Lonely Sojourner

I don't know what it is I need to cry about, but its clearly something since I can't seem to get my mood in order and my eyes to stop the random tearing. 

I want a hug, from someone, semi-in-particular, or something to that effect. But for that to happen, I would have to, a, come up with a reasonable explanation for why I feel the way I feel, and b, take a detour flight to go see said semi-in-particular person. 

I think it is that I would need those I love and can't 'un-love' to stop pointing out to mi, the very perfectly formed flaws I am well aware of. Contrary to popular believes, it doesn't really help when you say it over and over again. No, I don't get motivated and the problem doesn't get fixed. I get some what depressed, with a progressive downward spiral as the reminders keep coming. I already know what the flaws are, I'm not ignorant of them, sadly. I am just not in a position to do anything about them at the moment. That, I believe, is my only curse, flaw....I don't know. 

I'm moving again. Its semi by choice, as always, but I'm still a little sad cause I thought this was it. I mean sure, there is a 1/9 chance I'm coming back here, but like all things altered, it won't ever be the same. I'm not sure if part of whats bugging mi is the fact that there will be change again, the fact that I didn't find what I seem to be searching for, the fact that I'd have to start over or all of the above that bugs. 

Its funny, all my friends broke up with significant others. I feel almost guilty for the initial thoughts and reactions I had when this occurred. Selfish aint I?? On the one hand, I cherish their happiness. On the other, I covert it. This might be why I am punished. I'm pretty sure there is a law against covetousness. But I'm moving again. A chance to start over, a chance to find my answers, and a chance to meet some more new people who I'd soon enough leave for a different place. But I should find solace in that I am spreading the love, that is so very abundant in mi, around. Without a replenishing source and the constant sad-smiling-let-downs, hopefully, the source never runs dry. 

The End. 

Daily Words

You can't hate a guy for not liking you.
You can't hate a guy for not accepting you.
You can't hate a guy for wanting to stay single.
You can't hate a guy for wanting your friend over you.
It's hard, it's painful but it's the truth.
You just have to accept it.
Does it bother you?? Of course. It would bother anyone. But you just have to accept it.
Does it hurt every time?? Of course. It would always hurt. But you just have to deal with it.
Can I cut it out cause its slowly killing mi?? Not a chance. Swimming or drowning through it is your only option.
Can you at least cry it out?? I guess not. Cause there's no one to cry out to.
Why?? You know the idiot that cut her safety net loose before she got to land?? Yea, that's mi.
Maybe it would be better in the morning.

Junkie for Pain

It's the waiting that is killing mi
It's the waiting that I hate.
It's the waiting that makes mi want to throw myself off a bridge and end it all.
It's the waiting that depresses mi
It's the waiting that hurts.
It's the waiting that makes the reality all too real and knife worthy.
It's the waiting that gnaws at mi
It's the waiting I dispise.
It's the waiting that gets restarted as soon as that re-blinking light begins.
It's the waiting that's anxious for mi
It's the waiting that kills.
It's the waiting that makes my heart race without a reason.

Torture

Tormenting mi seems to be the order of the day, week, month and freaking year. The funny part is I can't complain because it would be quite silly sounding....maybe I should go see a therapist but then what would I say?? 'Hi, meet the unlovable. Now fix mi?' Ok sure, I shouldn't say that but it is really hard....

It's not even sad as much as it is so bloody annoying....you know when someone is enjoying every minute of the torture he or she is putting you through. Where you can see the amusement your reaction brings, and as much as you hate to fuel that look, your emotions and your heart refuse to cooperate with you. 

But really though, why do I keep jumping back into the same pattern and the same routine?? I sink into depression, drag myself out, spend most of my life fighting it, loose and back again....
And through all of it, my heart hurts.
....
....

I want out. 

Just Enough

I love you enough it hurts my heart,

So much it maims mi flat

I love you enough it makes mi a tool,

So much the world sees mi a fool

,I love you enough its hard to breathe

.So much there is not enough air on earth

,I love you enough its hard to breathe

.So much I need air

,I love you enough it makes mi a tool

.So much I need a life

,I love you enough it hurts my heart

.So much the ache is my beat

.I love you enough....just enough for it to hurt

Prayer of a Broken Bird

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Cause I am broken. 

In pieces I am,

As I've been touched but not loved.

In pieces I am,

As I've been held but not kept.

In pieces I am, 

As I've been pulled close but never shown forever. 

Now I am broken.

I have no more pieces to shatter.

I have no more parts to break. 

I have no more lives to live.

I have no more hopes to hold on to. 

There would be no survival for more breaks. 

There would be no strand to keep me together.

So broken, I make this plea: 

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Give me a chance to live again.