Really, listen when you are spoken to and life would be swell.

I am tired.
I am tired of her talking constantly in my head and driving mi crazy because she feels like she is being ignored. I am tired of him ignoring her and causing her to get mi this crazy. I am tired of having to feel gross and disgusted over and over because of her. And most especially, I am tired of the self-loathing. Really, she needs help, and I am tired of trying to give it to her. She needs help, and I am tired of trying to be the one without the psychology degree, trying to administer pshyc help nevertheless.

I am tired, so this is why I ask you for your help. She says she wants change, then force her to change. She says she wants something new, then force her to go for it. She says she wants him, then for fucks sake, make her try, just this once, to get him. Because I fear that soon my sanity would break. I fear that soon I would no longer be able to love her as I do now. I fear that soon I would hate her, and then in turn hate them, and thus in turn make this world a living hell for all of us.

So to make that not happen, I ask that you take care of her. Just this one time. Change her as she wants to be changed. Make her as she wants to be. Let her look in the mirror and see what you want her to see. Let her be who she wants to be. Idcare how much it costs, Idcare how much it would take, but I do care how long it would take. Let her get a change, before the end of the summer, to look in the mirror and really smile. To look in and decide that she truly does look good today. Not that her make up looks good enough to hide the other flaws, or everyone is too drunk to remember anything that happened, but that she would look in, see herself as she is or has become, and fall in love with that person, no matter what the reaction from others is about.

'We'll talk about it later!' Really mi dear, get some pussy and readjust your center of gravity. Switching sexes.... shit focus sometimes....lol

Spoiler: A Million Stars Falling from the sky...

Oh for fuck's sake, can all movies/series/anime/manga sites be made to have a category called 'tragedy', so I don't have to waste my life watching something that would end with a Romeo and Juliet theme or one left in the world????
My friends say I get too involved in my movies and all that...the problem is my life is already a fantasy and I like to keep it that way. So anything that is 'happily-ever-after' oriented is welcomed in. I have made it a personal decision to stay away from anything that brings reality too close. That is why tragedies, which are based on the sad aspects of life, are a no go.
Why the rant?
I just watched a Japanese series called "A million stars falling from the sky". Imagine my almost heart attack when I found out, by accident, during a search for a part of episode 8, that it was a tragic ending that awaited me!?!?!
I mean from the way it was going originally, I figured it would be a "Death Note" deal you know? The bad guy gets caught in the end, bla, bla, bla...but seriously, what the fuck was up with that ending!?! By the end of episode 7, I had the entire story figured out and I was like "Fuck my life..." I have a problem see, when I start something, I have to finish it. If I don't finish it, I get uncomfortable, get a migraine, get itchy...almost like an allergic reaction. So yeah, I have to finish it. In summary, I watched the story knowing fully well what would happen at the end.
But it wasn't all bad though. Oh no...at least it was the best solution among all the many dandy choices tragedy gives. Yes, yes...they both died. If that girl, who decided to stop thinking as soon as she finally got the boy, had not shot herself after killing the reason I was watching that series to begin with, then I would not have forgiven her!
If it isn't clear, yes I do blame her for what happened...at least most of it. (Of course if that baka of a Kan-chan had told us from the beginning she was that man's kid, life would have been easier). But back to the girl.
You cannot coax a caged heart into trusting you and coming out, just to let it fly beside you solo! She said it herself, he had forgotten how to fly, so why, oh why would she expect him to be able to fly on his own just cause his heart was out of the cage???
I know this cause...
I mean all she had to do was ask ne? Talk to him like she used to... and what happened to all that bs about believing in him, protecting his heart, and etc....in the end, as soon as she heard from that busy body of an おばばあちゃん, Kotoko-chan that, of course all this info was hear-say from yours trully's imagination, that her brother - fake - had killed her lover - real brother-'s father, she flipped and decided the one she wanted to protect in the end was not the one she claimed originally!
And why the hell did she pull the trigger!?!? He was fucking shedding tears for crying out loud! Stop and think...when has Ryo EVER cried before!?!?! She had literary never seen this boy cry! Yet when she was before him, crying out accusations and making declarations about protecting her 'brother', and he began to cry, she who for 10 episodes had been the master at reading his true thoughts and getting what he really wanted to say, suddenly went dumb and did not understand what now became too clear it was almost stupid!!!
Oh but of course our little princess could not have done it all alone. Oh now. Ryo, that bastard who could not decide if he wanted to be good or bad, just had to become human, and the worst kind, at the end. Self-sacrifice for crying out loud! How could he decide that that was the best option!?!? I really don't know which of the idiot siblings pissed me off the most!
Really, as the saying goes, the truth shall set you free...
It's been a while since I have had such an intrusion and been this pissed! I have now succeeded in giving myself a migraine as well...
も　いい　です!　おやすみ！