Hellos and Goodbyes

Chances are you're never gonna read this, which is fine. Probably why I'm writing this. There are two 'yous' in this equation, but I'm too lazy to do more than one post. Of not enough for two so I'll make this one long enough. 

To the first you,

I love you. Way more than I need to or than for my own good. But I do. It's the kind of love reserved for family. Where no matter what happens, no matter what goes wrong, blood (or in this case bond) makes us inseparable. This means I am more likely to get hurt. Why?? Because you having the same level of emotion for mi is doubtful. This means I want to hurt you sometimes like you hurt mi, just to see how you react. But aside from the fact that I am not wired that way, I think I will be more hurt than you will ever be. But maybe that's just my insecurities talking. 

To the other you,

I haven't known you well enough for you to do this to mi, but yet here we are. The last time I was here didn't end well, so this time, there are only two possible reactions. If we were closer, I will be more terrified because the situation will be mi holding my breath for fear of your eminent departure or demise. But we aren't. It's evil that you think it's okay to treat mi this way just because you feel like it. It's sad that you don't care enough to even bother to tell mi what's wrong. It's annoying that you think you matter enough to get away with all this. But I'm too tired to spend my time giving a shit about every Tom, Dick, Harry and Clare. If I did I know, from experience, that's a shitty life. So we are done. 

I want to be happy. I need to be happy. 

xo

Mi

Pick Your Poison

We all have one, the best way to live is to aknowledge that you do have one. It's easier when it's a substance, harder when it's human. Humans are unpredictable. Humans are annoying. Humans are emotional. Humans are a handful.

I don't like the roulette it seems humans require when it comes to emotions. I don't like the fact that you get addicted to having one around even when they become toxic for you. 

It's easier to kick a habit when there are more negatives you can tell yourself of than good. It's harder when the habit lives and breathes. 

I hate my habits. 

I hate them because I am that addict that gets overly addicted. 

I can't quit no matter how I try.
And the worst part is, the addiction isn't addicted too.

Reset

For a while now I've been playing the blame game,
Shifting it far away from myself.
For a while now I've said so many things,
A lot of which I know are hurtful.
It's easier to be mad,
Yet petty and immature.
It's easier to be the one doing the hurting,
But not a fun reputation to have.

So I will start by saying I'm sorry.
I'll say let's call a truce,
Though I think the only one fighting was mi.
I'll like to say this will be easy,
But I know better than that.
So I will start by saying I'm sorry,
And I promise to be better.

'If you can't say something positive, don't say anything'.
I guess the first step for now is keeping silent.
I don't like this place mostly for what it makes mi,
But I'm no longer willing to give up the old mi if this is the new version.
Cynical, bitter, sad, depressive, complainer....
Not adjectives I enjoy being associated with mi.

So for now,
I'll start with an I'm sorry.
Somewhere along the line, maybe I'll say this face to face.
Or I might be too cowardly to do that ever.
But mum's the word where you're concerned.
HAGL.

xo

Friendship: Need versus Want.

Your friends are not necessarily those you say hi to everyday. 

Those you don't say hi to everyday not not friends. 

Want versus need. 

Are friends those you need in your life or those you want in your life?? 

Which is healthier or better?? Or are they on the same spectrum just at different ends?? 

I have friends I think I need. It hurts when it doesn't feel reciprocated. 

I have friends I think I want. It hurts when it doesn't feel reciprocated. 

So if you need but are not needed but wanted. If you want but aren't wanted but needed. Does it hurt less than when you are just not needed or wanted period?? 

I really want someone to explain how friendship on this side works. 

Games, Games 😘😘

I think it's hilarious that I created a game I am 100% uncomfortable playing. 

I made a game called questions, which are 150 questions you ask people over drinks and time. There are a number or sexual and personal questions. More things I'm curious about regarding others, not so much what I can respond to. Mostly cause I'm quite the coward. And I end up judging myself for whatever I say. 

But I like this kind of high (how I currently feel). Wine makes mi tipsy, but not the type of tipsy that stops my impulse control (like other drinks), and leads to self hate. 

I also really like my cohort. A certain group. And I wish I was less awkward (at least in my head). 

Happy day light savings kids. Church in 5hrs, quite doubtful considering the time but I'll try.

 🙈🙉🙊

xo

Mi

Petty Still or Growing up??

One thing I've come to realize about myself over the years is that when I have a three way friendship, I tend to get jealous if the other two appear to be getting closer to each other and I'm 'left out'. Then I inevitably begin distancing myself from them (of course they get closer), and then I become less of a part of the 'three way' and then I'm out. 

Presently, I have found myself in a similar situation. At first, I was jealous as always. Or at least I thought I was. But the curious thing is after thinking about the situation, I was actually sad as opposed to jealous. Which was an interesting discovery, as it is uncharacteristic of mi to feel that way. I talked to one part of the other two, simply catching up, and an even more curious thing occurred. I was/am genuinely happy they are getting closer. Though I do realize and am sad about the fact that I am getting left out, it's not jealously or sulky like before. 

The quarter system at school makes time seem to fly by very quickly, while appearing to be longer than it really is. So while two weeks might have passed in the blink of an eye for instance, it will feel like a month because of all the activities packed into it. This makes not talking to someone for a week seem like longer and can make the parties feel a lot more distant, as a lot can happen in that time. So while I realize it has only been a few weeks of distance, I am able to recognize that this feels worse because of the system. 

In the past, such a realization would have been impossible; and in the off chance that I made it, would not have mattered in terms of affecting how I feel. But I am still sad about missing out and not talking to the other parties as much and not being a part of the 'in-group', and having to accept that I won't be the closest to either party. Though I understand that that's a little ironic coming from someone who allows others to get a little close but never gets close herself.

I do miss them, though there isn't much I can actively do in the moment to change that. 

I wonder what would happen if either party ran across ris blog/post. Will they know?? How will they react?? 

I wonder now, do all these feeling make mi petty still, or am I growing up??

Everything and Nothing.

I don't understand why this feeling keeps coming back. Overwhelmed. Trapped. Drowning. Alone. I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy. I'm constantly tired. The thought of everything exhausts mi. I have to face it all alone, and the idea is daunting and exhausting. I'm constantly irritated by people around mi. Not for nothing, but at the same time, not for reasons I would have been so gravely offended by in the past. The stress inducer is the idea that I am alone.
I feel friendless.
Which is an odd thing to say, considering the fact that I am constantly around people daily. On the weekends, I'm by myself. Mostly by choice because the only people I know, are the people I see every other day. It is most straining to have the same population of about 50 individuals to make friends, acquaintances, classmates, confidants, etc. It is also harder when it appears that you alone have that set pool. Everyone else has a much broader pool, as should be the case, and thus, would be with a different group of people on the weekend - breathe of fresh air. Bearing that in mind, I cannot, in good sense, call or text anyone to do anything over the weekend (adding the fact that I have next to nothing in common with 95% of said population).
Then home is a prison cell. Living with one of said 50, but under rules designated by someone else. I can't be myself in public because (given my field and location) I have to be politically correct, keep up an appearance, etc. I can't be myself at home for the same reasons, and I am even more uncomfortable with the person due to mixed emotions about said being.
Trapped.
Everywhere I go, it feels like I'm just running around inside a maze, inside a cage.
Tired.
Running around with no end in sight and no help in perspective is exhausting.
I just want to sleep and forget it all. Every time. Which gets mi in trouble cause I end up falling asleep in class. Plus sleeping at night is even more exhausting. I fall unconscious and then I am conscious. There is no rest, no recuperation, none of the characteristics of sleep. The longer I sleep, the more exhausted I become. So 4hrs a night allows mi to concentrate at least through one class, versus 6+ and I struggle with sleep in every class I go to.
Alone. Friendless.
When I think about it, I never really learned to make friends. After the 'ordeal', I made friends vicariously through my best friend. Her friends were my friends. She had vetted them as okay to be friends with, I didn't have to introduce myself/do any ice breakers, and I was accepted because I was her friend. Made finding things in common, talking about myself and all that jazz unnecessary. When I did make friends outside of her, they were either Japanese or spoke to mi first.
I'm just tired.
Right now, I'm trying really hard to not let my diet, at the very least, fall off. I can't even begin to deal with the stress of relapsing and having to start over or cope with the guilt and etc that comes from it.

I miss my one bedroom apartment in Kanasugi.
I miss Japan.
I'm just tired.

xo

Calm Waters Again

I can honestly say it has been a while since I have had a month or period as turbulent as this. I am also honestly glad the storm has come and gone. I felt the love of God through it all. And I felt the importance of friends and my best friend as well.
I don't think I've prayed....more like begged God as much as I did in the last week. My friend saw mi today and said 'that's the calmest I've seen you in a week'. lol.
For those who have been following and wondering what the heck has been going on, I'd try to give a brief summary.
Being the over zealous introvert that I am, I over exerted my energy supply and introverty self and over socialized. Without a way of recharging, I was left mentally weak and vulnerable to my thoughts - a very bad place to be in. I began over thinking and analyzing relationships, and without the chance to step back like I usually do, and assess things from an objective point, I succeeded in opening up a number of pandora boxes filled with old wounds. Needless to say, it became a speedy spiral down from there.
I knew I was falling, and I knew I was getting out of control. But there was so much going on through my mind that I couldn't find anything to grasp on to and try to solve logically and practically. And the more I spiraled, the more boxes opened and the weaker I got. Till eventually, I shut down and tried to become robotic and doll like, so I didn't have to feel as much. It got mi out of bed and moving, but not much else. At night I cried and prayed, in the day I feigned.
I finally talked to my best friend. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who knew the history behind the content of those boxes, and did not need mi to explain anything because I was not in a frame of mind that could explain. She was able to sort out the box for mi, and then she pointed out a practical aspect of the mess I could solve. This way, my focus was redirected from all the chaos in my mind, and I was able to focus on the problem I could fix or find a solution to in the moment - which has been my functioning strategy all this while. With my focus redirected, I was able to close the boxes, regain control of my thoughts and free myself from the fall.
I choose to believe this was God's way of helping mi identify the issues that I have been avoiding, but then Him also putting them all back in their boxes because He knows what I can handle and when - He never gives us more than we can handle. He saw that I was only strong enough to identify the problems at this time, but trying to work at it all or loosing my sense of practicality was not the thing to do in the moment. And so he brought her to help and used her to save mi from myself in answers to my prayer.
What next??
We agreed that yes it was time for mi to see what was in some of those boxes, but not time for mi to be shattered and remolded. It has been a scary and stressful few weeks. I wrestled with myself and almost lost. I understand that I would eventually have to face my daemons, but I do also understand that when I do, it would not be all at once and I would never be alone. At the very least, He will be with mi, and so would she. Thats more comfort that anything.
I am still being cautious, understanding that I am still in a vulnerable state. But I recognize that life is back in mi and the doll is gone. I am grateful for the cleared fog.
xo