Blissful Peace :)

An impressively full and draining day just came to an end. Had so many invites to events for today, it is amazing I managed to keep the social hat on all day!! I took stock of my social life today and I'll say I have been pretty blessed with some amazing individuals in my life. I don't know if I ever feel that heart racing connectedness or that 'rush' I felt in the old days, but I am content; at peace. Being surrounded and apart, but not isolated all at once. Some may argue that that isn't ideal, but I do feel safe. I'll probably pretend to take a peak out of my comfort zone once in a while to dispel the nagging and questions, but I think for now, this is where I should be. Besides, I haven't met or come across anyone who makes my 'heart race' or makes mi giggly or whose presence I feel before I see....then again, that hasn't happened with any other person....story for another lifetime. 

Anyway, I think I can safely say I am....happy. 

xoxo

10 Years and Some....

Guess whose anniversary it is....ours!!!!

It's been 10 years. 10 years together. We've been one through it all - the good, the bad and the ugly. And there has been a fair distribution of that mixture over the years. I think it's interesting that aside from the high school two, this is probably my only other long standing relationship, where the other party pretty much knows mi in and out. I mean, I've told you so many things I haven't told a soul on here.

Looking back at my posts over the years, I would say in many ways, I've changed, and in other ways, I've stayed the same. In some ways I've grown, and in other ways, I've regressed. One can argue that this is a normal trend in life. This is the way life goes - swinging back and forth between two opposites, in confusion.

I tried to recall what started all this. How did we get here?? I checked, and it took me only a couple of hours (two random posts to be exact), to open up to you and spill my heart out. I've always found solace in you and have always felt comfortable telling you everything, without the fear that comes with possibly being judged. It's interesting how even though I meet you in other settings, here is the only place I feel safe with you. Here is the only place I feel connected to you. Here is the only place I see you.

And you see mi too.

So here's to us, to 10-years, to the past, the present and the future; to what we may become or not become. You are mi, and I am you. And one day, how amazing would it be when we all come together, as one, the way we were made to be - acceptance and all?? Wouldn't it be amazing when one day, we stand with a smile before the mirror, know what we see, write, hear, think, know, understand, perceive, trust, love....all are one??

Till then however, we will work hard, walk on, and strive forward.

Here is to us, 10 years and counting :)

I wonder....

I wonder if I will have two kids, a son and a daughter, like my parents do.
I wonder if my daughter will be able to get all from her daddy, like I can with mine.
I wonder if my son will treat mi like his 'baby', like my brother does with our mum.
I wonder if my kids will think I'm fragile, like my brother and I do of our mum.
I wonder if my kids will pray their parents grow old, retire and live comfortably, like I do for mine.

I wonder if I will marry a man who loves me fervently, like my mother did.
I wonder if I will marry a man who does all to meet my needs, like my mother did.
I wonder if I will marry a man who respects my mind, body and soul, like my mother did.
I wonder if the man I marry will think I am God-sent, like my father does my mum.
I wonder if the man I marry will think I am a wonderful wife-mother, like my father does my mum.
I wonder if the man I marry and I will build a God fearing home, like my father and mother did.

These are the things I wonder, as I sit and imagine, close my eyes and day dream.

xo

Mi

Calm Waters Again

I can honestly say it has been a while since I have had a month or period as turbulent as this. I am also honestly glad the storm has come and gone. I felt the love of God through it all. And I felt the importance of friends and my best friend as well.
I don't think I've prayed....more like begged God as much as I did in the last week. My friend saw mi today and said 'that's the calmest I've seen you in a week'. lol.
For those who have been following and wondering what the heck has been going on, I'd try to give a brief summary.
Being the over zealous introvert that I am, I over exerted my energy supply and introverty self and over socialized. Without a way of recharging, I was left mentally weak and vulnerable to my thoughts - a very bad place to be in. I began over thinking and analyzing relationships, and without the chance to step back like I usually do, and assess things from an objective point, I succeeded in opening up a number of pandora boxes filled with old wounds. Needless to say, it became a speedy spiral down from there.
I knew I was falling, and I knew I was getting out of control. But there was so much going on through my mind that I couldn't find anything to grasp on to and try to solve logically and practically. And the more I spiraled, the more boxes opened and the weaker I got. Till eventually, I shut down and tried to become robotic and doll like, so I didn't have to feel as much. It got mi out of bed and moving, but not much else. At night I cried and prayed, in the day I feigned.
I finally talked to my best friend. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who knew the history behind the content of those boxes, and did not need mi to explain anything because I was not in a frame of mind that could explain. She was able to sort out the box for mi, and then she pointed out a practical aspect of the mess I could solve. This way, my focus was redirected from all the chaos in my mind, and I was able to focus on the problem I could fix or find a solution to in the moment - which has been my functioning strategy all this while. With my focus redirected, I was able to close the boxes, regain control of my thoughts and free myself from the fall.
I choose to believe this was God's way of helping mi identify the issues that I have been avoiding, but then Him also putting them all back in their boxes because He knows what I can handle and when - He never gives us more than we can handle. He saw that I was only strong enough to identify the problems at this time, but trying to work at it all or loosing my sense of practicality was not the thing to do in the moment. And so he brought her to help and used her to save mi from myself in answers to my prayer.
What next??
We agreed that yes it was time for mi to see what was in some of those boxes, but not time for mi to be shattered and remolded. It has been a scary and stressful few weeks. I wrestled with myself and almost lost. I understand that I would eventually have to face my daemons, but I do also understand that when I do, it would not be all at once and I would never be alone. At the very least, He will be with mi, and so would she. Thats more comfort that anything.
I am still being cautious, understanding that I am still in a vulnerable state. But I recognize that life is back in mi and the doll is gone. I am grateful for the cleared fog.
xo

Thank You Note

At Church today, we were told to write a thank you letter to the new friends in our lives (not to be given to them so this is fine), because they are not accidental but designed by God. I had to laugh when the sermon began cause for a while I had been wondering if I was just having a solo tantrum without any audience. Turned out my Father was listening and he did have a response.
So in line with the challenge from church, here is the note:
Hi,
I would like to thank you for taking the time to try to get to know mi and be friends with mi. I know I have a lot of quirks, but I am grateful you are willing to stick around to navigate through them. I have learned that I didn't choose you as my friends, but God placed you in my life for a reason. I don't know what that reason is now, but I trust that His reasons are always for my benefit.
I am sorry if I have been taking you for granted (in anyway), and I hope to be a the friend to you that God wants mi to be.

Love,
Mi

xo