The Bridge

The tale of the bridge.

A magnificent creature is the bridge.

Standing tall in the open space. The bridge is all that links both sides together. The bridge brings unity, it brings harmony, it makes them one. 

A powerful creature is the bridge. 

The bridge knows both sides independently.  And understands that together, they make a perfect pair, working together, becoming one. 

A unique creature is the bridge.

The bridge moves, and the harmony is gone. Everything falls out of place, the perfect pair stop working, they no longer are one.

A lonely creature is the bridge. 

Stands solo between both halves. When the bridge moves, alone it goes, the perfect pair go back to living their independent lives, no more one.

Alone again, the bridge is. 

Lonely Sojourner

I don't know what it is I need to cry about, but its clearly something since I can't seem to get my mood in order and my eyes to stop the random tearing. 

I want a hug, from someone, semi-in-particular, or something to that effect. But for that to happen, I would have to, a, come up with a reasonable explanation for why I feel the way I feel, and b, take a detour flight to go see said semi-in-particular person. 

I think it is that I would need those I love and can't 'un-love' to stop pointing out to mi, the very perfectly formed flaws I am well aware of. Contrary to popular believes, it doesn't really help when you say it over and over again. No, I don't get motivated and the problem doesn't get fixed. I get some what depressed, with a progressive downward spiral as the reminders keep coming. I already know what the flaws are, I'm not ignorant of them, sadly. I am just not in a position to do anything about them at the moment. That, I believe, is my only curse, flaw....I don't know. 

I'm moving again. Its semi by choice, as always, but I'm still a little sad cause I thought this was it. I mean sure, there is a 1/9 chance I'm coming back here, but like all things altered, it won't ever be the same. I'm not sure if part of whats bugging mi is the fact that there will be change again, the fact that I didn't find what I seem to be searching for, the fact that I'd have to start over or all of the above that bugs. 

Its funny, all my friends broke up with significant others. I feel almost guilty for the initial thoughts and reactions I had when this occurred. Selfish aint I?? On the one hand, I cherish their happiness. On the other, I covert it. This might be why I am punished. I'm pretty sure there is a law against covetousness. But I'm moving again. A chance to start over, a chance to find my answers, and a chance to meet some more new people who I'd soon enough leave for a different place. But I should find solace in that I am spreading the love, that is so very abundant in mi, around. Without a replenishing source and the constant sad-smiling-let-downs, hopefully, the source never runs dry. 

The End. 

Star Crossed Lovers

You and Mi were born inverted.
We both see it, the future everyone swears to,
We dance around it, laugh about it, flirt about it,
We titter around the boundary, but we never cross the line.
Or maybe its all in my head.

You and Mi met under different stars.
Sometimes I see a movie and think na, I'm being delusional.
Then you do somethings and make mi want to believe my delusions.
Sometimes you act in a way, (un)consciously, I try not to believe.
Then you make t so real I know my delusions have become nightmares.
Or maybe its all in my head.

You and Mi met under complex waters.
We both see it, the alternate reality if this was not this.
We flirt, we laugh, we smile, we talk,
We talk in codes about a life, both knowing it will never be.
Or maybe its all in my head. 

You and Mi
Mi and You
I wish there was a more positive end to any of these....
Or maybe its all in my head.

Hate that I

Why do you make it so hard for mi to hate you?

Maybe not hate you but at least get over and let go?

You have your bad sides, which you show more. 

But then just when I think this is it....the good you shows up.

Nope, you don't do it intentionally, I don't think you are even aware.

Which is what makes this even worse. 

I can't hate you for being you.

I can't love you for being you.

Either way you look at it, I'm screwed aren't I?

On Angel's Wings

Today at church, we talked about apology and saying 'I'm Sorry'. About one's love language and apology language. For some reason, it made mi think of Zikora. Which is weird cause I haven't thought about him in a while. Took mi a minute to remember what he looked like. Amazingly, all I could remember was that sarcastic look/smile he got when he tried, in his Zikora way, to stop himself from telling you what he truly thought.

My last few months with Zikora, I spent them apologizing. It was almost a routine. Run, find him, walk with him and chanting 'please, I'm sorry, tell mi why....' etc. Still don't know what it was I was apologizing for. He never got around to telling mi that. 

But I like to think he got over it and forgave mi, long before the term was over. He probably enjoyed making mi plead with him. He still smiled, sometimes laughed when I brought up possible reasons for the oath of silence. He never spoke to mi again though. He smiled, laughed, but never spoke. 

I still think it was my fault - well obviously, I'm the one he was mad at - something I said probably - seeing as I have a big mouth. But when I think about him, I still smile through the tears. He was a friend, quite dear too. I don't know why now, but maybe someday I'd find out what it was about...who knows, we might even kick back together and laugh about the stupid affairs of seasons past.

RIP angel, still miss you.

RIP Soldier

Death is such an untimely guest. 

One minute alls well, and the next its here. Hard to grasp, difficult to understand. Unwanted yet unavoidable. Unplanned yet unstoppable.

How is it not unfair that one so bright and beautiful, gets life cut short so abruptly with no explanation or planning. 

On the one hand, you do want to meet many people in life, to get touched by the blessings they are and hope to touch them so in the end. 

On the other hand, you don't want to meet many people in life, for there is a greater chance of you getting hurt in the end. 

I digress.

This is an Ode to a classic being, to a bright light and a wonderful human being. I met you for a short time but even from the distance I was privileged to be blessed by your beautiful soul. 

RIP Emeka Mbakwe....another Angel

....To live is to have loved and be loved....

Wednesday.

So the surgery is Wednesday. For something I e been praying, hoping, begging and wanting, it's a little odd to mi that I am not as excited as I thought I would be. Maybe it's all the external drama going on around this time.... Well partly. On the other hand, I would be lying if I said the stigma, real or imagined, has an effect. So many what ifs cross my mind. What if people don't understand why?? What if I don't feel better?? What if this makes it even worse and....what ifs. I guess the biggest thing is being unconscious and out of control for so long. Blackouts, medical or otherwise, has never sat well with mi.
But it's scheduled and I'm leaving it in God's hands.

7 Years

Another year, another month,
Another week, another day,
Another hour, another minute,
Another second....another memory.

We remember you all and smile,
We remember you and our hearts sheds a tear.
We remember you all and laugh,
We remember you all hold back the tears.

The memories we had together,
The good times and laughs we shared.
The fights we had together,
The bad times we feared.

We remember your smile and say a little prayer,
We remember your warmth and say a little prayer,
We remember your laughter and say a little prayer,
We remember your words and say a little prayer.

We remember your tears and say a little prayer,
We remember your fears and say a little prayer,
We remember your worries and say a little prayer,
We remember your prayers and say a little prayer.

We remember your voice,
We remember you.

Daily Words

You can't hate a guy for not liking you.
You can't hate a guy for not accepting you.
You can't hate a guy for wanting to stay single.
You can't hate a guy for wanting your friend over you.
It's hard, it's painful but it's the truth.
You just have to accept it.
Does it bother you?? Of course. It would bother anyone. But you just have to accept it.
Does it hurt every time?? Of course. It would always hurt. But you just have to deal with it.
Can I cut it out cause its slowly killing mi?? Not a chance. Swimming or drowning through it is your only option.
Can you at least cry it out?? I guess not. Cause there's no one to cry out to.
Why?? You know the idiot that cut her safety net loose before she got to land?? Yea, that's mi.
Maybe it would be better in the morning.

Junkie for Pain

It's the waiting that is killing mi
It's the waiting that I hate.
It's the waiting that makes mi want to throw myself off a bridge and end it all.
It's the waiting that depresses mi
It's the waiting that hurts.
It's the waiting that makes the reality all too real and knife worthy.
It's the waiting that gnaws at mi
It's the waiting I dispise.
It's the waiting that gets restarted as soon as that re-blinking light begins.
It's the waiting that's anxious for mi
It's the waiting that kills.
It's the waiting that makes my heart race without a reason.

Torture

Tormenting mi seems to be the order of the day, week, month and freaking year. The funny part is I can't complain because it would be quite silly sounding....maybe I should go see a therapist but then what would I say?? 'Hi, meet the unlovable. Now fix mi?' Ok sure, I shouldn't say that but it is really hard....

It's not even sad as much as it is so bloody annoying....you know when someone is enjoying every minute of the torture he or she is putting you through. Where you can see the amusement your reaction brings, and as much as you hate to fuel that look, your emotions and your heart refuse to cooperate with you. 

But really though, why do I keep jumping back into the same pattern and the same routine?? I sink into depression, drag myself out, spend most of my life fighting it, loose and back again....
And through all of it, my heart hurts.
....
....

I want out. 

Just Enough

I love you enough it hurts my heart,

So much it maims mi flat

I love you enough it makes mi a tool,

So much the world sees mi a fool

,I love you enough its hard to breathe

.So much there is not enough air on earth

,I love you enough its hard to breathe

.So much I need air

,I love you enough it makes mi a tool

.So much I need a life

,I love you enough it hurts my heart

.So much the ache is my beat

.I love you enough....just enough for it to hurt

I Often Miss Him

Some days I miss him.
I miss his smile, 
I miss his laughter.
I miss the way his eyes light up when he finds something funny.
Its funny though; I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his voice,
I miss his words.
I miss how he gets amused when he irritates mi.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his eyes,
I miss his face.
I miss the way his eyes twinkle for no reason at times.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss the laughter,
I miss the arguments.
I miss the bikker and random comments that go for days on end.
Its funny though; I never had him, though some days, I wish I had. 

Can I Be For A Min

Can I be sad for a minute and cry??

Nope; I told you so.

Can I feel bad for myself for just a little bit??

Nope; it would help no one.

Can I talk for a minute and unburden??

Nope; it becomes impossible to press-down.

Can I crawl under my blanket, with headphones and block it all away??

Nope; this is your reality.

Is it so much to ask that I get a reciprocal??

Yes, the world can’t be fair.

Is it so difficult to get a shoulder for a bit??

Yes, you currently can’t afford it.

Is it bad that I want to be…. so scared I cant even ask it….

Yes, must do you first.

Is it such a horrible thing when I let myself out??
Yes, you currently aren’t worth it.

Won’t it be nice to not have to say I knew it all the time??

Just as nice as it would be to predict the future.

Won’t it be nice to not have to feel this déjà vu only with an actual past always??

Just as nice as it would be to change the past.

Won’t it be nice to not have to fight the nausea constantly, unsure if its at the thought of self or others??

Just as nice as it would be to look in the mirror unforced.

Won’t it be nice to be a little secure, at least even before anything happens??

Just as nice as it would be to be free.

Is it bad to not want this constant racing heart??

Nope, but a lottery wish is easier.

Is it bad to not want this constant longing too??

Nope, but an addict’s freedom is easier to achieve.

Is it bad to not want to be the ‘no’ option all the time??

Nope, but the ugly duckling seems to have an easier luck.

Is it bad to just have the eye on mi for once, doesn't even have to be first??

Nope, but that's too pathetic for my ego to let you be.

Tribute to a Beloved Uncle

Dear Uncle Emma,

No one ever gives you a manual or a ‘How to Navigate The Waters' book in this area. It is like being a little child and having that horrible swim coach, who simply throws you into the pool and says ‘swim’, with no prior experience or knowledge. But even as horrid as that sounds, the child is still expected to swim. He is expected to overcome his immediate woes and survive. Despite how terrified of moving forward the child is, or how scary navigating through the waters seems, he still does it because it is the only thing he can do. He still does it because he is expected to survive.

Death, like the coach, has tossed us into these uncharted waters, and has rubbed us of you. Death has rubbed us of your smile and your caring words, of your laughter and your wise advises. Death has rubbed us of your loving reproaches and your encouraging arms. Death has rubbed us of you. And like the little child, we are now wadding through unchartered waters. Though we want to sit still and cry for help, we have to paddle forward. Though we want to yell at whomever is to blame for tossing us in this turmoil, we have to paddle forward. Though we want to be depressed forever, we have to paddle forward.

We try to paddle forward, telling ourselves that by way of comfort, you would have encouraged us to do so instead of sit and cry. We try to paddle forward, telling ourselves that by way of advice, you would have told us to do so instead of yelling and casting blame. We try to paddle forward, telling ourselves that by way of cheering us up, you would have told us to do so instead of wallowing in depression.

So with the believe that you are now at peace, resting in Him and now free of pain, So with the believe that you are now home, smiling down on us; we bid you farewell and a good rest, and we paddle forward as best as we can, and hope we make you proud.

        Rest easy with our Lord, till we meet to part no more.

Adieu Dear Father, Uncle and Brother. 

                                         27th September, 2012.

Blanks

She is blank.

Looking at the picture before her, it is amazing they say it is the story of her life, because everything is unreal to her. It all seems like a movie she is unfamiliar with. Funny irony?? They say this picture is her life. Her future to be precise.

'She was born, she lived and she died'. But that is not true right??
'She was born....and she died'; that seems to be more of what it feels like.

Emotional Drama he says??

How odd.

One would think that when you say something like that, you don't go stop concerning yourself with YOUR unnecessary emotional 'baggage'...'...at least not after the person being spoken to has evidently gone through depression several times...and had to self-help each time...
But then she is the fool for thinking there would be a difference this time when there was nothing remotely close to that the last time....

Prayer of a Broken Bird

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Cause I am broken. 

In pieces I am,

As I've been touched but not loved.

In pieces I am,

As I've been held but not kept.

In pieces I am, 

As I've been pulled close but never shown forever. 

Now I am broken.

I have no more pieces to shatter.

I have no more parts to break. 

I have no more lives to live.

I have no more hopes to hold on to. 

There would be no survival for more breaks. 

There would be no strand to keep me together.

So broken, I make this plea: 

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Give me a chance to live again. 

He was human

He was gay,
He died.
His partner cried,
Society shunned.

Why though??

He was someone's child,
He was someone's hope.
He was someone's love,
He was someone's world.

He came out,
Got harassed.
Suicide.
His partner cried,
Society shunned.

Why though??

He also had a mother,
He also had a friend.
He also brought laughter,
He also brought joy.

He was,
He is,
He will remain,
Forever human.

Fair v Unfair

Funny how I ask to leave, at the appropriate time, and I get turned down. But then when it becomes too hard for everyone, like I thought it would be, when it becomes too congested for everyone, like I knew it would be, they all decide, maybe now is the time to flee. They all decide maybe being together is no longer conducive, and leaving is a good idea. 

Cute right??

Did anyone ever think it might be hard for mi now?? Did anyone ever think making mi stay when I didn't want to, making mi try to make it work when I didn't think it was a good idea, then telling mi to let it go might be just a little bit overly emotional for mi. 

Cruel she said.

Ya, maybe I'm cruel. Since in the end, I'm the one who is called cruel. In the end, I'm the one who needs to make random explanations. In the end, I'm the one who has to apologize to make everyone feel better. In the end, I'm the one who has to let it go and try and make it better. I do get hurt, but in the end, it doesn't really matter cause I'm the cruel one. 

Its my fault though. I'm the one who keeps expecting so much from people, I'm the one who gets hurt when that expectation is not met. I'm the one who trusts infinitely. I'm the one who gets hurt when that trust is broken. I'm the one who accepts all friends, and I'm the one whose friend gets told, in so many words, she is un-welcomed. 

I'm the one that pushes everyone away. I'm the one alone, like I knew from the start. I'm the one thinking 'maybe I could have endured a little bit, maybe I could have pretended I was fine for a little longer'. I'm the one that keeps writing and conducting the research on the fact that 'everyone leaves'.

I'm the one who is always right.

This time, before and probably next time.

Funny thing is, I'm still the one who would be asked what went wrong, held accountable and blamed, I'm still the one who would be called 'selfish' in the end. 
Maybe I really am selfish.
Maybe I really am cruel. 
Maybe I really deserve to be put here over and over.
In the end....

It's all mi in the end. 

lol, I should stick to South-east Asia, at least I understand them a little better. 

Cages

A wounded cat trapped in a four-walled space,
She runs around, fighting the claustrophobia, trying to pretend she is in the wild.
A wounded cat trapped and cornered,
They surround her, taking more of her freedom, draining more of her air.

Her natural instinct is to run,
Run and go nurse her wounds as she reunites with her freedom.
Trapped and cornered, she has no place to go.
Trapped and cornered, she has only one response.

Her natural instinct is to fight,
Lash out and hurt until her corner becomes a space and her space, freedom.
But it hurts her to fight so won't you set her free??
But it deepens her wound to fight so won't you let her be??

They say its selfish of her to want to be free,
She hurts others by wanting to be free.
But it hurts her to stay and not be free,
It hurts her to stay cornered and not run free.

But they won't let her go,
They won't let her be free,
They won't let her breathe,
So she must remain caged, wounded until one side breaks.