First Step.

I'm not numb.
Sometimes I think I'm angry.
Other times I think I'm sad.
Most times, I'm afraid to think about how I feel because I don't know....
When you are mad, you yell at someone.
When you are sad, you cry or let it out at someone.
But if you don't let yourself feel these things in relation to a person out of fear,
thinking about it, thats unfair to the person.
So you are both wrong.
Making someone how to prove the existence of your relationship to you, out of fear,
That's exhausting and also unfair.
I started this off thinking I don't want to feel or face how I feel because I'm afraid.
The old mi would have stopped there.
But now, I'm putting myself in the other person's shoes.
if someone I think I'm close with constantly doubts that and wants proof, how will I feel??
Shitty is the answer.
So, in this case, we are both wrong.
One wrong for breaking the other's trust.
The other wrong for not facing how she feels about the trust-breakage completely.
Acknowledging is the first step, now on to the next.

xo

Mi

Calm Waters Again

I can honestly say it has been a while since I have had a month or period as turbulent as this. I am also honestly glad the storm has come and gone. I felt the love of God through it all. And I felt the importance of friends and my best friend as well.
I don't think I've prayed....more like begged God as much as I did in the last week. My friend saw mi today and said 'that's the calmest I've seen you in a week'. lol.
For those who have been following and wondering what the heck has been going on, I'd try to give a brief summary.
Being the over zealous introvert that I am, I over exerted my energy supply and introverty self and over socialized. Without a way of recharging, I was left mentally weak and vulnerable to my thoughts - a very bad place to be in. I began over thinking and analyzing relationships, and without the chance to step back like I usually do, and assess things from an objective point, I succeeded in opening up a number of pandora boxes filled with old wounds. Needless to say, it became a speedy spiral down from there.
I knew I was falling, and I knew I was getting out of control. But there was so much going on through my mind that I couldn't find anything to grasp on to and try to solve logically and practically. And the more I spiraled, the more boxes opened and the weaker I got. Till eventually, I shut down and tried to become robotic and doll like, so I didn't have to feel as much. It got mi out of bed and moving, but not much else. At night I cried and prayed, in the day I feigned.
I finally talked to my best friend. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who knew the history behind the content of those boxes, and did not need mi to explain anything because I was not in a frame of mind that could explain. She was able to sort out the box for mi, and then she pointed out a practical aspect of the mess I could solve. This way, my focus was redirected from all the chaos in my mind, and I was able to focus on the problem I could fix or find a solution to in the moment - which has been my functioning strategy all this while. With my focus redirected, I was able to close the boxes, regain control of my thoughts and free myself from the fall.
I choose to believe this was God's way of helping mi identify the issues that I have been avoiding, but then Him also putting them all back in their boxes because He knows what I can handle and when - He never gives us more than we can handle. He saw that I was only strong enough to identify the problems at this time, but trying to work at it all or loosing my sense of practicality was not the thing to do in the moment. And so he brought her to help and used her to save mi from myself in answers to my prayer.
What next??
We agreed that yes it was time for mi to see what was in some of those boxes, but not time for mi to be shattered and remolded. It has been a scary and stressful few weeks. I wrestled with myself and almost lost. I understand that I would eventually have to face my daemons, but I do also understand that when I do, it would not be all at once and I would never be alone. At the very least, He will be with mi, and so would she. Thats more comfort that anything.
I am still being cautious, understanding that I am still in a vulnerable state. But I recognize that life is back in mi and the doll is gone. I am grateful for the cleared fog.
xo