Torture

Tormenting mi seems to be the order of the day, week, month and freaking year. The funny part is I can't complain because it would be quite silly sounding....maybe I should go see a therapist but then what would I say?? 'Hi, meet the unlovable. Now fix mi?' Ok sure, I shouldn't say that but it is really hard....

It's not even sad as much as it is so bloody annoying....you know when someone is enjoying every minute of the torture he or she is putting you through. Where you can see the amusement your reaction brings, and as much as you hate to fuel that look, your emotions and your heart refuse to cooperate with you. 

But really though, why do I keep jumping back into the same pattern and the same routine?? I sink into depression, drag myself out, spend most of my life fighting it, loose and back again....
And through all of it, my heart hurts.
....
....

I want out. 

I Often Miss Him

Some days I miss him.
I miss his smile, 
I miss his laughter.
I miss the way his eyes light up when he finds something funny.
Its funny though; I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his voice,
I miss his words.
I miss how he gets amused when he irritates mi.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his eyes,
I miss his face.
I miss the way his eyes twinkle for no reason at times.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss the laughter,
I miss the arguments.
I miss the bikker and random comments that go for days on end.
Its funny though; I never had him, though some days, I wish I had. 

Can I Be For A Min

Can I be sad for a minute and cry??

Nope; I told you so.

Can I feel bad for myself for just a little bit??

Nope; it would help no one.

Can I talk for a minute and unburden??

Nope; it becomes impossible to press-down.

Can I crawl under my blanket, with headphones and block it all away??

Nope; this is your reality.

Is it so much to ask that I get a reciprocal??

Yes, the world can’t be fair.

Is it so difficult to get a shoulder for a bit??

Yes, you currently can’t afford it.

Is it bad that I want to be…. so scared I cant even ask it….

Yes, must do you first.

Is it such a horrible thing when I let myself out??
Yes, you currently aren’t worth it.

Won’t it be nice to not have to say I knew it all the time??

Just as nice as it would be to predict the future.

Won’t it be nice to not have to feel this déjà vu only with an actual past always??

Just as nice as it would be to change the past.

Won’t it be nice to not have to fight the nausea constantly, unsure if its at the thought of self or others??

Just as nice as it would be to look in the mirror unforced.

Won’t it be nice to be a little secure, at least even before anything happens??

Just as nice as it would be to be free.

Is it bad to not want this constant racing heart??

Nope, but a lottery wish is easier.

Is it bad to not want this constant longing too??

Nope, but an addict’s freedom is easier to achieve.

Is it bad to not want to be the ‘no’ option all the time??

Nope, but the ugly duckling seems to have an easier luck.

Is it bad to just have the eye on mi for once, doesn't even have to be first??

Nope, but that's too pathetic for my ego to let you be.

Prayer of a Broken Bird

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Cause I am broken. 

In pieces I am,

As I've been touched but not loved.

In pieces I am,

As I've been held but not kept.

In pieces I am, 

As I've been pulled close but never shown forever. 

Now I am broken.

I have no more pieces to shatter.

I have no more parts to break. 

I have no more lives to live.

I have no more hopes to hold on to. 

There would be no survival for more breaks. 

There would be no strand to keep me together.

So broken, I make this plea: 

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Give me a chance to live again. 

...Dear Tasha...

My dear Tasha,

Do you know the sun did not shine today?

No, not in her lovely way!

For the skys have blocked her rays,

And earth is no longer in tune with her ways.

Both inside and outside, all is quit.

Not peaceful, more like a dark, cold night!

Feels like a bad omen,

Much worse than the nightmere.

Oh Tasha, where are you?

Is it true that your world too is blue?

For we here view your world as paradise,

but if it is blue, am afraid there would be none to still our cries!

And all we'd have left is....






....to be continued....

Sitcoms

So I got betrayed. Yeah thats out the door.
Its too long a tale and frankly am tired of relieving it.
The problem I am having now is passing the blame. I have been fine blaming myself this entire time, till a friend scolded mi for that. Now I am stuck here wondering who is to blame for what happened then?? And then along the way I started thinking maybe its not as big of a deal as I played it out to be. Maybe I over reacted. Maybe I was hurt, but the level of hurt was totally my fault. Maybe the other party doesnt need to even apologize as much as it seems....Maybe all this while I made them feel bad and I am the selfish one.....
So many maybes keep coming, and all I want to do is crawl back into bed, back to sleep and wake up to find this has all been one long and very unfunny nightmare..... but I have come to learn the hard way that life doesn't ever go the way I want it to, and I just have to deal. Be a big girl and suck it up.


Friend said there is no comfortable place in life. If thats the case then I want out. I didn't sign up for that. I almost wish we were given a manual to read before we signed anything like 'coming to earth'. Maybe we could have opted for a different planet or something if we didn't like the terms of the contract. Just saying.


agreements.....


Sigh.


But it is fine. I trust too much I was told, so no more trusting. Just totally believing everything and not getting shocked when I find out it was not as I was told. If I didn't trust, then I did expect something to change and would not be too affected if it does. Its like getting a maybe from a performer. That means both yes and no. So if he latter calls and says its a no, you would be fine cause you were not relying totally on him. On the other hand, if he calls and says its a yes, then well thats good. You have a great performer for your show. Either way, the show would go on.


Just like now, the show must go on. And I 'd be right back after I crawl back under my blanket for a few more hours. 


Cheers

Why Can't I Hate You??

Lets describe....short of words.....first time. Lol

Kill Mi quickly cause this slow shit aint cutting it. You won’t shut up, which is the only problem right now you know. Cause everything else I am used to, everything else I can take. But you just won’t Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Its not hard cause it was expected. Being observant is a bitch but hey, gives a girl a warning at least. Lol. So it was clear and accepted long before anything happened. Now we both know that, so why do you insist on going on and on about it?? Why won’t you just let Mi endure my hell in peace?? That’s unfair.

Hell is bad enough as it is, being there with you, now that is just the ultimate punishment.

Do I beg?? But that makes you happy doesn't it?? You get worse and there is nothing I can do about it....life is a lot better when I don't beg. 
Fuck it, who we kidding, I won't beg you even if it would cost my life....I guess we both know it, which is why we also both know I am doomed to this hell you have placed mi. 

Like it or not I may, but there is nothing I can do about it....so God help us both then....
someone needs to.... 

....From The Eyes Of The Beheld....

When you adore something, you watch it.
You don't touch it.
You don't touch it for you fear that then it would be contaminated. No longer pure, no longer the beauty that you behold. You would be contaminating it with the essence of yourself. The essence that makes you thus unworthy, thus impure, thus a simple guardian.
You understand this, you accept this.
But then disaster strikes.
Now that which you adore so is in shambles. You watch as the pieces gather together. Holding on to each other to soothe the ache that they each share. The common ache that you all share, though yours is well masked, well hidden.
You watch the bond and once again, it's painfully clear. Your heart is hurt cause you watch that which you adore stand before you, its pieces holding on together to comfort itself. To become stronger.
Suddenly, it becomes even more painfully obvious, your position. You are merely an observer to them. A visitor, charming nonetheless, but still a visitor. One with a mere interest in what that which you adore are, but not one that can feel or understand like them. You are automatically tagged, along with the rest of the outsiders, as one with sympathy, but incapable of empathy.
Tragic loss.
Now you have two kinds of pain to deal with. The pain of watching your beloved hurt in a way you could never have wished upon your own daemons. The pain of being all but ostracized as an outsider by the same beloved: Kept so close but yet so far, stuck between being one and being none. An empath to your degree, it hurts more.
You close your eyes, and the eery all too familiar echo of silence engulfs you. Not the silence of peace, but that which echos with lonesomeness. That which is plagued by the every living fact that awake or in sleep, remains eternal.
It's sad. Playing the beholder to the beholder to the beheld. The beheld knows not what it does to the other. The beholder cannot help the one between. For as sad as it is to say, the beholder is but one.
So to soothe yourself, you dive into the fantasies. The loves, the hopes, the dreams once held, all fulfilled. For a time, the ache is pacified, the loneliness is sated. And like a drug, the effect soon wears out, leaving you aching till the next dose.

If you understand any of this, then congratulations. You have become a beholder; seeing what no other has been able to do before - see from the eyes of the one in between....

....In the Silence....

Engulfed.
In the cone of silence,
She alone hears him.
Calling.
He is back....
Or maybe he never left.

Louder.
His colors bold as ever,
She alone can see them.
Bleeding.
He cuts her....
Or maybe the old wound reopened.

Mesmerized.
Trapped in his cold embrace,
Silent tears fall from her.
Mirrors.
He loves her....
Or maybe she hallucinates.

You.
Another walks in,
Silent tears like hers.
She hates him; She loves him.
For he is she, she is he.

Help.
She wants to scream,
No sound is heard.
In the still silence,
He alone hears her.
You alone understands her.
Neither of help to her.

She hears it,
She feels it,
She understands it.
That thing that fills the empty core,
Yet still leaves it empty.

....Only a little bit....

I wish to see him everyday.
I wish to speak to him everyday.
I wish to see him smile everyday.
Maybe if I leave him a little he would notice.
Maybe I want him to miss Mi a little.

I wish he would dream of Mi everyday.
I wish he would think of Mi everyday.
I wish he would want MI everyday.
Maybe I want him just as miserable without Mi.
Maybe I want him to miss Mi a little.

I wish he would talk of Mi everyday.
I wish he would pine for Mi everyday.
I wish he would wish for Mi everyday.
Maybe I want him to come to adore Mi.
Maybe I want him to miss Mi a little.

I wish he spoke not of her everyday.
I wish he prayed not for her everyday.
I wish he longed not for her everyday.
Maybe I want him to come to choose Mi.
Maybe I want him to myself only a little.

Resevoir Chronicles: "Thats who I am"

I close my eyes and I see your tears,
I close my eyes and I see your smile,
I close my eyes and I see you saying goodbye,
I close my eyes, and all I see is you.

I am aware of how you feel,
I am aware of how you think,
I am aware of how you are,
I am aware I dont comprehend the logic behind it all.

You always say whats on your mind,
You always say how you feel,
You always do as you please,
You always....its always about you.

You say you are listening,
You say you do understand,
You say you know what I am talking about,
You say a lot of things you don't mean.

Deciding when to come, you came.
Deciding when to leave, you left.
Deciding we be intimate, it did not matter.
Deciding all this, you did alone, we have/had no say.

Deciding the story, you make the play.
Deciding the characters, you act the part.
Deciding the ending, you take the bow.
Deciding the audience....wait, where do we come in??

Can I say....

'That's enough' is your standard response,
Who would have guessed it was never words alone?
I have been running in circles,
Am calling it quits now. Taking a rest.

'Thats my best friend' you say a lot.
Who can believe when it's always a lie.
I am tired of begging, talking, this circular journey.
Am finaly giving you your wish, I'll tell you good bye....

I wish I could say....

"That's who I am"