Still Storms

What moves you?

The sound of life being resorted,

The breath of heaven in the trees. 

The look of freedom in the eyes of a captive who finds freedom??

What moves you?

The overflowing love He shows that orphan child that man tried to deny love,

The fierce protective force that sweeps away persecutors of His children,

The overwhelming desire to please Him that chokes you??

What moves you? 

....Lead Mi To The Cross....

I want to come to a place where He is my best friend. My go to. My source or solace. My rock. The one I turn to in distress, in times of need, in fear, in joy, in laughter, in pain, in all things. 

I want to come to a place where His voice is what I hear before I make a decision in life, major or minor. Before I take a step, life changing or no. Before I do anything. 

I want to come to a place where I know Him, and still desire to know him more. Where I long to read His word. Where I thirst and hunger to commune with him and dwell in his presence. 

I want to come to a place where I can call him Father and truly see His work as my heavenly Father in mi. Where I know He will guide my path in love, and I know and am willing to let him. 

I want to come to a place where I believe that His thoughts and plans towards mi are for good and not for evil, to bring mi to an expected end. Where I understand these words. Where I am able to honestly believe and let go with faith. 

I want to come to a place where I can honestly stand proud and call myself his child, without the lingering feeling of guilt and shame. Where I can have an answer to the statement, 'tell me your testimony....'

Calm Waters Again

I can honestly say it has been a while since I have had a month or period as turbulent as this. I am also honestly glad the storm has come and gone. I felt the love of God through it all. And I felt the importance of friends and my best friend as well.
I don't think I've prayed....more like begged God as much as I did in the last week. My friend saw mi today and said 'that's the calmest I've seen you in a week'. lol.
For those who have been following and wondering what the heck has been going on, I'd try to give a brief summary.
Being the over zealous introvert that I am, I over exerted my energy supply and introverty self and over socialized. Without a way of recharging, I was left mentally weak and vulnerable to my thoughts - a very bad place to be in. I began over thinking and analyzing relationships, and without the chance to step back like I usually do, and assess things from an objective point, I succeeded in opening up a number of pandora boxes filled with old wounds. Needless to say, it became a speedy spiral down from there.
I knew I was falling, and I knew I was getting out of control. But there was so much going on through my mind that I couldn't find anything to grasp on to and try to solve logically and practically. And the more I spiraled, the more boxes opened and the weaker I got. Till eventually, I shut down and tried to become robotic and doll like, so I didn't have to feel as much. It got mi out of bed and moving, but not much else. At night I cried and prayed, in the day I feigned.
I finally talked to my best friend. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who knew the history behind the content of those boxes, and did not need mi to explain anything because I was not in a frame of mind that could explain. She was able to sort out the box for mi, and then she pointed out a practical aspect of the mess I could solve. This way, my focus was redirected from all the chaos in my mind, and I was able to focus on the problem I could fix or find a solution to in the moment - which has been my functioning strategy all this while. With my focus redirected, I was able to close the boxes, regain control of my thoughts and free myself from the fall.
I choose to believe this was God's way of helping mi identify the issues that I have been avoiding, but then Him also putting them all back in their boxes because He knows what I can handle and when - He never gives us more than we can handle. He saw that I was only strong enough to identify the problems at this time, but trying to work at it all or loosing my sense of practicality was not the thing to do in the moment. And so he brought her to help and used her to save mi from myself in answers to my prayer.
What next??
We agreed that yes it was time for mi to see what was in some of those boxes, but not time for mi to be shattered and remolded. It has been a scary and stressful few weeks. I wrestled with myself and almost lost. I understand that I would eventually have to face my daemons, but I do also understand that when I do, it would not be all at once and I would never be alone. At the very least, He will be with mi, and so would she. Thats more comfort that anything.
I am still being cautious, understanding that I am still in a vulnerable state. But I recognize that life is back in mi and the doll is gone. I am grateful for the cleared fog.
xo