How do you feel??

Such a wierd question. Following a loss, asking those left behind 'how do you feel??' 'How are you doing??' and the likes is such a strange human act. What is the appropriate response?? Fine?? So so?? No feelings?? I don't know?? I'm sad?? I'm angry?? 

How do you think or expect the person to feel in that situation?? Is that a retorical question?? 

It's confusing, upsetting and tiresome. Makes one want to avoid others. 

But like humans, we need something to say in all situations. Such a wierd yet normative act people indulge in. 

Adieu

Grandma passed away today.
She was a hundred years old, yet it came as a shock to mi.
She wasn't sick.
She wasn't suffering.
She just slipped away.
It hurt cause I never got to say goodbye.
It hurt cause I never got to see her one last time.
The littlest lady I ever knew.
She couldn't speak English so we never could communicate.
But she would still talk on and on, like I understand her.
I speak so many languages, but I regret not learning one she could understand.
They say she is in a better place.
Right now, I think its just one of those things people say.
Like congratulations when a child is born.
Or get well soon when someone is sick.
Believing it is a different story.
But I'm sure I'd wake up some days from now.
And remember that she did live a long and fulfilled life.
And even though I didn't get to say goodbye, I did get many memorable times with her.
RIP Odede....

Adieu

xo

Stage 5??

No. 

I'm not ok. 

Weeping

Weeping. 

I saw a video today that made me want to weep for my country. It was an 8 min or so video of Boko Harem members slaughtering 5 soldiers. They held the men down like chickens, and used a semi-blunt machete to decapitate them on camera, while chanting in Arabic. I couldn't watch pass the first man. What demons would have to posses you to reach that level of wickedness??

 I'm not sure if I should pray for mercy, forgiveness, saving or revenge. I had a mind to hate, but the thought that Jesus forgave/forgives all came to me. If we are called to be like Him, then....so what is the right prayer?? 

Father deliver us from evil. Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Father accept the souls of your children and grant them eternal rest. Father protect us and hide us in you. 

This is not the country I know and grew up in. We had our faults, but at least I could say terrorism was not one if them. Now however, all I can do is weep. 

Mad at it All.

I'm tired of shedding tears.
I'm tired of writing tributes.
More so, I am sick and tired of doing both for people so young.
A parent shouldn't have to bury his or her child, neither should a child have to bury his or her parent without the grandchild by the side. God's promise says we would live to see our children's children.

I'm tired of hearing of cancer.
I'm tired of hearing of how lives so precious, so promising, are cut short as a result of it.
Coming without notice. Causing pain, grief and harm; giving a false hope of recovery, then snatching the hope and replacing it with a gut-wrenching agony.

I'm tired of the dread.
I'm tired of hearing a friend/school mate has 'the virus', then round of 50/50 that follows.
I'm tired of hoping, praying, wishing and stressing, while a terrifying shadow of the grim reaper hunts my view.
With no preventive recipe and no full proof treatment, its a fight between the devil and the deep blue sea, both one and the same, with only a faint distant ray of help.

Its not a person so one cannot hate it.
Its not a person so one cannot yell at it.
Its not a person so one cannot call a jury, find guilty and pass judgment upon it.

I guess I'm just tired today. Maybe because I just wrote two tributes to a very promising life cut short. Maybe because its the third time in less than 3 years. Maybe because I'm in the mood to dwell on the fact that life is such an unfair little b at times.

In the morning I'd feel better. In the morning I'd hope and pray again, because there is really nothing else to do.
For now, I am tired. So I'd just sit here and cry myself to sleep.

xo
 

Lonely Sojourner

I don't know what it is I need to cry about, but its clearly something since I can't seem to get my mood in order and my eyes to stop the random tearing. 

I want a hug, from someone, semi-in-particular, or something to that effect. But for that to happen, I would have to, a, come up with a reasonable explanation for why I feel the way I feel, and b, take a detour flight to go see said semi-in-particular person. 

I think it is that I would need those I love and can't 'un-love' to stop pointing out to mi, the very perfectly formed flaws I am well aware of. Contrary to popular believes, it doesn't really help when you say it over and over again. No, I don't get motivated and the problem doesn't get fixed. I get some what depressed, with a progressive downward spiral as the reminders keep coming. I already know what the flaws are, I'm not ignorant of them, sadly. I am just not in a position to do anything about them at the moment. That, I believe, is my only curse, flaw....I don't know. 

I'm moving again. Its semi by choice, as always, but I'm still a little sad cause I thought this was it. I mean sure, there is a 1/9 chance I'm coming back here, but like all things altered, it won't ever be the same. I'm not sure if part of whats bugging mi is the fact that there will be change again, the fact that I didn't find what I seem to be searching for, the fact that I'd have to start over or all of the above that bugs. 

Its funny, all my friends broke up with significant others. I feel almost guilty for the initial thoughts and reactions I had when this occurred. Selfish aint I?? On the one hand, I cherish their happiness. On the other, I covert it. This might be why I am punished. I'm pretty sure there is a law against covetousness. But I'm moving again. A chance to start over, a chance to find my answers, and a chance to meet some more new people who I'd soon enough leave for a different place. But I should find solace in that I am spreading the love, that is so very abundant in mi, around. Without a replenishing source and the constant sad-smiling-let-downs, hopefully, the source never runs dry. 

The End. 

Hate that I

Why do you make it so hard for mi to hate you?

Maybe not hate you but at least get over and let go?

You have your bad sides, which you show more. 

But then just when I think this is it....the good you shows up.

Nope, you don't do it intentionally, I don't think you are even aware.

Which is what makes this even worse. 

I can't hate you for being you.

I can't love you for being you.

Either way you look at it, I'm screwed aren't I?

Daily Words

You can't hate a guy for not liking you.
You can't hate a guy for not accepting you.
You can't hate a guy for wanting to stay single.
You can't hate a guy for wanting your friend over you.
It's hard, it's painful but it's the truth.
You just have to accept it.
Does it bother you?? Of course. It would bother anyone. But you just have to accept it.
Does it hurt every time?? Of course. It would always hurt. But you just have to deal with it.
Can I cut it out cause its slowly killing mi?? Not a chance. Swimming or drowning through it is your only option.
Can you at least cry it out?? I guess not. Cause there's no one to cry out to.
Why?? You know the idiot that cut her safety net loose before she got to land?? Yea, that's mi.
Maybe it would be better in the morning.