Hyposomnia

Most days, I sleep longer, because the day seems to go by quicker. It's not at if I have anything especially exciting to do in the morrow, or as if there is something new to look for in the next day. No; it is simply because the hours are less tedious and boring when reduced. The same routine daily; maybe in varying order, but ultimately, the same. Then I have to ask myself, is this really it in life??
I figured as a people, some of us spend most of our life's trying to figure out what we want to do with our lives. By the time we get the semblance of a possible hook on the answer, something always gets in the way. Though granted there are some lucky ones; a few I dare say, who find that path that leads them out of the never ending monotonous circle, and off to the 'road not taken'. Those are the lucky ones to mi, because they have found a way to break the curse of boredom. Though what lies beyond the road is still a mystery. For all unknown, it could simply be a road to another endless circle, or a round about journey back to be original circle. But given the life expectancy of most humans, I'd say its better to take one's chances with be road, as the possibility of you expiring all the paths and coming back to the original dreadful circle in the course of one life time is pretty slim.

Again

Why do I get myself here all the time, when I knw I'd end up feeling crappy about it latter.
I torture myself most times, and I'm not a masochist though. Not by a long short. But it's almost like someone else plays mi and tortures mi in my stead it hurts somehow all I can do is bleed through it and cry through it and then move on. Accept it and love on.... Or accept it and bottle it all down inside I'd say I'm done, but sadly it's not my place. I have no say in what happens. So I can't say I'm done. I wish I could say.

Tribute to a Beloved Uncle

Dear Uncle Emma,

No one ever gives you a manual or a ‘How to Navigate The Waters' book in this area. It is like being a little child and having that horrible swim coach, who simply throws you into the pool and says ‘swim’, with no prior experience or knowledge. But even as horrid as that sounds, the child is still expected to swim. He is expected to overcome his immediate woes and survive. Despite how terrified of moving forward the child is, or how scary navigating through the waters seems, he still does it because it is the only thing he can do. He still does it because he is expected to survive.

Death, like the coach, has tossed us into these uncharted waters, and has rubbed us of you. Death has rubbed us of your smile and your caring words, of your laughter and your wise advises. Death has rubbed us of your loving reproaches and your encouraging arms. Death has rubbed us of you. And like the little child, we are now wadding through unchartered waters. Though we want to sit still and cry for help, we have to paddle forward. Though we want to yell at whomever is to blame for tossing us in this turmoil, we have to paddle forward. Though we want to be depressed forever, we have to paddle forward.

We try to paddle forward, telling ourselves that by way of comfort, you would have encouraged us to do so instead of sit and cry. We try to paddle forward, telling ourselves that by way of advice, you would have told us to do so instead of yelling and casting blame. We try to paddle forward, telling ourselves that by way of cheering us up, you would have told us to do so instead of wallowing in depression.

So with the believe that you are now at peace, resting in Him and now free of pain, So with the believe that you are now home, smiling down on us; we bid you farewell and a good rest, and we paddle forward as best as we can, and hope we make you proud.

        Rest easy with our Lord, till we meet to part no more.

Adieu Dear Father, Uncle and Brother. 

                                         27th September, 2012.

Blanks

She is blank.

Looking at the picture before her, it is amazing they say it is the story of her life, because everything is unreal to her. It all seems like a movie she is unfamiliar with. Funny irony?? They say this picture is her life. Her future to be precise.

'She was born, she lived and she died'. But that is not true right??
'She was born....and she died'; that seems to be more of what it feels like.

Emotional Drama he says??

How odd.

One would think that when you say something like that, you don't go stop concerning yourself with YOUR unnecessary emotional 'baggage'...'...at least not after the person being spoken to has evidently gone through depression several times...and had to self-help each time...
But then she is the fool for thinking there would be a difference this time when there was nothing remotely close to that the last time....

A Simpleton's Prayer

These days, I feel lost.
As a result, I feel scared.
As a result, I feel doubt.
As a result, I can't move.

These days I don't know what's ahead.
As a result, I don't know what is expected.
As a result, I don't know what to do.
As a result, I can't move. 

These days, I feel a conclusion, without knowing the play. 
As a result, I can't write the next part.
As a result, I can't plan ahead.
As a result, I can't move.

I don't plan the future, He does.
I don't know the next move, He does.
I don't see the end, He does.
So I cry here for help. 

Based on Old English Times....

A girl runs away from home after you tell her, unceremoniously, that she is a bastard and unwanted. Then she is found by one of your groomsmen, who saves her and tajes her on a journey with him since no one seems to want her. Said girl tries to commit suicide when it seems groomsman would marry someone else, and there is no place for her. He saves her once more, realizes they have feelings for each other and get married to her. Then, due to unforeseen circumstances, she has to come back to her home to ask for help to save the groomsman. Then the family, with the passing of the two who hated the girl the most - grandmother and father - welcome her with 'open' arms. The catch is that she must divorce the groomsman, as he is not 'fit' to be with her. She threatens to disappear again if the family should try to interfere. Mother, who refuses to eat with the groomsman as she does not 'eat with servants' goes to tell the man to leave the girl. She says he should leave her for a week and test her feelings for him. She blames the feelings of the girl on the journey she has been on. The man leaves. Of course the girl, as soon as  she finds out, runs off and catches up with him. 

What annoys mi in all this isn't the nerve of the mother to make such a request, but the untrusting man. Doubting Thomas. While it is understandable for him to doubt her feelings based on their financial differences - she was raised as a lady and he was and still is regarded as a 'working man' or a servant - it is still a bit rude to doubt a person's feelings for you, after said person has tried to commit suicide because she thought she would loose you. While suicide isn't something I would recommend, it makes mi wonder just what one has to do to prove his or her love these days. I mean if suicide does not remove the doubts, then what would?? 

Prayer of a Broken Bird

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Cause I am broken. 

In pieces I am,

As I've been touched but not loved.

In pieces I am,

As I've been held but not kept.

In pieces I am, 

As I've been pulled close but never shown forever. 

Now I am broken.

I have no more pieces to shatter.

I have no more parts to break. 

I have no more lives to live.

I have no more hopes to hold on to. 

There would be no survival for more breaks. 

There would be no strand to keep me together.

So broken, I make this plea: 

If you would not love me, 

then do not touch me. 

If you would not keep me,

then do not hold me. 

If I would not be yours forever, 

then do not pull me close. 

Give me a chance to live again. 

The Girl Who Danced With The Snake (2)

Stupid scenario that played out in 1, considering the cause of her current woes - A and B - are the stars of the last show.
She was on the A/B team. She cheered them on, watched them grow and would have had the usual happy ending, had she not lingered on with them, like the fool she is here, and gotten herself into this current mess. Now, she isn't even sure there is any kind of cheering going on....

But she wishes them well, funny enough. Not sick, not sad, not pain. Just well. If going away is the only way they can be well, then pls, she will set them free.

H.A.G.L.
Have A Good Life. 

Cruelty Defined

You say you want to leave cause I'm a cruel person,
So let mi be cruel for you.
You say you want to leave cause I'm too cruel sometimes,
So let mi be cruel for you.

You said it was wrong for mi to walk out of a life whenever I felt like it,
You decided to walk into my life when you felt like it,
You decided to walk out as well when you gelt like it,
I'm yet to call you cruel.

You said it was wrong for mi to run away when it got bad. 
You decided to run cause you couldn't stand it/mi anymore,
You decided to run cause it was easier for you,
I'm yet to call you cruel.

You said I couldn't lie to you, and you understood mi best.
You decided to misunderstand/misinterpret all I say.
You decided to ignore my feelings cause you didn't understand,
I'm yet to call you cruel.

You said you could understand mi even when I don't say anything.
You decided, without telling mi, that statement was a bit of a stretch.
You decided I was bitter and you couldn't stand it. 
I'm yet to call you cruel.

Did you know it is easier to call a person cruel than to hear it being said??
Did you know it is easier to declare that a person as 'bitter' than to hear it being said??
Did you know it is easier to self-righteously leave than to be the one left behind??
Funny, as I'm yet to call you cruel.

A heart once scarred, knows how to be alone,
Understands how to be alone.
So I'd put my scarred heart back in place. 
I'd relearn how to make it heal.

A heart in pain, knows how to mend itself,
Understands its not the best healing.
So I'd put my pained heart back in place.
I'd relearn how to make it heal. 

I wish you a good life, 
Cause as you walk out that door, 
My heart closes with its sound. 
But its fine.
I'd mend again, I'd heal again, I'd be fine again,
Cause life continues. 
And this heart once opened, hurt and closed, never reopens again. 

He was human

He was gay,
He died.
His partner cried,
Society shunned.

Why though??

He was someone's child,
He was someone's hope.
He was someone's love,
He was someone's world.

He came out,
Got harassed.
Suicide.
His partner cried,
Society shunned.

Why though??

He also had a mother,
He also had a friend.
He also brought laughter,
He also brought joy.

He was,
He is,
He will remain,
Forever human.